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Looks like I wasn't the only one...

Monday, April 13, 2009

I've been spending the last hour or so sitting here reading other's blogs and it looks like I wasn't the only one to over indulge yesterday. Nor was I the only one to procrastinate on doing my taxes. Not that it really helps in the long run, but it does make me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one.

It's time to move on though. I need to get back into the mindset of 'doing it' and stop using the "it's a lifestyle, not a diet" thing as an excuse. That excuse has packed 4 pounds back onto this old body. There's been several things going on lately that have allowed my motivation to slip. First and foremost, was a lack of a true goal. Yes, I want to get down to my goal weight, but at 2 (or even less) pounds per week, that goal is a LOOOOONG way off. Plus, there's some arbitary date SP assigned as a goal date, but I don't even remember what that date was. It has no real meaning for me. I've just been trying to loose weight and get healthy. Well, what the heck does that mean?

Then there was the rosacea thing. I'm not supposed to get overheated and well, lets face it, exercise makes me hot. At first, my face was in such bad shape that I was willing to do Anything to make it better, including giving up going to the gym. Giving up the gym was much harder than I expected. Luckily, my face is doing a lot better and it's time to get back to the gym. Which, unexpectedly, I'm having a hard time doing.

Over the last few weeks, while I drastically cut back my exercise, I noticed that I replaced food with the exercise. My husband seemed to do the same. We both noticed that when we exercise daily, we don't want junk food. When we don't exercise, all we can think about is junk food. Weird. But true, for us anyway. So, I HAVE to get back to exercising. I've been walking around the neighborhood when the weather cooperates, but it takes me about 10 minutes longer to walk the same distance I normally do on the treadmill. Granted, I occasionally have to wait to cross a street or pause to take off my jacket... but a 10 minute difference to go the same mileage?? i must really be gawking at passing scenery instead of walking at a decent pace. I can also feel the lack of recent strength training. My arms were starting to feel strong, but they are back to feeling like wimpy little twigs again. i definitely need to get back to the gym.

I also have a goal date now. My own goal date. Apparently, yesterday, while ill from eating too much chocolate, my kids talked me into getting tickets to Metallica. What was I thinking??? I've bought less expensive cars before! And I'm not even that big of a fan. i do like a few of their songs, and Fuel has helped me burn a zillion calories and is my #1 favorite song to exercise really, really hard to, but..... The rest of their music is just kind of head banging, migraine inducing music. But, the kids are really excited and it has motivated me to get back on track with the calorie consumption and exercise. If I'm going to spend that much money on those tickets, I'm going to revisit my youth, have fun at the concert and look hot while I do it. So, by October, I've got to be 'hot'. I think having a definite goal, other than "getting healthy" may help me stay on track.

But, before I can focus on the "getting hot" goal, I've got to go do my taxes. And worse, I have to go find someone that can do my taxes. We've had too much weird stuff go on this year and I just have no clue how to do them, so, I'm off to find a tax preparer. Wish me luck!

  
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KEAKMAN 4/13/2009 11:11AM

    Yup, we are all in the same boat together. Let's don't sink with it though, okay? You will get yourself back on track today and find a way to get in the exercise without overheating too much. You may also find that now with your meds you can exercise more without turning QUITE such an alarming shade of red.

I like the Metallica concert as a target date. I don't have one. Just lots of little goals. For me, I get too discouraged seeing all that I have to do until the end, so I just go for a little thing and work from there.

Hope you found yourself a tax guy!

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Just shoot me!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Somebody needs to shoot me and put me out of my misery. I just can't control myself. I have eaten so much garbage (ok, not garbage, chocolate) today that I'm ill. My belly hurts, even my head hurts. And all I can think of is "just one more piece." It started last night when I was stuffing those dang plastic eggs. I just had to make sure the candy wasn't stale. Good excuse, right? And one piece turned into 6 or 7. Then this morning, I felt compelled to eat my Cadbury eggs before someone else ate them for me. Definitely didn't want to share those! I was going to just eat one, but.... the other one was lonely, so I ate it too. Went and brushed my teeth so I couldn't taste the chocolate and want more. But, I could smell my kids' candy. Hmm... just 1 more piece. But then the 1 piece turned into, well, I don't know how many pieces. Enough to give me a headache! So, no more candy. Went and brushed my teeth - again! Then my daughter offers me a piece of dark chocolate (my passion, her least favorite) and it started all over again. I bet I'd exceeded my calories for the entire day before I even finished my first cup of coffee this morning. Sheesh!

