MAMADWARF   43,616
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MAMADWARF's Recent Blog Entries

Im better today. Thanks for worrying about me!

Sunday, May 06, 2012

You know, the past few days, I keep thinking how much I miss my mom. But really, I have a lot of mom's so THANK YOU for being my family right now.

No eye leakage today, Im feeling more stable and I for today, I am ok.

Does it count that I ate 5 homemade chocolate chip cookies for lunch?

I promise to save the day and I am BBQ ribs and have a huge bowl of mixed, fresh veggies to make along side so I am going to come in within my ranges today anyway.

We had distractions at my house this morning so the day Frank and I had planned fell apart.2 guys needed emergency surgery on their races cars. But we are still gonna take Stitchy for a walk after dinner.

Tomorrow I am taking sister 1 and we are driving 4 hours to meet up with sister 2 for lunch, then turning around and coming home. I will be gone all day, driving mostly but a few weeks ago, I really had an overwhelming desire to see my sister so since she lives 6 hours away, we made a plan. It could not have come at a better time.

Im really looking forward to it.

My plan this week is to play tennis tuesday and wednesday, walk the dog each night and leave thursday to go the races in Santa Maria where I will be a mess because Frank is going to race and he hasnt been in a car in 5 years. I will be nervous but he is truly one of the greatest drivers I have ever seen so I know he can handle anything that comes his way. My job is support staff this week. I can do that.

Thanks again, my friends. You really were there for me and I appreciate it. I am gonna be ok.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 5/8/2012 7:27PM

    Hope you enjoyed the visit with your sister! emoticon

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CLOVER2 5/6/2012 9:20PM

    I am very happy that you are feeling better. It does get better and then sad again and then better! It will get easier for you.
The races sound like they are going to be a blast! I can imagine how it would be a bit on the nervy side watching the hubby, but oh so exciting at the same time!
Have good sister time, keep yourself busy and come back to let us know how you are!
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MADEMCHE 5/6/2012 8:59PM

    Glad you are feeling better. You are amazing, and you can do this!

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LISALGB 5/6/2012 8:31PM

    Glad to know you are feeling better. How wonderful to have sisters! I don't have sisters but have an awesome brother.
I hope you have a great week and tell Frank to be safe. (BTW - me and my Frank love car races, we live about 15 minutes from Bristol Motor Speedway)
Sending you lots of hugs!!

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LESLIES537 5/6/2012 7:43PM

    Good to hear you're feeling better. Kinda feel bad now that I wasn't here for ya. You know, you're always welcome to come over and give me a virtual slap in the face and tell me to get w/ it. ;) Hang in there. Eye leakage can be a good thing--you're allowing yourself to feel the emotions and not bottle them up. Good for you.

Lots of love,

Leslie emoticon

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HDHAWK 5/6/2012 7:35PM

    Enjoy the time with your sister tomorrow. Sounds like you have a busy week. Glad you are doing better!

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CANNIE50 5/6/2012 6:13PM

    I am glad you are going to have some sister-time, and a whole day away which helps with perspective, I think. You sound like you are doing so well, I am happy to hear that, my dear. emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 5/6/2012 5:56PM

    Love you. Glad you are feeling better. Hugs

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my delicious breakfast ll

Sunday, May 06, 2012




This is what I had for breakfast. A reduced fat crescent roll, 1/4 peice of pre cooked bacon crumbled on the bottom of it, and 1 large egg ina muffin tin.

Baked it at 350 for about 15 minutes. 140 calories, almost 9 grams of protein. It was easy and really good, although I might brush some butter or spray some on top before I baked it. It got a little crispy which was kinda weird. Now breakfast is ready for the next few days and ready to go!

I'm feeling a little more stable now and I want to thank you for your support over the last few days!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 5/6/2012 4:58PM

    Nothing like a good breakfast to remind us that we can handle whatever comes our way......I have been thinking of you. PS Yes, I work out with men quite a bit. I love it and you know why? They sweat more than I do emoticon and they naturally lift more weights so I don't feel like I have to keep up, I just have to challenge me, and yes, they cheer me on emoticon

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ALICIA214 5/6/2012 12:47PM

 

Looks delicious.

emoticon emoticon

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spilling my guts

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Since I can do nothing else, I am going to release some pain. You are excused from reading this and can tune in again when positive, upbeat Jan is back to regulary scheduled programming. This is raw pain from a Mom who is trying to let go.

