Thursday, July 08, 2010
I have to admit that for the last 3 weeks I have been having a really hard time staying within my calorie range. I have not been going over to much during the week, maybe 50 or 100 calories, but on the weekends I have been going over maybe 200 to 400 calories. I keep telling myself it does not seem like much, and you are exercising more then you were, so it should even out right?!!!?? But as I type these words I realize I am just making excuses! I need to stop it right now!!! I want to be at goal in 2 months....what is my problem??? Well, my problem is, I am letting that voice in my head (I call him Steve) get the best of me....you know you have heard it before...taunting you...go ahead just have that extra piece of mozzarella cheese, it is only 50 calories...but unfortunately 50 calories will keep adding up, and I need Steve to shut up!!!! So, what do I need to do to shake this off....Well, first I have got to stop listening to Steve but I also have to take some additional steps of accountability here and set a few goals to keep myself and Steve in check:
1. Stay within in my calorie range until 9/15/10 no excuses, no backing down
2. Hang up my skinny jeans and a little black dress in my living room to remind me of my goal
3. Enter all my calories in my tracker before I leave work so I know exactly what I can eat when I get home from work (when Steve is the worst!!)
4. When I want to mindlessly eat get up and do something else (clean, read, do a crossword anything else that does not involve eating)
5. Have more veggie related snacks available when you do want to mindlessly eat and eat them!!
I have been at this fork before...but I am bound and determined to take the path I have not traveled before...So here we gooooooooooooo!!!
Thursday, July 01, 2010
I have read quite a few blogs on reflections today...and I thought I would add my two sense!!
I have struggled with my weight, what seems like my entire life. When I was a teenager I had eating disorder problems and when I reached adulthood my eating became my friend, my comfort and my enemy. About ten years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost about 50 pounds...and during the years that followed up until now I have gained it back and lost it probably 3 maybe 4 times (I have lost count). So at the end of 2009 I said to myself, "Self, enough is enough, it is time to tackle the reason why you can't keep the weight off." I finally decided to face the fact that my weight issues were bigger then just weight. I started 2010 with a list of goals, and the number one goal on the list was to see one of them through to the end! This is important because I feel like losing the weight and regaining it, is not really seeing it through to the end.
As I reflect on my goals at this mid way point in the y ear, it makes sense to talk about a goal that we all can relate to, and it was my goal not just of losing the weight but the goal to Eat to Live, Not Live to Eat. See, I have DIETED for what seems to be my whole life, but through trial and error I am finally realizing that the dieting is not working, that is was truly time for me to make a lifestyle change. That change can only start with truly recognizing the profound emotional connection I have with food, and how I needed to break the connection...
A glimpse into what I am calling my evo-e-lation came yesterday after a particularly trying day at the office. The evo part came when the first place my mind went to when I was frustrated was to grab shovel, insert food, what ever it is, get me to the refrigerator stat!! ...The e-lation part came when I stopped and asked myself, "Self, what is food going to do...it is not going to take away your frustration back away from the shovel....I was elated!!! I truly felt a moment of evolution from past to present. Later in the evening I went out to dinner with a friend, and I wanted to order the tower of onion ring appetizer, I wanted the chicken sandwich loaded with guacamole, I thought, it can't hurt can it, just this once..No maybe not...but in the grander scheme of things, it hurts my long range goal...which is to break the connection, change my lifestyle....I ordered the grilled chicken salad. Not only was I satisfied with the meal, I was even more satisfied with myself...
My evolution has only just started, as I know I can lose the weight, I have done it before, the real test for me will be to keep it off...that is the place that I hope I will fully evo-e-late too...
As Randy Jackson says on American Idol, I am in it to win it!!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
As I was anticipating the pending doom I always feel before I weigh in I could not help but wonder why those numbers on the scale have such a hold on me. So, I asked myself the other day, I am more then a number right?
