Sunday, February 12, 2012
I'm really sorry that I haven't been around. I really wish that I had more time, but things are really crazy right now. So lets see, whats been new with me?
Well first off, classes are going good so far, but they are really needing alot of my attention. I am taking a Humanities of the Early World class, and he gives us so much work. I'm talking like a two page paper and a list of essay questions for ever class. I also have Statistics that I feel I have to study constantly. So far I have a solid A in that class, and really want to keep it. My other two classes aren't as bad, but do take alot of study time.
As for work, I have quit Burger King. I only worked 5 hours a week so it just seemed pointless to stay there. I was sick of all the childish people and backstabbing anyway. I picked up more hours tutoring at school so that covers the money lost from BK. I am even going to start tutoring a guy one on one every week and he is going to pay me 10 bucks an hour. So most days of the week, I get to school at 8 in the morning and get home around 7 or 8 at night. Doesn't really leave me time to work out, but sometimes during the day if I have an extra few minutes I will take a quick walk through the halls.
Just this week I was asked to become the Secretary for my schools chapter of Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society. So now I hold an office and that will look great on my scholarship applications. I also get the chance to attend the International Leadership Convention for PTK in April. It is for 4 days in Nashville. I can't wait to go. It will push me out of my comfort zone and force me to interact with people that I don't know.
So as you can see, I have alot on my plate right now. I'm really just trying to get through it without loosing my mind! I know it will be worth it in the end.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Today I got an acceptance letter to Truman State University! It was my first pick of schools, and I just can't believe that I got in! I still have a year left at the school that I am in right now, but it just feels so good to know that I have gotten into the one school that I wanted.
I'm just a little emotional about it right now. I never would have thought that I could do this. In high school I didn't care, and barely graduated. I was near the bottom of my class, and all I cared about was drinking and going to parties. Now thirteen years later, I'm almost a straight A student, in the phi theta kappa honor society and a peer tutor.
The thing that I am most proud of is that I have done all of this on my own. I figured out what I wanted and went for it. I did all of the work to get where I am. I have never in my life done something for myself. I'm just really happy right now.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I never realized how much energy it takes to hate a person. My ex boyfriend left me a little over three years ago. I was blindsided when he left. I went to bed the night before after giving him a kiss and saying I love you. he kissed me and said he loved me too. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. All that was left was a note on the computer that he didn't love me and that he met someone else. Along with him he took some of his clothes, and my entire paycheck that I had just cashed the night before. He took most of my DVD's and my digital camera (to pawn). We had been in the middle of planning our wedding at the time. I was devastated. We had been together for 5 years. Even after all of that, I couldn't cry. I would sometimes tear up, but I never let myself really cry it out. Crying was one of the things that he hated, so I would never do it in front of him. After 5 years it was ingrained in me not to cry.
For the first few weeks I followed my mom around all of the time. I just couldn't be alone. I slept on the couch every night for a year and a half after he left, because I couldn't bring myself to sleep alone in our bed. Things turned around though. I got myself together and took a hard look at what I wanted in my life. I'm so much better now. I'm in school working towards the future that I want. I'm taking care of myself in ways that I never did while with him.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Nick and I had gone and seen it in the theater. It all hit me in that moment, and came rushing back, the good and the bad. For the first time in 3 years, I broke down and cried. As I sat sobbing on my couch I thought of all the things that I had lost. Nick was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything. We would laugh and joke and play for hours. I thought most of those nights me and him spent on that couch having an all night movie marathon. Its those times that i missed the most. I thought of the wedding that was half planed but I never got to have. I thought of the things that he had taken from me, like my trust in other people, or my belief in true love. I now have a hatred for weddings and marriage that I never had before. He gave me so many happy memories, yet took so much. I cried for all of it.
After sobbing for about half an hour, I realised that I was smiling while still crying. I was finally letting go of the past. I know now that it is the only way to truly move on. I looked him up on facebook tonight. I wrote him a private message telling him that I forgive him. I told him that I needed closure and that I couldn't move on with my life and still hate him. I also told him thank you. Him leaving was the best thing that he could have done for me.
I don't know if he will ever read the letter, but that's not really the point. Its the fact that i got it out and wrote it down and sent it. its his now to do with as he sees fit. Its off my chest and that is a weight that means more to me to loose than any pound.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
I have figured out one of my biggest problems. When I slip and make a bad food choice, or skip a day at the gym, I think of the day as a total loss, and fall off my plan even worse. Sometimes one day turns into two, and next thing I know its been a week since I've stepped foot in the gym, and I'm hitting the drive thru for every meal. Trying to re-program your brain is hard. I'm just starting to see that its ok to slip. Its not all or nothing. So I slip up and have a candy bar (reese's peanut butter cups are my biggest weakness) that doesn't mean that its over. It just means that I have to get back on track and move on. its unrealistic to think that I will go my whole life without having junk food again. I'm starting to see now, tomorrow is a new day, clean slate, start again.
One other thing I'd like to say is for my friend Sheri. She is fighting for herself so hard right now, and I'm so proud of her for not giving up. Please everyone send out your prayers to this amazing person.
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