MARYANNGI   67,645
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Feeling lost and eating out of control!

Friday, June 24, 2011

It has been a quite while since I last blogged and I will admit that I am the world's worst blogger. Even as a kid, I could'nt keep a diary for longer that2 weeks at the most.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been eating almost everything that I could get my hands on. Well, not quite that bad - but close. I have been craving chips, sweets and can't seem to stick to just 1 healthy serving of anything. I am pretty sure what to the cause of my stress/comfort eating though.

June 15th would have been my daughter Jennifer's 29th birthday. I miss her terribly. Certain times of the year are more stressful that others. I know that she would be mad as hell at me for not following through in my goal to a healthier me, but I just can't seem to get back in gear. She would also be angry that I seem to be using that day as a reason to fall apart. One thing that Jenn never was was a quitter. She was a fighter until the day she passed away. Jenn lived every moment as if it were the most precious thing in the world.

I need to get my head on straight and do whatever it takes to get back on track, first for myself and second for all the she taught me. I hope that my SparkFriends can help with the support I need right now because I sometimes feel so sad.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1BEACHWALKER 7/7/2011 7:19PM

    My heart breaks for you! I can't even imagine what that would be like to lose a child! So sorry you are having such a sad time and it is understandable. And food is comfort to all of us in times like these! Sounds like you know what you need to do to get back on track and of course we are here for you. Your blog was good and I think you need to do more of it. It will help us to understand and let you vent and help you heal. Take care...you are in my thoughts. emoticon

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SPARKLEIIGHGAL 7/2/2011 9:39AM

    I feel so much for you. I have one daughter and she is my whole world. I would be distraught if anything happened to her.
Try to keep positive. That is what she would have wanted you to do. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZZYYGGY 6/26/2011 5:35PM

    Remember its sometimes 1 step forward and two steps backwards. Give yourself some love, and you can do it.

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RONOSOF 6/25/2011 8:48PM

    I am so sorry. emoticon

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 6/25/2011 9:45AM

    Your Jennifer is proud of you for the progress you are making. It saddens her that you "lose control" on the anniversary of her passing over to Our Lord. But she understands and misses you too - one day you will be hugging her again.

Take the time to grieve - again - as often as you need to. We all deal with grief and stress in different ways.

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DIANESMILES 6/25/2011 2:40AM

    OH MaryAnn, my heart BREAKS into a GAZILLION PIECES for you !!! When Sarah was 7 (my Grand) she was in a very bad car accident, leaving her in a coma for 3 days, how shocked we were, and LOST thinking we'd lose her.

At this point sweetie, of course ur turning to "comfort food" just as I did a few weeks ago when I lost my close friend Cathy. You understood what I was doing then, and I clearly understand what it is your going through right now. In just a bit, you will get it back together MaryAnn. This isn't a lifetime routine of eating the wrong foods, it's just when things get hard. Remember hon, SP is about a LIFESTYLE and that being said, this is a LIFE altering event, one I wish we stop and bring Jenn back to you (in time Jehovah plans on doing exactly that ,,,see Acts 5:28, 29)but til that time, we hurt and need to nurture ourselves because as your feeling, the loss of a child is the WORSE feeling there is !!! When we thought Sarah wasn't going to make it,, my world literally crashed, and I wasn't functioning AT ALL. I couldn't, I WOULDN'T ! Now she's at contant risk when she gets headaches, that the plate in her head needs to be replaced which is so scary, and that just happened this spring, I was FRIGHTED to the ENDS of the EARTH.

TAKE CARE OF YOU And your fam. Do what you NEED to DO hon. We CARE !!! I am so sorry about Jenn.

Love, Diane

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SOPHIEMAE2007 6/24/2011 8:00PM

    Sorry for your loss. I know I have been stressed lately because my mom, age 85, is recovering from a broken leg. She "was" a strong lady who walked every day until she tripped over something and broke leg. She spent nearly the last 3 months in a nursing facility and every day she seemed to go downhill. At one point we thought she had a stroke. Turned out be low sodium. It was that point I was scared of losing my mom. I already lost my dad back in 1997. I'm just not ready for it, but when is anyone every ready for losing a loved one. With all this stress and emotions, I have eaten more and have gained about 10 lbs. Also I found out I may have a circulation issue and need to have some tests done. That gave me a wake-up call so to speak to get back in gear and start eating healthy so I can lose the weight.

