Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like exploding? Just screaming? or running? or crying?
That's me today. I just woke up feeling completely upset and full of anxiety. Because I am good at it, I tried the denial route. I simmered on grumpy. Then, as I was trying to get stuff done in the office and looking at my (very lean!) checkbook and trying to do creative finance (think pulling a rabbit out of a hat), I just got very overwhelmed.
I went in the house (didnt you know my office is in my back yard?) and changed the sheets on my bed because stitch did manage to jump up there today (yea for the baby!) but left a nice little blood mark (ewwwww!). Frank came in and asked me what was wrong and I kinda unleashed. I started to cry and he hugged me and asked what was wrong, what he could do.
I started listing all the things I was upset about and being the logical person that he is, he started trying to help me.
Since the things that are wrong are not things that can be fixed, it didnt help.
I came back out to distract myself with work and he came and told me he wanted to take me to lunch. (I have been making that soup that I mentioned yesterday) and I told him I was gonna just eat that. He insisted on getting me out of here and let's go to the new burger place (callded the squeeze in which you may have seen on one of those "most fattening, horrible,delicious" shows"). I told him that would make me feel worse but he insisted and because even when I am feeling crappy, I try to make other people happy, I went because to be fair, that is what we used to do when we had bad days which was to go eat at this one little burger place together so he was just pulling out his tricks of what used to work with his now crazy wife.
So we went. I did not order the turkey sandwich or even the steak sandwich. I ordered the special burger with about 6 ounces of cheese melted around it in a little skirt, hold the mayo.(hodl the mayo? what difference could that have made at THAT point!? I KNOW! I AM CRAZY! lol. I ordered a diet coke, too. lol.
He ordered his with bacon and a side of onion rings. When it came, it glistened with grease and fat and I was mumbling under my breathe about it. I pulled the cheese off (I just could not do it) and ate half the burger (with fresh veggies) then pulled the top bun off and ate the rest of the meat and veggies and I ate 2 of the onion rings.
I was right. I just felt worse. Then I was mad at myself that I didnt just do what "I" needed which was probably to just have the damn soup and go for a walk and maybe cry and release some stress. Frank was being so sweet trying to help that I just couldn't do it. What's wrong with ME that I cannot take care of me? That even when I really needed something else, I went along for the ride because I didnt want to upset someone else?
I need help with that. Obviously.
You guys know me. I am unicorns and rainbows. I always turn it around. Even when I have written seemingly whiny or negative blogs, I will turn it around in the end. It is just who I am. I know this will pass. I know the things that are bothering me (of which there are many) will happen or not happen and I have very little control of that. But damn, a girl is entitled to one shi**y day once in a while, right? Maybe I just need to not fight it and just let it take me over for a day but that scares me because I am always afraid I wont be able to come back.
Even when my mom died, I didnt cry for about 6 months. "Steel" was my middle name. But really? I was just afraid if I started crying,I would never, ever stop. Where that landed me was months of depression as I walked around in a fog. I remember Frank telling me I had to stop it. We had 2 little girls who needed me. I remember telling him "DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE! HOW DARE YOU!?" But the next day, I woke up and realized. He was right. I was the MOM now and my babies needed me. I pulled myself out and up (and yes I know about depression and I know that most people cannot just do that!) But I decided that enough was enough and I had to move on. And I have.
This has been building for a while. I can feel the knot in my gut. I can feel the pull of sugar (feel better, FAST!), I can feel the anxiety and I can feel myself shutting down.
I am fighting. I am fighting for work. I am fighting for my health, my families health, the dog's health. I am fighting with race car drivers and employees. I am fighting with insurance companies and city planning offices. I am fighting and you know what? I am tired of fighting.
I just want some peace. I will fight tomorrow.
So my plan tonight is to go for a walk (without stitchy, which makes me sad and makes her even sadder) and I am going to have that damn soup for dinner and maybe a peice of bread too. I am going to put my jammies and slippers on, get in my big comfy chair with my tablet and read stuff and spark and facebook and I am going to watch GLEE and NEW GIRL and RAISING HOPE and PARENTHOOD and if any of them are reruns, someone is gonna die.
And then I am going to go to bed and hope that the same magic which wakes me up tomorrow with a new attitude will change the balance in my checking accounts, too. Which reminds me, I havent seen the check book in about 4 days.. where the hell did I leave it???