MAMAXS4   3,067
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Entry 6 or Food, Glorious Food

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I have been struggling with the food problem so manny of us on Sparkpeople struggle with. I have noticed that it's getting easier...just a little. i am getting tired of struggling. When will it no longer be a struggle?
My food love affair started very young, one of my first memories are of eating, I can't even remember what it was exactly. LOL I think it was baby food. Sometimes I can still taste it, but I have know idea what it is. All I know is it was wonderful.

Whoa!!!! Breakthrough moment!! Could I be associated food with loving feelings from my mother?? My mother would hold be while she fed me baby food most of the time. There's a picture I have where she's holding me while spooning food into my mouth. Oh, my goodness!

My mother never with held food from me..."Sure, sweetie, you can have a third helping of spaghetti....not enough parmesan cheese? Sure you can have more!" "Would you like another pancake?"...."No, mommy, I'm full" "Are you sure?" "Here, sweetie have a banana" There was one morning we were going to go vote for President Reagan on his second term she had given me a hard boiled egg...we got back home and she made me breakfast again! How do I remember something like that? My mom made a big deal out of him, I mean BIG DEAL...just something about that morning.

Even my dad was apart of it....we had orded pizza and little me had eaten seven slices at 7 yrs old! Where they mad!!!? I never hear "No more" "Stop, that's enough, "You can't eat that" "You've had enough" Yes, sometimes I did hear "You've already eaten".

There was this one time my mom was in the hospital, she was there for an entire week. I didn't handle it well. I cried myself to sleep everynight on the couch, I was a huge mommy's girl. I ate like a crazed person. My dad took me somewhere to eat, not even half an hour later my older sister took me out again to eat. I had eaten 2 full meals, I thought I was going to explode. And I was only about 11 at the time. That was about the time I weighed 120 lbs. I remember stepping on the scale and thinking...."wow, that's bad" and just not knowing what to do about it.
When I was about 13 or 14 I found my first diet book. It was geared toward teens. It stated that I could eat 1200- 1300 calories a day. That was the first time I saw what true portion sizes looked like. I lasted only about a week. I had no support, I didn't know that a person had to have 5 servings of fruits and veggies, I didn't know that you could have more than 1 serving of veggies at a time. I thought I really couldn't do it and I gave up.

Well, later on down the road I decided it was time to strikeout on my own. I was 19 at the time and I met this guy who I thought was great. Boy, was I ever wrong!! He was the worst "man" that ever lived. I found myself pregnant and what was this new feeling I was quite uncomfortable...oh,wait I know what that was hunger. I had never truly experienced hunger. This "man" wouldn't work so I was literally starving. I couldn't leave, I was miles from anywhere. I didn't know that someone from a church might could help me, I was completely naive about everything in the world. I went from 180 down to 160 while pregnant and with no activity. That horrible "man" starved me and my baby. I was stressed from that lack of food (love) and lost the baby at 22 weeks. She lived 12 hours. (There is a lot more to that story, but I just can't go into all that mess) I was able to get back to my home with my parents. I'll never forget it, my mother told me I looked like death. I had gone without food (love) far way too long.

Now that I know about the food/love association, what do I do now?


Entry 5

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Well, I borrowed my friends bike. All i can say is I have rubber band legs. I have been walking like crazy, twice a day 5 days a weeks. Walking didn't seem to do it anymore so I decided I needed more of a push so I thought I would get a bike. I couldn't afford it so my friend offered to let me use hers. Well, I hopped on it all gung ho, I only made it for 8 minutes and about 8 blocks. I did go twice and i even got in a walk as well.
I just hope I can do this, I would like to be fit enough that I could bike for 30 min straight. I would really love to be able to run for 5 miles. I can't wait to get to the point where I see a result like biking for 15 minutes straight. or running for 8 minutes straight.
I also wish I was confident enough to quit saying I hope I can do this, or I wish to be able to do that. When will I get to where I wanna be? I just want to be a sz 16 by Christmas. I want to hear someone say "wow, you've lost weight" instead of people whispering about me. I know they do it. They do it about other people. Even my husband is the "evil" "they". He came home one day and said "I saw Sam today, wow has she gained weight" I said so what "No, I mean really gained weight" oh and this is what he said about a friend of mine "her butt looks huge".....if he's saying this about people I know, what is he saying about me??? Wow, did I get off track here. This went from journaling to rant in nothing

Oh, well, I can't wait to see results and good luck to all the people in the same boat as myself.


