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The ramblings of an internalizer

Monday, March 14, 2011

I have had a really bad bout of insomnia over the last week or so. At first I was like, everything is fine, why would I be having trouble sleeping? Then I said, really, are you being completely honest with yourself or are you trying to put a brave face on the outside, neglecting what is on the inside? You know, your usual internalizing. Here's an idea, Why don't you take a look at what is going on in your life right now and see if you can make any sense of it:

1. I am going to lose my job in June
2. My mom is coming over this week to help me paint my house and I have some home repairs that need to be done that she is going to question me on
3. School is boring and tedious this semester and I am having a hard time staying engaged
4. I can't seem to get motivated to exercise
5. I have raging PMS
6. Even though I am going to be unemployed, I keep finding excuses to spend money that I should be saving

Now, that was not so bad was it...It is the open...

So why do you keep internalizing? Could it be because if I don't say it out loud then it isn't real? Are those pep talks you keep giving yourself just a cover-up. What are you trying to cover up, you know you are effing tired, you have never been laid off from a job, and have not been unemployed since you were 20. You know you are getting a severance package when you do get laid off but with so much economic uncertainty are you really scared about how long or if you will find a job. Are you worried about your mom's reaction to what needs to be done at your house even though you are an adult, and it is your house. Is it that you still feel like you did when you were a child when you needed to tell her something you did not want to. No offense to anyone who teaches at a community college but it is frustrating to have to take classes from individuals who teach part-time and lecture verbatim out of the text book that they make you read which does not teach you anything yet you still have to spend thousands of dollars to take these classes. Every week you say you are going to put on your work out clothes and work out, but instead you makes excuses and put on your pajamas. PMS, well that just stands alone.

Is facing the reality that you are scared and frustrated admitting that you are not perfect.

Further, why can't you be angry? Because you were angry today about something that happened at work. When you ate lunch you gobbled down your lunch like you hadn't eaten in a week. Even though you knew you weren't still hungry you wanted to eat more and you thought, you know what, you are ANGRY and instead of just dealing with the emotion, or just saying, man I am gulped up food as if it would take away the anger! Isn't that what you always do, internalize, or do something else not to face the emotion? You betcha you do....

Facing it here was not so bad was it...

Getting it out...isn't that better?

Yes it is!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMURPHYH 3/18/2011 6:24PM

    I could really relate to this. Thank you. emoticon

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Letting it in, letting it out and letting it go...

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

I was thinking about letting go the other day when I was exercising. I have never been a fan of exercise. I have tried to put every spin on it I can but at the end I just do not like it. When I am doing it however I feel a certain feeling, and I say to myself, why do I struggle so much with this? This feels good, this is the right thing to do. So why is it so hard to do. Why do I battle myself all the time over 30 simple minutes of exercise? In the same moment I said, well it is because you do not want to let go. You do not want to let go of that person who struggles, who needs food, who is afraid to be successful and get what she wants. That person has been your companion for so long, it is hard to let go....

Then I was thinking today, you can't let go if you keep letting it in. What I mean by that is I keep letting the bad things in, overtaking the good things, letting them run my life. When the bad takes over so do those tried and true coping mechanisms... Ben and Jerry! Why does eating a Big-Mac make you feel so good one minute and then have you in tears the next. I don't know but if I keep letting the bad things in they are going to take over.....AGAIN!

I made a promise to myself that I was not going gain this weight it it time to get my Spark back! Where is that person that was so determined last year, where is that person that put her work out clothes on when she didn't want to, where is that person who logged her food everyday! She is in there...she is just buried under the bad...I need to let her back in!

I like her...and that is ok! When I start listening to her more, I can let go!


I am 1 today!!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I have spent several years of my life (since I was about 16 years old) with an extremely dysfunctional relationship with the scale. Most of the time avoiding it, not because I was not sure that I was over weight but because I just could not face the reality of the situation.

Well today I am proud to say that I have gotten on the scale every month for the past 12 months, no matter what I thought the outcome would be. I am no longer afraid of what the numbers say because they no longer control me!

So as I celebrated my 1 year birthday today stepping on the scale; there was no tears shed as in years past because the number showed a gain, there was a sense of empowerment because I have the tools, the support and know how to move the numbers in a different directions!!

Thank you Spark People and Spark Friends!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 2/15/2011 1:59PM

    Literally gave me the chills! You are amazing ... Happy Birthday!

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Nobody told me there would be days like this....

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Strange days indeed...

Yesterday was one of those days indeed.

