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MAMADWARF's Recent Blog Entries

the long and short of it

Friday, April 20, 2012

I know I haven't blogged much lately. I guess I feel like if I can't encourage anyone, i dont want to write. But summer is coming and I pulled the shorts out yesterday.

First let me say last summer I bought 2 pairs of shorts. Size 20 (from 26]. I wore them all summer. I refused to buy more because THIS summer I knew I was gonna be in 18 [ or smaller] and I didn't want to waste money. During the winter, I bought 2 pairs of size 18 jeans which was thrilling. I have worn them all winter.

Anyway, I put my shorts on yesterday expecting them to be wayyy big or perhaps even fall off! Um, no. They still fit. Meh. So I guess I will be happy that they aren't too tight because I am still bouncing between the same 10 pounds I have been in since July.

I am happy to report that I have lost my vacation weight so I am back to needing to get those same 10 pounds off and THEN get out of the dreaded 220 's once and for all.

Graceisenuf asked what everyone's "word" is. Mine is determined. I mean it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 4/23/2012 10:45PM

    Um. I miss your blogs. YOU inspire me. love you. T

Comment edited on: 4/23/2012 10:46:29 PM

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CANNIE50 4/21/2012 12:40AM

    Determined is a good word and an even better attitude. I need some determination myself. Maybe I can borrow a cup of yours? Anyway, I am glad those shorts fit - think where we could be......we just start right here, right where we are, right now, on our quest to get stronger and fitter. emoticon

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 4/20/2012 9:17PM

    That's a great word! I know you must be crazy about those same 10 pounds. But think about this... Have you been living your life? Have you been enjoying your food and activities? You've been on vacation every other week, lol, and you're still bouncing around the same 10 pounds. To me, THAT's success! To have been out of town, this going on, that going on, and maybe not making the best food choices... sounds like you've got this! I know you haven't been losing, but I also know you KNOW HOW. Maybe you just needed some time to be HERE for a while. You'll get to your goal, I have NO doubt! *HUGS* You're the best!

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BAYBELIEVER 4/20/2012 7:31PM

    Good for you! DETERMINED!


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STRIVER57 4/20/2012 5:11PM

    what daisy said! emoticon

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TEMPENATIVE 4/20/2012 3:38PM

    great word-mine too! glad the shorts still fit emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 4/20/2012 3:00PM

    Good word!

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/20/2012 1:00PM

    Woo!!

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CELLISTA1 4/20/2012 12:46PM

    Always in your corner!
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MAIA2011 4/20/2012 12:33PM

    You can do this, sexy thang!

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JITZUROE 4/20/2012 12:22PM

    I'm happy they fit though and you did not need up pull out the larger ones!!! You're doing so great, you really are.
Attitude is everything, and I am so glad to see your great attitude sparkling through on this blog. I missed your blogs!

I'll bet you will treat those shorts like a starting point for this summer; as in shorts to wear right now, but come September they will be big on you!

Ugh, you just reminded me that it is going to be warm out here this weekend. Boo! : )

Bren

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TREASURINGLIFE 4/20/2012 11:16AM

    Hey - you are the only one out there who can encourage others. We can too. So when you're struggling and needing encouragement - COME TELL US! We're here for you!! :)

Have a happy day!

- Michelle

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GRACEISENUF 4/20/2012 11:02AM

    You are going to do it because you are like me once you get "determined" those ten pounds don't stand a chance.

Put on the shorts and strut your stuff Momma! :)

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DAISY443 4/20/2012 10:57AM

    I want to hear about you! Often! Our turn to encourage you, let us do it! OK, so the shorts still fit, BUT you are stronger and healthier than a year ago and that's what really matters. The weight will happen!

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When I was a kid (stolen from NATF)

Sunday, April 08, 2012

1. My parents told me…That the most important thing a father could do for his children was to love their mother. (Boy did he! And I married a guy who loves his kids mom, too!)

2. I wanted to grow up to be a....Puppeteer for Jim Henson's muppets. I was scared and never pursued it. It seemed like too big of a dream

3. I refused to eat…spinach. But I like now if it is something like sauce or dip or salad but not just creamed or by itself.

4. My favorite thing to do outside was…. Ride my horse. My sister and I had 4 friends and we all had horses. we were half a dozen of the biggest bundle of trouble and man, did he have fun!!!! (still best friends with one of the girls since were 9 years old!)