Entry 4

Monday, September 07, 2009

Well, I fell off the wagon, again. I climbed back on again. I just wonder how many times am I going to go through this back and forth before I have success. I don't mean a huge one, I mean a medium goal of 225? I have been struggling for 9 months to reach 225 and I started at 278. I am still sitting at 240. I have started back walking for about 2 weeks. I use my daughter being at school to go for a walk at 9am for 2 miles or so. When I get a good sports bra I wanted to try a walk run program. I've been lurking around couch to 5k team learning some different things. I know I can do that simple program, I know I can run for 60 sec. I proved that to myself the other day. I ran about half a block without thinking I was going to die. I have gained some fitness ground and for that I'm glad. I just wish I could shed another 15 lbs without feeling like I'm struggling, as in thinking am I going to make it? Can I really do this? I don't want to spend my 30's fat. And I'm coming up on them awfully fast. 30 is around the corner and I want to see it at my goal. I have a small/big goal of a sz 16 by Christmas. That's just 2 sizes. I just wish I had a spouse who believed in me, it's such a downer when I hear "I don't know" as an answer to " Do you think I can do this?". Just once I want to hear "yeah, I think you can do it" . I 'm not asking for enthusiasm, just a little " I think you can get to your goal" instead of eating ice cream in front of me and going "MMmmmmm, Oh,MMMMMmmmm". How cruel can he be? I just want to be a sz 14 again. I know that might not sound small, but I look good at a sz 14. I can't wait to go shopping and slip on a dress and read the tag and have it read sz 14! I can't wait to get there, but I have 80lbs before I get there, ::sigh:: I just hope I don't fall off the wagon again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-STINA- 9/8/2009 3:42AM

    I've been struggling too..I got 18 lbs off and then kind of have been teetering around the same weight for months. I finally had my first loss this week (maybe..I'm waiting another week to see if it really stuck).

I know for sure I haven't been paying as close attention to staying in my ranges every day. I haven't been tracking my food as closely.

I think it's awesome that you're back to walking and I'd encourage you to try to get back on track with eating if you're having the same problem I am with it. I'm trying with baby steps back up to where I was doing really good.

Remember that this is for the long haul and there may be periods of time where you aren't exactly on track and not losing as much. As long as you don't gain back some, I think that is ok (even if you long as you try to reverse that ASAP, you're doing ok). Even the fact that you are thinking about it and that making the right decisions is a consideration in your mind is a good thing - you haven't given up! and each lb. lost is 1 more you'll never have on your body again..even if it's only a small amount of loss in a long time..ya know?

Anyway..stick with it, and just focus on the small things and keep building them up. You can do it! :)

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Entry 3

Monday, June 01, 2009

Everything is going well in the world of mindful eating. I am staying in the lower range of my calories. I'm surprised that I'm starting to like water, I really don't have any trouble getting it in now.
I am worried now though. My hubby's family reunion is June 7th and I was hoping to be in a size 20. Well, I'm in one thing that's a 20 that fits, but.... I was just hoping for more time, it was supposed to have been in August and they bumped it up. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be in a 20 by then, I'll just bump up the cardio and hope. I'm going to do some more cardio tonight when the kids are in bed so heres to hoping!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHERMBR 6/1/2009 7:18PM

    Keep walking and burning those calories. You will get there.

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Entry 2

Monday, June 01, 2009

Well, so far so good on the mindful eating. I am using some of the "cook yourself thin" recipes and well, they're pretty good. I like the take on the egg mcmuffin thing, it's really good and I think it better than a fast food thing. I think I did really well today and stayed at the low end of my calorie range. I went for about a 2 mile walk, it was a little over that but I'm not sure.
Anyway, I really think that mindful eating is entirely possible. I feel it takes some work to do it and I realize I can be an emotional eater and I feel like I have made huge strides in overcoming that. It takes work, hard work in trying to overcome addictions to food. I think if someone has it firmly set in their mind to try to stop the "mindless" eating and realize what's causing them to eat and honestly confront it they can stop it. I'm not saying that I don't have challenges, I'm sure I may hit a road block. I might see oreos at the store and just salivate but I'll have to find the strength to walk away. I'm not going to say I'll never eat cookies again because I'll set myself up for failure, I'm going to say instead that I'll put off the immediate gratification until I know I'm a place where I can handle eating something like that. And I also think that I'm getting to a place where I don't want to put junk in my body. If there's junk in the body it won't run well, it's like trying to run diesel fuel in a gasoline engine, it simply won't work as it should or it won't work AT ALL. So for now, I'm leaving the cookies on the shelf and eating appropriate things to allow my body to run correctly. I also want to add that a recovering alcoholic shouldn't drink beer, so a recovering sugaholic shouldn't have refined sugar. I do not believe a person is addicted to food, a person is addicted to the feeling they get from eating certain foods. I decided to just cut out certain foods so I could recover in a sence. I hope we all can reach the goals we aim for, good luck to you and we can do this!


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