Things will be ok, even though I am sure they are hard. You are stronger than you think you are!

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ANDREWS_MOM 6/24/2011 3:35PM

    I'm crying just reading this. I can only imagine the anguish you go through.
Please know you are not alone.
Sending lots of emoticon and prayers your way.
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EJOK170 6/24/2011 2:34PM

    Gosh, I don't know what to say but I want to offer support. You are very courageous to write what you have been thinking about--you could have just left it bottled up inside and not recognize it openly. That's good. So give yourself credit for doing the best you can during this time. You are doing great.

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AMANDA_AGAIN 6/24/2011 1:27PM

    Thinking of you and wishing you the best. You were a great place of support for me in the past; please know that I am here for you now.

Think about what you really want. And do that. Sometimes you may need to find comfort in food, but sometimes you may need a good cry or a long walk. And whatever you choose is okay. Whatever you choose is the exact right and perfect decision.

You are a good person. You are good to other people. Please be good to yourself.

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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 6/24/2011 1:04PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much you are hurting. My only suggestion would be to be kind to yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Julee

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1BEARWIFE 6/24/2011 12:39PM

    Hello My Friend,
My son died on July 7, and that is always an uncomfortable time for me. All mothers who have buried their child can relate to this.

You have made progress in diagnosing what the cause of your feeding frenzy is, and that is over half the battle.

Have you given yourself permission to just sit and go through photos of your daughter, and reflect on all the laughter you shared with her, and all the tears you also shared?

It's okay to sit and have a good cry, and it is okay to miss her like the Dickens. My Christon has been gone from this world for over 40 years, but the pain is still there, as is themissing of him.

Through the years I have learned to make peace with the pain, and have accepted the grieving is never over. I don't wallow in it, but around the date of his death, sorrow and loss creep into my heart, and I wait it out by being very gentle with myself.

Just that acceptance alone is a way of taking care of myself.

Please know you are not alone. There are many of us Moms here for you who are all in the same boat. We understand you, and appreciate you.
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SUSIEGKORN 6/24/2011 9:30AM

    "We all have a past, the story of which is already written. However, our future is full of blank pages waiting to record our life’s journey. We need to accept what was and look forward to new and exciting chapters being written with God as our co-author.” quote from The Whisper of God

Sorry for your loss, but know you'll pull on the strength that angel Jenn is sending your way! I had a rough month of May due to an anniversary of a death ~ strange how the mind works. Once that date passed, I felt a load lifted off my mind. I had a few good weeks and now I'm making poor food choices again. Oh the ups and downs of life.

Here's wishing you better days ahead!

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SUECHRIS50 6/24/2011 9:17AM

    Honey all I can say is try to remember her great life and the love you shared.when you feel like eating for comfort,think of her!post her picture everywhere!!Thats what I did when I lost my mom!My heart is aching just thinking about losing one of my girls.But,you made it through,and you are still here!!Carry her on your journey,do it for both of you!! emoticon

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NORTHWOODSMOM8 6/24/2011 8:58AM

    I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I have no words to express my sadness for you, but I wanted to give you a hug. {{{{hugs}}}}

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GRANDMA1951 6/24/2011 8:55AM

    Loosing a child is the worse thing that can happen to a parent. But then you have to think, was I there for her (or him)? Did I make her life better? Did she know I loved her? You can't change what was and only God knows why He'd take a child instead of us. Whenever you're depressed, go do something for someone. Visit someone in a nursing home, help someone who is homeless, help a child learn to read. Do something in your daughter's memory. Will there still be days that you're depressed? Yep but every time you want to crawl back into bed, make yourself do something. Will it help you loose weight? Maybe or maybe not. But, if you're out helping someone, you won't be home eating and, for those few minutes or hours, the world is a better place.