5. I broke my…ribs falling off my horse and broke my ankle riding another horse.

6. I liked to wear…ditto brand jeans (cause they made my butt look good), bikini tops underneath overalls and I liked to wear my hair feathered like Farrah Fawcett. (ok you guys, this was the 70's!)

7. My parents always…loved each other and were not afraid to show it. They took "naps" on saturdays and we understood that their relationship came first. I think that was really important. They also had friends over all the time, especially in the summer and I thought it was soo cool to have friends who would come spend the weekend with you even when you were grown up!

8. I thought that Santa was…real. I didnt believe for a long time but when I was 25, I met the real santa in a KMART. He looked right at me, smiled and said, "I remember you". I broke down crying because I knew he really did. I still tear up when I think about it!

9. My favorite cartoon was...Coyote and roadrunner. Man, that never got old and ACME? Come on, what a fantastic company!!

10. I was the…funny one. Also, I was the cute one. I was also the crazy one. hmmmmmmmm, somethings never change! HA!

11. I got in trouble when…I cut school which was ALL THE TIME!!!!!

12. My bedroom was…no big deal.

13. My favorite food was…anything my mom made but especially her tamale pie...OMG!


14. My parents always made me…cook and clean. My mom and dad both worked so by the time I was 12, my sister and I did all of it. I do not remember feeling resentful. It was just up to us to do our part. Plus we didnt want to wait to eat for an hour after my mom got home.

15. My first crush was… Clark Gable as Rhett Butler and Gordon MacCrae who was Curly from the Original OKLAHOMA movie...sigh....

16. My favorite toy was…my horse!

17. I thought school was…pure torture and since I knew everything already, why did I have to go?????

18. My biggest fear was…something happening to someone in my family. Well, that came true. And I survived.

19. My favorite story was…family stories of when so and so met or when my mom and aunt went out one night, or when my dad came back from the navy and stole my mom away from her fiance or the hometown they grew up (where I still go to visit).

20. My favorite memories…After I grew up, going back to my mom and dad's house for a BBQ or a party or christmas. Walking in the door and seeing my mom's smile or my dad's excitement over us being there. Eating a bunch of food and the crazy, loud noise and laughter. Having a pool party with friends, dogs and family. Christmas presents that went on for hours and of course, that "one last present" which was always outside like a bike or a drum set or something so fabulous for someone. It was the laughter, the tears, laughing at each other because we were crying over a card, teasing, bickering, the gossiping and sideways looks when someone brought a new girl into the family and we knew she wouldnt last, cooing over a new baby or a new puppy. God, just surrounded by warmth and love and family and complete acceptance. It made me who I am today and I try to recreate that all the time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/14/2012 11:07PM

    Okay, that Santa story grabbed my heart. This was such a fun blog to read. So, you were raised with love, filled with love, and now you exude love - funny how that works.

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LISALGB 4/14/2012 10:12PM

    emoticon emoticon

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CELLISTA1 4/11/2012 3:28AM

    This totally explains YOU. We are all a product of our upbringing. Don't you wish everyone understood that and raised their kids with that understanding in mind? It doesn't mean overindulging kids, it means the right combination of structure and independence and lots of love --- just like you had. I had parents who loved me but I was a lonely child who found refuge in music and books. I longed for a big, warm, lively family like yours.

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SMAYMAY 4/11/2012 2:51AM

    WAAHHHHHHH JAN THIS IS SUCH A WONDERFUL BLOG.... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING!!!!!

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MAIA2011 4/11/2012 12:24AM

    I do love the SparkConfessions blogs. Thanks for sharing and from a smarty to a smarty, school just isn't made for people like us!

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JITZUROE 4/10/2012 7:31PM

    Now THIS is a blog chocked full of special memories......
Wonderful!
Bre
n

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BAYBELIEVER 4/9/2012 10:04PM

    Awesome Jan! Thanks for sharing!!

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DAISY443 4/9/2012 5:54AM

    Great blog! Thanks!

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SWEDE_SU 4/9/2012 3:53AM

    you are so lucky - what wonderful memories!

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STRIVER57 4/9/2012 3:48AM

    sounds like a wonderful family and a wonderful childhood. how great for your daughters!

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LUCINDARW 4/8/2012 11:54PM

    Sounds like you had a great childhood. Thanks for the heart warming blog. Lucinda

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DONNACFIT 4/8/2012 11:40PM

    Great blog..I wish I'd had your childhood!! Mine not so happy...

Have a great Easter...

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CALIKIKI 4/8/2012 11:01PM

    So nice to learn a little more!

