Saturday, October 20, 2012
I was thinking the other day (always scary, I know!) about my life now compared to 2.5 years ago.
How I felt then (horrible, in pain, fat, depressed, withdrawn, angry) is nowhere I ever want to be again. I question myself about why I let myself go down that road. I was so unhappy! I just lived in a bubble of pain and meds and drifted through each day. I did not really live. I wasted a lot of time. Food was my friend and the only one I wanted close.
There was a little spark inside that started quietly whispering about losing weight (again). I googled weight watchers but I didnt want to go to the meetings and plus, it cost a lot of money. I then found Sparkpeople and began my weight loss journey, which as many of you know, becomes so much more than that.
I very quickly saw success and I loved the format of this place. I met some people, I began to blog, I reached out and someone was always there. I have always loved to write so this gave me a safe place to start working out some stuff. Stuff I didnt even realize was going on.
As I came out of my haze, my funk, my self imposed punishment for no reason at all, I started to open up again. I have always been a very optimistic person, love to laugh, love to be around people and they love to be around me. Who I was for that period of time, before SP, was a stranger to my friends and family. My daughters and nieces actually did an intervention about my behavior, that I was not "me" and how sad that made them.
There are times that I think about food in unhealthy ways, when I dont want to go for a walk or do anything but veg out in front of tv, when I want to snack, snack, snack and can't get full. But those are blips, not the steady hum of my new healthier lifestyle.
Is it always a challenge? truthfully, yes, probably. But I am so much better equipped to deal with what comes up now. I can handle it. Yes, I may over eat or say screw it and eat a batch of cookies (mmm, cookies!) but that is ONE DAY, not my entire life!
Not anymore. I KNOW too much to go back. Even if I decided to leave sparkpeople, go back to how I ate, never excercise again, what would be the benefit? I CANNOT ever go back there.
So even if I screw up, no matter how bad, how long or how much weight I regain, I KNOW I will never give up. I will move forward no matter how long it takes and hit my goals. I cannot FORGET what I have learned, who I have met, how much weight I have lost, how good it feels.
That door is slammed shut behind me and there is no going back. It is not so much that I dont want to, it is more that I am no longer that person. I want more. And I know too much to go back. I cannot un-remember all that I have gained. It is part of me, a wonderful part of me. It is who I am now. And who I am going to be.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I wanted to tell you, I am here.
I have rarely missed a day since march 2010. Sparkpeople has changed my life in many ways, not the least of which is the friends I have made. Not just other members, but friends. The ones I think about daily, worry about, laugh with, get inspired by.
So many wonderful and awesome people in one place is like a smorgasbord of treats one can choose from.
Need some tough love? We got that. Need a warm hug? Not a problem! Need some health or fitness advice? Psshhhh, that's easy.
There is literally nothing I go through that I do not have someone to ask and support me.
If you need something, reach out. Dont wait for a spark friend to ask you. We all have busy lives. I for one, am never to busy for you. Let me know you need me, and baby, I am here.
Sometimes, I miss a blog or don't have much time to spend on spark so I may miss something, so if you need some mama time, PLEASE let me know. And I know you will do that for me when I need you, too.
Its a beautiful thing.
Monday, October 15, 2012
How was your weekend. Tell me something good!
I went to Monterey with friends and had a great time! We laughed danced, kayaked (which is the first time I went since my lost 50 pounds reward and it was great! Perfect day!
This week is eating well and moving ....what a concept!
What's going on with you?
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I totally gapped on sunday check in! You guys are supposed to watch me!!
What should we focus on this week? How about remembering to do what we are committed to?
Like posting sunday check in's.
Like eating in our calorie ranges
Like getting a walk in or a workout
Like Blogging like we promised
Like sending a spark goodie to someone who needs a lift.
Like checking in with our teams
Like cleaning out that closet we said we would do for the last 2 months...
I dont know. Pick something and tell me about it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
The last few days have been crazy. 10-12 hour work days, running to one job while frank is at another (we are roofers) and I even drove the dump truck to the dumps today (havent done that in about 5 years! Once I had my knee replaced, one of our guys took over so I dont do it anymore). It is a good problem to have...having too much work. The rest of the month is going to be like this but it's ok. We are making money and making up for how slow this summer was. We are in overdrive. On top of all this extra stuff, I still have my office stuff to do and the billing still to do from our Nationals the last weekend in September so to say I am behind is an understatement.
Then, Thursday, we are going to Monterey for a few days for our friends 50th birthday (the friends from Utah) so that will be fun. I have a LOT to do tomorrow to get ready to leave but I have my cape cleaned and pressed and I will do it!
I have noticed in the last few days when the pressure was on, that I wanted a soda or some sort of pick me up. I didnt get one. Then today, when I kicked ass doing my job, I wanted a treat to reward myself. I didnt get one of those either but it was interesting to me how I felt.
I felt like I DESERVED it. I was stressed so I NEEDED something to get me through. I did a great job so I SHOULD have a treat to reward myself.
What the hell? Am I some sort of dog? A small child? Why do I have so much tied into putting something in my mouth because I did my JOB?
How crazy and complicated are we? I dont know why this hit me so hard NOW, I mean I have been here on spark for 2.5 years and on this earth for 51 years.
I think acknowleding the feelings regarding the urges is going to be half the battle. The other half is going to be not giving into it. Hence the human condition, eh?
If I come up with any other brilliant observations that you guys probably already know, I will make sure to blog about that too.
Hugs and stuff, Jan
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