MARIADAWN1   4,347
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Sharing so I can take the power out of my fears!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Well, Daniel's coming home tonight and I'm so relieved! These past few days have been a bit of a challenge...I do not like being by myself!! I went to a meeting yesterday afternoon and while I was reading the promises at the end of the meeting the weirdest thing happened...while I was reading I didn't feel like I was a part of my body! I felt dis-associated from myself and today I've been feeling a touch of anxiety. I think maybe being out in the sun today took it's toll on me. I took a long, cold shower and am feeling much better. I'm realizing as I move forward in both my lifestyle change and my recovery, that I need to reach out to others when I'm feeling strange. The problem is that it's still so incredibly awkward talking to people on the phone. The "phone" actually creates in me an anxiety all it's own! God, I just so badly want to be "normal!" I'm tired of my insecurities, and of the fear of never feeling like I'll fit in anywhere. I've realized that that's probably the reason I drank and used drugs in the first place...they took these feelings away. ( well, alcohol did anyway ) I know that it's going to take me many, many years to overcome a lot of what damage I did to my body, brain and life...but sometime's I get scared that this panic and anxiety that I get will "never" go away! I think maybe I really permanently tweaked my brain to the point that I'm just gonna have to find a way to live like this. It's been almost 2 yrs sober, and from what I learned in rehab, at 2 yrs your brain is as healed as it's gonna get. I have heard testimonies to the contrary in the meetings so I will still hold out some hope that, in time, this will get better for me. Okay, I feel better getting that out! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SONYALATRECE 5/15/2010 7:51PM

    Stay positive and you'll work your way through it one step at a time. Ususally, it takes time for lives to spin out of order. So we must remember to take everything in stride and build patience to have the serenity to accept what we can't change, have the courage to change what we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
I'm rooting for you! emoticon

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Taking those steps!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I'm so proud of myself! I see that I'm really moving forward consistently. I've been logging in a few times a day to track my nutrition/ fitness etc for a month now, I've introduced myself to others who are in my area, ( even attended a weight loss challenge group last night that I heard about from someone on Spark in my area! )..bottom line is that I'm doing what is suggested to me and it's working! I'm down 5 lbs. The correlations between my 12 step program and my lifestyle change that I'm doing on Spark are "MANY!" It's hard to believe that on Monday I was crying my eyes out due to sitting in a lot of guilt re; my past actions during all those years I lived in a haze of alcohol/ drug addiction and yet today I am so thankful and blessed that I have my sobriety of almost 2 yrs and that I even have a body that I'm able and ready to take care of, love and nurture! I want so badly to give back to my body what I took away from it for 23 yrs! I "love" my body! I "love" me! That is my mantra that I repeat over and over, ( among other one's! Lol ) Yes, today it's all about taking those steps that I need to take to consistently be moving forward so that I don't look back and sit in horrible guilt! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGLEMOM1960 5/14/2010 5:05PM

    Good for you!
It's great when you're doing more than one thing at a time to improve yourself and the one naturally helps you with the other. You'll find it gets easier as you go on. I've only been here since March 1, 2010. So I am a newby myself. It is hard, but we can do it. I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.

Thanks for the encouragement! emoticon

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JMPLOVER 4/28/2010 4:22PM

    Way to go Mom! I love you! emoticon

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SUFRY3 4/28/2010 1:47PM

    You should be proud of yourself. Keep it up! emoticon

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Thank you God!!!!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

This will be my very first blog! emoticon I only just recently learned what the heck a "blog" was! Lol Well, I'm growing and moving forward on a consistant basis and that makes for a "much" happier & fulfilled me! emoticon I completed both my 4th and 5th steps last night w/ my sponsor. My 4th took me a few months to complete. My 5th ,( which is reading my 4th to my sponsor) took 3 hrs, and then when I got home I just sat in prayer and thankfulness that I've got a 12 step program that is helping me to find peace w/ in myself. ( Thank you God for my sobriety and for the beautiful, awesome life I now have!! emoticon ) I've set a goal of a 20 lbs loss by my 2 yr sober birthday which is July 19th...soooo that makes 3 month away! I can do this!! God, it feels so good to be living a life where I'm actually "loving & cherishing" my body mind and soul instead of filling it w/ poison and throwing it all away!! Again, thank you God!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SINGLEMOM1960 5/14/2010 5:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
I know this is a few weeks late. But good for you! You can do it, whatever "IT" is. We're here to support you!

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