Thursday, March 29, 2012
Have you had ever had the kind of hunger that food just does not feed? Yesterday I had that kind of hunger. For me it starts out like true hunger. I remember thinking to myself right before lunch that I was having what I deem "one of my hunger days", but realistically, there was no reason for it. I fed this hunger during the day, but I never felt full. I was not feeling well, which could have been a contributor, but usually when you don't feel well, you aren't hungry.
On my way home from work, I decided to feed the hunger with the wrong kind of food. After I finished eating that wrong kind of food, I was still hungry, so I ate more. By the time I reached for the bag of pretzels, it finally dawned on me that I was not feeding hunger, I was feeding emotions. I was feeding disappointment, rejection and that void that is so deep that crawling out of it seems futile. That void has run deep for many years of my life and even though in the moment is seems futile, I crawl out, like I did this morning when I crawled out of bed, even though I knew that the hunger I was trying to feed yesterday was still going to be there.
I still feel disappointed and rejected. The reason these feelings are looming over me right now is because I will have to face them head on the next time I return to San Diego (which is in a few weeks). You see, the person with whom I was rejected by is currently living with my family in San Diego. My family does not know that we were together last time I was there, so no matter what happens, having to be around him or him not being around to avoid me just SUCKS! I know I need to move forward, but for me, it just is not that easy. You see, when you have no self confidence, you try to create scenarios in your head to ease the pain, but all the while you know the truth. The truth is, he does not feel the same about me, and no matter how many times I try to tell myself it is his loss, he would be lucky to be with me, I know I deserve more, I can't help but feel like there is something wrong with me.....Rationally, I know this is not true, and there are days when I stand strong, but when that void creeps up, when that loneliness creeps up, I just cave....
But today is another day, and I don't feel as hungry. I also know that if that hunger returns today, I need to be sure and ask myself, what am I REALLY hungry for....
Friday, March 02, 2012
In a therapy session long ago the counselor described my habits of drinking, emotional eating and spending as stuffing my emotions to fill the emotional void I had experienced through out my life. That really resonated with me. Then I ready a blog from one of my dear Spark friends regarding really "feeling" the emotion rather then "stuffing" it away with food. It was a real break through for me, because I realized that I don't feel many things, I stuff them away, I avoid them, I replace them with negative self talk, wine, ice cream and shoes.
Affairs of the heart are so tough for me. I don't play in the dating world very often because I am really bad at games. My experience last weekend with a boy I liked which was exhilarating and fun has left me sad and disappointed. Determined not to let the situation control me I have been working hard all week at repeating those words to myself, "Don't Let this Define You"... It's been going ok. I haven't emotionally ate, I haven't indulged in to much wine and I haven't spent money. I have exercised, I have stayed within my calories and alas, I "felt"...
I did not realize how often I tried not to feel emotions until I was laying on the couch thinking a few things through and a thought would pop into my head and I would immediately avoid it. I was trying not to feel it. One because It hurt but feeling it would mean having to admit it was real, and obviously admitting it was real would be some sign of weakness. See, I always put on the happy face especially in the area of relationships. I try to tell my self and those in my life that I am fine, I am happy being single, alone is great. Since things did not go as I had hoped with the boy, having to admit how excited I had become at the thought of having someone in my life and realizing it was not happening was crushing. Having to face the fact that I really am lonely, and I do want someone in my life, and how disappointed I am, boy I gotta say, it was a tough feeling to have. So, there I felt it, it is out in the open, good right? Well, here is the other thing I do. I start with the negative self talk; maybe I am meant to be alone, maybe there is something wrong with me. I can't date, I am to messed up, no one will want me! Yes, all those things go through my mind, A LOT!! But since I am working on TACKLING these issues of my lack of self esteem, I have started to talk back; you have to believe you are a great person, you aren't meant to be alone and you are no more messed up then the next person!
All this feeling is exhausting. I feel lousy and maybe that is the best thing for me. I am allowed to feel bad, I am sad and hurt that someone I liked did not like me back. In the end I guess I know feeling lousy about a boy is way better then feeling lousy about weight gain, having a hang over and unpaid bills. This time stuffing was not an option...take that Stove Top!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I have been known to do a lot of things when something disappointing happens in my life, and those things usually lead to greater disappointment. So, I thought I would take a few minutes to do some managing, because I know I am facing disappointment!
This weekend I had some fun with a boy, someone I have liked for a while but he was married and now he is not. He may not be Mr. Right for a few different reason, not insurmountable reasons, just reasons that should be taken into account, because they could be part of the disappointment. Anyways, as the weekend came to an end, it did not end completely like I had wished, and needless to say, I don't think we are on the same page as to what to now that the weekend is over. Granted we live in two different cities, but again one of those reasons that are not insurmountable. So, as the dust settles, and the disappointment is setting in I know I need to get one step ahead of things because my track record is not the best at handling disappointment. Why you ask, well, not to beat a dead horse but lack of self confidence is one of them, and how I usually cope with disappointment, ie, emotional eating, spending money and laying in bed feeling sorry for myself and not participating in life are my good old stand by's. You see where I am going here, disappointment begets more disappointment. But, since I am determined to nip this self sabotage in the bud I thought that I needed to get things off my chest and sort through my feelings.
