Wednesday, January 04, 2012
That is the new header on my home page, tackling it. So I thought I would incorporate that phase into tackling my goals for 2012.
I am not sure I wrote out any goals in 2011 but rather would continue work on the goals I put down on paper in a journal I started in January of 2010 that I hope some day to turn into a self help book. I thought it would be a good idea to put them down here as well, to see where I am and then put them into perspective for how I am going to tackle my goals for 2012. Here they are:
1. See at least one item through to the end, no quitting, no excuses
2. Conquer depression and stop letting it conquer you
3. Eat to live not live to eat
4. Get back on track and complete your bachelors degree
5. Find a career not a job
6. Pay down debt and live in financial means
7. Learn how to ask for help if you need it
8. Get a handle on health issues
9. Take better care of your car and house
10. Find a meaningful relationship
I thought in reviewing this list I would feel like I had not really accomplished anything. Looking at it further, I can see that some of these things are just not going to happen overnight or within in a year and if I really look at it, I have chipped away at a lot of items on the list. No need to go into detail, you'll just have to take my word for it.
Now getting back to my goals for 2012 and how the items above come into play. Many of the items on the list, I believe, relate back to my larger problem, a lack of self esteem. To elaborate I believe they tie into my issues with food, depression, not being able to live within my financial means and lack of a healthy relationship.
As 2011 came to end, I had to say I was glad to see it go. It was a year of transition and change, not completely in a good way and for the last couple of months I have been walking around in a fog trying to figure out what was bothering me. Every tear I shed, every ice cream bar I ate, every evening I laid on the couch wondering what was wrong, I kept coming back to one thing, I should be happy but I am not because I let everything and everyone get to me. I let me boss push my around and make me cry, I let my idea of body perfection hold me back from a meaningful relationship, I let these same feelings interferer with my education, making me feel like maybe it isn't worth. Why do I let these things happen, lack of self esteem. When I wrote those goals down 2 years ago I thought my depression was really holding me back, but it really is only part of it, I am holding me back. I gotta say, I am tired of holding me back. I am tired of not being able to reconcile what my heart feels with my head. I tired of being alone and feeling unworthy. That is where the tacking comes in and my goals for 2012. Here are my goals and how I am going to tackle them:
1. Build my self esteem
a. Start with purchasing a self help book that has written exercises and finish it (I have a tendency to get about halfway through and quit, see #1 on my list above)
b. Seek professional help if necessary: review your progress in 90 days
c. Continue work on your journal which you designed to help you work through your issues
2. Develop better coping mechanisms
a. Staring with purchasing a self help book that has written exercises...and you know the rest
3. Exercise consistently for the next 12 months
a. 3 days of exercise per week with a focus on strength training
4. Conquer fear of the scale
a. Get on the scale once a month,
That is it, those are my goals for 2012 and the list I began in 2010 will now be my life goals to be reviewed each year.
I have got my work cut out for me. I am intrigued to see how it goes!
Monday, October 10, 2011
I have to admit that I am pretty sick of thinking about and logging food. For the most part, my diet is healthy. My problems with weight lie more in emotional eating and in turn portion control. To me one kind of goes with the other, you begin emotionally eating and then controlling portions goes right out the window. I know that controlling my emotional eating will be a battle I will fight every day, it is just part of my emotional make up. I win the battle more then I ever have before, but I will always have to fight the good fight. So for now, I am going ditch the daily food tracker. I am going to focus on preparing meals as I always have which I hope will keep me in the proper calorie range. It is a gamble but one I think I am willing to take (at least for now).
Now, this journey to me is all about accountability, and I know that if I don't log in here everyday and focus on the journey as a whole, I will not be successful. So I decided to change my perspective and instead of focusing on food I am going to focus on two areas of my weight that I have not won the battle over and those are consistent exercise and alcohol consumption.
Alcohol consumption for me is another thing that goes hand and hand with portion control . Alcohol is an appetite stimulant and it makes me hungrier. Case in point, a few weeks ago I had a few to many glasses of wine. Not only was I totally useless the next day but my diet and portion control were out the window. What crossed my mind was how sick and tired I was of how drinking was making me sick and tired. So, at that moment I made a decision. Unless I am attending an occasion, like a party, or happy hour or something of that nature, I am not going to drink. I did none of those things last week, so I successfully completed my first 7 days without alcohol.