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/8/2012 8:00PM

    Aw that was so fun to read. Thanks for posting.

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GRACEISENUF 4/8/2012 7:57PM

    Thank you for sharing all of this...touched my heart Jan. Hey...I remember ditto jeans...that was something I had completely forgotten and you are right they made my butt look great too! lol

All laughing aside... love it what really counts in the end isn't it?



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HEALTHYASHLEY 4/8/2012 7:54PM

    I always loved horses too! Thank you for sharing.

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JUDYAMK 4/8/2012 7:48PM

    wow what a beautiful story!!!!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/8/2012 7:27PM

    Your Santa story made me cry! Soo sweet!

Great memories!

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Good days

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Yesterday was the day to meet incredible people. I met Cannie and Jitzuroe (see previous blog) which was awesome. Cannie is such a sweet, loving mom and has had her share of challenges.Bren struggles with a very painful physical ailment yet has a smile on her face and open ears to listen to an 8 year old extole the virtues of WWE wrestling. It was just so special to be in the same room together. Truly.

Then I came home and we went to a pizza fundraiser for an ex classmate of Frank's. He had throat cancer 2 years ago. He told me his story with a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face. It is the look of someone who has stared death in the eye and came out on top. It is the face of someone who appreciates his life, every day.

He had a friend there who walked in. He looked in really good shape but was walking funny and the guys all started teasing him about being sore. Apparantly he had run 50 miles that day!!! 50 MILES!!!!! So I asked him, why did you run 50 miles? He said this was an annual run and in fact was part of his training for his 100 mile run coming up in August through the mountains near us. What?? 100 miles???? I was completly blown away and I quizzed him for about 10 minutes. You know what? He likes to run and marathons bore him because he likes to run in the mountains and in nature so he used this 50 miler to test out his food and drink regime for the 100 miler. He is also going to run 24 hours straight as a fundraiser for the guy with cancer.

I was in the prescense of greatness and I kept thinking about our SANDIEGOJOHN and the running he does and his generous spirit.

Then we sat with a retired cop from our community. He was in his early 50's and just was a really nice guy and the guys all talked about way back when as a friend from 8th grade walked in. Frank was so stunned to see this guy and it was so cute seeing them catch up. The cop then showed me pictures of his 1972 dodge challenger (um hello.....my first car was a 1971 challenger and it is my dream car and I really want one, not to mention the brand new one they remade and did an excellent job on!!) so I was totally drooling over it.

It was such a good day. I started out surrounded by excellent women, ended surrounded by excellent men, I got to eat pizza and I came home to my dog and had a good night sleep. If I hadnt woke up today, I would have wanted everyone to know that I had a good day. And I am happy.

When I get low and stressed out and bitchy and sugar addicted and complainy and whiny, I am going to remember yesterday as a good day. Not the best day I ever had, but a truly good day. And I am going to be happy with that. Not every day will be fireworks and diamonds but sunshine and sandwiches are pretty good too.

The good days are the simple ones.

Today is a good day, too. Frank and I went for a walk, had homemade soup for lunch, washed our trailer, I cleaned up the cake pop mania mess, the kids are gone, he is asleep on the couch and I am quietly typing away. No tv.NO drama. No noise. No work. Just peace.

Didnt I just ask for some of that? I am thankful to get what I asked for. I really needed to regenerate and I am doing that. Hope you all enjoyed your weekend and got some of what you were needing too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/14/2012 11:16PM

    Aw, thanks doll. I have very fond memories from that road trip. It seems funny to say "meeting you" since it did not feel that way to me, it felt more like a reunion and it was such a great part of the trip and you both were so very sweet with Payton (and so generous, you cake popper you). You have such a big heart and a person would have to be seriously out-of-it not to know that within the first moment of meeting you (actually, I am guessing everyone who meets you does know that immediately). I, too, am fascinated by ultra-runners - they usually admit that a person has to be a little crazy to run 50 or 100 miles, but it is a good kind of crazy, I think. We humans need to know how much we can take, what we are made of, and running reveals that pretty quickly. Of course, other things reveal that as well, but running is one of the simpler ways to figure things out. Oh dear, I think I am blathering at this point. I am so happy to hear you were having one of those quiet, peaceful days that I find very delicious and oh-so-necessary.

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DAISY443 4/9/2012 5:57AM

    Shhhh, don't bother Mama, she is having a perfect day! Nice!

