MAMADWARF   44,699
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MAMADWARF's Recent Blog Entries

2 years ago today

Saturday, March 10, 2012

I started my spark journey 2 years ago. Since in away on vacation I am not going to do a proper blog. I will tell you that the first year was all about weight loss and figuring it all out. The second year, is apparantly about maintenance. The next year? Its gonna be about finishing. I set out to do some stuff and I haven't yet. So I am going to finish what I started. That's my plan.

Thank you to all of you, you have made a huge difference in my life!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KURTBAMF 3/15/2012 12:14PM

    Congratulations on your 2 year Spark-a-versary! I hope you're enjoying your vacation and I can't wait to hear your thoughts when you get back!

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PJH2028 3/13/2012 7:58PM

    You are a shining light - inside and out. . . And... Happy Anniversary to you! I'm SO GLAD to be on this journey with you. Am SO grateful for all the Laughter and Insight and True Genuine Kindness & Wisdom you have extended and shared.

It's not a diet - It's Life. I'm learning that again. And again. And again.
So... layering healthy behavior and attitude and relationships... is key... for me.

After all my illness, I fell out of sync with my spark connection rhythm. It's like a dance? It's a kind of ritual? In any case... I just gained some weight, and don't feel good.

I want to feel goood! Let's FEEL GOOD one day at a time TOGETHER.

I'm here. I will keep being here. And I look forward to sharing time space experience and smiles. Finishing what we start. Finishing... is an interesting verb. Love to you! xop

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CANNIE50 3/11/2012 10:19PM

    Sparkpeople is a wonderful place, and became even better the minute you logged on for the first time.... emoticon

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JITZUROE 3/11/2012 9:25PM

    We're all here to cheer you on through this year and to your goal! Woohoooooo!!!!!
Bren

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MOONBIRD 3/11/2012 7:53PM

    Yay! You're so awesome, and I am glad to have 'met' you. :)

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LESLIES537 3/11/2012 4:25PM

    'Atta girl!! emoticon emoticon

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BAYBELIEVER 3/11/2012 3:31PM

    Understand that! Living it with you! Won't finish what I started almost 2 years ago this year, but am hoping to see a different century mark on the scale by the end of the year! That's my goal! Let's do this...

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OJIBWEEQUAY 3/11/2012 9:26AM

    Love you!!!!! Let's finish together!!!!!

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MEGA_MILES 3/11/2012 7:39AM

    Congrats and all the best on your way to the finiish. emoticon

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HGSGUY 3/10/2012 11:06PM

    Vacation? Nice sparkversirary present!! Have fun

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MADEMCHE 3/10/2012 10:19PM

    Super proud of you! Way to go and have a wonderful trip.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 3/10/2012 6:40PM

    You're awesome Jan, and I'm so lucky to have YOU in MY life! *HUGS*

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HEALTHYASHLEY 3/10/2012 4:15PM

    I am so proud of you!

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GRACEISENUF 3/10/2012 1:16PM

    emoticon

emoticon

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TERRYT55 3/10/2012 12:49PM

    Congrats, Jan! Hope you are having a fabulous time on vacation. I'm looking forward to your "proper" blog! Take care

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because its raining....

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Here is a treat for you.....

Cortez got a rain coat!



So then stitchy had to try it on, too!



Have a great day! I'm going to!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAMAPERRY 3/4/2012 7:48PM

    Very cute!

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DAVIDPRESCOTT 3/4/2012 1:48AM

    Those dogs look SO cute! And I love your recent status update - glad you had a great day! emoticon

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BIGMAMAT 3/3/2012 12:11PM

    haahaha. I laugh. Cortez looks unhappy. hahahaha. I think he needs a batman cape for halloween!!!!

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DIVASPARK 3/3/2012 11:05AM

    Cute!

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BAYBELIEVER 3/2/2012 8:58AM

    Cute! Cute! Cute!

Does this help them when they have to do their business in the rain? My dogs hate going out in the rain. But, somehow, I think they would hate a raincoat even more.

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CANNIE50 3/1/2012 7:47PM

    That's quite the cute little fashion show.

