Sunday, November 27, 2011
I over-did it last night. I knowingly chose reallybad food options and munched my way through the night. I would up with insomnia didn't get to sleep until 5am. I woke up to the kids at 8:15. My digestive tract is a mess. It's like a binge hangover, except instead of puking you have other issues. I haven't had this happen to me in a really long time. It's making me re-assess how I handle weekends. It's making me realize there are some things that need to change. For example, I don't really watch much TV without snacks in front of me. TV on it's own isn't fulfilling enough. Therefore, I eat. Even with healthy options it's a bad habit. Therefore, if that means that for a time I need to give up TV, that may be something I have to do.
My weight watchers weigh in last week wasn't kind, and I'm determined not to see the numbers on the scale go up again this week. Thankfully, I'm starting a new set of fitness classes tomorrow. And then I'll focus, starting right now, on making healthy food choices. I'll remind myself when needs be that I'm eating like this because I want to. I'm doing it for me. I can do this! A day of good choices ahead...and recovering from my food hangover.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Lately I've been struggling with choosing the healthy life. I seem to be constantly obsessed about food and calories. I'll eat really low calorie meals so that I can binge in the evenings on crap like cake mix. I've lost my center. I've lost my desire to make healthy choices in a responsible way. I keep telling myself that part of it is my new living arrangement with roommates, but there's more to it than that. I'm a stress eater, and want to indulge whenever there is something outside my control. It's unhealthy and I know it. I'm not quite sure how to handle these situations, and so I handle them with food.
Because I've been counting calories and doing the Weight Watchers thing, I've also become obsessed with tracking (right up until a binge hits and I chuck it all out this window). Because of this, I'm constantly obsessing about how many points I have left in a day and how much food I can cram in for that number of points. It's pathetic really. I don't eat when I'm hungry, I eat pretty much all the time. Lots of it may be fruit and veg, but lots of it is sugary crap or artificial sugars. It makes me feel sluggish and gross. When I had an office job, I just kept myself on a food schedule. But now that my schedule changes from day to day, I've been having a hard time keeping on track.
Now I make a commitment to myself to take myself seariously. It doesn't matter if the scale reads a steady weight if I'm not eating in a way that's good for me and if I can't maintain a healthy mindset about food. Food is not the be all and end all. I need a chant to that effect. It's 6:48am. It's time to reset, as I've done so many times before. No more crap. I don't want it. I want to be healthy in a truly healthy way. After all, life isn't about the amount of food we consume, but the moments that make up our days and the people we share our lives with. This life starts now. It ends when I die. It's a journey, and I want to take steps forward. Please God help me. I can't do this on my own.
Friday, October 07, 2011
Have you ever moved to a new city? After all the excitement of the move and the general running around and getting settled in is finished, you enter into a sort of limbo-- neither belonging nor visiting. You live there, but you've yet to develop a community, a lifestyle, or a social circle.
For me, I am currently in that limbo. I've lived in Toronto for two and a half months now. The challenge for me is developing relationships without doing so on an income. I'm a student and money is tight. Also, I don't know many people in the city, so where do I go to make some quality friends my own age? (I'm 26). This is a bit of a conundrum for me. And even the people I meet my own age have very different views as far as life values and morals go. So once again, I feel stuck.
It's during this time that food becomes a friend once again, and that the good habits I'd adopted as part of my daily lifestyle have fallen by the wayside. For example, I used to swim three times a week, but the schedule at my local pool is abysmal and doesn't allow me to swim when I would need to. I don't have any friends that I can simply call up and suggest we go for a walk. I don't have the disposable income-- now that I'm a student again-- to buy seasons tickets to the theatre or to go shopping for some much needed items. I just seem to be stuck.
Also, my hobby of cooking and baking now needs to be replaced as it has taken the form of a job and my schooling. Don't get me wrong, I love culinary school, but it does mean that I now have to find a different way to unwind. Running is not my thing, and biking is my current form of transportation. Maybe I'll start taking music lessons of some sort, although once again scheduling seems to become an issue. I don't really do knitting, crocheting, or crafty things. I might take up sketching again. Does anyone have any great ideas to keep my mind going, keep me from bingeing, and keep me happy and relaxed all at the same time? Don't say TV or movies-- that there for me is a trigger.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Maintaining my goal weight is by far one of my biggest current weight related issues. It is far more difficult than losing the weight in the first place. I know how to restrict my diet and I know how to binge. What I can't seem to figure out is how to maintain a standard caloric intake that neither restricts nor results in a binge, or a combination of the two. Whenever I try to give myself a little leaway from the restricted caloric intake for weight loss, I lose it completely and go on a binge. If I'm not binging, then I keep losing because I don't know how to take a little without taking a lot. I'm getting really sick of it. I hate feeling ill because I've lost it in the evening after days or hours of being good. It's so frustrating. I am my own worst enemy! For example, I know that I don't want to lose any more weight, so tonight I allowed myself a small portion of seconds at dinner and a muffin for dessert. But after that it all went downhill! I had an apple, yogurt, peanut butter, a handful of dried dates, some raisins, and probably some other things as well that I just don't remember right now. What is wrong with me?! *Pout* Ah well, fall down twice get up three times. Although I'm pretty sure this is fall down a bazillion times and get up a bazillion and one...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I don't know at what point in my life I learned this, but I eat quickly. Like really quickly. I can be done a standard spaghetti dinner including seconds in less than ten minutes. It's like I'm worried about not getting enough food, that I won't get my share. I've eaten like this for a long time, citing that I don't like cold food, but is there more to it than that? I always seem to be in a food rush, I'll take a long time prepping a meal and then devour it quickly. Why would I wait between bites when I can shovel in another fork full while I'm still swallowing my last? Slightly disturbing, I know.
Because I've reflected on this slightly disturbing fact and also find it slightly disgusting, I've given myself a new challenge. Eat only at the table, set my fork down in between each bite, and don't pick it up again until all my food in my mouth has been swallowed. Then I can pick up my fork and take another bite. It took me close to half an hour to eat my taco salad and a pear for lunch. Multiple times I found myself picking up my fork and scooping up the next bite before I'd swallowed completely. I then set down my fork, ensured I had swallowed completely, and picked it up again.
By the time I was done my meal, it was cold. But the funny thing was, I didn't mind. So apparently that argument is out the window.
I'm also taking the no-binge challenge in one of my Spark Groups and it's definitely a challenge! Just because I hit my weight loss goal, it doesn't mean I'm done my journey towards a healthier lifestyle. Binging has been a struggle for me for years, and now that I'm at a healthy weight, I'm taking the next step to conquor the binge. It's been 10 days since I've eaten myself to the point of feeling sick. That's a victory. Normally I expect two of my weekend nights to end in binges, with at least Saturday being a write-off. It's 10pm on my second Saturday on the challenge and there is no binge in sight. By the point, if I want something else, I think I'll just curl up and go to sleep.
One day at a time right? I'll worry about making it through tomorrow when it gets here.
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