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SWEDE_SU 4/9/2012 5:10AM

    sounds like a wonderful day, and we readers get to feel it too! emoticon

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STRIVER57 4/9/2012 3:36AM

    sounds like 2 lovely days!

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TEMPENATIVE 4/9/2012 12:34AM

    so nice. just reading about your day made me feel happy. such a blessed life!

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CALIKIKI 4/8/2012 10:51PM

    Sounds like it was a vwey good weekend!

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RUNNER12COM 4/8/2012 8:44PM

    Oh, my gosh. I am behind in my blog reading, and to see my name mentioned in the same blog as those wonderful people? Well, it's pretty darn amazing, that's all I'll say about that.

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GRACEISENUF 4/8/2012 8:18PM

    emoticon

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/8/2012 8:03PM

    That does sound like a good day, glad you had one :-)

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HEALTHYASHLEY 4/8/2012 7:57PM

    Glad you are getting some time to relax.

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BIGMAMAT 4/8/2012 7:19PM

    Awwww. peace. sounds sooooo goood. big hugs . T emoticon

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Cannie, Jitzuroe, and Me. (pics)

Sunday, April 08, 2012

I met up with 2 of my favorite sparkies yesterday. Cannie was here in California at the end of her 2 week-several-state- tour with her son, Payton.

Man, it was like coming home, being face to face with these 2. I was soooo sad when I drove away yesterday. I am thankful for spark that I have met so many incredible people here and that we have an easy way to stay in touch.

Without further ado, here are the pictures...




There is also a picture of Bren's hubby, Randy who drove her to meet us.Do you love Cannie's "mom" look at Payton? lol....

If you get a chance, go meet a sparky. Seriously. It was awesome. Wish we had about 2 more days to talk but 2 hours was worth it. I will take it. Anytime.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 4/19/2012 2:58PM

    I Love this!!!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 4/19/2012 2:40PM

    great!!!!!!!! i want to meet so many!

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CANNIE50 4/11/2012 4:46PM

    Oh, lordy, you really did capture my mama look. Imagine how many times (per day, per hour) I give that look to Payton. He's a sweetie pie but, as you could see and hear for yourself, he is a whole lotta boy. It was so fun to spend time with you and Bren. I, too, wish we had had more time but the hours we had were so much fun that I am not complaining. I arrived in Eugene Oregon at midnight that night - along the way we saw Mt Shasta and Lake Shasta and they were spectacularly gorgeous. Payton slept quite a bit and was such a good road trip companion. I will be seeing you when you head my direction.....

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JITZUROE 4/10/2012 7:32PM

    Awwwwwwwww, seriously, that was one of the best days I have had this year so far. Wahoo for that!!!
Bren

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GRACEISENUF 4/8/2012 8:20PM

    How fun that you got to meet up, hope I get to meet you one day Jan.

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/8/2012 8:05PM

    Wonderful you could meet friends from here! I hope somebody I can, I've met some amazing people.

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CATS_MEOW_0911 4/8/2012 7:29PM

    Oh jealous! What a great-lookin' bunch of SparkPeeps!

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DAISY443 4/8/2012 6:53PM

    How special!

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BIGMAMAT 4/8/2012 6:43PM

    Yay! These make me happy!!! emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 4/8/2012 6:33PM

    Glad you had fun!

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jelly beans and belly jeans

Saturday, April 07, 2012

I have had a super stressful week. I am not normally a complainer so I won't go into detail but there is work stuff, just life stuff, grown adult kids stuff and pet stuff.

I have tried to keep it together and not let the stress get to me but by late afternoon, I want to explode. Talking about upsetting things does not make me feel better. It actually fuels the anxiety and anger. I dont know when this happened because I used to want to talk about everything and now I don't want to talk about ANYTHING! I think it was when my mom died in 1994 and I shut down. I don't think I have truly opened back up since then.

Guess it is my natural denial tendencies. How is that working for me? Eh, not that well. I am taking it out on the jelly beans which have been in my house for cake balls/Easter stuff we have been selling. The girls are making them to go their boyfriends family on Sunday. I am not doing any Easter things this year. No church, no family events, no Easter baskets, no candy. I just don't want to. I just don't.

The jelly beans are gone now but the belly over my jeans is not. I have gained 3 pounds, again, putting me in the 230 range I can't seem to bust out of. I just read a message board post about self sabatage. I guess that is what is happening but why? I need to figure that out. I say I want to lose the weight. I track, I mix up my exercise, I drink the water, I say tuned in to spark. Then what, I eat a bunch of candy? That is so crazy!

