Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I have spent several years of my life (since I was about 16 years old) with an extremely dysfunctional relationship with the scale. Most of the time avoiding it, not because I was not sure that I was over weight but because I just could not face the reality of the situation.
Well today I am proud to say that I have gotten on the scale every month for the past 12 months, no matter what I thought the outcome would be. I am no longer afraid of what the numbers say because they no longer control me!
So as I celebrated my 1 year birthday today stepping on the scale; there was no tears shed as in years past because the number showed a gain, there was a sense of empowerment because I have the tools, the support and know how to move the numbers in a different directions!!
Thank you Spark People and Spark Friends!!
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Strange days indeed...
Yesterday was one of those days indeed.
The company I work for is an industrial real estate company, and has been struggling since the downturn. Things seemed to have somewhat stabilized, or at least I thought, until last week when it was leaked that our company was merging with another company. Now, the powers that be can spin it anyway they want so I won't go into any great detail, but even though it is a good thing for the company's involved, not so much some for the employees. Yesterday, we had an all employee meeting (for our office it is done on a web call) which kind of outlined the merger and the normal lip service to butter everyone up with. Then after the call, we had our staff meeting, and discovered that our regional head told our boss that the merger was indeed going to effect our office, and for him to not be caught off guard. Now, not sure what that means, but at the end of the day, things are going to get painful.
Normally, I would be FREAKING OUT, and with this emotion would come my normal coping mechanism's; over-eating, drinking and spending money. However, I am happy to report, I did none of this things yesterday. The good voice in my head, continues to gain strength over the evil voice in my head. As I felt those feelings start to bubble up yesterday I just rode the wave not doing anything different. I thought about going to grab a fast dinner last night after class, but the good voice in my head said, you don't have the calories for the Wendy's salad you are thinking about getting. Instead I pieced together my dinner in my head from my pantry and frig (staying within my calories even with the limited groceries at home). Now I did have a glass of wine with my dinner, but friends, I did not even finish it (who am I?). No need to spend money when you don't have any (I have money but it is not for spending) So no money was spent. Even when I was leaving class last night, I asked myself, why aren't you freaking out? Although I am not totally sure why, in the end maybe it is because I know I can't control what is happening, and whatever happens good or bad is just going to happen whether I FREAK OUT or not. Make no mistake, I can't afford not to have a job, especially since the city I live in has a 9.4% unemployment rate, but again, I can't control it, so I have to let it happen! Unfamiliar territory for me.
I keep thinking in the back of my mind, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe this is the plan, who knows, but for today, in this moment, I feel normal, stable, good, and I did not need ice cream, wine or clothes to make me feel that way!!
So To leave you with the words of John Lennon;
"Well everybody's a winner and nothing left to lose"....
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Nobody told me there'd be days like these
Strange days indeed, strange days indeed
Friday, January 14, 2011
That leap to filling the void...
From an anthropological stand point, the Great Leap Forward happened after Homo Sapien appeared. Culture over took evolution and we are where we are today; evolution has come to a halt and the human race is now struggling with genetic and selective pressures. I thought this was a good example to use when I think about where I am today, and how I am going to make the Great Leap Forward in my life. How am I going to conquer life's selective pressures?
Last January 1, 2010, I decided that it was time to take control of my life. By this, I mean that I had to start battling the demons that have kept me from not living my life in a truly authentic way. I could talk at nauseum about the why, but the bottom line is I have always felt like I was wandering through my life without a sense of purpose or self-worth, having to finally realize that all the food, clothes/shoes or alcohol just was not going to make up for what I was lacking in life. The void!!!
So, I began 2010 with yet another lists of goals/resolutions. First on the list, like so many others was to lose weight. But more importantly, to keep it off, and learn how to maintain it. Now that I have lost the weight, we come to a new selective pressure that I have not faced before, keeping it off. How do you keep it off, when you have always used food to fill the void? I am not sure, that is why I am here today.....I am determined to keep it off....But I am finding myself back to that place, where you let those old habits seep back into my subconscious. I am hear today to say, I am not going to succumb to the selective pressure those bad habits represent.
But as I said above, food was not the only one way I filled the void. I used stuff to fill the void; clothes, shoes, manis/pedis, hair styles, the list goes on and on...so much so that I always find myself in debt and living paycheck to paycheck. Alcohol...well, let's just say that we learn what we witnessed as children, and it has always been a thorn in my side. But working through my issues with food, I have come to realize that alcohol just makes it harder to lose and keep the weight off. I like a good glass of wine with dinner or beer at the games, but I have to continue my work of keeping it's presence in my life as the exception rather then the rule.
This brings use to 2011; a new plan, a review of last years goals/resolutions and to pick up where I left off. So, my most important work is just beginning. The new task at hand, how will I fill the void?
I am looking forward to what this new year has to bring for me, because I think that the first thing I am realizing is that creating new happiness for myself, new acceptance of myself can only bring closure to the void.....
I am ready to leap!!!
Monday, November 08, 2010
I am not sure about you but when I am in mid crisis over something I have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. I can't seem to interpret how my feelings effect how I am going to handle a situation.
Case in point, I have been divorced for about 10 years. Although the divorce was the right decision, it has been a long painful 10 years. I had a dream on Friday night about my ex-husband, and it is a dream I have quite often. It takes many forms, but the gist of the dream is, somehow we find ourselves back together, and I can feel those feelings of love I once had, then all of a sudden, something happens and he tells my why we aren't going to be together (and not in a nice way) and all that pain comes flowing back. Friday nights dream was a particularly vivid one and as the tears were flowing Saturday morning when I woke up I did not realize how it would impact the rest of my day! You see, I thought I was fine as I got out of bed, got started on my day, went to the gym, ran my errands, and come back home for my traditional Saturday afternoon nap. Then as I ran to the grocery store for some cat litter and a few groceries I thought one cocktail won't hurt...
Well after the cocktail, and a particularly emotional episode of House (the one where Cuddy tells him she loves him) and a few more cocktails, the tears were flowing again, and I finally realized that I was right back to those first painful months after our separation. I was mad and angry, and even though in the moment I told myself that this was not the best way to be handling my feelings, I was just going to do it anyway!!!
Fast forward to Sunday as I was musing to myself on the way home from my mom's I said, next time you have to handle this better. Because the chain of events after having a few too many cocktails is never pretty. No gym, a large fries from McDonalds and the dreaded stomach pains I have when I drink and eat junk! Because obviously this was a repeat performance!!! I am like a child!!!
So I said self....what you SHOULDA done was log on to Spark and start blogging or reading, or get out your journal and start writing, anything but reaching in the refrigerator. What your GONNA do next time is try to truly feel the feelings in the moment and not bury them in food and drink! And you WILL realize that each time you do this you WILL learn that it is better then any martini or ice cream sundae will ever be!!
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