MAMADWARF   45,857
40,000-49,999 SparkPoints
MAMADWARF's Recent Blog Entries

I know too much

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I was thinking the other day (always scary, I know!) about my life now compared to 2.5 years ago.

How I felt then (horrible, in pain, fat, depressed, withdrawn, angry) is nowhere I ever want to be again. I question myself about why I let myself go down that road. I was so unhappy! I just lived in a bubble of pain and meds and drifted through each day. I did not really live. I wasted a lot of time. Food was my friend and the only one I wanted close.

There was a little spark inside that started quietly whispering about losing weight (again). I googled weight watchers but I didnt want to go to the meetings and plus, it cost a lot of money. I then found Sparkpeople and began my weight loss journey, which as many of you know, becomes so much more than that.

I very quickly saw success and I loved the format of this place. I met some people, I began to blog, I reached out and someone was always there. I have always loved to write so this gave me a safe place to start working out some stuff. Stuff I didnt even realize was going on.

As I came out of my haze, my funk, my self imposed punishment for no reason at all, I started to open up again. I have always been a very optimistic person, love to laugh, love to be around people and they love to be around me. Who I was for that period of time, before SP, was a stranger to my friends and family. My daughters and nieces actually did an intervention about my behavior, that I was not "me" and how sad that made them.

There are times that I think about food in unhealthy ways, when I dont want to go for a walk or do anything but veg out in front of tv, when I want to snack, snack, snack and can't get full. But those are blips, not the steady hum of my new healthier lifestyle.

Is it always a challenge? truthfully, yes, probably. But I am so much better equipped to deal with what comes up now. I can handle it. Yes, I may over eat or say screw it and eat a batch of cookies (mmm, cookies!) but that is ONE DAY, not my entire life!

Not anymore. I KNOW too much to go back. Even if I decided to leave sparkpeople, go back to how I ate, never excercise again, what would be the benefit? I CANNOT ever go back there.

So even if I screw up, no matter how bad, how long or how much weight I regain, I KNOW I will never give up. I will move forward no matter how long it takes and hit my goals. I cannot FORGET what I have learned, who I have met, how much weight I have lost, how good it feels.

That door is slammed shut behind me and there is no going back. It is not so much that I dont want to, it is more that I am no longer that person. I want more. And I know too much to go back. I cannot un-remember all that I have gained. It is part of me, a wonderful part of me. It is who I am now. And who I am going to be.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILIKETOZUMBA 10/26/2012 11:51AM

    This was awesome to read!! Congrats to you! And you perfectly summed up how I feel about the changes I've made too, though I never found quite the right words to describe it like you did. "I know too much." That's EXACTLY it. I know I can never go back to how I was before because I can never unlearn what I have learned about exercise, food, motivation, everything. Thank you so much for articulating this so well!

Report Inappropriate Comment
SHERLYN-WILL 10/25/2012 10:12AM

    WOW.. I could have written this just recently (except for the meds part.. I have never needed those for any pain.. etc)

I recently just went through what you described... and I could have written your beginning description of what it was like for you.

I didn't want anyone around me.. not family.. not friends.. NO ONE... I was existing.. I was not living...

I wish I could blog like you and just get it out there... without worrying about it being so detailed or 'perfect'.... I know that it would help me.. and honestly it might help others.. I know your blogs do help me! TY SO MUCH HUGS!!!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MISHKALA 10/25/2012 9:40AM

    What an amazing, inspriational blog. Every word is so true, and felt by so many of us. It's a life style change, not a diet. And who needs habits that keep us down, anyways? Well said!! emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DOODIE59 10/22/2012 8:32AM

    This is a fantastic blog. It speaks to all of us on this weight loss struggle that we can never give up. There is too much at stake, and health is only part of it. Our real selves are buried beneath.

Thank you

Report Inappropriate Comment
CELLISTA1 10/22/2012 1:23AM

    Hmm, taking stock. Did my "onion" blog get to you? Seriously, we have made so many changes that it would be stupid and totally self-destructive to go back. We don't like it back there. I can't even imagine you as a withdrawn, angry person. How lucky we are to have found our Spark! And our Spark friends.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 10/21/2012 11:27AM

    I clould have written this blog myself. I know that I will NEVER be "that girl" again. I didn't realize HOW unhappy I was until I found myself again on this journey. I'm so glad to be on it with you. *HUGS*

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMIN2GENES 10/20/2012 9:31PM

    Great blog! A big woo hoo to you!

I'm with you all the way... NEVER give up!

Report Inappropriate Comment
REMEMBER2BME 10/20/2012 7:14PM

    Killer blog. I think I still have quite a bit of learning to do but actually, maybe you are right. I do know better. Thank you for making me think.

