Monday, July 08, 2013
I suck at relationships. They scare me. Iím sensitive by nature and also a little distrustful. Most women are flattered when men say theyíre beautiful; I am suspicious. Iím also not good at opening up and being vulnerable in general. Obviously, the mature thing to do is to avoid such situations and relationships. And thatís what Iíve done (rather successfully, I might add). My weight wasnít an effort to deter relationships but it have an impact, for sure. I used to be the chubby girl with the pretty face. But now that Iím down to a healthy weight, I attract a different kind of male attention. Itís a change.
Iím still adjusting.
Okay, fine. Iím not dealing with it well.
I purchased and consumed potato chips last Saturday. A whole bag over the course of a few days. Reduced fat ones, but thereís still a whole lot of empty calories in reduced fat potato chips. I drank too much wine the other night with a girlfriend. I pretended that it was okay because she was going through a breakup. But her breakup does not need to end up on my thighs. Then I had dinner with friends last night and ate too much. I donít know the last time I was that full. I felt awful.
I decided on my way home from dinner that I have to be real about why I am eating/drinking and generally feeling out of control. Itís that Iím a complete scaredy cat. Iím freaking out because thereís a guy who seems to genuinely like me. Who says crazy things like, I think youíre beautiful and I couldnít stop staring at you when we met. Sweet, right? Pass the potato chips.
I need to work on calming down, for one. And more importantly not allowing my craziness to manifest in eating the wrong things or even too much of the healthy things. Admitting this, and saying it out loud (writing, whatever) is my first baby step.
PS Ė to all who read & posted on my previous blog
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I feel like the only time I ever blog is to complain about things. And I should work on doing better to celebrate the good and positive and not just focus on the negative. That said, I'm irritated. haha
I was talking to one of my closest friends yesterday. I was talking to her about the silly drama of a single girl. Cut to the chase, I told her I might consider it if this guy wants to take me to out a NICE dinner with a NICE bottle of wine Ė where NICE means expensive because he can totally afford it (and heís such a goober, he really owes me one). Then I was saying there are so many great restaurants here in town that I donít go to because theyíre pricey and it would be such fun to go if he's paying. Except, I told her, Iíd get fat eating out that much.
Oh stop, she says. You look great. You worry too much about your weight. Maintaining weight loss is so much more fun and you should relax.
Good thing we were on the phone or I might have punched her. First of all, I still have 5 pounds to my goal weight so I should still be creating calorie deficits, not maintaining.
Second of all, yes, maintaining is so easy and so much fun that 95% of people who lose weight regain all of it and then some. I want to be in the 5% club. So no, I donít think I worry too much. In fact, Iím not sure I worry enough. Like I skipped the gym last night. (Not for lack of trying Ė I forgot my snacks for work, so I was starving when I left. I went home to eat and figured Iíd use the little gym in my building after dinner. Except everyone seemed to have the same thought and all 6 cardio machines were taken; so I ran some stairs to get my heart rate up and did some pushups and called it a day. Which I know was totally slacking and not good).
And to be totally ugly Ė sheís got quite a bit of weight to lose herself, so sheís one to talk about what it takes to maintain a healthy weight.
Stuff like that makes me crazy. If an alcoholic were to dry out, no one would tell her in 18 months Ė hey youíve been doing good for so long, go ahead and have a couple beers; you donít do it every day. Why is acceptable to tell someone who abused food, go ahead and eat like crap, itís not a big deal.
Granted, my abuse wasnít a full blown addiction, but it was abuse. I used it as a reward for doing things I didnít want to do. I used it as a comfort when I was lonely or unhappy. Itís easier now than it was because Iíve created new habits to fall back on. But just like an addict, I still need to be conscientious every day. Because I know that as soon as I ďrelaxĒ Iím going to get fat again. And I donít want to do that.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
The other day, a coworker offers me some chocolate. No thanks, I tell him. He tries again, but itís the really good stuff, címon itís in my office down the hall. Irritated, because I had already declined once, I reply firmly, no thank you, I'm working on losing 7 pounds and I've been doing very well and Iím going to stay on track. He sort of chuckles but doesnít say anything else and wanders away.
Of course by the end of the day, other coworkers are coming by and asking if Iím really trying to lose 7 pounds. Not in a supportive way.
Today, we had cakes and cookies brought in for a meeting. I went straight for the bottled water and nothing else. The admin objects, we ordered gluten free stuff just for you! So I told her that she should have asked me first because I would have told her not to! Then as people were eating, I got the dirtiest looks. At one point people were actually laughing at me.
I WAS MIFFED. I told one person that he could stare at me all he wanted because I wasnít going to give in. Donít get me wrong, if I had known in advanced and planned for it, I would have been all over the gluten free treats. But I didnít and Iím not going to be derailed.
I just donít understand why people feel entitled to comment or downright bully others because theyíre trying to be healthy. Of what concern is it to them whether I eat a piece of cake or not?
The worst part is Iíve lost more than 7 pounds in the 9 months since Iíve started in this job and no one has cared or particularly noticed. The only difference now is Iím so close to my goal weight that I'm making an extra concerted and conscious effort. I regret saying anything in the first place.
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