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GRACEISENUF 3/1/2012 1:09PM

    sooooo cute!

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KITHKINCAID 3/1/2012 12:34PM

    I. Love. Dogs. In. People-Clothes!!!

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TREASURINGLIFE 3/1/2012 11:55AM

    Too cute! :)

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TERRYT55 3/1/2012 11:52AM

    So darn cute! Thanks for the smile emoticon

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BADASSBLONDIE 3/1/2012 11:44AM

    D'awwwwww

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 3/1/2012 10:58AM

    OMG, how cute!

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YES!

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Got a call from the vet today and stitchy does not have cancer! It is some sort of freak rare tumor but she is fine and cancer free! I'm so relieved, I cannot even explain!!! Thank you guys for all you support yesterday. I feel better today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEMPENATIVE 3/5/2012 1:39PM

    emoticon so happy to hear the good news, they look adorable in the rain jackets too

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STRIVER57 3/2/2012 3:51AM

    that is so great!!!

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CELLISTA1 3/1/2012 10:33PM

    Whew!

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GRACEISENUF 3/1/2012 1:09PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KKINNEA 3/1/2012 12:51PM

    :)

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TERRYT55 3/1/2012 12:01PM

    What GREAT news. You must be walking on a cloud. So happy for you!



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BADASSBLONDIE 3/1/2012 11:44AM

    YES YES YES YES YESSSS!!!!!!!

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CALIPIDGIOUS 3/1/2012 9:42AM

    Hooray for good news!~

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SLFRISBEY 3/1/2012 9:17AM

    YEA!!!! So happy for you and Stitchy! Nothing like a clean bill of health!

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MADEMCHE 3/1/2012 7:48AM

    So happy for you and Stitch!

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TREASURINGLIFE 3/1/2012 7:33AM

    That is the best news EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Michelle

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BAYBELIEVER 3/1/2012 7:20AM

    So happy for you! Wonderful, wonderful news!
emoticon emoticon

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HEALTHYASHLEY 3/1/2012 6:28AM

    Happy dance. Woot woot

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COLUMBINE2 3/1/2012 12:29AM

    That's the best news ever!!! Back to normal now and movin' ahead, thank goodness!

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CANNIE50 2/29/2012 11:36PM

    SUCH great news - I am so glad to hear this.

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ENDUROVET 2/29/2012 11:06PM

    That's great news!
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Complete whack job

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like exploding? Just screaming? or running? or crying?

That's me today. I just woke up feeling completely upset and full of anxiety. Because I am good at it, I tried the denial route. I simmered on grumpy. Then, as I was trying to get stuff done in the office and looking at my (very lean!) checkbook and trying to do creative finance (think pulling a rabbit out of a hat), I just got very overwhelmed.

I went in the house (didnt you know my office is in my back yard?) and changed the sheets on my bed because stitch did manage to jump up there today (yea for the baby!) but left a nice little blood mark (ewwwww!). Frank came in and asked me what was wrong and I kinda unleashed. I started to cry and he hugged me and asked what was wrong, what he could do.

I started listing all the things I was upset about and being the logical person that he is, he started trying to help me.
Since the things that are wrong are not things that can be fixed, it didnt help.

I came back out to distract myself with work and he came and told me he wanted to take me to lunch. (I have been making that soup that I mentioned yesterday) and I told him I was gonna just eat that. He insisted on getting me out of here and let's go to the new burger place (callded the squeeze in which you may have seen on one of those "most fattening, horrible,delicious" shows"). I told him that would make me feel worse but he insisted and because even when I am feeling crappy, I try to make other people happy, I went because to be fair, that is what we used to do when we had bad days which was to go eat at this one little burger place together so he was just pulling out his tricks of what used to work with his now crazy wife.

So we went. I did not order the turkey sandwich or even the steak sandwich. I ordered the special burger with about 6 ounces of cheese melted around it in a little skirt, hold the mayo.(hodl the mayo? what difference could that have made at THAT point!? I KNOW! I AM CRAZY! lol. I ordered a diet coke, too. lol.

