Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I remember reading my children a book about a 'Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'. I looked it up and found it on Amazon:
That was my day yesterday. Why I can be in a positive state of mind one minute, but be so very tempted the next? Why am I invigorated by starting a meaningful walking program, but filled with despair when I step on the scale? How can I be so motivated and encouraged by what I read from my SparkSupport community and then allow self doubt to overtake my thoughts? Yesterday, I succumbed to my destructive food temptations. Why? Well, I've felt myself sliding, AND I did not see the results that I wanted on the scale. Double whammy. Instead of shaking it off, I choked. And then I ate some more.
So what to do now? Well, I'm awake at 3AM with an upset stomach, massive headache, and filled with those same awful emotions that I've felt before. I'm fairly certain this could be categorized as a food hangover. I have to -- I want to-- change this pattern. So my plan for today is to get back on the main road and keep moving forward. I'm not beginning again, just accepting that my inner compass got turned upside down again. (Hmm...I do have a horrible sense of direction...maybe there's a connection).
I'm a list maker and boy, do I need a list. So for today I will:
1. Drink lots and lots of water. Maybe that will help flush the sugar out off my system and reduce this awful throbbing in my head.
2. Walk for a half hour at lunchtime. I tried to tell myself that my zero pound weight loss last week was muscle mass increase. Please. I walked for 3 days. Muscle mass is still a wish and a prayer away. But I do want to be physically active, and walking at lunchtime is a realistic way for me to do this. So my walking shoes are under my desk and out I'll go.
3. Track everything I eat. I'm a 'guesstimator' and to date, I've figured that if I stay under or on the low end of my calorie range, that will give me a cushion. Ha. Do I think that I was born yesterday? The only cushion that gives me is the one on my rear end. And I don't like that cushion so much anymore...
4. Stay off the scale for two weeks. Not for avoidance, but to allow me to focus on eating the right foods, in the correct proportion, and without obsessing on my long term goal. It's too overwhelming right now and I have to get my mind off of it.
So on I go... Maybe I'll re-read that children's book. As I recall, it had a happy ending. And that's what I want too.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Today, my head is in the right frame of mind and I am eating healthy food, but I'm not feeling any 'thinner', even though some of my clothes are starting to loosen up a bit. My frustration stems from an annoyance because I have let myself gain back weight and I feel terrible and look worse So...shoulders back and snap out of it. But how? I'm going to try a modification of BradMill2922 blog from last week that really resonated with me. It was called Remember. I hope that these feelings will be something that I can recall this time next year -- because that will mean that I have succeeded and reached my goals of a healthy mind and body. Here goes...
How I felt a month ago:
Physically exhausted, no energy at all, couldn't really lift my legs well to walk, massive headaches, lack of sleep, body systems out of whack. Emotionally tortured, irritable, embarrassed, and lackluster. I dreaded the thoughts of going out socially (although I had to go to work every day), and I was wearing the same clothes repeatedly because that's what fit. I postponed doctor appointments because I did not want to get on a scale. It seemed like I was in a trance. I was eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I took no responsibility in my actions with regard to my physical well being.
How I feel today:
Hopeful. Resolved to do well today, and committed to staying the course. I have had many instances where I was not perfect in my food choices but I have been able to treat these 'variances' as a standard deviation, and not a licence to retreat. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I intend to do more of the same. I understand that I am still in the honeymoon phase of my journey, and that tougher days will be upon me, but perhaps I'll cheat a little and remember my past before the year is up... and that will help me get past the next roadblock.
September 2014...here I come!
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Please read PIXIE-LICIOUS blog today. It was honest, heart wrenching but motivating at the same time. When I first started on SparkPeople - only a month ago- I have been overwhelmed by the extraordinary support, encouragement, sound advice and knowledge that oozes out of this wonderful community. And PIXIE-LICIOUS was one of the first blogs that I read - and she's going through a rough patch right now. Since I was 70 lbs down - and back up again- and on my way down again, I guess I had a visceral response to the 'I just can't do this anymore' feeling. Because I gave up - and I don't want to do that again, or see anyone else give up either. So take a minute, especially those of you who are on the long term success side of this community, and spread your thoughts for how she, and I, and the rest of the spark world, can make today a step in the right direction.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
I'm not one to reflect - I'm more of a 'take action' person in most areas of my life. Except the big D, of course. I can develop a plan, organize an event, schedule a meeting, coordinate my families needs-but these abilities have not extended to organizing and managing my diet. Why not? Well, lack of consciousness and fear of failure are certainly high on the list. So I am prioritizing my diet and lifestyle and trying to make positive decisions to keep me going in the right direction. That certainly has been a plus. But the fear of failure? Now that's another thing altogether. And I don't just mean failure to reach my goal weight, although that is huge.
So here's where the reflection thing has to kick in. I read on a spark blog yesterday that a Spark Coach exercise is to visualize yourself in 10 years. That got me to thinking of all the things I would love to have in my life. My children and their families spring to mind first. And I want to be engaged, active, and healthy to be able to enjoy it all. But I also looked back at the past 10 years. I think that because I have not prioritized myself, that I actually have not been able to be the best person that I should be for my family. Sounds counterintuitive, right? I always thought (and still do a bit) that all that 'me time' is selfish and self centered. But it's all about balance, of course.
So I'll continue to try and push back those 'oh forget it, I can't do this' thoughts that seem to creep into my mind many times every day --and focus on a better me in every way. Does that sound self-centered? I hope not.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
So it's time. I'm starting my 4th week of my forever approach to life and I have to incorporate meaningful exercise into my life. I cringe at the word. I just don't see myself running marathons, or going to a gym, or climbing the Grand Canyon...but I do want to be fit and healthy. Is there a way for me to do this? I'm going to start by walking. There is a trail close to my office and I walked for a half hour at lunchtime last week. I listened to spark radio along the way. So this week, I'm going to do that every day that I can, and on the alternate days, I'm going to work with weights to increase upper body strength. I say increase but I really mean develop. I have almost none.
I really don't want to become of those old ladies who looks frail and helpless. I want to be one of those women who looks great for her age. And I want to look and feel like that. But I have to stop thinking about it and start doing it. So I have to make exercise a normal part of my life, but at the same time, more than walking around the grocery store. Well, I'll put one foot in front of the other and just start moving. I can do that.
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