As you (may or may not)know, I have 2 daughters. They live at home and are 21 and 26. I am not going to get into all the details but things have deteriorated with my oldest daughter to the point where we had to ask her to leave our home yesterday.

It broke our hearts. I know it was the right thing to do however, that does not make it easier to take. The only thing that got me through the night was telling myself the following things:

It is time for her to grow up
She needs to learn to make it on her own
It is the right thing to do
Maybe it had to happen this way because otherwise, how long would it have gone on?
It is a dark time but in a year, we will look back and be amazed how much better it is because we made this step.
She will step up and take charge of her life.
Maybe I just need to get out of the way.

I woke up so friggin sad this morning.I have been "leaking" all day. Frank took me to breakfast to distract me. I cried over my eggs. He took me to the movies which was good for a few hours. I went and got a massage so I didnt eat 20 brownies. I am trying to take care of myself in positive ways but It feels like a divorce.

It is so weird because even when she spends weekends away or is gone, it doesnt feel GONE like this.

She came by today to get a few things and her attitude helped me feel angry instead of sad which is easier to take.

I am a mom. In every sense of the word. I am damn good at it. I love my kids with everything I am.

But it is time to let go.

And I dont know how.

Some things are to be endured. There is no other option.

I am enduring.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANCY-PANTS 5/9/2012 3:18PM

    emoticon

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FANGFACEKITTY 5/8/2012 10:05PM

    emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/6/2012 7:10PM

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're one tough gal, and I know you didn't make this decision lightly, and I know you'll both come through on the other end having a better understanding of each other and yourselves.

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DAISY443 5/6/2012 7:10PM

    How did I miss this when you posted? I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. I hope that each of you can find peace with the letting go! It is so hard to be young and so hard to be a mom! Many hugs!

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HDHAWK 5/5/2012 7:40PM

    Such a painful situation to be in. I have a hard time doing the thing I know is right in my head, but hurts in my heart when it comes to my kids. When she turns things around she'll realize you did the best thing you could for her. Big hugs to you! emoticon

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TERRYT55 5/5/2012 3:46PM

    Oh, Jan......I can feel the pain you are in. We went through the same thing with our oldest daughter too. It was a very difficult few months but we worked through it and all of us grew up a bit. Today we couldn't be any closer, talking everyday and seeing each other at least weekly.

I know with time everything will be fine but I know how devastated you must be feeling right now.

Take care, Terry emoticon

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BIGMAMAT 5/5/2012 1:09PM

    I'm sorry you are going through this ..... Just know that you are loved and this will pass. hugs. T emoticon

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CANNIE50 5/5/2012 12:57PM

    Oh, sweetie - it is grief and it hurts and the only reason it hurts so much is because there is so much love. Letting go is like pregnancy and giving birth. Pregnancy becomes so uncomfortable that we are willing to go through the pain of labor. Labor becomes so painful we are willing to go through the agony of childbirth. "Pain is the touchstone of growth" - someone taught me that a long time ago and I have found it to be very true. I swear, my relationships with my children (one in particular, as you know) has spurred a LOT of growth, so much that sometimes I think my soul must have stretch marks! You have done your utmost to take wonderful care of your beloved daughters, now is the time to transfer some of that nurturing and caring and caretaking to yourself, and your health. This is tough, and you are tougher. By the way, I do not require you to be positive and cheerful and encouraging and upbeat. No matter your mood, or your struggles, you are precious and lovable Jan. emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 5/5/2012 11:46AM

    Jan, you are right - it probably was time. But it doesn't matter when it happens, for us moms who love and have spent all those years loving and supporting our children, it is like having a big hole ripped right out of you, especially around the heart. I am glad you hubby is helping divert you. You will get through this and you are right, in a year she will probably be thanking you for this kick in the pants.

And, because this is Sparkpeople, just keep on remembering not to fill that hole up with brownies. The hole will fill in, not quickly, but it will and you need to let it fill up with the new memories and experiences that will come, not with brownies or cake pops!

