Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I once lived in a cold, mildew room sleeping on just mattresses while my brother slept on a $1300 bed purchased on my credit and in a room fully redone in white pine. I was forced to weed a garden that wasn't mine and cook for everybody in the house.
I spent my time soul searching in a book that is called Self-Matters by Dr. Phil. This book helped me to put into perspective why I found myself in the current situation. The answer is that I allowed other people to force their unauthentic view of life on me.
I am fighting mightily to live an authentic life currently and it means saying no to all the people that once dictated my life. What I want for me is much different than what others want for me. I have to live for me because ultimately, in the end, there is ME!
I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the happenings of life and people. The most important thing I have spent doing is cultivating who I really am. That deep down core me is someone who loves to be cheerful and find solutions. I am the eternal optimist and I am someone that wants to live an active, healthy life.
I guess I need an assessment of what I need to do, why things are the way they are, etc. at this point. I have been struggling mightily with things at this point. My self-control comes and goes and I feel trapped at this point.
Putting things into writing helps so I hope to find the answers to my questions. I hope to change to be more happy. It is with great certainty that I have been happier in the last 3 years than the rest of my entire life. My size 12 clothes I am currently wearing is an achievement over 5 years in the making. It is not something I have known for long in my adult years. My 112 lbs loss on this 3 year journey is the fight back to my authentic self. What I can do physically now is the result of a lot of exercise done in 3 years.
It is inevitable that something always has to change and to figure out a solution and how to maintain that is the ultimate question!
I must do more soul searching to rectify my issues and continue on my authentic path.