I know I am here is to lose weight, and in order to lose weight I have to get on the scale and hope that there is a deficit rather then a surplus in those numbers that appear. It sounds pretty simple right, but for me, the number on the scale has always represented some sort of membership into a secret club, like once I reach that magic number there will be a parade or something. I will finally fit in. But the truth of the matter is, there is no magic number, or parade or secret club because no matter what that number is, I have to accept and believe in myself.
To that end, this journey for me is more then just the number on the scale it is a journey to gain self-confidence. So the answer to my questions is, YES, I am more then that number on the scale....and when I forget that then I can come here to find the strength we can gain from numbers...the number of people here who know exactly what I am talking about and let me share in what they are feeling and let me share my feelings. What a blessing....
So today instead of being a number, I am just being me! Won't you join me..........
Monday, May 24, 2010
Every Sunday I go to my mom and step-dad's for Sunday dinner (really my lunch their dinner..you know how the older folk are!!) My mom knows that I am trying to lose weight, so she always makes healthy stuff and then when I do have dinner later that evening, I always go lighter!
After we eat, my mom, myself and another friend go shopping and out for a coffee at Starbucks. Sundays is also the day I pick one thing, and one thing only, that I don't add to my nutrition tracker. Now, I don't get carried away or anything, like letting myself have an entire pizza....although I have been tempted...I just have a little something to treat myself without the worry....Anyways, my mom said, when we go to Starbuck's today, I am buying everyone a little treat, and I said good because it is my treat day. We get to Starbucks and I order my coffee (nothing fancy) and a brownie...Yummy right! Here is the funny thing....as I took the first bite, I thought hum, it is not as good as I remembered it to be. I took another bite thinking maybe the next one with the chocolate chunk would be better, and still, not really that good. Of course I ate the whole thing, but could this be happening, because I am of the mind set that anything chocolate tastes good, that am I losing my need for that brownie or that treat. Could it be that I am really learning that I don't NEED the brownie to fill any kind of need, even the need for a little treat...I am not sure but I gotta tell you that I would have NEVER thought in a million years that I would be sitting here telling everyone that I did not like a brownie....It was a GREAT feeling....
Now my next project....CHARDONNAY! For some reason I still have not lost my taste for that!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I am having one of those days...I am not feeling myself, and as I was heading to work this morning, the first place I wanted to go was Starbucks. Now in and of itself going there is not a bad thing, I can make healthy choices at Starbucks, but the fact that my mind went to that place it goes, the place where I think food will bring me comfort. So as I am driving I say to myself, is a cup of coffee and scone from Starbucks going to make you feel better? Besides a little bump from the caffeine and empty calories from the scone, is it really going to satisfy my emotional needs. The answer was, NO, not at all. So, off to work I went, avoiding the Starbucks drive thru.
Then when I arrived at work, one of my coworkers said she was going to the café next store to our office for a bagel, and I thought maybe I should get something too... I did not need anything, I had my breakfast all ready to go in the breakroom, but there it was that thought popped back into my head, maybe a bagel would make me feel better. I knew I did not need the bagel, and it had only been like twenty minutes since the initial conversation I just had with myself and there I was again ready to try to satisfy my emotions with a bagel.
So obviously the burning question I need to ask myself is what is the emotional need I am trying to fill right now. I am not sure, so here I go...
I am not feeling well...(stomach problems, which is just a fact of my life)
I am unhappy in my job...(I know I am extremely lucky to be employed, but it just leaves me feeling sad, unsatisfied and unsure of the future)
I am on the tail end of my monthly visitor...(always a downer)
I am happy about my weigh in from Saturday.. (but I think perhaps the reality of the situation set in, and even though I lost weight, I still have a long way to go, and I am just having a little doubt that I won't make it)
I feel a slide back....(coming on....that feeling I get when I just don't want to journal one more piece of food, or set foot in the gym...I just want to do nothing but eat an entire pizza)
The good thing is, all these things I am feeling are feelings that I have to deal with everyday and all of them have solutions. The real solution I am looking for here is to not fix them with food, but to fix them with ACTION!!!
First course of action, no slide back, journal your food and get to the gym today, no excuses!!!
Wheewww...I feel better...
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