Hugs to you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
-POOKIE- 10/20/2012 5:35PM

    A good blog and something I'm asking if I may "copy" in a blog of my own similar thought processes?

It really is something we should be grateful to look back on.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISY443 10/20/2012 3:59PM

    Well said! Yay, you!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CANNIE50 10/20/2012 2:21PM

    Beautifully stated, Miss Jan. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAYBELIEVER 10/20/2012 2:19PM

    I want more. Says it all. Congrats!

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRACEISENUF 10/20/2012 1:35PM

    Forgetting the former things...yes, good advice. Reminds me of Isaiah 43. God wants to do a "new work" in all our lives.

I am with ya...NEVER GIVING UP!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Love you Jan!

Report Inappropriate Comment
JACKIE542 10/20/2012 12:52PM

    I love this blog, very well said! Here is to great new habits and moving forward! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Hi sparkies!

I wanted to tell you, I am here.

I have rarely missed a day since march 2010. Sparkpeople has changed my life in many ways, not the least of which is the friends I have made. Not just other members, but friends. The ones I think about daily, worry about, laugh with, get inspired by.

So many wonderful and awesome people in one place is like a smorgasbord of treats one can choose from.

Need some tough love? We got that. Need a warm hug? Not a problem! Need some health or fitness advice? Psshhhh, that's easy.

There is literally nothing I go through that I do not have someone to ask and support me.

If you need something, reach out. Dont wait for a spark friend to ask you. We all have busy lives. I for one, am never to busy for you. Let me know you need me, and baby, I am here.

Sometimes, I miss a blog or don't have much time to spend on spark so I may miss something, so if you need some mama time, PLEASE let me know. And I know you will do that for me when I need you, too.

Its a beautiful thing.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LESLIES537 10/19/2012 4:52PM

    You're the emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
RYDERB 10/19/2012 9:22AM

    I always feel so happy when I pop by your page. Maybe it has something to do with that fabulous picture of your dogs. Our dogs don't care how much we weigh, in their eyes we're perfect. I love this blog. Life holds so many wonderful things, we just have to remember to reach for them.
emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRACEISENUF 10/18/2012 11:38PM

    Friendship is a beautiful thing and I am thankful for yours that is for sure.

Hey Momma...I just got back from seeing my DD in Pismo Beach. DH and I stayed 4 nights and baby girl got to come and stay one...wish she could have stayed the whole time. It was about 90 degrees...I have never seen it so clear and so was sweet! It felt like we were on a tropical island or something...sure didn't feel like overcast Pismo, LOL!


Report Inappropriate Comment
CANNIE50 10/18/2012 10:59PM

    That's my mama-girl! I always enjoy your blogs and I particularly liked this one. I love the reminder to not sit around and wait for support but to ask for it, directly. You are one of the many reasons to love SP because you are SO lovable and loving!

Report Inappropriate Comment
OJIBWEEQUAY 10/18/2012 4:54PM

    emoticon There's a warm hug!!!!!!!!!!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 10/18/2012 2:55PM

    I need a neck rub. I have a stress induced stiff neck that is hurting. LOL Well, you said, "anything"!

Have a great day!


Report Inappropriate Comment
CELLISTA1 10/18/2012 11:58AM

    Strange... just yesterday I was thinking about quitting Spark. I know myself well, and I have made many small and significant changes, but I don't see too much change in my future. What's the one thing that stopped me? Friends. The give and take between us. The connection with people far away. The fascination of following someone's journey. The support. You are right on -- as usual!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISY443 10/18/2012 10:39AM

    Ain't it wonderful that we have such a wonderful extended family in SP! Big hugs, Mama!

Report Inappropriate Comment
RANGERAMPS 10/18/2012 9:57AM

    Support is one of the biggest things that can help you. I'm glad that you and others are here to help those that need it. I want to be able to help people to if I can.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAYBELIEVER 10/18/2012 9:26AM

    You know the reverse is true too! Love reading your blogs and visiting your page and seeing your always wise comments on my stuff. We are doing this!

Report Inappropriate Comment
HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 10/18/2012 9:06AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMIN2GENES 10/18/2012 8:41AM

    Right back atcha! I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes it's hard to find balance and time; but I too will always find it for those who need it.


Report Inappropriate Comment
LOSE4LIFE47 10/18/2012 8:39AM

    emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

sunday (monday) check in #14

Monday, October 15, 2012

Hello everybody!

How was your weekend. Tell me something good!

I went to Monterey with friends and had a great time! We laughed danced, kayaked (which is the first time I went since my lost 50 pounds reward and it was great! Perfect day!