Love you.
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CALIPIDGIOUS 5/5/2012 8:46AM

    My one and only baby girl is 17 and graduating high school next month. That means, next Fall, she is off to college. I swing from dreading it to being excited for her. She had a good cry about a month ago and told me how scared she is. Scared she will screw up, scared she won't know how to 'live' and scared that I won't be there everyday to 'translate the world' for her. I feel your pain.

emoticon emoticon

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SARAWALKS 5/5/2012 8:40AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Be good to yourself!
emoticon

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OJIBWEEQUAY 5/5/2012 7:49AM

    Hugs!!!

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STRIVER57 5/5/2012 1:41AM

    emoticon emoticon

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AAAACK 5/5/2012 1:34AM

    What if you don't think of it as letting go, so much as launching her on a path? Like those little hot wheels racers, they're useless just sitting there. They don't move on their own, so you have to give them a shove to make them work. And then they're so cool. They do little loop de loops and can just zip along. Sure, sometimes they jump the track, but they are really sturdy, they can take it.

I hope you find peace with it somehow.

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COOKINGGRANNY 5/5/2012 1:01AM

  Letting go is so difficult. My children are all either 50 or close to it and I would bring them back home in a minute if they would let me. All except one left home once they graduated as they had to go away for further education. It was the hardest thing I ever did was to send them off to the city where they really didn't know anyone but they are all now very independent people with families of their own. It is the right thing to do. emoticon emoticon

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CLOVER2 5/5/2012 12:42AM

    One of the hardest things we have to do as mothers is to JUST let go. We want to kiss the booboos and make them better, this doesn't matter if they are 4 or 40. I hate so much when I have to look at either one of my children (40 and 34) and say, "No, I can't help you out of, (name situation here), but please know that I love you more than anything in the world and always will. "
You will be all right, you will cry, you will rant and rave, you will feel guilty and you will feel like the worst parent on the planet, but you will be OK! You ARE doing the right thing. Sometimes keeping them in a cocoon is the worst thing we can do for them, we aren't doing them any favors by continuing to do this.
You have my emotional support, remember when it gets very hard that it is the right place for her to be right now, and she'll thank you....someday.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/5/2012 12:44:26 AM

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BECKYB73 5/5/2012 12:39AM

    I'll never really be able to relate to how you're feeling as I'm not, nor will I ever be a Mom. But what I can say as a daughter, is that if I knew my mama was hurting as much as you are I sure would feel sorry for doing whatever I did to hurt you.

I was estranged from my mom for a time and now that we've reconciled and our relationship is very strong, I really regret all the things I did or said to make her cry.

I guess my point is, I can understand why you're hurting and I know it may not seem like it right this second, but in time things will get better. For now though, emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/5/2012 12:41:17 AM

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MELLYBEANS0919 5/5/2012 12:34AM

    emoticon

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CATS_MEOW_0911 5/5/2012 12:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Blog Ho

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I have been a blog ho for over 2 years, since joining spark. I used to read them to get inspired and motivated because I didn't know I could this. I didn't know I had it in me. I NEEDED the success of everyone else to show me it was possible, that I was not alone.

I made friends. I got inspired. I was motivated, amazed, blown away, encouraged and given hope. Now, as I continue on, when I read a blog , I also read others comments. You guys are brilliant, loving, hilarious and above all, supportive. When I run across a snotty comment I am almost always shocked. 99% of you are the best people I have ever been honored to know.

You complete me. I was and still am, a blog ho. Keep 'em coming.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONBIRD 5/3/2012 2:21PM

    LOL I love blogs too! I am trying to make sure I write regularly, because it's cathartic for me.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 5/2/2012 10:15PM

    *liked*

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JITZUROE 5/2/2012 5:46PM

    Ho ho ho!!! Wait, that didn't come out right!
I am one too! We need a team for this!!!
Cannie nudged me to blog last year, and that was it baby!
I am now not only a coffee mug and lamp ho, but also a blogging one!!!
Bren

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CANNIE50 5/2/2012 5:11PM

    Hey, that could be a new SP team and you can be the captain, naturally, and I can be a member - a proud member. I, too, am shocked by the occasional nasty comment but it doesn't happen too often. So, from one blog ho to the head blog ho, ho on, honey. emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 5/2/2012 2:23PM

    CALLIKIA - Haha I thought of Bollywood music right away too!

Love your blogs! Keep at it!