Then of course there was the Easter dinner. I really didn't even want it because I was feeling so lousy from all that candy. But - you guessed it - I ate it anyway. Double Sheesh!!

Between candy binges, I did do a Walk Away the Pounds video which probably burned off maybe an eighth of one of the Cadbury eggs. I bet I could run a marathon and still not burn off all the calories I've consumed today. Heck, I could probably run 10 marathons and not burn off all the calories.

I am just so disappointed in myself. I have been back sliding for the past week or two, but thought I'd be able to control myself today at least a little bit. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I don't know what angers me the most - the fact that I'm over weight and have no one but myself to blame, the fact that I ate so much candy I gave myself a headache, or the fact that I don't have the nerve to stick my finger down my throat. And what really, really irks me is that I ate all that candy and didn't even enjoy it. Well, ok, I enjoyed the Cadbury eggs, but not all the other cheap chocolate candy. It tasted more like chemical than good chocolate. So why in the world did I eat it all??? Did I really think the 10th piece would taste better than the first? What is wrong with me??

And you know what's really sick? While I'm typing this and rubbing my sick belly and head, I still want more candy! I keep hearing that little evil voice in my head saying "Maybe the next piece won't taste like chemicals." Sick! Sick! Sick!

I think I'll go take some Tylenol, a handful of Tums and go to bed. Even if it isn't even 7 p.m. yet. Maybe I can sleep through the rest of today and wake up tomorrow ready for a fresh start.


  
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CHUBERASER 4/15/2009 2:08PM

    So you had a bad day....(hearing music from American Idol when people get kicked off)...so you fell off the wagon. Dust off your "breetches" (that's cowboy talk) and climb back up on the wagon. I'm sure you have by now because I am late reading blogs. I just want you to know you inspire me...even while I'm laughing...because you lay everything out on the table...good or bad...and let it go. Then, you're ready to pick up where you left off and continue your weight loss and healthy living lifestyle.

You go, girl!

Deb

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LOVEFLOWERS 4/13/2009 9:18AM

    Thanks a lot for the advice! I eat lots of fruits and veggies and I try to eat filling foods that are healthy (except that pizza episode ;)...) But I notice still being hungry. I truly believe the calorie range I got from SP is too low (and then again maybe I need to retrain my body or something) I even started drinking tons of water to take the edge off hunger -never mind the constant visits to the girl's room- yet I remained hungry.
I have been exercising, but I also noticed getting way too tired in the mornings: I am crying worse than my kids to get up in the morning! (and, NO, is not funny!).
I wonder I am try too much too soon... and I also got tired of writing everything down: it made me obsessed with food and I'm not sure that's healthy either.
Anyways, I am feeling better this morning and going back to exercise. I am starting my vitamins to see if that helps and take a break from my food log...It's a marathon not a sprint...right?
Thanks for you support Marie!

Blessings!

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KEAKMAN 4/12/2009 9:42PM

    Before you head to bed, dump all of your candy into the kids' baskets and tell them if you see, hear or smell any tomorrow it goes down the disposal. Even if you have to break a "no eating in the bedrooms" rule, it will be worth your self-control.

Okay, enough unsolicited advice. I feel your pain. Give yourself a break - we all screw up! Tomorrow is a new day.

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SUSANCHEN 4/12/2009 8:11PM

    Assuming you slept it off.
Good morning! Today is a brand new day. Send all the candy to school with the kids.
Do something for you today. JUST for you. Go get a pedicure. Give yourself one. Get your hair done. Relax in the tub. Forgive yourself and move on. Exercise to a video. If you don't have one check one out from the library. Call an old friend and go for a walk. Spend an hour in the craft store or the book store just looking. You don't have to buy anything. Plan what you want to eat this week. Stay busy and forgive yourself.
If you catch yourself with your hand in the candy jar again make it something good and really enjoy it. Those Cadbury eggs are wonderful. Sometimes it helps me to say "I really want one." and I'm going to work it off first. THEN I can have it and I am going to savor it.
Forget yesterday. Think of tomorrow, next week, next month, this time next year this will not matter except for learning strategies to avoid it next year or to really enjoy the calorie sins of the day. Earn the right by eating healthy before and after the dreaded day. Maybe to stuff the kids eggs with something you really don't like. Jelly beans?
But for now. Forgive yourself. Treat yourself to something you enjoy. Cheer up. Take a vitamin too.
You will be fine.