Then I had an epiphany this morning while getting ready and remembering Teeny Bikini's ticker on her page the other day. Instead of my ticker showing pounds lost, it is now going to show exercise minutes. I know that this is a HUGE area where I need to focus! So, now that the weather is crisp and nice in the morning, and I don't have to be at work until 8:30am, it is time for me to get out there and enjoy it. I am going to focus on more days exercising with smaller bursts, something I have never done before.
I talked about wandering in my last blog, so I thought this would be a good place for me to start wandering to.
Am am looking forward to seeing how it goes!!
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Last week I had an off week. I had the blues and just felt out of sorts. The interesting part is, I am not sure why. I do know what set things in motion though, an email. I am amazed by the power of words, especially, in the form of email. The email was from one of the people I support at my job. It was short and sweet, and it made me feel terrible. It was in the form of an accusation, and was completely unfounded. So, how can an email, that has no tone, and incorrectly infered that I had not completed a task that was asked of me, make me feel so bad? If you are holding your breath with anticipation for the answer, don't, because I have discussed it adnauseum in other blogs; can you guess? Lack of self-confidence. I know the more confident person would have just brushed it off and said, screw you. Not me. I let if hurt me to the core, I let it sink in until I start questioning every other aspect of me life. By the time I left work that day, I said to myself, "why do I let these things get to you?" "When are you going to stop letting others devalue who you are?" Now for the nay sayers out there, who have from time to time commented on how we are in control of our own lives, I say, if it were that simple, then I would not feel this way, and I applaud and in marvel people who have this kind of self-confidence. So, the next question begs; how does one get that kind of self-confidence? Now, I am going to interject something here, because I have asked myself this question before, and I know the answer, and do know how, I just don't know how.
As I went through the rest of the week, I decided that I was just going to have the blues, I was going to eat an extra handful of pretzels, because, well, that just made me feel better. I layed on the couch, I went to bed early, I wallowed in self-pity, because it felt good in the moment. Then last night, as I was laying on the couch eating popcorn chips with wild abandon I asked myself another question; "what do you think is missing in your life that you need to fill the void with these popcorn chips?" I really felt in that moment that I was trying to fill a hole, some sort of hole in my life, an emptiness that nothing seems to fill. I wander here all the time but the emptiness remains.
Wandering down the same path of emptiness, where popcorn chips and lipstick put a temporary fix over the hole until I fall through again is exhausting. I know it is time to wander down a different path, the path where the hole is filled with happiness and self-confidence. So, I guess it is time to LEARN how. How to wander down a different path.
So, I wandering I will go....
Friday, September 23, 2011
Well, at least for me it is hard to just be happy with, who I am, the number on the scale, what I look like, what I do for a living. The list goes on.....and something tells me that I am not alone in these feelings. So, I asked myself the question again, "Why can't I just be"? ....Seems pretty easy doesn't it. But for some it is just not, me included. Now, I can honestly say I know why it is hard for me, and I could write pages about it. Knowing seems like it would be half the battle right? Yes, it kind of is, but knowing how to deal with it, well there's the rub!!! How have I dealt with it in my past? By not eating, eating to much, drinking, spending money I don't have and engaging in unhealthy relationships. Because, that is how I learned how to deal with things, by essentially not dealing with them.
Case in point, I was having one of those days yesterday (totally TOM) and when this happens one of the weirdest urges takes over, the need to run out and by a new lipstick. (I own to many as it is). But I stopped myself as I was thinking about it, and said "Why do I have this urge"? The answer I came up with was quite simple, in my mind I think that if I can put some lipstick on it, then from the outside things will be all better. Needless to say, I did not buy any lipstick yesterday because well, that just wasn't going to solve anything. So, what did I do, nothing, I just went about my day. Used the lipstick I had in my purse and decided that would be good enough!!
In the end, why I am here, is to live a healthier lifestyle, which includes losing weight and maintaining it. But I am also here to learn better coping mechanisms, so I can just be. I have come to the realization that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realize that this is MY life style. At times I wish it wasn't, but it is. I will always in part have to worry about what I eat, how much I exercise, if I am emotionally eating, because it is who I am. I know I have made some very positive strides, but I also know I am only human. Some days the only thing that is going to make me feel better is Ben & Jerry, it just is what it is.
So for me, yes, it is hard to just be...but the more I am here, the more I work on it, the better things are!!
So today, for all of you who are struggling to just be....let's just be!!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time MANLEYSANDY Posts