Thursday, May 26, 2011
I am an insecure person by nurture. Yes, you did not read it incorrectly, by nurture, not nature. When we come out of the womb naked and thrown on the scale for the first time, we don't care about the numbers on the scale or worry about how we look. We don't know any better. It is only by nurture that we develop our sense of self and our insecurities.
I can't really put my finger on when I became insecure (about everything). It is just a feeling I have always had. Ten years ago, if you would have asked me if I could change anything in my life what would it be. My answer would have been that I wish I had gone to college right out of high school. If you asked me that same question today, my answer is totally different. I would now answer that I wish I had the nature to stand up for myself and fight for what I really wanted and needed, which would have allowed me to go to college right out of high school. I let my nurture rule my life for many years, let it define me, let it continue to breed my insecure ways.
With insecurity comes the search for security. Although, I have searched for security in many ways, one of the "security " blankets, or "Wookies" I use quite often is the cardigan sweater. I own tons of them, in every color, style and sleeve length. I hide my insecurities about they way I look behind these cardigans. So much so, that even when it 110 degrees outside, I still wear one. I told my mom the other day, that this was going to be the summer of shorts (also something I don't wear because of my insecurities) but I along with the summer of shorts, I am going to go one step further and make it the summer of NO CARDIGAN sweaters. I have to do this because if I don't become comfortable with the person I am, right here, right now, it won't matter what the numbers are on the scale. I will just keep hiding.
Today was as good as any day to start, and I left the cardigan at home (it is going to be 101 degrees here today). It is tough, I feel like a part of my is missing, I feel exposed. But at the same time it is liberating and cooler ;-).
The ultimate test for me will be later this summer. I am attending two weddings and am determined to wear dresses (maybe even strapless), with no CARDIGAN SWEATERS!! As a breath a heavy sigh, I am up for the challenge. I can do it!
Here's to what I am hoping will be a cooler summer and good bye to my Wookies!
Monday, May 23, 2011
I had a frustrating week last week and with frustrating situations comes the inevitability of how I am going to handle them. As my weekend began, how I handled them really got me thinking about who is really in control.
When I got home from work on Friday I had the blahs and recognized that I probably should not have more than one glass of wine and watching "Say Yes to the Dress" was out of the question. You see I was in one of those moods where even though I was upset about the way things were going at work, I knew eventually it would turn into how everything in my life (past and present) was upsetting me. Watching "Say Yes to the Dress" in this kind mood always leads me to tears over would could have been and I knew I should not go down that road. It was a good decision, but one I don't make or seem to recognize as often as I wish I would. So, that got me thinking about control. The control so many things in my life have over me. As I was making breakfast on Saturday I thought, I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where food does not have control over me, but I have control over it? Right now it is controlling me, or rather it is controlling what I can't control in my life. I'm not out of control eating, but I am definitely eating to ease the uncertainty I am going through. So, I started to think back to the beginning of last year, and what changed in my thinking so that I could get control of food. Well, my life was simpler at this time. I was not about to lose my job. At that time, I also started tackling my problems at the choke point, or as I like to say getting to the bottom of what was "eating" me. Flash forward to today, I really have stopped the intense sole searching I was doing because the weight had come off. However as much as I would have liked it to, the problems did not come off with the weight. They are still there, and will always be there to some degree. So, where does that leave me. Back to the choke point. Back to REALLY dealing with is eating me.
So, what is eating me? Let's start with just something simple like the fact that I am worried about finding a new job. Anyone would be in this economic uncertainty. But as I said above, it is always so much more than that to me. One simple problem opens up my flood gates. When the flood gates open I start to lose any sense of self-esteem I have. I begin to doubt who I am, what I am and what I truly deserve. Then I shut down and the flood gates keep gushing. I try plugging them up with the various things that I usually use but stuff just keeps seeping through. I am NOT in control.
Of course, food is a huge issue for me. But when those flood gates opened up, like they did this weekend, another common theme reared its wet ways; If you let me, I can prove to you I am good enough. This is a common theme in the relationships in my life. As far as romantic relationships go, I always seem to be interested in men that are unavailable, either emotionally, or just plan not available (to young, involved, you get the picture). You see if I can prove to them how wonderful I am, then maybe they will become available??? If I can prove to them how wonderful I am, maybe I can finally believe it myself??
It really hit me hard this weekend, but I am finally coming to the realization that when my life is out of control the only way I know how to be in control is to eat (over eat, under eat or purge) and shop. If I feed what seems like hunger on the inside and make the outside look good then no one will ever know I am not in control, right? WRONG!
So, who's really in control of my life, lack of self esteem/confidence, that is who. This lack of self esteem/confidence has been in control for as long as I can remember, and quite frankly, it is exhausting. Can I gain control over something I have never had. I am not sure? I will tell you this though, I have to to try. I want more for myself, I really do.
Where do I start? The first place is to stop feeding the hunger with food and start feeding it with acceptance.
