Friday, April 26, 2013
You try to get unstuck, right? I have been stuck behind the finish line of my life for many years now. I get almost there and then I get stuck. I decided that this year was the year I was going to get unstuck, I am going to attempt to cross the finish line on a few things in my life.
The first thing, and the main reason we are all here, is to change our life styles. That can mean many things to many people, losing weight, eating healthier, running, racing, plain old exercising. I started here on Spark 4 years ago because I was overweight and not exercising and financially it made sense. In my past attempt s to lose weight, I was always successful on Weight Watchers, because it is the same concept, track your food and exercise and the rest will follow. Of course, I know if it were that easy I would not still be here day after day. Now, I have lost weight and regained it back more times than I can count over the years and that was the difference when I started here 4 years ago. I wanted to stop that cycle. So, I had to really concentrate on what I doing wrong in my past attempts. First, I would not make it a lifestyle; I would lose the weight and then go back to my old habits. The other thing I was doing wrong, not dealing with my “brain” weight. I knew that the weight was not all physical. I achieved my “weight loss” goal in November of 2010 (lost 38 pounds), but I have not been that weight since. I have not gained it all back, I did however put on about 13 pounds in 2011, lost about 7 in 2012 and have been stuck there ever since. See, I just can’t seem to get over the finish line and in this case stay there!! So, that brings me to today. I got on the scale for the first time since November 1, 2012. I am not a fan of the scale, I let those numbers seep into my self-worth, but if I am going to cross the finish line, I have to start right? Why did I get on the scale today, let’s back up a little to the beginning of April, I knew I needed to do something, say it with my, I was stuck. I decided to approach my weight with something I would never normally do, but since nothing else was working, I thought I would give it a try. I am going to preface this with saying that I don’t balk at anyone’s choice of methodology, you should do what works for you. If Medifast works for you do it, if South Beach works for you do it, if WL surgery works for you by all means do it, but if you don’t make it your lifestyle, you will be back to square one. With that being said, I decided that I needed a jolt, I was eating way to much top ramen, taking in that extra glass of wine all too often, and eating way to much candy. In this instance I needed to go cold turkey, and tell myself no, so I have been doing the Atkins plan along with logging my calories here on Spark. This plan has always been kind of counter intuitive to me. It is pretty high fat; you aren’t really supposed to worry about calories either. Plus, I have tried it in the past and just never had any success, so I always poo pooed it, (but truth be told I never really did it right and always gave up, you see, not getting over that finish line). But, I felt I was becoming completely dependent on marshmallow peeps and just need to back away. The thing is, by tracking my carbs on the Atkins tracker and by tracking my calories here on Spark, I can watch my fat intake to make healthier choices and I believe it is something I can live with for a long time. Am I ever not going to have a piece of cake again, no, but I decided I would treat sweets with exactly what they are, a “ treat” and not the daily occurrence it was becoming. I was pleased to see the number on the scale this morning was 8 pounds less than it was on November 1, 2012. I really do feel like it was the kick start I needed, it seems to be working for me, and I know that I have to continue to move forward with this lifestyle. So, good, some of that physical weight is coming off, but again, the physical weight has come off in the past, and I know it will again. That brings use the next finish line to cross, the brain “weight”
Backing up again to the beginning of April, not only did I need to give myself this little jolt on the physical weight, but I also decided that although I have been trying to work through my brain weight on my own over these past 4 years, it was time to call in a professional. I just don’t feel like I am going to cross the finish line without a coach there to help me. That is how I came up with the theme of this blog, my coach and I both decided that I was stuck, and getting to the bottom of why can indeed get me across the finish.
One of those things lines in my life I need to cross and or really cross out has everything to do with why I am here, my body image. That number on the scale, that quest for weight loss has permeated my life but not in a good way. You see when I was a teenage I had anorexia. That teenage girl has been a thorn in my side ever since because that skinny girl has always been who I have been trying to be for all these years. No matter how many times I say it to other people, that number on the scale does not define you, I don’t believe it, because the image I have in my head of how I am supposed to look is the skinny girl I was at 17. No matter what I do, or what my weight is, I am still trying to be that skinny girl. So, my coach asked me a great question, “ok, that girl might have been skinny, but was she happy” Hum, it really has got me thinking and will soon be another blog once I have the chance to really think it through, I hope you will tune in.