The company I work for is an industrial real estate company, and has been struggling since the downturn. Things seemed to have somewhat stabilized, or at least I thought, until last week when it was leaked that our company was merging with another company. Now, the powers that be can spin it anyway they want so I won't go into any great detail, but even though it is a good thing for the company's involved, not so much some for the employees. Yesterday, we had an all employee meeting (for our office it is done on a web call) which kind of outlined the merger and the normal lip service to butter everyone up with. Then after the call, we had our staff meeting, and discovered that our regional head told our boss that the merger was indeed going to effect our office, and for him to not be caught off guard. Now, not sure what that means, but at the end of the day, things are going to get painful.

Normally, I would be FREAKING OUT, and with this emotion would come my normal coping mechanism's; over-eating, drinking and spending money. However, I am happy to report, I did none of this things yesterday. The good voice in my head, continues to gain strength over the evil voice in my head. As I felt those feelings start to bubble up yesterday I just rode the wave not doing anything different. I thought about going to grab a fast dinner last night after class, but the good voice in my head said, you don't have the calories for the Wendy's salad you are thinking about getting. Instead I pieced together my dinner in my head from my pantry and frig (staying within my calories even with the limited groceries at home). Now I did have a glass of wine with my dinner, but friends, I did not even finish it (who am I?). No need to spend money when you don't have any (I have money but it is not for spending) So no money was spent. Even when I was leaving class last night, I asked myself, why aren't you freaking out? Although I am not totally sure why, in the end maybe it is because I know I can't control what is happening, and whatever happens good or bad is just going to happen whether I FREAK OUT or not. Make no mistake, I can't afford not to have a job, especially since the city I live in has a 9.4% unemployment rate, but again, I can't control it, so I have to let it happen! Unfamiliar territory for me.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is the plan, who knows, but for today, in this moment, I feel normal, stable, good, and I did not need ice cream, wine or clothes to make me feel that way!!

So To leave you with the words of John Lennon;

"Well everybody's a winner and nothing left to lose"....

Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed, strange days indeed


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIANE7786 2/3/2011 1:14PM

    Good for you for keeping a positive attitude about something you can't change. These are strange days for almost everyone. I hope you find a good job very soon.

Comment edited on: 2/3/2011 1:14:51 PM

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KT-NICHOLS-13 2/3/2011 12:50PM

    Good for you for staying in control! It's a testament to how far you've come.

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The Great Leap Forward...

Friday, January 14, 2011

That leap to filling the void...

From an anthropological stand point, the Great Leap Forward happened after Homo Sapien appeared. Culture over took evolution and we are where we are today; evolution has come to a halt and the human race is now struggling with genetic and selective pressures. I thought this was a good example to use when I think about where I am today, and how I am going to make the Great Leap Forward in my life. How am I going to conquer life's selective pressures?

Last January 1, 2010, I decided that it was time to take control of my life. By this, I mean that I had to start battling the demons that have kept me from not living my life in a truly authentic way. I could talk at nauseum about the why, but the bottom line is I have always felt like I was wandering through my life without a sense of purpose or self-worth, having to finally realize that all the food, clothes/shoes or alcohol just was not going to make up for what I was lacking in life. The void!!!

So, I began 2010 with yet another lists of goals/resolutions. First on the list, like so many others was to lose weight. But more importantly, to keep it off, and learn how to maintain it. Now that I have lost the weight, we come to a new selective pressure that I have not faced before, keeping it off. How do you keep it off, when you have always used food to fill the void? I am not sure, that is why I am here today.....I am determined to keep it off....But I am finding myself back to that place, where you let those old habits seep back into my subconscious. I am hear today to say, I am not going to succumb to the selective pressure those bad habits represent.

But as I said above, food was not the only one way I filled the void. I used stuff to fill the void; clothes, shoes, manis/pedis, hair styles, the list goes on and much so that I always find myself in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. Alcohol...well, let's just say that we learn what we witnessed as children, and it has always been a thorn in my side. But working through my issues with food, I have come to realize that alcohol just makes it harder to lose and keep the weight off. I like a good glass of wine with dinner or beer at the games, but I have to continue my work of keeping it's presence in my life as the exception rather then the rule.

This brings use to 2011; a new plan, a review of last years goals/resolutions and to pick up where I left off. So, my most important work is just beginning. The new task at hand, how will I fill the void?

I am looking forward to what this new year has to bring for me, because I think that the first thing I am realizing is that creating new happiness for myself, new acceptance of myself can only bring closure to the void.....

I am ready to leap!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KT-NICHOLS-13 1/16/2011 11:59PM

    I'm leaping with you girl!

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