..The Silence... oh, the silence!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Today I was able to attend our Mission that was offered through our Parish Church. Usually at these Missions, there is a speaker who covers a host of subjects that might or might not be pertinent to you or your situations or life. These are usually scheduled during a preparation time for a major Christian Holy Day... so Easter is coming and we have our Mission.

This year we are honored to have two speakers. There are usually 3 sessions on consecutive days, Mon, Tues, and Wed, with the same talks given again in the evening for those who could not make the morning talks. Unfortunately, I missed the first session Monday morning, and had a conflict Mon night so I could not make it up. Today was session 2...

I awoke with a nasty headache, I was unmotivated to even hop on the scale for weigh-in, (lost 1.8lb) let alone make the 5 mile drive over to the church. All I wanted to do was go back to bed...but... there was this nagging tug that I should go... Oh I did not want to make myself go... and I kept repeating that over and over as I ate breakfast, got dressed, drove over to the church and, yes, even as I walked from the far end of the parking lot to the church entrance, I could hear myself say outloud ..."I DON'T want to be here!!!

I entered the church as the morning service ended. I stood in the back so I could ease in for the class which would begin in 15 minutes... Again I could hear that voice say in one ear... go home, it's not worth the hassle of the headache... and yet, something made me find a seat in the back of the church.
Then, I remembered my Lenten Challenge, to BE QUIET AND LISTEN, and I said a little prayer to ease my conscience. You know that voice made me feel guilty..

Now I sat in the silence of the church while other parishioners streamed in to take a seat.

The two Deacons came out, one sat down and the other began his talk... His introduction seemed to be beautiful, as he spoke of the desire to help their speaking ministry grow. He used a little humor to soften his audience...and introduced different types of prayer...and then he began, with gentle earnest with the message of the day..."Be Still...and know that I am God" I almost made an audible gasp! the tears began to come down my face and I knew that God wanted me to be in this place at this time so that I could listen and know His presence.
Both speakers talked to my heart, about chasing the demons of life out with the tool called prayer...and they offered simple words to help each person find their own particular style of prayer. Through much of the talks I found myself crying unashamed tears, that lifted my spirit and my determination. I forgot about my headache and I willingly began to ask God to help me through the rest of my journey, help me find a job, help me do His will, and I thanked Him for taking me where I did not want to be... all because He knew that was where I should be!

How many times in life to we ignore the "tug" that might have changed our lives? How many times have we made the "wrong" choice and regretted it over and over? How many times did the demon work his magic and caused us to destroy any progress we made? How many times???

So now, once again, I am not chattering to God, but listening...and the demon is in his cage and my heart is lightened of the burdens of life, because I know that God is handling everything in His own time; and for the first time...the silence is not deafening, it is glorious and God is in charge! I can breath and eat and take time to pray...I know He is listening.

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What makes this so different????

Monday, February 22, 2010

So... for today, as I t00k my 10 minutes to not only talk to God, but um...listen, as well, I was able to once again ask the questions that keep coming into my head in regard to continuing "joy" with this plan. The answers came in a flood and evoked a sigh of acceptance that should have rocked heaven. Today I let my God be sovereign, I reluctantly gave Him the lead and He took it!... I asked Him why SparkPeople is different from other plans...this is what came to me.

Okay...so we start, we stumble, we stop... this is the cycle of most of our diet dramas. I am no different when it comes to yo-yo and up down and on and off with various and assorted food plans... this one seems to be much different from others. I sense that I have more control here at SparkPeople. Perhaps it is that this program gives me permission follow my own plan, make my own food, suffer no surgical alterations to my inner food workings. There is no demand for dues, meetings, or counseling sessions. I can choose on my own to exercise or not, to track that exercise, or not, I can choose to eat, track what I eat, or not... and no one will criticize me for my choices.

I think that without the pressure of 'doing it for someone else' hanging over my head, I can and have learned to make better food choices all on my own...Oh, I use the tools here, by golly, I do and I use them often... I often say that the food tracker saved my life...as it helped to give me a reality check on portion control! If we did not suffer from portion distortion, I don't think we would be here!

