Sunday, January 13, 2013
It took many years for me to develop my self-consciousness about my body. People are so shallow these days, judging people's worth by their physical appearance. I find it is even worse in Quebec than in United States.
When I first started Zumba, these two old ladies immediately starting picking at things about me. First it was my pants that were too long and I could trip on them. Next I would be beautiful if I just lost the excess fat. I was there for a workout to lose size and these two women were belittling me for my size. Then there were sisters that started poking fun of the flab and skin on my arms stating that I should lift weights. I was quick to point out that I was lifting weights.
The first trip to the gym in Montreal was a very embarrassing day back in 2009. Knowing that I had been very active and in great shape in my old gym in 2007 was a hard pill to swallow. The stares from people in shape there and even old women not in shape was ridiculous. One old lady told me I was brave to show up there. Yeah I was brave and determined to turn myself around.
In the apartment building we lived in, the lady below us was very jealous of me. She told me that because of my weight, her shower was leaking as we had the apartment above hers. She poked a broom up on her bathroom ceiling all the time. She visited me daily for 7 months complaining that I was the cause of her bathroom leak. Even after the landlord fixed the problem and showed her the defective part in her shower, I was still to blame. She did $2200 dollars damage keying my car and I lost my insurance. Then she set fire to the building garage where my car was. We finally moved out because what she desired was my husband.
It is funny how so many people come up with the idea that fat people shouldn't be at the gym. Fat people need it the most because they neglected themselves and find the motivation to go back. Their sensitive mentality can be swayed by just the looks and comments of fit people.
Thankfully I am not one of those people, even when I was 348 lbs in 2005, I couldn't be deterred by shallow people. I fought my way through 187 lbs of weight loss and my 1st long term gym membership. The weight loss took me 2 years and I spent 3 years at the gym 8 hrs a week. This time around it took me 3 years to drop 116.6 lbs so far and I am happy I have not been swayed by people's big mouths or their dirty looks.
I am so happy I used my knowledge of my internal power and capability to bring myself back to health again.
I have always held the value that physical appearance should never define you. I have been hurt tremendously by words said from even my immediate family but it never stopped my determination. I have lived in fear of people judging me on my size and still do. When I reach goal weight, I hope to work on discarding this mentality. I know how hard I have worked to get healthy and it is no easy feat losing in the triple digits twice in a lifetime.
It is a societal problem that people target fat individuals as flawed people. People who carry excess weight have improperly coped with issues. It is not funny to target people who have excess weight. The inner self is what truly counts, we must be good people internally. I have always hung on to my inner beauty and capabilities as my self-esteem.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
As the evening approached, I had my mind set on getting in my daily workout. I put on my Zumba gear and put my hair up, filled my glass with water and got my iPod.
During my preparation for elliptical time, the laziness of the day nagged at me saying that I would rather not do the workout. But my "You know better" inner voice is in control.
With 113.8 lbs lost, I have my mind zoomed in to the goal of the year, complete the weight loss. I want to be that healthy woman I was in 2007, the one I longed to be for 5 years now. "I don't feel like it" cannot exist in my vocabulary because excuses do not equal results.
Putting my Zumba clothes on is a motivator for me, I have my game face on after putting the gear on. Zumba is a tough workout and although I am not able to do it right now because of my knees, just wearing the clothes give me a sense of power.
I step on the elliptical and start the music on my iPod. As I meander through the first 3 levels of resistance, I start feeling in my comfort zone. It is never good to feel comfortable in the realm of fitness, a challenge is needed for progress. I thought to myself "I don't feel like going higher on resistance tonight". My "You Know Better" voice kicked in and said "Try level 4". Needless to say I cranked it up to level 6 and at a good pace too!
After 50 minutes on the elliptical, I said " Wow, I feel greaaaaaat." Sometimes you have to ward off those negative thoughts and do what you know will bring results. Challenging yourself will get results, maybe not immediately but in the long run.
If you are looking for quick results, you are doomed for failure. It takes a long time to develop your "know better" voice to be in sync with your actions. It can also take a long time to discover that you should continue to challenge yourself mentally and physically because the voices that may tell you not to do something because you may fail can be stronger that the voices that say do it.
When we keep at something, regardless of difficulty, we discover our self-worth.
As I teeter from ONEderland to 200 and back again, I realize that after one day of working out hard, another needs to follow. I have to get far enough away from 200 lbs to never teeter onto that again. It is my determination and will to do this and I will!
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