The things that are bothering me are coming to a head. Nothing that is going to kill me but things that will definatly make me sad so I gotta get grounded and I need to be able to cope in a more productive manner.

I asked myself as I was eating candy last night, "why are you punishing yourself with this?" I had no answer but I need to figure it out.

On a bright note, cause I always gotta end on one dont I? I am gonna be ready to go meet cannie and jitzueroe and I can't wait! So looking forward to it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 4/14/2012 11:24PM

    It makes so much sense to me that profound grief changed something so basic about you. I can relate to that. It seems like it rearranges our heart, or something. I am catching up on blogs, so clearly my comment is late but I am hoping that some of the stuff that was weighing on you, has lightened up a bit, or been resolved. I am even more grateful for you going out of your way to come visit, and to be so generous with Easter treats for Payton and I. You are such a sweetie pie.

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DIFROMWYOMING 4/8/2012 12:44PM

    emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 4/8/2012 12:18PM

    Jan-Hate to say it, but I know exactly how you feel. I am home from my business trip and hoped it would help me have the time I wanted to be a hermit. But it didn't and I still feel that way today. Here's hoping both of us can have a better week this week! I mean, after all, Easter is all about rebirth right?!?
Hugs and
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CELLISTA1 4/8/2012 2:16AM

    Strangely, I also put some stuff in my mouth that I shouldn't have... in a situation that on the surface seemed all good, but obviously underneath there was a kind of free-floating anxiety that disconnected the circuit that goes to the wise woman who understands all and keeps things in perspective and makes good food choices. It's so unfair!

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NOTABOUTHEFACE 4/7/2012 6:19PM

    Sorry you're having a statue week...here's hoping you'll go from being the statue to the bird very soon! Hang in there nugget!

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DAISY443 4/7/2012 2:22PM

    HUGS!!

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COLUMBINE2 4/7/2012 1:23PM

    I'm sorry that your world is ganging up on you all at once.

Could you prioritize the Most Important Things & eliminate (or at least demote) the less important things so as to relieve some stress? Or identify the items over which you actually have control & concentrate on those? Medical resources say that stress causes our bodies to produce certain hormones which prevent weight loss. But more importantly, stress makes us ill. Definitely not an asset! Your body's warning light may be blinking.

Maybe a friend or a even a couple of hours w/ a professional could help you sort through & identify priorities and make a plan. As you say, "talking about it" without making forward progress to fix it just makes a person angry and worsens the problem.

You are a strong, capable person & there's no doubt you'll figure it out...NO Doubt!!! Hang in there!! We're right here ...knowing you'll successful jump this hurdle!


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JITZUROE 4/7/2012 1:04PM

    The things that are bothering me are coming to a head-
Perhaps this should be re-worded to read that the things that are bothering me (and I am speaking of myself personally), are coming FROM my head. How I have been choosing to deal with my pain (emotional and physical), is by eating junk. Too much junk. But I didn't want to really talk bout it. I was so tired of all the chaos that is me. Ugh!
I think, I hope hope hope that this season has passed for us, since I am ready to get on to much better and more positive things!
Let's do this!
Bren

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MELLYBEANS0919 4/7/2012 1:00PM

    emoticon Sorry you are dealing with some crummy circumstances at the moment. I too can easily eat my emotions. Nothing wrong with not doing the Easter thing. I don't know who those 2 people are, but you sound excited, so enjoy meeting em!


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HEALTHYASHLEY 4/7/2012 12:51PM

    I take it out on candy and baked goods too. I feel your pain. We aren't doing anything for Easter either for the same reason. I really just don't want to so only my brother is coming over for a normal dinner tonight. He didn't want to do Easter either. I don't know why we just have no interest. Holidays seem so unimportant with all the BS we have going on lately. Hugs, I get it.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 4/7/2012 12:10PM

    I'm sorry you've got all this swimming around you. I'm sending big hugs and lots of love from the east coast. Hang in there Jan *HUGS*

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GAELENEC 4/7/2012 11:58AM

    Oh hon.... been there, and now I sell the tshirts.

hang in there, wish I had words of wisdom, but all I can offer you is caring and an ear for you!

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GRACEISENUF 4/7/2012 11:39AM

    Sorry to hear you have had such a "sucky week". I hope today meeting up with spark friends is uplifting/encouraging and it helps to turn a bad week around.

Soak in the love Mama.

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