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LOVEFLOWERS 4/12/2009 7:23PM

    I hear you girl! For a whole week I completely "rebel" against the whole diet thing. Not because I couldn't follow it, but because I was angry, very, very angry: for a whole month I have been enduring hunger and kept careful record of everything I ate and all the exercise I did (yes, even when I didn't feel like it) to lose about 3 ponds, which isn't all bad until you realize that for one weekend I ate at liberty (and I really didn't pig out, I just ate greasy pizza -2 darn slices!- and waited for three days before weigh in and guess what...I am back at square one! I can't believe it! If I have to put forth all this effort for such little results I might as well learn to like my body as it is, it may be more loving and respectful to myself... and you know what is the kicker? This past week I did pig out and gain nothing...Maybe my body just is resisting badly to change sizes...maybe I am delusional out of sheer hunger, or maybe I am loosing it (my mind, not my weight) but at least I have been loving what I cook, particularly fresh baked bread!
I guess this was more venting that supporting...sorry, but at least you know you are not the only one.

Blessings!
emoticon

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99th Most Embarrassing Moment

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I pray I've now had my most embarrassing moment ever, but I know better than to tempt fate and say it out loud. I've only been to the gym twice in the last week and have already begun to feel the back sliding affects. So there I was last night, fresh out of the shower, standing behind the little curtain with still shaky legs from a hard workout. I was trying to put my underwear on. Don't ever forget - there's a huge difference between trying and doing. As I said, my legs were really tired and my foot got tangled up somewhere between the waist and leg holes of my underwear. Next thing I know, I crash backwards, out of my curtain and land bare a$$ed on the floor. In front of 4 other people!! Could it possibly get any worse??? All I can say is Thank God the bench wasn't 2 inches closer or I probably would have hit my head on it and knocked myself unconscious. That would have been worse, but it's about the only thing I can think of that would be worse. Good Grief!!

On a positive note, I've discovered one more benefit of getting some exercise. I changed my shower curtain liners today. Finally!! I tend to wait until a Haz Mat team should be called in to remove them because my arms get so tired and I get cranky unhooking the old curtain and hooking up the new one. But today, no tired arms! In the past, I'd unhook half the curtain, rest a minute, unhook the other half, wait a while, hook up the first half of the new curtain, pause, and hook up the rest of it. Today, I was able to unhook the whole thing and immediately put up the new one. Then I promptly moved on to the next bathroom and did it all over again. Wow! What a difference a little strength training can make!

Well, I've got to run - hubby just announced our Easter-Eve dinner is ready. Let the calories fly....

I hope you all have a wonderful and low cal Easter. I know mine will be slightly less caloric than planned. I waited until the last minute to buy the kids' Easter candy and all they had left in the Peeps department were red Peeps. RED Peeps??? They look like they're bleeding to death! Hopefully that thought will help me not eat so many of them. I just love Peeps, but I'm not sure I can eat a red one.

Happy Easter!

  
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CHUBERASER 4/15/2009 12:21PM

    You totally crack me up! If it could happen to anyone...it would happen to you. Although, when I was in High School, I totally wiped out in the back of the Band Room. There was water on the floor right at the doorway going outside...and I was running to the door to tell somebody something before they left...and, BOOM! Right on my arse, legs flying up in the air and everything. The whole band stopped playing and turned around and was looking at me. I just crawled on out the door! Totally humilliating. And, what's worse, the bruise was so big on my leg (where I hit the hardest) that I still have teeny, tiny little spider veins around where the bruise was. Kind of a reminder of what a moron I am. But, there was a silver lining....at least I wasn't naked!!! HA! You know I love you! I just couldn't resist!

Deb

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AINTSKEERD 4/11/2009 3:56PM

    I'm glad your fall was just a bruised ego! How embarrassing is that?
I was pretty shocked a few years ago when they came out with the blue peeps 'cause it looked like the poor little things were asphyxiated under the plastic!
Happy Easter emoticon

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KEAKMAN 4/11/2009 3:43PM

    Ooooh, I love Peeps! Now I have to go see if I can find some....

Sorry about your crash, but I have to admit that I laughed. Glad you didn't get hurt. But it is something that I worry about all the time. Especially as a former 9-1-1 operator, I imagine the call "naked woman unconscious in the locker room" My hope was that some kind soul would at least throw a towel over me!

Have a great Easter!

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My lucky list

Thursday, April 09, 2009

A spark buddy's blog challenged folks to come up with a list of 10 things that make them realize they are lucky, so here goes...

In no particular order, of course...

1. I didn't have anything to blog about until I read Keakman's blog and decided to make my own lucky list.

2. My husband works his butt off so I can sit on mine.

3. My recent cancer/organ failure scare turned out to just be rosacea. A really, really bad case of it, but just rosacea.