He ordered his with bacon and a side of onion rings. When it came, it glistened with grease and fat and I was mumbling under my breathe about it. I pulled the cheese off (I just could not do it) and ate half the burger (with fresh veggies) then pulled the top bun off and ate the rest of the meat and veggies and I ate 2 of the onion rings.

I was right. I just felt worse. Then I was mad at myself that I didnt just do what "I" needed which was probably to just have the damn soup and go for a walk and maybe cry and release some stress. Frank was being so sweet trying to help that I just couldn't do it. What's wrong with ME that I cannot take care of me? That even when I really needed something else, I went along for the ride because I didnt want to upset someone else?

I need help with that. Obviously.

You guys know me. I am unicorns and rainbows. I always turn it around. Even when I have written seemingly whiny or negative blogs, I will turn it around in the end. It is just who I am. I know this will pass. I know the things that are bothering me (of which there are many) will happen or not happen and I have very little control of that. But damn, a girl is entitled to one shi**y day once in a while, right? Maybe I just need to not fight it and just let it take me over for a day but that scares me because I am always afraid I wont be able to come back.

Even when my mom died, I didnt cry for about 6 months. "Steel" was my middle name. But really? I was just afraid if I started crying,I would never, ever stop. Where that landed me was months of depression as I walked around in a fog. I remember Frank telling me I had to stop it. We had 2 little girls who needed me. I remember telling him "DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE! HOW DARE YOU!?" But the next day, I woke up and realized. He was right. I was the MOM now and my babies needed me. I pulled myself out and up (and yes I know about depression and I know that most people cannot just do that!) But I decided that enough was enough and I had to move on. And I have.

This has been building for a while. I can feel the knot in my gut. I can feel the pull of sugar (feel better, FAST!), I can feel the anxiety and I can feel myself shutting down.

I am fighting. I am fighting for work. I am fighting for my health, my families health, the dog's health. I am fighting with race car drivers and employees. I am fighting with insurance companies and city planning offices. I am fighting and you know what? I am tired of fighting.

I just want some peace. I will fight tomorrow.

So my plan tonight is to go for a walk (without stitchy, which makes me sad and makes her even sadder) and I am going to have that damn soup for dinner and maybe a peice of bread too. I am going to put my jammies and slippers on, get in my big comfy chair with my tablet and read stuff and spark and facebook and I am going to watch GLEE and NEW GIRL and RAISING HOPE and PARENTHOOD and if any of them are reruns, someone is gonna die.
And then I am going to go to bed and hope that the same magic which wakes me up tomorrow with a new attitude will change the balance in my checking accounts, too. Which reminds me, I havent seen the check book in about 4 days.. where the hell did I leave it???

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PJH2028 3/1/2012 7:05PM

    Oh gosh, Jan, I just SO relate to you - in so many ways.

xxo

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GRACEISENUF 3/1/2012 1:11PM

    Yep, we are libras and sometimes our scales just get a lil out of balance.

GOD BLESS OUR HUBBYS!

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Comment edited on: 3/1/2012 1:12:26 PM

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JOMAMA99 2/29/2012 1:24PM

    Isn't is just like a man to try to "fix" everything for you. They don't seem to get it that sometimes it is just better to leave us be. Hopefully you had a good night and woke up this morning a little better. If not, go for a long walk and scream if you wanna!!
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TREASURINGLIFE 2/29/2012 8:39AM

    ((((HUGS))))

I hope your night was relaxing...and the money fairy came by, found your checkbook and added a zero or two to your balance!!!

By the way, it's totally okay for you to have a break-down day. And you don't need to worry about going there and never coming back. You are WAY too strong for that to ever happen. You just need to allow yourself to scream, rant, freak, cry, worry, stress, and be consumed for a day...and then you can move on. Cuz once you see that what's driving you mad is actually the fact that you're holding it in, you'll realize what you already know - worrying won't change things. However - holding in and not allowing yourself to fully worry for at least one day, does make things worse.

