Saturday, October 20, 2012
I was thinking the other day (always scary, I know!) about my life now compared to 2.5 years ago.
How I felt then (horrible, in pain, fat, depressed, withdrawn, angry) is nowhere I ever want to be again. I question myself about why I let myself go down that road. I was so unhappy! I just lived in a bubble of pain and meds and drifted through each day. I did not really live. I wasted a lot of time. Food was my friend and the only one I wanted close.
There was a little spark inside that started quietly whispering about losing weight (again). I googled weight watchers but I didnt want to go to the meetings and plus, it cost a lot of money. I then found Sparkpeople and began my weight loss journey, which as many of you know, becomes so much more than that.
I very quickly saw success and I loved the format of this place. I met some people, I began to blog, I reached out and someone was always there. I have always loved to write so this gave me a safe place to start working out some stuff. Stuff I didnt even realize was going on.
As I came out of my haze, my funk, my self imposed punishment for no reason at all, I started to open up again. I have always been a very optimistic person, love to laugh, love to be around people and they love to be around me. Who I was for that period of time, before SP, was a stranger to my friends and family. My daughters and nieces actually did an intervention about my behavior, that I was not "me" and how sad that made them.
There are times that I think about food in unhealthy ways, when I dont want to go for a walk or do anything but veg out in front of tv, when I want to snack, snack, snack and can't get full. But those are blips, not the steady hum of my new healthier lifestyle.
Is it always a challenge? truthfully, yes, probably. But I am so much better equipped to deal with what comes up now. I can handle it. Yes, I may over eat or say screw it and eat a batch of cookies (mmm, cookies!) but that is ONE DAY, not my entire life!
Not anymore. I KNOW too much to go back. Even if I decided to leave sparkpeople, go back to how I ate, never excercise again, what would be the benefit? I CANNOT ever go back there.
So even if I screw up, no matter how bad, how long or how much weight I regain, I KNOW I will never give up. I will move forward no matter how long it takes and hit my goals. I cannot FORGET what I have learned, who I have met, how much weight I have lost, how good it feels.
That door is slammed shut behind me and there is no going back. It is not so much that I dont want to, it is more that I am no longer that person. I want more. And I know too much to go back. I cannot un-remember all that I have gained. It is part of me, a wonderful part of me. It is who I am now. And who I am going to be.