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CELLISTA1 5/2/2012 12:23PM

    You are SO silly and so honest -- at the same time! How do you do that?

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CALLIKIA 5/2/2012 12:18PM

    Blog ho! (I keep hearing some music from some movie that won some award but it's in another language and I can't place it...and now you're absolutely sure I'm completely crazy...)

Blog hooooooo!
Blog hoooooooooo!

(It's like Bollywood type music...dangit!)

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SARAWALKS 5/2/2012 9:32AM

    Hee hee, way to go blog ho! I can't say that I deserve that title yet there are certain bloggers that I just HAVE TO read and I must say you are one! So maybe you are more inspiring than you think! emoticon

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BMW9295 5/2/2012 9:05AM

    Keep them coming... I have only been here about a week and I find all that you say is true..... I look forward to hearing more from you.

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BAYBELIEVER 5/2/2012 8:53AM

    Love it! The only kind of ho to be is a Sparkpeople Ho!

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HGSGUY 5/2/2012 8:47AM

    Blog on blog queen!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/2/2012 7:33AM

    AMEN!

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DAISY443 5/2/2012 4:49AM

    That is the wonderful thing about this site-you have said it!

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TERRYT55 5/2/2012 12:39AM

    I love your blog......it is so true and I feel the same way! I am always amazed that I almost never come across snotty comments on Spark People......what a great place to belong!

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my delicious breakfast

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

I have been trying to eat better breakfast so this morning, I made this.....


Breakfast quesadilla. Next time, I will add spinach and onions and maybe bell peppers.
It was 265 calories and took me 3 minutes. It would also be easy to eat in the car or reheat once you got to work

1 flour tortilla
1/2 cup of eggbeaters
2 tablespoons of crumbled turkey bacon
1/8 cup of shredded reduced fat cheese

Cook the eggs, add the bacon bits. In another pan, put the tortilla in it, sprinkle with the cheese, add the egg mixture on one side and fold in half. Cook on both sides till golden brown and a bit crispy.

Calories 265
Carbs 25
Fat 7
Protein 20

There are a million variations of this and I'm sure you could lower the calories by using a better tortilla etc. The tortilla I used was 130 calories.

Have a good day. I'm going to!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLAIREINPARIS 5/2/2012 12:44PM

    It looks delicious!

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CELLISTA1 5/2/2012 12:27PM

    I make quesadillas with corn tortillas, ham, goat cheese, and mango salsa.
Or egg & spinach.
I'm about to have one for breakfast!


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OJIBWEEQUAY 5/1/2012 11:11PM

    YUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RSANDBERG 5/1/2012 6:28PM

    OK, that looks fabulous and soooo filling!
Thank you.

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BIGMAMAT 5/1/2012 6:13PM

    sounds yummmy! emoticon

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MUSICALLYMINDED 5/1/2012 4:52PM

    MMMMM!!!

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LESLIES537 5/1/2012 4:15PM

    Excellent idea!! I'll have to try that, too!! Thanks for sharing your awesomeness with us! emoticon emoticon

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DAISY443 5/1/2012 3:59PM

    Yum, yum, yum!

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HEALTHYBARB1 5/1/2012 2:16PM

    Looks yummy!! Enjoy.

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CANNIE50 5/1/2012 1:30PM

    emoticon yum!

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MELLYBEANS0919 5/1/2012 1:20PM

    That looks very good.

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JITZUROE 5/1/2012 1:12PM

    You got me at the word back, even if it was only tuekey! Sounds delicious!
Good for you!
This sooooooo beats a protein bAr, eh?
I love it when I actually ENJOY the healthy food I am eating...
Bren

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BAYBELIEVER 5/1/2012 12:25PM

    Yum. Yum. You are on your way to a great day!

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BMW9295 5/1/2012 11:51AM

    AWESOME.... sounds great. I am not sure if you are watching your carbs... but Walmart has started to carry a new tortilla... it is made by "ole" oh my goodness... they are wonderful... for the 8 inch
71 calories
2 fat
17 carbs but then 12 fiber
220 sodium
no cholesterol
8 protein

I love them as I am a diabetic and so the carb thing is really important for me.
Thanks so much for sharing your recipe. I look forward to more.


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ANISSA331 5/1/2012 11:48AM

    looks soo yummy!!

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