Not being on the same page about how to move forward after the weekend, well I can understand that. One person thought, hey maybe this will lead to something and one person said, that was fun . So, having to wrap my head around that, well, it just hurts. That glimmer, that feeling of excitement was gone in a second and it makes me realize how lonely I really am. How having to put your feelings on the line, and having them hurt, it just SUCKS. When things go unsaid, like I know you are coming back in April (I am and he knows that) but we well talk before that, or hoping that he would send you a text , facebook message or email just making sure you got home safe, when those things don't happen, it just adds salt to the wound. Now, I know it is only Tuesday, who's to say those things won't happen, but the waiting for it, and wondering if you should send an email, or whatever, is just as hard. That is why I need to head this off at the pass, manage the disappointment before it manages me. So here is what I am going to do:
1. Remember that I am a wonderful person and he would be lucky to have me in his life
2. Don't isolate myself no matter how hard it is
3. Don't wait around for something that is not going to happen
4. Move forward and don't stay in the past
5. Don't play the "what if" game!!
6. Don't obsess, it is what it is
7. Feel the disappointment instead of stuffing it away
8. Remember that if he wanted to contact you he knows how and he should want it!!
Now after writing it, I have to live it! For me easier said then done. But again, I am determined not to let these kinds of situations take control and define me any longer! I have to come out strong on the other side or my life is just going to keep standing still.
Plan for tonight: I think I need to go home (after the gym) have a good cry, keep praying and like all things, this too shall pass!!
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
That is the new header on my home page, tackling it. So I thought I would incorporate that phase into tackling my goals for 2012.
I am not sure I wrote out any goals in 2011 but rather would continue work on the goals I put down on paper in a journal I started in January of 2010 that I hope some day to turn into a self help book. I thought it would be a good idea to put them down here as well, to see where I am and then put them into perspective for how I am going to tackle my goals for 2012. Here they are:
1. See at least one item through to the end, no quitting, no excuses
2. Conquer depression and stop letting it conquer you
3. Eat to live not live to eat
4. Get back on track and complete your bachelors degree
5. Find a career not a job
6. Pay down debt and live in financial means
7. Learn how to ask for help if you need it
8. Get a handle on health issues
9. Take better care of your car and house
10. Find a meaningful relationship
I thought in reviewing this list I would feel like I had not really accomplished anything. Looking at it further, I can see that some of these things are just not going to happen overnight or within in a year and if I really look at it, I have chipped away at a lot of items on the list. No need to go into detail, you'll just have to take my word for it.
Now getting back to my goals for 2012 and how the items above come into play. Many of the items on the list, I believe, relate back to my larger problem, a lack of self esteem. To elaborate I believe they tie into my issues with food, depression, not being able to live within my financial means and lack of a healthy relationship.
As 2011 came to end, I had to say I was glad to see it go. It was a year of transition and change, not completely in a good way and for the last couple of months I have been walking around in a fog trying to figure out what was bothering me. Every tear I shed, every ice cream bar I ate, every evening I laid on the couch wondering what was wrong, I kept coming back to one thing, I should be happy but I am not because I let everything and everyone get to me. I let me boss push my around and make me cry, I let my idea of body perfection hold me back from a meaningful relationship, I let these same feelings interferer with my education, making me feel like maybe it isn't worth. Why do I let these things happen, lack of self esteem. When I wrote those goals down 2 years ago I thought my depression was really holding me back, but it really is only part of it, I am holding me back. I gotta say, I am tired of holding me back. I am tired of not being able to reconcile what my heart feels with my head. I tired of being alone and feeling unworthy. That is where the tacking comes in and my goals for 2012. Here are my goals and how I am going to tackle them:
1. Build my self esteem
a. Start with purchasing a self help book that has written exercises and finish it (I have a tendency to get about halfway through and quit, see #1 on my list above)
b. Seek professional help if necessary: review your progress in 90 days
c. Continue work on your journal which you designed to help you work through your issues
2. Develop better coping mechanisms
a. Staring with purchasing a self help book that has written exercises...and you know the rest
3. Exercise consistently for the next 12 months
a. 3 days of exercise per week with a focus on strength training
4. Conquer fear of the scale
a. Get on the scale once a month,
That is it, those are my goals for 2012 and the list I began in 2010 will now be my life goals to be reviewed each year.
I have got my work cut out for me. I am intrigued to see how it goes!
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