Can I do it...stay tuned!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Last night I was feeling uneasy and what I eventually said to myself was a feeling of limbo. In the midst of this analyzing I was eating, and saying to myself, "you know you are going over your calories for today, but you know what, that is ok, because once you are out of this state of limbo, you can really put the pedal to the metal, and lose those six pounds you need to lose". Then I thought, what does limbo have to do with it? Does limbo mean that you don't have to watch what you eat or exercise? I am pretty sure I can answer my own question, which is no, that is not what limbo means. I am laughing and shaking my head as I write this because it is so funny how often I do this. You know, trying to justify one behavior with another. If I really thought about it, isn't life always going to have some sort of limbo in it? So does that mean I will never have to lose those six pounds, or exercise, or do anything I need to do, because I will always be in some sort of limbo? Again, I think I know the answer to that question.
I have said it before and I am going to have to say it again, old habits die hard, and this is one of the worst habits for me. I always think of this quote from Gone with the Wind, "After all, tomorrow is another day" when I think about how I approach things with a later rather then now mentality. That is what I am doing really, putting of what I can do today until tomorrow. That comes in part from this extremely annoying habit of mine to be perfect. If I can't do it perfectly, then why do it at all. Did you pick up on that, another one of my justification. Why walk when you can run, right?
My son got an award in 6th grade from a teacher for his enthusiasm. Instead of just saying "here" when the teacher was calling roll, he would said, "here and ready to learn". I need to take a lesson from him and say "I am here and ready to learn." Learn that I can't be perfect, I just have to be me. Learn from my Spark friends. Learn what works and does not work for them. Learn that my past behaviors do not work, and that putting off what you can do today until tomorrow serves no real purpose. Now, I know that six pounds does not seem like much, and in the grander scheme of things it is not. But six pounds can become sixty really quick, that I do know!!!
Knowing that things are in limbo in my life is a good place to start. I just have to learn how to deal with it better then with justifications, cookies and shoes.
I am here and ready to learn....today rather then tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
These were three words used by a speaker I listened to this past weekend. A friend of mine invited me to attend a breakfast that was organized by her church. The theme of the meeting was how can a woman be unshakable in times of struggle. The speaker used these words in conjunction with prayer and problems and I thought these words were pretty relevant to all the issues that are shared here on SparkPeople everyday.
Openness is an interesting one. I am always amazed at how honest and open people here are. I think it is truly brave to be able to share OPENLY the struggles people face both past and present. But now after hearing the context in which the speaker used openness do I truly understand why it is so important. You cannot receive the help need if you are not truly open. Case in point. I often times read thoughts like this; I know I am upset but I just can't put my finger on why (I am famous for this). Okay, if we really knew why, then it would be really easy to just deal with it and move on. How often does that happen? Not to often... You see, I think we really know what is bothering us, we are just to scared to be open about it. We are scared about what people might think or how they will react. We are scared to have to face the problem head on or plain and simple, we just don't want to face the problem at all. I have said it before and I am going to say it again, until I am truly OPEN about my problems and how they relate to my need for food this is going to be an everyday struggle. Right now, I am sick, school is kicking my butt and I am about to be unemployed and I gotta tell you, I have been feeding my fears and worries with food. It is what I do, it is all I know how to do. There, I opened up...was that so bad....
Humility, well, that is as tough as openness is. By definition, humility means "the quality of being modest, reverential, even politely submissive, and never being arrogant, contemptuous, rude or even self-abasing" From a religious standpoint, and how the speaker was interpreting the definition, humility means "A quality by which a person considering his own defects has a humble opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake". The way the speaker put it was we have to be humble enough to admit that we have problems and admit that we need help with them. Another tough one right? As humans, we want to be strong, we want to be able to deal with our problems on our own. The way I see it is, God put all sorts of wonderful people on earth who became doctors, nutritionist, personal trainers, friends, etc. so that we may seek out the help we need instead of always trying to go it on our own. Friends are great, everyone knows that, and friends try to help us in their own way. However, if we are not totally honest with them about things, then they really can't help us can they? Also, sometimes friends, are not totally open with us because they want to be our friend and don't want to hurt us. This is one of the reasons I think seeking other avenues for help is something that is truly beneficial. Ten years ago I would have never shared my feelings on blogs....but now I do. Why, because I sought help from a professional that told me to get my feelings out in the open by writing them. I am all for seeking help, and if the means medically, spiritually or metaphysically, then do it...No need to go it alone...I am at a crossroads right now, I see those bad habits sneaking back in. I gotta figure out a plan and what help I need to get back on track.
Accountability; we all know what that is. That is what we do on SparkPeople everyday and a tough one as well. I get so bored of journaling. I get so bored with celery and chicken. I hate that one of my friends can eat a hamburger everyday for lunch. I HATE exercise. So what do I do, I take it one day at a time. I hold myself accountable by journaling what I eat and how much I move. Every time I have not held myself accountable, I have put the weight right back on.
In the end the weight is just the variable. Not dealing with the problems and issues that arise in my life on a daily basis in an open, humble and accountable way will keep my weight right were it is, on rather then off....
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