Wednesday, November 25, 2009
So far the Holiday Trimmings contest has been keeping me mostly on track. Last weekend, not so much, but I have turned things down, skipped a potluck at work and made some more than half-hearted attempts at exercise.
Last night I tried Zumba. I tried it after work through a work sponsored class a couple of weeks ago and liked it. I tried it last night at the Y. It was fun. It was exciting. I burned a lot of calories and worked up a pretty good sweat. I enjoyed it and will definitely be going back. OK... Let's try this again...
Take two: It was completely demoralizing. It was draining. It was heartbreaking. I couldn't wait to get out of the room so I could go find some place to cry. Why do people think that in order to be able to dance you need to be completely surrounded by mirrors? Really?
It also didn't help that most of the people in the room were young, fit, thin and pretty. I spent almost the whole hour trying to focus on the thin perky ass that was the instructor. Trying to get her moves down. (How do hips move that way?) Trying not to feel so large and unwieldy. I even took off my glasses so I wouldn't have to see the others, or the mirror.
There was one older gentlemen in the class. He looked like he had lost some weight, but still needed to lose more. I looked at him at one point and thought, "If he can do it, so can I." Then I thought, "I wonder if someone is thinking the same thing about me." I looked around and I was one of the heaviest people in the room. I don't remember looking around and thinking that before. I remember the days when I was one of the skinniest people in the room. I was pretty darn close to "Here... have a sandwich" skinny. Again... heartbreaking... demoralizing... I used to be able to dance. I used to be able to move. I wasn't a professional by any stretch of the imagination, but I could at least get my body to respond to what I wanted it to do.
How did I get here? I know what to do. I've read the books. I've watched the videos. I've scoured the internet. I've been on SparkPeople for years. I should be able to do this. I shouldn't have gotten here in the first place. But I did. And I have to own up to it.
I'm fat. There. I said it. I'm fat. I'm the fat woman in the back of the Zumba class a half step behind everyone else. Hoping that nobody sees how uncoordinated she is. Hoping that she won't see herself in the mirror. Hoping that she doesn't start crying in the middle of the workout because she remembers what used to be.
So, am I going back to Zumba? Yes. Will it be easy? No. Will it be demoralizing, draining and heartbreaking? Probably. So, why am I going back? Because I broke a sweat. Because I burned a lot of calories. It was exciting and it was fun. And some day... I'm going to have a skinny ass and be able to get my hips to move that way...