This week is eating well and moving ....what a concept!

What's going on with you?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 10/18/2012 10:51PM

    Yay for kayaking. I love kayaking! I am so happy you had such a wonderful time with your friends (and I had zero doubt that you would have a wonderful time with your friends). I am getting back in the swing of things after being gone for 4 days, and doing my half marathon. I went for a hike this morning, and I ate more like a normal person today, and less like a starving weasel (the past few days). I've missed you. Thanks for your sweet, sweet words on my half-marathon blog. Honestly, I am glad it is behind me. I don't regret one step of it, but I felt EVERY step of it. I feel pretty good now, though - I bounced back quickly which made me very happy.

Report Inappropriate Comment
MUSTANG_SALLY2 10/16/2012 4:18PM

    So exciting! You're my hero. I'm too chicken to kayak, even when i did lose the weight. Ugh.

My sister and I are getting ready for our Christmas cookie decorating party. It's more work than party but we laugh and have fun so why not? (Yes, we freeze them. They are better that way!)


Report Inappropriate Comment
JULIAMOONCHILD 10/16/2012 10:18AM

    What a lovely weekend you had! I am happy for you.

My own weekend was all about care-giving, with a bit of chores thrown in whenever I got a minute or two to address some. The "good" part ..... any chores that get done make me a bit less stressed. Yea!

Now that kayaking had to have burned up some calories and built up some muscle besides, so I bet your next weigh-in is going to be a screaming good one - Right? Better be right ...........We're watching you. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISY443 10/16/2012 8:19AM

    Wonderful weekend. 3 1/2" of rain and we needed it so badly that it all soaked in with no puddles! Now, I just need to teach Daisy dog to wipe her feet before she comes in! Doggy paw prints everywhere! Will get my cardio cleaning the hardwood floors! We slept in between thunder claps most of the day. Love the "snuggle on the couch" days with Daisy dog and Ittel cat.

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAYBELIEVER 10/15/2012 10:13PM

    Way to go! Looks like a lot of fun! What a great bunch of people, especially Barbie there in the center!

Report Inappropriate Comment
REMEMBER2BME 10/15/2012 1:42PM

    I love it. Great job!

Report Inappropriate Comment
KAMAPERRY 10/15/2012 12:21PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
CELLISTA1 10/15/2012 11:59AM

    Look at you, doing your "model" pose. Sounds like a fabulous fun weekend.

My week was filled mostly with delight! My littlest grand-daughter enchants me with the funny things she says - in 2 languages - and my bigger one fascinates me with the way she thinks. I really enjoyed walking her to school every day. I rarely am up that early and I actually liked it. Those two love me - what a concept! I gave my daughter the gift of some rest. She didn't go out of the house for five days, and I'm hoping she gets over the darn mono!

Coming home, my challenge is to get over a cold and start tracking again. I'm glad you did this check-in, because I can commit right here to track my food today and take a little walk.

Have a great week, beautiful Mamadwarf!

Report Inappropriate Comment

OMG SUnday check in #13 (LATE!)

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I totally gapped on sunday check in! You guys are supposed to watch me!!

What should we focus on this week? How about remembering to do what we are committed to?

Like posting sunday check in's.
Like eating in our calorie ranges
Like getting a walk in or a workout
Like Blogging like we promised
Like sending a spark goodie to someone who needs a lift.
Like checking in with our teams
Like cleaning out that closet we said we would do for the last 2 months...

I dont know. Pick something and tell me about it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 10/10/2012 11:30PM

    Get the air conditioner out of the window and put away...


Report Inappropriate Comment
BIGMAMAT 10/10/2012 11:20PM

    emoticon Eating more veggies this week. emoticon emoticon
eating more protein. emoticon emoticon

That's my plan. emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
CELLISTA1 10/10/2012 2:06PM

    This week is different for me. Away from home, away from work, helping out my daughter who is under the weather, helping take care of her two kids. So I made a decision to focus on that. Yes, I can be conscious of eating well and I know I'm getting exercise in, just walking to school and back each day, going up and down stairs, going to the park, etc. etc. - but I choose not to use the trackers or be obsessed or worried about numbers of calories or minutes.