So go ahead - get it out - and then move on. And by the way. I'm enormously impressed with the fact that you didn't nosh down that entire burger - WITH BACON - and an entire order of fries AND onion rings. Cuz Mama, that's totally what I would have done. See...you are AMAZINGLY strong. Even when you think you are weak. It's all in your perspective, I suppose. ;)

I love your face and I hope you have a wonderful day!!

- Michelle

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KAMAPERRY 2/28/2012 10:38PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KKINNEA 2/28/2012 10:20PM

    I hope the break you are taking will give you back the balance - sending positive vibes your way.

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OJIBWEEQUAY 2/28/2012 9:50PM

    Hugs!!!!

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MUSICALLYMINDED 2/28/2012 9:49PM

    I sooo understand where you're coming from. That was me all weekend. At least you realized that you didn't need to medicate yourself with food, and you didn't overdo it. I wish I could have come to that realization during my PMS crazytime this weekend.

BTW I love all your shows! Except Parenthood. I haven't watched that one yet.

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 2/28/2012 9:45PM

    I hear you. Sometimes we need a good respite in our comfy clothes and couch. Do whatever you need to do tonight to make it a brighter day tomorrow. I hope you feel better.

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MILMOM2000NEW 2/28/2012 9:35PM

    Lady, you are in my prayers! Your day sounds like mine today! I woke up ticked off for some reason and as hard as I tried to make it better, NOTHING worked! Please know that we are here for you! You can always count on us to help you feel better (or to vent too!).

Praying for you a better tomorrow, full of those unicorns and rainbows! Smiles to you and many many blessings! :) Hope you have a great night too!


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IMIN2GENES 2/28/2012 9:05PM

    Oh my Jan! Your sense of humor does serve you well. I hope nothing was a rerun! I'll send some extra unicorns and sunshine your way... maybe they can help find the checkbook! I feel you there, I panicked today when I realized I forgot to make the car payment last week. Doh! Thankfully, it will credit in the grace period. Now I'm freaked out about the "what if I missed something else". You know that one...

Enjoy your break. I hope you get some of your extra pluck back! Hang in there and take care of you!
Chris
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PAMNANGEL 2/28/2012 8:20PM

    Been there all too often myself. I remind myself that "this too shall pass". It's not much, but on bad days it's all I have to cling to.

I've seen the Squeeze Inn on tv. Never been there though.

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MYOWNHERO 2/28/2012 7:34PM

    You can vent all you want! By teh way...you did an awsome job at the burger place. Pulled off teh cheese? Pulled out the bread? No mayo? You saved lots of calories that way. Way to take control! You rock!

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BADASSBLONDIE 2/28/2012 6:56PM

    I hope that this night helps you feel better tomorrow. Sometimes, we just need a break and need to just mope. I get that way sometimes, and Mike always tries to fix it to (silly men :P). *hugshard* Enjoy your night tonight. xoxo

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CANNIE50 2/28/2012 6:34PM

    Oh, Jan, I am so glad you wrote this blog and sorted out some of what you are dealing with. I am a firm believer that sometimes we just take off the gloves, and sit and listen to the sadness that we have been fighting and fighting. It also sounds like you are tired to the middle of your bones. Retreating and resting sound like a good plan. You have a lot of insights and, I find, when I write stuff down, it is more committed to my memory so I catch myself quicker, doing things that don't necessarily work. Watch out, girlie-girl, 50's is the decade that people-pleasing tends to leave us (if we let it). It is a bit of an adjustment for everyone. My husband is similar to Frank, and I have learned not to feel guilty turning down his offers of meals in restaurants. I don't say no all the time, but it is just not my favorite thing to do so it is time for he and I to have a different "go-to" activity (there are many, I will leave them to your imagination). I wish you lots and lots of rest and brand-new sitcom episodes (I am a sit-com kind of a gal, myself). emoticon

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TEMPENATIVE 2/28/2012 6:31PM

    sounds like a tough day, and yes everyone deserves to have one emoticon

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TERRYT55 2/28/2012 6:25PM

    I have this kind of day way too often........usually a good hour of exercise helps me but sometimes nothing helps and I just can't wait for the day to be over so I can pull the covers over my head!

On the up side Parenthood is new tonight! Don't know abut the other shows as the are not on today in my neck of the woods!

