Thursday, November 07, 2013
Apologies to the fall Starfish for going MIA and not contributing this week! Iíve had a hellacious week. I had a major deadline at work which was crazy stressful. And yesterday, I was in a do-loop with my boss. I was gathering information and every time I thought I had everything and had anticipated all the questions heíd ask, heíd come up with something I didnít expect or know the answer to and Iíd be scrambling to get the answer and get back to him. Which led to another round of questions, and invariably something new that I had to confirm. Around and around and around we went. I didnít have time to get to the bathroom all morning, I missed lunch, and I was at the office until super late. So yesterday was an unintentional ďfree dayĒ because I ate whatever I could as I ran around.
And on top of that Iíve been feeling really tired, rundown and generally a little blue. So itís been a major effort to get workouts in. I have done a couple but most nights, I donít feel like doing anything. So Iíve just sat on the couch. I think itís time to see the doc and make sure there isnít something medically wrong.
Anyway, Iím looking forward to things calming down over the next few weeks and a strong finish to my fall 5% challenge!
PS, did not mean for this to turn into a complaint about things not worth complaining about! #firstworldproblems!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I have realized the last couple days that I am just as hard, if not harder, on myself now than I was 50 pounds ago. Lately Iíve been inclined to disparage myself and feel guilty, fat and inadequate. I have been trying to figure out why that is. And I think Iíve discovered the source.
Iím crazy. Ha. Iím kidding. Kinda.
I am an intense perfectionist and put a TON of pressure on myself. I am frequently motivated by fear, specifically fear of failure. I have had friends, bosses, and professional coaches tell me this over the years. Iíve agreed every time itís come up. Because I know this about myself. Iím also intensely goal driven and self-motivated. In short, I am my own worst enemy.
Iíve been stuck somewhere between 3.5 and 8 pounds from my goal for months. And recently, itís left me saying some not very nice things to myself.
Not losing a pound a week = failure. Not forsaking a personal life for weight loss = failure. Not resorting to extreme deprivation to achieve a goal = failure. Not wanting to work out after a long day at the office = failure.
After all, by now (over 18 months since I started), Iím supposed to be a hard core Olympic-level athlete who never eats her emotions or drinks too much wine on a Friday night. Iím supposed to be perfect. And I am so not perfect.
I blogged earlier that I had the fleeting thought of wanting to be normal. And I think that was my subconscious telling me, weíre tired. Weíre tired of obsessing and feeling bad and being negative all the time. Time for a rest.
SO, I am going to do as much as I can through the end of the Fall 5% Challenge and then Iím done focusing on losing weight. Wherever I end up at the end of that, I think thatís my new goal weight. Bonus - I will have already achieved it! After that, time to spend that energy on something else.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
As part of the 5% challenge, I decided to go back to the basics of what worked for me at the beginning when I was losing weight, easily and consistently. For those who are familiar, itís basically the South Beach Diet. Lots of fresh veggies, lean protein and some low GI carbs. Beyond the fact that Iíve given my way of eating a fancy name, nothing has changed. Breakfast, lunch and my 2 snacks were the same as usual. I have dinner planned and itís healthy (if not terribly exciting).
Then I had that awful, verboten thought. The scourge of all dieters. The thought that says, I canít wait to go back to normal. (I know. I can hear you all gasping).
First of all, I donít even know what that means anymore. What Iíve been eating the last few days hasnít changed much. So this IS normal.
Now how much of it Iím eating has changed. Iím eating at the low end of my range (about 1300 calories), which I havenít done consistently in a while. But then I havenít lost weight in a while either.
So what gives? Why is this so much harder all the sudden? By giving my meal plan a name (that has the word diet in it), have I sabotaged myself? Maybe my body is just readjusting to eating the way Iím supposed to (and just havenít been) when Iím losing weight? Or maybe I'm just crazy!
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
I have been a little bit of a mess lately. Maybe not a little. More like a lot. Thereís been so much going on. Iím in a new position at work and on such a steep learning curve. Everything is taking me so long to do because I have no idea where to start. In my free time, Iíve been trying to buy my first house. Turns out this process is not as fun and easy as HGTV makes it seem. To be honest, it sucks. Itís scary and stressful. And holy thatís a lot of money! I will negotiate and commit millions of dollars of my employerís money and think nothing of it. But spending more than $100 of my own money is a different story. Plus compulsive perfectionist in me is terrified that Iím going to screw it up somehow.
Unfortunately, Iíve found myself eating my emotions. The good/bad news here is theyíre delicious because they taste like peanut M&Ms. Every year I bring in Halloween candy to the office. Iím not much of a sweets person so Iíve never had a problem resisting it. This year, I swear Iím going to turn into a Fun Size pack of peanut M&Ms. Every time I walk by, I grab one. Itís awful! And with everything else going on, I havenít been working out consistently either. In a good week, I can usually get in my 90 minutes of cardio by Tuesday. Here it is Thursday, and Iíve worked out once this week. But itís hard when I donít leave the office until late and then need to go do stuff for the house (like yesterday when I had to get the contract ready to make an offer).
I was thinking this morning how grateful I am to have SP. Spark has helped me recognize when Iím eating to cope. And also recongize that it's really not helpful. Before I joined, Iím not sure I was even aware of that. Silver lining here, maybe?
Anyway, I am SUPER excited to get back on track with the 5% challenge!! GO STARFISH!
Monday, September 16, 2013
Well, I did it. I went through my closet over the weekend and started sorting out the clothes that don't fit anymore. Once I got started, I just kept going. I was ruthless. Things I don't wear, don't like, not sure why I bought in the first place -- in the pile. Shoes that don't fit or are uncomfortable -- in the pile. Only worn once dresses from weddings and Christmas parties -- in the pile. Ratty PJs and old stained shirts -- in the pile.
By the time I was done, I had this in the middle of my living room (only I promise it wasn't sideways):
I am donating the things worth donating and the rest have gone in the trash.
I'm amazed at how much space I have in my closet. I'm also pretty disgusted with myself for having so much in the first place. No one needs this many clothes. I've decided I need to do better with that and not buy just for the sake of buying.
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