Monday, November 08, 2010
I am not sure about you but when I am in mid crisis over something I have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. I can't seem to interpret how my feelings effect how I am going to handle a situation.
Case in point, I have been divorced for about 10 years. Although the divorce was the right decision, it has been a long painful 10 years. I had a dream on Friday night about my ex-husband, and it is a dream I have quite often. It takes many forms, but the gist of the dream is, somehow we find ourselves back together, and I can feel those feelings of love I once had, then all of a sudden, something happens and he tells my why we aren't going to be together (and not in a nice way) and all that pain comes flowing back. Friday nights dream was a particularly vivid one and as the tears were flowing Saturday morning when I woke up I did not realize how it would impact the rest of my day! You see, I thought I was fine as I got out of bed, got started on my day, went to the gym, ran my errands, and come back home for my traditional Saturday afternoon nap. Then as I ran to the grocery store for some cat litter and a few groceries I thought one cocktail won't hurt...
Well after the cocktail, and a particularly emotional episode of House (the one where Cuddy tells him she loves him) and a few more cocktails, the tears were flowing again, and I finally realized that I was right back to those first painful months after our separation. I was mad and angry, and even though in the moment I told myself that this was not the best way to be handling my feelings, I was just going to do it anyway!!!
Fast forward to Sunday as I was musing to myself on the way home from my mom's I said, next time you have to handle this better. Because the chain of events after having a few too many cocktails is never pretty. No gym, a large fries from McDonalds and the dreaded stomach pains I have when I drink and eat junk! Because obviously this was a repeat performance!!! I am like a child!!!
So I said self....what you SHOULDA done was log on to Spark and start blogging or reading, or get out your journal and start writing, anything but reaching in the refrigerator. What your GONNA do next time is try to truly feel the feelings in the moment and not bury them in food and drink! And you WILL realize that each time you do this you WILL learn that it is better then any martini or ice cream sundae will ever be!!
Thursday, November 04, 2010
I said these words to myself last Sunday evening as I was musing over my weekend; did I exercise, nope, did I stay in my calorie range, nope, did I open my books to study, nope. Did I need to do all those things YEP...why didn't I?... I know the answer..."YOU" was creeping into my head. Now, for those of you who have not met "YOU" allow me to introduce him, his name is "Steve"; he is the voice in my head, my inter-dialogue, my inner critic. I used to think he was my friend, my best friend, but I have come to realize that his is my enemy, and I vow to do battle with him until I am victorious!
You see, I have felt the feelings I was having this past weekend many times before. It is just that time of year for me, the weather is turning colder, another year is coming to an end, another year older....you know the drill. However, as I was laying on the couch Sunday night I felt something else, a new sense of determination. Gone are the days of focusing on what I HAVE NOT accomplished. My focus is now going to be on what I have accomplished and giving myself credit where credit is due. I have let it happen for too long, letting Steve win the battle for my self worth/esteem and it is about time that I take it back from him!!!
For me, my weight has always been so tied into my self worth. It seems like from such an early age in my life, being thin was like the path to greatness. You have to be thin to be happy right? Well, I have been thin before, and I can tell you right now, I wasn't happy. So, I have come to let go of the notion that being thin was going to bring me happiness. I knew that I had to start believing in myself, standing up to Steve at every turn, every time he sneaks into my head to tell me I can't do something, I can't be happy, I can't like myself. That is what I have been doing right here on Spark people, standing up to Steve to let him know that he isn't the boss of me anymore!
So, Monday morning when I woke up, that is exactly what I did. I said, Steve is not going to win. I am going to lose those last 2 pounds by November 15th, and if I don't then oh well, I will be happy with whatever the number is on the scale and I will be ready to begin the next part of my journey, maintenance. I will put those work out close on after work today, and go walking at Tempe Town Lake. Lo and behold, I took it one step further and starting jogging. I will open those books when I get home and study no matter how tired I am, because getting your degree is just in your reach! Steve may think he can wedge his way back into my territory, but I say....
I can win....I will be victorious...sometimes I just need to retreat, regroup and and come up with a new battle plan...
Friday, October 15, 2010
We all get obsessed with the numbers right?!! The numbers on the scale, the number of calories eaten, the number of calories burned, the number on the clothing labels, the number of year lived! It is enough to drive you crazy!
But, I am happy to blog that I had some happiness in the numbers this past week.
First, I had to buy some new pants, none of my old ones fit anymore (tehe). I went to the store and grabbed the size I thought I would be, 14, seemed logical to me, but when I tried them on, I was not a 14 at all. To my complete delight I had to go back for the size 12!! I was beaming from ear to ear!
Second, today was my weigh in day....and I did not have the best month....I have been lacking on my gym attendance, and letting those few extra calories tag on to several days the last month. So, I set my goal this month at .7, that was it, because I wanted to see 169.9 on the scale....Again, to my complete delight, as I got on the scale this morning, camera in hand I saw this number!!
YIPPEEEEE, I yelled....(cat's running for cover from my volume)!!!
So, here we are, another number that is a sight to be hold, only 1.8 pounds away from goal, and as I have said many times before, this is just the first leg of my journey, because once that weight is gone, the real journey for me begins...keeping it off!
I am looking foward to what is uncharted territory for me...maintenance, and more of the same happiness in numbers!!!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I thought I would summarize my last month or so of my journey, you know, just to get some of my thoughts out in the open...and to take a look at the outcome of the goals I posted on one of my blogs..
1. Stay within in my calorie range until 9/15/10 no excuses, no backing down
Ok...that this did not happen, and I am ok with that. Part of the reason I am here is to change my life style, and I need to live my life, and not always be down on myself about food...you know the drill. The up side though, is as of the date I wrote the original blog up until my last weigh in on 8/15/10 I did stay within my calorie range 25 of the 37 days...not bad!!
2. Hang up my skinny jeans and a little black dress in my living room to remind me of my goal
I did do this...it helps to have the reminders of your goals front and center
3. Enter all my calories in my tracker before I leave work so I know exactly what I can eat when I get home from work
This lasted about two days....mostly because I would just forget, but also because if I was low on groceries, I was not sure what I was going to eat...So, good idea in theory...
4. When I want to mindlessly eat get up and do something else (clean, read, do a crossword anything else that does not involve eating)
I did do this....I started a few home projects, started a book and dug harder into my crosswords!!!
5. Have more veggie related snacks available when you do want to mindlessly eat and eat them!!
I did do this too! I ate a lot of celery, tomatoes and cucumbers and I really enjoyed them!
So, all and all not bad.
I had targeted 9/15/10 to be at my goal weight, which leaves me 8 pounds to lose. Now, is this doable, totally. However, given my weight loss progress thus far...I just don't think it is going to happen. One because I have yet to lose that much weight in a month, and two, I start back to school next week. That means three evenings a week at school plus my full time job is going to be hard to keep up with my current 4 days a week exercing. Is it possible, yes, is it possible for me...probably not, and I am ok with that because I have to accept my limitations. Exercise and I are just not simpatico! Again, I know that, and I am trying to change that....but I have to be realistic. It just is what it is....I will keep my calories in check....I am determined more then ever there, since I know I am not going to be putting in as much gym time....I am going to try, but again, it is me we are talking about!
I have been feeling a lot of aprehension about starting school and losing the rest of the weight, but I am up for the challenge, because in the past I would have given up, and I am just not going to do that this time!!!
I will weigh in on 9/15/10 and see where the scale lands....it could land at my goal, it could not but I am going to give it 110%!!
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