Thursday, July 26, 2012
I'm tired of doing the same thing and getting the same results. Up one down two, up five down three. I'm tired of being HERE. Its been too long. Waaaay too long.
I'm not going to quit. I will never quit but I have been a bit discouraged. As I told one of my sparkies today, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SKINNY BY NOW!
I am not whining. Oh no, I'm not because you KNOW I hate that!!
But what I did today was change my goal. Instead of having this HUGE starting point and this far away finish line and the same number of pounds lost blinking at me and the fact that it has moved north instead of south, I am starting from where I am right now. It no longer matters to me that I have lost 50, 60 or 70 pounds. I am going to work towards 199 by Dec. 31. Will I make it? I don't know but I will be closer than I am right now.
I'm also gong back to my original motto: Progress not perfection.
Watch me, cheer for me, support me, laugh at me but I'm moving on, starting NOW!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
I am a brat. I am sure you guys are shocked and stunned to hear such a thing.
I know this about myself and I try to fight it. I was just telling one of my sparkies how I had to put my inner brat in time out.
I want what I want when I want it. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Typical brat behavior.
Example: Frank just told me we needed to step up our walk. We are slacking according to him. We dont go as far or as long as we used to.
THEN he said that when we were walking farther, I was doing better at losing weight.
**Truth, we walk about 45 minutes instead of 55-60 minutes but a few weeks ago we were only walking about 30 minutes**
SCREECHING HALT: WHAT DID YOU SAY???? (brat in full effect)
My brain was like HELL NOOOO you did NOT just get involved in my weight loss situation! You know nothing about it!! YOU are not allowed to talk to ME ABOUT THAT!
But I (slightly snippy) said, " Well you know what? The first 3 months I lost weight I wasnt even doing ANY excercise! When we were playing tennis 2-3 days a week, I wasn't losing weight.
When I worked out at the gym for 2 years, 3 and 4 days a week, I only lost 20 pounds. You wanna know why? Because I was still eating whatever I wanted.
So really, it is not about the excercise for me, it is about eating clean, which by the way, I have had a stellar week in that department. ANd you know what? I dont want this to be all about "Let's excercise". I want to simply go for a walk with my dog and my husband. I dont want to feel like I HAVE to do this and that it is work. I want it to be nice. I want it to be stressless. I do not want to feel like I HAVE to do it.
That's when I realized I lost him.Tuned out. Probably about the first sentence. And I realized I cannot explain this to him. Because it doesnt make sense. It is childish, bratty behavior.
But it is how I feel.
I feel like if I look at our (nearly) every night walk as excercise, I wont want to do it.
I am the world's oldest living brat. Ridiculous.
Monday, July 16, 2012
When my dad moved in 2005 from our family home, to my town into an assisted living place, he left behind all his roses. He loved these roses, took care of them, cut them and brought them to ladies at the bank or the local burger joint.
We sold the house and I always regretted not taking at least one of them with us. A year later, my dad died. Then I really regretted it.
I have lamented that for years. Anyway, the house sold to a family who then lost it to forclosure. I went and looked at it and it made me so sad to see the roses not doing well.
On christmas last year, my nephew showed up with 3 of my dad's roses! He went and dug them up and brought one to me and each of my sisters. It meant sooooo much to me and was the best present I think I ever got. The boys planted it for me right that minute.
The rose has never bloomed, never even looked alive. I fed it, watered it, worried about it, got advice about it. Both of my sisters roses bloomed. I was so mad that mine didnt survive. I have been planning on digging it up, moving it somewhere else but you know me, busy, busy, busy so I have just left it alone.
It gets some water once in a while from the sprinkler but I pretty much wrote it off.
One day, hubby and I were getting in the car and he said, "Look at the rose!" And I ran over and saw a beautiful rose! I was so happy! Then I realized it didnt look right and Frank was looking at me funny and I realized it wasnt real. He had put a rose on the bush thinking it would make me happy but I was so upset, I started to cry. He felt horrible! But I was so sad becuase I thought it was a miracle from my dad!
Tonight, Frank walks in and said " Did you see your rose bush?" I was like, oh hell, no, Mr. do not even start with me!
He told me he was dead serious and come look....
So I go outside and sure enough, right from the middle of the dead looking stump, there is long, green, healthy new stalk with a smaller one right below it.
I could not believe it! I was outside with the stupid garage sale all weekend and I didnt even look at it!
Then I got a check in the mail, (just in the nick of time!)
And even though this is stupid, I had a nacho cheese machine that we have had for 20 years, like a professional grade one. It was lost or loaned out almost 2 years ago and we wrote it off. I have been sad about it becuase it was this great peice that was the center of our parties and my kids always loved it.
Anyway, one of my kids friends came today to pick something up from the garage sale and walked in with it, apologizing cause she just found it!!!
Again, I was so happy! Kady and I were joking about it and I said omg, this has been the best day! Im so scared something horrible is going to happen, like IM gonna have a massive heart attack. She goes, "Mom, you had salad for dinner. God isnt going to kill you today and have your last meal be salad. Now, maybe if you had made cookies or brownies, then you would of been a goner for sure, but salad? No. You will be fine." LOL, I love that kid.
Anyway, I am taking the rose as a sign from my dad to never give up, never stop hoping, never quit.
I am taking the check as payment for good services and hard work that we deserve and I will appreciate the timing.
I am taking the Nacho cheese machine as a sign that all good things will come back around (and that I do not need to eat nacho's to celebrate it!).
Today, I ate well and I walked. Today, I did my job. Today, I am hopeful. Today, I appreciate that my dad found a way to tell me he is with me still ( he always said he would try really hard to do that) and Today, I am grateful that God knows what I need, when I need it and even in the small things, he cares.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I wana know...what went right last week, what went wrong, how are you going to keep your streak alive, how are you going to do better, how can we help each other, what have you learned?
I was away in extreme conditions last week and did OK eating, drank too much, got in a little exercise each day, it could have done a LOT better. Yesterday was a complete mess. i said I was going to weigh today but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I will skip it for today and maybe just do my regular weigh in on Thursday. I also normally weigh when I get home but I just feel like this would be a bad idea. And what the heck, you know I make my own rules anyway! I just usually don't break my weird little rules once I do make them but today, I just can't face it.
Things I am doing to move ahead are meal plan, grocery shopping, good meals until i leave next Thursday, exercise and just today, I decided to push myself. I don't usually do that but I am going to do that with exercise this week. It felt good to hit the gym a few days ago and I need to get back to strength training. I like how I felt the next day, a little sore, a little more accomplished. So those are my things.....
What are your things?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Hello everyone, I'm home! Got home at 9:00 to a house full of garage sale stuff. I thought we would be home Thursday and I would have a day in between to deal but I had to jump right in. Got up at 6, and hosted the sale till about 3.
I ate crap all day, doughtnuts, teriyaki bowl, pizza. Whatever was easy, it went in my mouth.
I feel so crappy. Hard to believe I used to eat like that all the time!!!!
Tonight, I made a grocery list and meal plan for the week at least until Thursday when we leave AGAIN to go to medford Oregon for a race.
My pants are tight ( think they have been talking to cellista's pants) and I'm so uncomfortable and I am so afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. But it is Sunday and I will face the damages. Rememeber we agreed to meet on Sundays?
So I will deal with it, and move on.
I will save my musings for tomorrows check in blog.
Get An Email Alert Each Time MAMADWARF Posts