I wish you a peaceful day and week. Hope you find your checkbook too!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 2/28/2012 6:22PM

    Parenthood is the season finale tonight! Looks good. I think we all have no coping mechanisms hence our eating issues. You have to find a better way to deal. I told my fiance this week that there can't be any more buckwild weekends of eating whatever we want because it throws me off track. Yes, I enjoy those times with him but the truth is it is hurting me the other 6 days and I had to speak up about what I need. Frank can learn new ways to cheer you up too. With say one of the fruit arrangements instead??? Love you

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 2/28/2012 6:19PM

    Oh, Jan... I have NO words of wisdom, I have nothing to say to fix this (which you don't want or need). Just know that we've all been there. Curled up on the couch after eating a crap ton of garbage and praying you don't have to watch a rerun (cause someone will die, lol). You need to take time for yourself, you can't do it all, fix it all, or even pretend to be able to handle it all. You are always a rainbow kind of girl, but with those rainbows usually come some clouds and rain. So, get your umbrella (blanket) and your boots (slippers) curl up with Stichy and wait for the rain to stop. You deserve a break. *HUGS*

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things that went right today

Monday, February 27, 2012

1. Had a good breakfast
2. Got on the scale and faced it. (Yea back to 230! Gah)
3. Took stitchy to the vet for her surgery. Blood work is good, she came through fine and came home hungry which is a good sign. Will have to wait for biopsy results for 5 to 7 days.
4. Discovered a delicious soup (Campbell's Tuscan chicken with white beans) which I am going to make my own version of tomorrow from scratch!
5. Went sugar free today.
6. Got a lot done in my office.
7. Had a yogurt with fruit for a snack not cake, cookies, or candy.
8. Remembered that I like eating good, clean food. Remembered that even though I want to eat my stress away, all it does is add to it because then I feel weak, fat and stupid.
9. My friends and family are wonderful.
10. Cortez, my bullodog grandog is adorable and loves me and makes me smile.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 2/28/2012 8:53PM

    Now that is an awesome day! Way to go!
Chris

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TEMPENATIVE 2/28/2012 6:31PM

    thats a lotta right baby!

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CANNIE50 2/28/2012 1:00PM

    That's a lot of right. I should have number 8 tattooed on my forhead, backwards (or maybe on a t-shirt, or maybe just commit it to memory - I can relate!). Yay to us for not having sugar hang-overs today. I am thinking of you and your Stitchy-dog.

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BADASSBLONDIE 2/28/2012 12:02PM

    I am so proud of you for not stress eating on such a stressful day. *hugshard*

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KKINNEA 2/28/2012 10:12AM

    Fab!

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LESLIES537 2/28/2012 9:49AM

    You freakin' rock! Winning!!! emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 2/28/2012 9:40AM

    Slad Stitchy's surgery went well! Any time a pup comes home hungry that's a good sign for sure! (Then again my big dog tries to sleep with her food bowl, so food is her favorite thing!) Let us know how the biopsy results turn out, sending you virtual hugs!

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HEYBUTT 2/28/2012 9:23AM

    Good vibes to Stitchy!

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SARAHSTARTSOVER 2/28/2012 8:59AM

    Wonderful!

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TREASURINGLIFE 2/28/2012 7:35AM

    This blog totally made me smile! :)

Have a fantastic day Jan! (((HUGS))) to you and Stitchy.

- Michelle

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MADEMCHE 2/28/2012 7:28AM

    What a great positive day! Good for you.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 2/28/2012 6:26AM

    All of these are good positive things and I am proud of you!!

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STRIVER57 2/28/2012 4:33AM

    what a brilliant idea for a blog ... or just for reflection. i need to do that. thanks! and fingers crossed for stitchy!

Comment edited on: 2/28/2012 4:34:02 AM

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DAISY443 2/28/2012 2:45AM

    Ten ways to have a wonderful day! So glad Stitchy is doing well. Daisy dog sends her love!

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CELLISTA1 2/28/2012 12:44AM

    There you go, girlfriend! When it feels right, we do it!

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