So I raise a glass of water to the tools of SparkPeople, to the measuring cups and measuring spoons, to the food scale and the nutrition guidelines I have learned to read and rely on through their wonderful education! And...I raise my water glass to my family and team mates, who encourage me to do it for me, because they love me and now they also love SparkPeople!

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Broken dreams...

Monday, February 22, 2010

A wise person once told me that if God wanted me to be in charge, he would have put the "God Credit Visa" in my name... Today, my Lenten goal was , once again to 'be still"... some how, or so it seems, if we are chattering up a storm, we are not listening to what God is trying to tell us.

Sitting and holding my new grandson today, created a stillness inside me that I think was long ago forgotten. This child, so serene and helpless, yet so "in charge" of most every decision his mother had to make, became a beacon of light.

Now, little Cannon has a very serious countenance. He furrows his little brow, not only when he is awake, but also when he is sleeping. He made me think of how I sometimes feel when "things" are going just fine, but I have an internal struggle (be it with food cravings or deadlines) and I refuse to let go and let God take charge... What am I thinking? God must look at me and say "Don't furrow your brow, child, know that I am handling your problems today!" Why is it so hard to step back, relax and let God show me his path? He provides for that little baby, as He provides for me. I should not question this simple and generous plan He has in effect... Today I worked on listening to God and letting Him take control...
Then I remembered a poem I had read years ago... Could it have been the Holy Spirit enlightening me?

Broken Toys

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried
"How can You be so slow!"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do? You never let them go."
-Author Unknown

Let Go and Let God... I think it works well with "Be still and know..."

Yo, God!!! I think YOU are in charge!

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... Lenten calmness and caged demon!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I love being on track! There is no way to describe the feeling of confidence that one gets when you are following your plan and the demon is under control! Food decisions are much simpler as well as life in general.

Today I gave my pedometer a bath... not on purpose, mind you, but nonetheless when I changed clothes after my walk and subsequent rehearsal, must not have unclipped the holder from my pants. it took some time for it to cool down from the dryer after going undetected through the wash cycle. It appears to be working now, but the memory was cleared for the last 8 days.. .bummer, I love being able to see how far I have walked each day. Now off to bed and hope it works for me in the early am!

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Day two... can it really feel this way?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Today when I woke, I had a strange, yet familiar, calmness about me an optimistic, light hearted point of view! (8 hours of sleep will help with that) My Lenten commitment in place, I first asked my God to shelter me from fears and the food demon and I asked him to bless my family during their own Lenten journeys. Oddly enough, my focus was not on food, but timing my morning so I could make it to the 9:00am Mass for an "extra boost". Driving over to the church, the food demon announced that he thought I should treat myself to a breakfast treat at the local Starbucks(I have a gift certificate that has been in my wallet for months)... yikes... people who saw me in my car must have thought I was talking on my cell phone as I adamantly told the demon that I had other plans for breakfast and my day! Boy did it feel good slamming that door!

After church, I came home and made a lovely breakfast and a pot of coffee. I am planning a turkey burger for lunch, with asparagus and brown rice, so I am not worrying about what to eat... only the "when" is still in question, as the clock just turned 12:00 a few minutes ago.

I cannot shake this feeling of uncanny calm, which the food demon hates, and frankly, it is a relief to be back on the "wagon" so to speak. I am planning a good walk this early evening with my husband, so today I am working on doing the laundry and the "right thing" for myself and my teams.

I am grateful for all the amazing support here at SparkPeople, but especially for my own family team that is, not only an amazing endorsement for this program, but for their inspiration to stay the course and make my goal weight a reality. I love each and every one of you!

Day 2...Lenten Journey... Day one I said..."I hope that this Lenten season will be a time of spiritual growth and physical shrinking...

Be quiet, my child, and listen...I am speaking to you... " Sigh, I love this peaceful feeling!

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