4. 99 days into this new lifestyle, and I'm still happy I made the decision to get healthy. Granted, I've had a few 'bad' days and made a few bad choices, but for the most part, I'm doing really well and am making lots of progress. I never dreamed I'd keep up the 'getting healthy' attitude for longer than a week. I think it's the real deal this time... :)

5. My husband didn't yell when I bought a new scale just so I could obsess about tenths of pounds rather than whole pounds.

6. My family has given up complaining about my constant comments about calories and fat grams. They aren't even making that much fun of me when I exercise. In fact, they occasionally join me.

7. My daughter has willingly gone for a walk with me the last couple of days. She even said she might be interested in participating in a 5K with me in the fall. .... or should that go on the unlucky list since it means I'll actually have to participate myself??? LOL

8. I've managed to get in some exercise the last few days without getting overheated and upsetting the rosacea.

9. Drove past 3 cops with expired stickers on my car and didn't get stopped. Phew! :) (stickers are all up-to-date now.)

10. The realization that I really am pretty lucky! This list may be rather flippant, but deep down, I know I must have a very exhausted guardian angel looking out for me. I not only have a loving family, great supportive friends, but I've survived my share of disasters. In fact, I'm a walking disaster zone! I've been in countless boat wrecks/sinkings (small boats, and I'd advise not asking. LOL Just don't ever invite me out on your boat if you ever want to sail it again. LOL) a controlled plane crash, a broken back, liver failure, more seriously stupid 'college days' behavior than I will ever publicly admit to, 2 bank robberies, a 7-11 robbery, a few car crashes, a flood, several hurricanes, a tornado, a 4 foot away lightening strike and well, the list could just go on and on. And after all that, I have a few scars, but I'm alive, walking and talking. So, yep, I'm pretty dam lucky! And luckier still for having the SP buddy that got me thinking about this list. Next time I'm feeling sorry for myself, i'll think of this list and realize how lucky i am to just be alive. I have absolutely no right to ever wallow in self pity again. Thanks Kate!


  
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CHUBERASER 4/14/2009 3:59PM

    Man, you are one lucky individual! My list only includes a near drowning and a tornado. You've got it goin' on! Sounds like your luck has changed for the better, though, and you are getting fit and healthy and loving every minute of it! I am so proud for you!

Deb

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KEAKMAN 4/9/2009 10:55AM

    Marie my dear, thank you! We all help each other out in countless ways. And we never know who will help or how. That's the great thing about SP - we are always bumping into just the right person or idea.

I love your list (and your survival list!) I am especially glad to see that your daughter is joining in with your walks. Makes them more fun I bet. And now you have to do that 5K in the fall. Maybe you could find one that helps out a charity you like? Then you could help others and yourself!

Have a great day!

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Not what I meant to talk about...

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

I've been thinking a lot about the far reaching affects of my new healthy lifestyle.
This past week has been chock full of realizations, some of them bigger (i.e. more important) than others.

After saying I was jealous because my dog has lost more weight than me, I got to thinking about his new eating habits. Besides the fact that the doggie food portions have been cut in half and then in half again over the last year, (no wonder he constantly begs for what's on our plates! LOL) our dogs have learned to like raw tomatoes and one of them even happily eats lettuce - plain! without hamburger grease on it! The dieting dog has perfected his "poor pitiful starving me" look while the non-dieting dog has learned to nod her head when asking for a treat. It's the funniest thing. She sits by the treat jar, looks at it, looks at me and nods her head. If I don't give her a treat, she barks to make sure I'm paying attention, looks at the jar, looks at me and nods her head. Over and over until I cave in and give her a treat. The dieting dog has lost enough wait that he's even started to enjoy playing ball and he even tried to jump up on me the other day. Before, there was no way he could get his front feet off the ground. He's obviously enjoying his healthier, slimmer self.