Report Inappropriate Comment
GRACEISENUF 10/10/2012 1:39PM

    I am committing myself to a daily walk...hubby has decided to join me. It was a beautiful one this morning.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CANNIE50 10/10/2012 12:30PM

    I am focusing on getting ready to leave town for three days. Making arrangements for Payton is a complicated affair (my dh works the entire time I am gone). A few people have stepped up to help, though, after my babysitter bailed on me a few days ago emoticon I am going out of town with my best friend, for her birthday, and for our annual tradition of running a half-marathon. I am feeling like this will be the last race of any distance but my approach is to see it for the challenge it is, without putting extra pressure on myself. I haven't done any specific training (though I continue to run short distances a few times a week, along with some other exercising). I am disappointed that I am heavier, but rather than waste energy beating myself up, I am just facing facts. After the half-marathon, I need to re-focus in some simple ways. Shorter, frequent bouts of exercise, less food (esp excess cr@p food), and getting things done around my house and yard. I am feeling appreciative that my life, in general, is less stressful at this point - such a blessing. I am thinking of you, my dear friend. Thanks for your on-going support for us Sparklers. You are a gem.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISY443 10/10/2012 11:22AM

    Mow the leaves!

Report Inappropriate Comment
WILLPARKINSON 10/10/2012 3:44AM

    I vote for cleaning the closet. It's still messy and I really need room for clothes. Wait. You WERE talking about my closet, right?

Report Inappropriate Comment
STRIVER57 10/10/2012 1:45AM

    sunday broke my check-in streak since i didn't take the computer to London and got back after midnight. but had a great day. i've blogged! the kitchen is being painted (repair from the upstairs neighbor's 2 year dishwasher leak) so i can't go out -- hopefully tomorrow i can run!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BAYBELIEVER 10/10/2012 12:49AM

    Getting 3 walks or swims in this week!

Report Inappropriate Comment

Busy Bee

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The last few days have been crazy. 10-12 hour work days, running to one job while frank is at another (we are roofers) and I even drove the dump truck to the dumps today (havent done that in about 5 years! Once I had my knee replaced, one of our guys took over so I dont do it anymore). It is a good problem to have...having too much work. The rest of the month is going to be like this but it's ok. We are making money and making up for how slow this summer was. We are in overdrive. On top of all this extra stuff, I still have my office stuff to do and the billing still to do from our Nationals the last weekend in September so to say I am behind is an understatement.

Then, Thursday, we are going to Monterey for a few days for our friends 50th birthday (the friends from Utah) so that will be fun. I have a LOT to do tomorrow to get ready to leave but I have my cape cleaned and pressed and I will do it!

I have noticed in the last few days when the pressure was on, that I wanted a soda or some sort of pick me up. I didnt get one. Then today, when I kicked ass doing my job, I wanted a treat to reward myself. I didnt get one of those either but it was interesting to me how I felt.

I felt like I DESERVED it. I was stressed so I NEEDED something to get me through. I did a great job so I SHOULD have a treat to reward myself.

What the hell? Am I some sort of dog? A small child? Why do I have so much tied into putting something in my mouth because I did my JOB?

How crazy and complicated are we? I dont know why this hit me so hard NOW, I mean I have been here on spark for 2.5 years and on this earth for 51 years.

I think acknowleding the feelings regarding the urges is going to be half the battle. The other half is going to be not giving into it. Hence the human condition, eh?

If I come up with any other brilliant observations that you guys probably already know, I will make sure to blog about that too.

Hugs and stuff, Jan

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CELLISTA1 10/10/2012 2:10PM

    I identify with this, most definitely. It's a conscious decision/realization that an inappropriate food reward is counter-productive. Being human, though, I am not opposed to a nice, healthy and delicious food reward like fresh berries or a mocha-frappucino-light!

Report Inappropriate Comment
CANNIE50 10/10/2012 12:22PM

    Such an interesting blog, as usual. My experience is that my compulsion to eat completely goes away when I am busy and productive and goes into overdrive when I am procrastinating, or after a particularly stressful event. Good for you for being aware and making a healthier choice. I think THAT is the big key - being willing, and being aware. I go into an auto-pilot mode where I don't really think, I just do (or eat) and that gets me into trouble. I admire your work ethic - you work SO hard. I hope you get some breathing room, too, though. I like when I am steadily busy rather than crazy-busy. Take good care of your busy self, Miss Jan.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DAISY443 10/10/2012 11:24AM

    Why is it we think food is the only way to reward us?? I have two birthday brownies in the freezer calling my name!

Report Inappropriate Comment
STRIVER57 10/10/2012 1:46AM

    good point. i need to try to think about that too.

Report Inappropriate Comment
DIET_FRIEND 10/10/2012 12:45AM

    That is a good reflection. Why are so many of us compulsvie eaters and why do we use food for a reward just for doing our thing? Hmmmm...

Report Inappropriate Comment
LATTELEE 10/10/2012 12:36AM


Report Inappropriate Comment

First Page  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 Last Page