Anyways, the ultimate finish line for me is to get my brain weight dealt with, so the girl I am today can be happy, not that girl I was (we don't even know if she was happy). That way I can get cross the finish line in the other areas, including a healthy relationship not only with food but with a man.
I am not a runner, so I am not planning on running across the finish line; I just want to get across it, one step at a time!
Until next time…
Monday, April 08, 2013
Last week I posted two goals on my feed, one was to stay out of the candy dish at work and the second one was to track my food every day. I stayed out of the candy dish (by the way, the candy dish is on my desk and I am the one that keeps it full). Friday was the hardest day to stay out of it, it was slow at work and I was having an emotional day, but I made it through with no candy from the candy jar. Quite an accomplishment wouldn’t you say? Not really and here is why. I also tracked my food for 6 ½ of the 7 days. I gave up yesterday evening, not a good food day, which brings me to my point, even though I stayed out of the candy dish, my food intake was nothing to be proud of. Now, as I wrote the goal to track my food every day, I purposely did not set the goal of “staying within my calorie range”. I wanted to stay within my calorie range, but lately, I have wanted food more. So, this was my way of trying to see the good vs. the bad.
The bad part was, for instance, at Panda Express, my norm is steamed rice, steamed veggies and teriyaki chicken. Now, I asked them for only one scoop of rice, extra veggies and usually when they say, “do you want double meat”, I say no. Last week, I said sure, why not. I knew I shouldn’t have, I knew I was going to go over my calories for the day but I did it anyways. I wanted to food more. However, if I look at the bigger picture, or the good part, I still chose the healthier option, I could have chosen a million other bad for me items, but thinking about the tracker and my calories always brings me back to reality.
Now, I said my food was less than stellar last week right which brings us to Wednesday, when I was trying to figure out what to have for dinner, I thought Carl’s Jr. If I am being bad, why not go all out right? Yes and no. I wanted a burger, but I opted for the charbroiled fish sandwich, but instead of passing on the fries, not only did I have them, when the person asked me if I wanted medium or large, what do you think I said, large. My mind wanted food more, but the tracker brought me back to reality. Now, as I was sitting in the drive thru waiting for me food, I also asked myself another important question, “you are trying to solve a problem with eating, what is really bothering you?” You see, I know I am emotionally eating; I just don’t seem to ever get to the bottom of the why? So, I started thinking some things through and realized that I was worried about something with a friend, and instead of actually dealing with the emotion I was not only eating, but I was lying in bed each night when I came home from work. At the end of the day, the something with the friend turned out to be absolutely nothing, and the rest of the week with food was much of the same. I did manage to get myself up and out of bed this weekend and exercised, but in the end I still wanted the food more.
I will say, that even though I did not want to track the food because I did not want to see the damage I was doing, I did it anyway. If I am not being honest with myself, then I am never going to reach my goals. So, that brings us to today, Monday, a new week. In my feed I posted, “a new week, gonna make it a good one” and I intend too. My goal for this week is to start digging into the issue of “why do I want the food more?”
Thursday, November 29, 2012
I struggle with what I think is a form of SAD (season affect disorder). Only it is not because of the lack of light, or whatever, it is a lack of something, something I feel I am missing as the holiday's approach and the year comes to an end. Unfulfilled accomplishments, hopes, dreams, a longing for a sense of belonging. It always comes to ahead right around Thanksgiving and I usually can put it to rest after the new year. This year, I have tried to get ahead of it, and for the most part I have been doing pretty good, but I feel myself slipping. Why do I slip, why do I feel my life is less important then it should be, why do I think I never accomplish anything? As I was pondering those thoughts, it got me thinking about something that crossed my mind this weekend after a silly repeat encounter with a "boy". I said to myself, "next year at this time, I am going to have a relationship and be 20 pounds thinner" cause "that will show him".....Then I thought, why do I care what he thinks, he doesn't even like me (at least not for anything but S_X) and I know that (I have needs too) but again why do I care, and further, why do I need to be anything more then I am right now, to find someone who really likes me...what I am waiting for. I can't fulfill hopes and dreams and accomplishments if I am constantly waiting, waiting to be skinny, more secure in myself, financially secure, longer hair, whatever, the list could go on! Why am I waiting for the new year to start my life. Well, it is what I do...I keep putting everything off. My life, I am putting it off for something I think I need to be or do...See SAD....
I know I am not going to change over night but I am ready to make some changes....
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