You can do this. You can get your life back on track. Not every day but most days, and that's what counts. I'll pray that you find the strength to get thru the bad days and to remember all the good times.

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MARTHAWILL 6/24/2011 8:48AM

    I too understand your sadness. Time to do what you know your daughter would have wanted. Take care of yourself. You can turn this around. Each day is a new day to start over. Today is a new day. Hope it helps that so many of your SparkFriends care about you. You can do this!

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IILAAD65 6/24/2011 8:41AM

    I am sooo sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a child. My daughters best friend was killed last month at the age of 16 - it's weighing heavily on my mind.

When I get like that (overeating) I go back to the drawing board.. and plan my meals out. I try to get myself to look up new recipes and do some different exercises.. small trick to get myself back on track.

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RAINBOWFALLS 6/24/2011 8:36AM

    I understand the sadness. I use the whole month of May as my "I an do waht I want" time. My son died on May 1st, then you have mmother's day a week later and then his birthday at the end of the month.

I wish I had some great advise, but I'm in the same boat as you. I need to get control of my emothional eating too. Best of luck to you - I'm trying to make small changes and not be overwhelmed by the "whole" picture.

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KALISWALKER 6/24/2011 8:33AM

    I am so sorry you are hurting. These anniversary dates are making you fall apart. Have you consider joining a support group to learn how to deal with loss. I was in a group when I went through divorce and it helped me. When my eating gets out of control I find drinking tomato or V8 juice each time I am going for food gets me back on track. Please do your best to take care of yourself.

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EDITOR 6/24/2011 8:29AM

    I can't imagine the loss of a child. I did have two miscarriages and it sent me to a depression loop. I still think of that and pray for them. I can't say a parent ever recovers, but I can say with your faith you can face tomorrow bravely knowing that all is well.

You already know that eating your way through life never numbs!

May the peace of the Lord remain on you!



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My Scale is on CRACK!!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This morning I weighed myself and low and behold, it looked like I had broken my plateau - 188.4! But 6 pounds since Saturday morning???? So I took my shower and weighed myself again - about 5 minutes maybe. I couldn't believe what I saw! The scale now read 190.4! I gained 2 pounds while in the shower. Could my wet hair have added 2 pounds?? I don't think so!

So here is my dilemna. Which weigh-in do I use? Hmmm, 188.4 sure looks a whole lot better than 190.4 don't you think? Check out my ticker and see which I used.

Well, I am out to my flower beds and plant daylilies and then work on another. I really love Spring!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EJOK170 5/24/2011 7:49AM

    OMG! So funny. So true. I guess that's why I weigh myself at gym:-) and only go for once....


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KOPSBABY 5/20/2011 1:26PM

    My scale does that to me all the time. I will weigh first thing in the morning after BR, then after my first cup of coffee and relieving myself again and almost always I will weigh more the second time. And not by a little, most times a pound. Yikes. Best to go with the first one.

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/20/2011 9:52AM

    I love gardening, but our weather is not cooperating!

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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 5/19/2011 1:01PM

    Have fun in the garden! Congratulations on your weight loss!

Your blog has reminded me that:

1. I need to start looking for a new scale... (mine is doing the same thing as yours... It will say one thing and I step off...If I step back on it will say a different weight!) and
2.I need to get busy in my garden!
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Julee

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Comment edited on: 5/19/2011 1:04:01 PM

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1BEARWIFE 5/19/2011 12:51PM

    I say choose the one that will give you the longest pleasure for the month.

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GRANDMACOO 5/18/2011 11:20PM

    I agree, best time to weigh is first thing in the a.m. after using the BR, naked. Weighing with wet hair is not a true weight. I haven't looked yet, but hope you opted for the 188.4. Either way, emoticon

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MOMMYKAY038 5/18/2011 10:44PM

    My scale freaks out like that every once in a while! Check the bottom of it and make sure the little feet are clean. (I found my daughter had stuck stickers to the bottom of mine once and it really messed up the readings - crazy!)

Average them, maybe? The problem is if you use the smaller number then next week it may not look like you lost anything.

