Sunday, January 08, 2012
Coming into the world, you encounter "family" and you "should" be loved, endeared, nurtured and built up to be an amazing person. From the very first cry, you wait to be comforted and adored. Family is supposed to love you for who you are and guide you to the best you can be.
I was born into the family of "dysfunctional" and I was not an adored child. As the first born to unwed parents who were still children themselves, I was one of the rebellious acts that defied their parents.
I was supposed to be the key to my parents being able to get married but the reality was much worse. I became the child who was "retarded" because I was my father's daughter, the downfall of my mother's future...All the family imposed negatives fell on me as a result of my parents actions.
Just by being born, I invoked all the negative emotions from family: jealousy, anger, envy....With all the struggles my family faced, I was one of the many.
My parents went on to birth 3 more children and their lives didn't get any easier, neither did mine!
As the oldest of 4 children, I was expected to help my mother with the other 3 children and the chores of maintaining the house. I lost my youth in the independence forced upon me at such an early age and my sense of responsibility was great.
A burden I carried for many years and still battle is excess weight. I had a 2 year period of attending a Weight Loss Center and 3 years at a gym. This point in time was the realization of will power and the vision of the "true me". In this time, I dropped 187 lbs and 74 inches and became the most fit I have ever been.
I was not the embodiment of what I "should be" in my family's eye's, despite the call for action that many so abruptly stated or implied by the fat jokes. I was physically the person I wanted to be but mentally, I wasn't. The issues I dealt with regarding family and many other jealous people including co-workers, lead me back to that unhealthy place I had always known.
My saving grace mentally, which has allowed me to "cope" was many years of Counseling and Reiki. I found people who truly understood me. Pretty sad when your own family doesn't know the "true you" but professionals do.
I am a survivor and I can succeed throughout the worst of situations. I currently have 97.2 lbs off in just over 2 years. The fight is ON again and I am working out those issues that pull me down.