I've cut my gym time back considerably while my face gets itself under control. I miss the gym SO much! I never in a million years dreamed I'd miss working out, but I really, really do. First, I'm bored out of my mind. I have no idea what to do with myself. I was spending about 2 hours a day at the gym plus it's a 40 minute drive, one way, so that's almost 4 hours a day of free time I'm having now. Because I have so much more energy and I've made a real effort not to just sit all day for the past few months, my house is clean, well, as clean as it's going to get with homeschooling teens and a craft-aholic in the house. The laundry is all done and put away. Meals are planned and the grocery shopping is done. What on earth am I supposed to do with those extra 4 hours that doesn't include exercise? Or sitting on my butt? Or shopping? I'm trying really hard not to spend the time just sitting, but I find myself slipping back into that old habit more and more each day. And sitting is really boring now! The t.v. shows I used to watch seem like hopeless drivel now. Well, except for a few shows that I watch religiously and used to plan my gym time around. Gosh - that's pretty bad to plan exercise time around a t.v. program! Sheesh!! I also seem to have lost interest in crafting. It's like my brain knows that once I sit down to knit or what ever, I won't ever get back up again and my brain really doesn't want to return to that lifestyle. So, I've lost the urge to craft. Same with reading. My brain really doesn't want to read because when I read, not only do I sit, but I eat. I eat handful after handful of what ever I can reach. My brain definitely doesn't want to go back to that habit!

So, how do I fill those empty 4 hours? When the weather cooperates, I've been taking walks around the neighborhood, but I'm not really up for a 4 hour walk. I've done a little yard work, but it's still too early to plant much here and there's only so much digging and raking you can do without getting hot. Remember - the whole reason I'm not at the gym is because I'm not supposed to get hot. I can't afford to go to the mall and wander around. What else is there to do that's not sedentary, but won't make me hot?

Oh, and since I haven't been exercising for the last few days, I noticed that my knees were NOT happy about going down the stairs this morning. That was one of the first exercise related changes I'd noticed - I no longer had to go down the steps sideways, holding on to the railing. I could walk down them like a normal person. This morning, I was back to going down sideways with my knees and ankles making those nice little popping noises the whole way down. Just great!

Another thing I've noticed since cutting back on the exercise - I'm STARVING. Constantly. No matter what I eat, I can't seem to feel satisfied. Five minutes after finishing a meal, I'm hungry again. I'm finding myself drifting back into the habit of getting seconds. And the portions are growing again. And I'm Much more tempted to eat the not so healthy foods. It makes me wonder - am I just hungry because I'm bored? Or did the exercise really do something to my body to turn off the hungry button? This has also been my TOM week, so that's affecting my hunger too, I'm sure, but still... I haven't been hungry like this - well, ever.

So, I think I need to decide - which is my priority - getting my rosacea under control or exercising and eating healthily? I guess I need to call the doctor and see what kind of permanent or long lasting damage I'll be doing to myself if I resume the exercise. I know my face was doing better, I went to the gym and my face got redder and a little more swollen. But, that extra redness and swelling was gone the next day. Aaarrgghhh!!! This is just so frustrating. Just when I was getting my body to the point where I was beginning to be proud of it and was sort of looking forward to summer clothes (shorts and tank tops) my face turns into a freak show.

Well, I'm getting sick of listening to myself whine and complain. I can only imagine how you feel if you are still reading this. And I definitely strayed off topic. I had all kinds of stuff I wanted to say about the far reaching affects of healthy living, but as I started typing, those thoughts drifted away and this turned into a whine-fest. Sorry. It does feel pretty good to scream AAAARRRGGHHHH though.

Well, I've waited the required hour since taking the rosacea pill. Now I can go eat some breakfast. Let's just hope I can control myself in the kitchen....

Hey - in an attempt to end this on a positive note - did you see today's article about caffeine helping your workout? I KNEW coffee was good for me!!!!


  
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KEAKMAN 4/7/2009 9:17PM

    I sympathize with you. I really do.

And I think talking to your doc some more is a GREAT idea! How hot is too hot? Any tips for cooling off? If you tell your doc that you HAVE to go to the gym, what can s/he suggest to help keep the rosacea from flaring up?

It is shocking how quickly our minds and bodies can get out of the healthy mode. I fear this, knowing how fast I can lose all the good I've done. That's why I get up at 4:30 I guess - fear motivates me.

Any chance you could go somewhere outside like a track or trail to workout? Assuming it isn't too cold or windy enough to chap your face. It mught help to keep you cool. And since you are accustomed to the 40 minute drive, what is within 40 minutes of you that would be "exercise"?

Hang in there. Call your doc and insist on some ideas. And get a fan. (not that kind, the other kind!) emoticon

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CHUBERASER 4/7/2009 12:41PM

    I heard somebody say just the other day, "Do you want some cheese with that whine?" I thought it was funny.

Sometimes, you just have to get stuff off your chest! It's aggravating and exasperating not to be able to do what you really want to do...get on with your life the way you did before. Exercising makes you happy and gives you a great sense of accomplishment...and when that's taken away...well, it sucks!

Hopefully, it won't be too much longer before you can be running and rowing and swimming just the way you did before that rosacia reared it's ugly head!

Have a great week!

Deb


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