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LYNNOTT 5/18/2011 8:38PM

    I weigh myself as soon as I get up in the morning and after relieving myself, naked. I would never weigh with wet hair - mine is so thick & heavy! LOL! Congrats on the weight loss!

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VEGGIEGIRLCOURT 5/18/2011 8:03PM

    Either way awesome job!!! I wouldn't trust the after shower weight if you usually weigh in before shower. Just weigh yourself tomorrow morning and see what happens :)

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JOEYKTTN 5/18/2011 7:14PM

    eeenie-meeenie-miney-mo...... emoticon

I won't weigh myself after a shower because of wet hair LOL

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DIANESMILES 5/18/2011 5:32PM

    I bought a health o meter after reading MANY reviews about it online first from Walmart. Paid about 35 for it which isn't to bad. Its a digital and I am SO GLAD I do NOT have a LARGE family cos it's glass, and hard to keep clean. BUT its cool with it's blue digital read out. Its almost always accurate no matter when I weigh on it, of course it will go up or down if I've eaten, drank, clothes on or off. I LOVE it.

Its going to be HARDER to figure out my TRUE weight with an air cast on my foot and ALL the bandages on it as of Mon. I'll weigh b4 I go in and when I come home, but they MAKE YOU eat and drink. Hmmmm

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 5/18/2011 4:04PM

    I would have logged both in my book - and I'd be looking for a new scale emoticon emoticon

I'd rather face the higher weight today than tomorrow - that's just me - hopefully you will be 188.0 tomorrow!!
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RJBINKLEY 5/18/2011 3:49PM

    Ha! You used the one I would have used! emoticon

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KJQPLUS3 5/18/2011 3:32PM

  I would have picked the same weight. Good choice!!
My scale did the same thing except it was only a pound. I got on it and it read one weight and I walked out all mad because it still hasn't moved and I went back again and a pound down!! So I turned my frown upside down!

Keep up the good work

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KINSBAILE 5/18/2011 3:21PM

    Good question. I would use the one you're most comfortable with. I gained last night but this AM right back on 188 lbs! It's one of those things, time of day, did you eat, did you not, did you go to the bathroom before weighing - so many factors. Sometimes it looks like I've lost right after working out. The scale is an odd odd creature. It kind of reminds me of Loki.

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Loose as a goose and gardening

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Last night I went to my water aerobics class. When I finished, I felt like every muscle and joint in my body was loose and very limber. It felt terrific. I had forgotten how good I felt after a good water aerobics class. And I emoticon like a baby after.

Tuesday and today (Thrusday) I have been working in my garden. Creating new flowerbeds is hard work. I have 1 done and 1 more to go. Then I have to work on clieaning out another bed. Sundrops and daylilies anyone?? I will have plenty to spare.

Tomorrow morning I head back to the pool for a water aerobics class and possibly a yoga class. It feels so good to workout again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KINSBAILE 5/16/2011 9:32AM

    Water aerobics is awesome! :)

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LUNADRAGON 5/13/2011 2:46PM

    Sounds like fun! I love daylilies and snowdrops, but CT is still too far.lol
I love your background picture.

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1BEARWIFE 5/13/2011 2:30PM

    Wish we lived closer; I would love some of your daylilies!!

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ACROSONIC 5/13/2011 1:08PM

    emoticon

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KNOBLE0309 5/13/2011 12:17PM

    I wish I knew of a place that was inexpensive for water aerobics

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 5/13/2011 7:46AM

    Awesome!! I wish we had a pool nearby!

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DIANESMILES 5/12/2011 11:24PM

    Felt like a baby? ALL WET? LOL! I could NOT resist !!!

All kidding aside,,,,,,I LOVE ALL the work you have been doing. Your truely putting forth the effort !!!! Its SHOWING SO WELL !!! I LOVE regular aerobics and if the water is warm enough,,, i am SURE I'd LOVE water aerobics. The water here is to COLD for me.

I for one am EXTREMELY PROUD of the ALL the WORK your putting into this, but not for the TEAM, but ALSO for YOU !!!!!

GOOOO SPIRITED UNDER DOGS ! THE ONLY team to come in FIRST IN BOTH catagories !!!!!

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GRANDMACOO 5/12/2011 10:57PM

    Have never done water aerobics, but hear it can be tough. Would love to try it sometime.

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Spring 5% Challenge here I come!!

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Today was the first day of the Spring 5% Challenge. I have updated th background on my SparkPage, revised my goals and logged my weigh-in.

Now to refine these goals.

1. I have scheduled my day so that cardio, meal planning and me time are all included.

2. I have created a menu for the week and tried to make it as healthy as possible.

3. I have rejoined the gym and my water aerobics class.

4. Strenghth training is done 3 times a week with 2 workout buddies.

5. I will log all food and exercise daily. This is critical for success.

6. I will restart the running program and follow through.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNING-TURTLE 3/26/2014 7:36AM

    emoticon emoticon

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PERSISTANT123 5/9/2011 8:33PM

    WooHoo! Here we go! We are going to have lots of fun!
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ANNESYLVIA 5/9/2011 6:35AM

    emoticonIt is a great idea to revise any plan time to time. It helps you focus and meet any new needs that may have arise. And including your nutrition and exercises is smart too. It keeps them on your priority list instead of an afterthought.

Good Luck!

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REMODELINGPAT 5/8/2011 5:26PM

    emoticonplan! emoticon emoticon emoticon
Blessings!

Pat

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1BEARWIFE 5/8/2011 4:00PM

    Terrific planning. BTW..........I would just love to come sit by that beautiful, restful pool you have on your page!

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KINSBAILE 5/8/2011 11:55AM

    That's awesome! Great plan!

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 5/8/2011 8:11AM

    WTG! Great blog!!

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MNABOY 5/8/2011 12:01AM

    You are on top of all points, a true lead=by-example leader. Thanks

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Down another pant size!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I noticed that my jeans have been getting lose lately. The other day I went to take them off and forgot to unzip and unbutton them (must have thought I still had sweats on). I couldn't believe it when they slipped right off. emoticon This is me emoticon in my old jeans!

So today DH and I went to WalMart and I tried on a pair of jeans. I couldn't believe what size I could comfortably fit into. Size 16W!! And they are a perfect fit. I really can't remember the last time I fit into anything lower than an 18. It has been at least 14 years. What an amazing feeling. So I bought 2 pair!! What a great feeling. When I got them home, I immediately put one of the new pair on. I felt, dare I say it, slim.

Today 16W's, tomorrow (or in the next couple of weeks) 16 regulars!! Slender me here I come.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1BEACHWALKER 5/4/2011 6:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon Keep going!

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CALIKIKI 3/14/2011 11:31PM

    Woo hoo! Yay you!

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KINSBAILE 3/14/2011 10:48PM

    Oh you ROCK! YOU ROCK! YOU ROCK! YOU ROCK!

Keep up the GREAT freakin work! :)

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PERSISTANT123 3/12/2011 12:36AM

    emoticon emoticonI am so jealous of you ... well maybe not jealous, but wishing I was where you are. I am struggling not to gain any more inches so I can wear the 18's that I got at the Goodwill. You are doing an AWESOME job! emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/12/2011 12:37:09 AM

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ANNESYLVIA 3/11/2011 8:03AM

    emoticonon your weight loss.

Anne

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ACROSONIC 3/10/2011 4:21PM

    Isn't that great! I just got into 16w's a few weeks ago, still loving it.

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1BEARWIFE 3/10/2011 1:59PM

    Oh wow! What a victory!! I especially love the part that you just pulled down your jeans without unbuttoning or unzipping them! Way to go, Girlfriend!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 3/10/2011 8:44AM

    emoticon great job

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GRANDMA1951 3/10/2011 8:28AM

    What a gret feeling. Thanks for sharing since it gives the rest of us incentive. We can all do this. Keep up the good work.

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VEGGIEGIRLCOURT 3/10/2011 6:25AM

    emoticon emoticon

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LOSE4LIFE47 3/10/2011 1:10AM

    Congratulations for the loss! Keep up the good work.

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