Thursday, March 15, 2012
When I started my spark journey here on March 10, 2010, I weighed 291 pounds. I found out later that in fact, my doctor had me weighed in at 304! I blanked that out becuase I always told myself, "well, at least you are under 300". Snort. The lies we tell!!
Anyway, my first year here, I was fired up. Determined. I had all the tools I needed. I used my tracker faithfully, even on vacation. In fact, my very first vacation, I came home and had only gained .6 pounds. I was so happy. My plan was to get my eating under control first, then add excercise. I have a replaced knee, the other one needs it and I have two bulged discs in my back. I took alot of pain meds just to get through the day. I did not walk nor do any kind of excercise for the 4 years prior to getting healthy. Before that, I went to the gym 3 days a week. In all that time, I only lost 20 pounds because I kept eating like it was my job. I knew I had to do both to be successful but I knew I would need to ease into it when I "tried" again to lose weight.
After the first 15 pounds, I announced I was in a program to help me lose weight. With every success, I posted it on facebook. I got a lot of "keep it up!".
That pissed me off. What if I didnt want to keep it up? What if all I wanted to do was lose 10, 20, 30 pounds?
I kept it up, lol, but because I wanted to, not to please or show off to anyone else.
Then I started walking with my husband and dog. We went 3 nights a week and gradually, I actually walked a mile. I cannot tell you how exciting that was. Now, we walk 4-5 times a week and average 2-3 miles. It is nice. We talk. We watch the dog chase critters that she has no hope of catching. I dont think of it as excercise. It is just a peaceful time of day for us.
By the end of that year, I had lost 62 pounds. Nobody told me to keep it up anymore. They were in shock and awe that I acheived that and I looked so much better and felt so much better and I was alot more fun to be around. I was very proud of myself and felt wonderful.
By the beginning of the 2nd year, I started to struggle. Every pound was harder to lose. I got to where I had lost 70 pounds and that was a huge milestone. Keep in mind, my original goal was to lose 111 pounds and then I was going to reasses how much more (if any) I was going to lose.
In that whole 2nd year, I lost 100 pounds. Unfortunatly, it was the same 5-10 pounds, back and forth, back and forth. But I learned something. I can MAINTAIN! So that gives me hope that when I do lose the rest, I will be able to maintain it. I am consistant. I eat about the same calories every day, still go on vacation and gain 5 pounds, then come home and lose it almost immediatly. I still walk almost every day. I do some occasional kickboxing video's or Frank and I play Kinect and kick each others butts virtually which is always fun and I do some strength training. We have an old weight machine that had gathered dust for years and I am happy to say it is back in working order.
But I realize, going into my 3rd year, that to see change, I have to change. I have to do something different to get different results. I can not go back to what I used to do. I can only move forward into victory.
I have to leave my comfort zone and I have to push myself. I need to step up my workouts. I have to perhaps eat less or calorie cycle. I need to discover what is going to work NOW to get where I set out to go.
I have a blog, way back, about my visual. I am walking down a 2 lane highway, in the desert. I am between 2 mountains. The mountain behind me is where I started. Every 5 miles is a marker and I keep going, getting closer to the mountain of completion. But I have been camped out so long at this marker, I am officially living there. It is time to move. I need to leave these markers behind and get closer to my new place. I am moving out and moving on.
So I am going to take what I have learned these last 2 years, tweak it, use it, apply it and change it. I am going into my 3rd year here at spark with deterimination behind me, consistancy beside me and victory ahead of me.
Through it all, you have been here with me, by me and for me. I seriously could not have done it alone.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
I started my spark journey 2 years ago. Since in away on vacation I am not going to do a proper blog. I will tell you that the first year was all about weight loss and figuring it all out. The second year, is apparantly about maintenance. The next year? Its gonna be about finishing. I set out to do some stuff and I haven't yet. So I am going to finish what I started. That's my plan.
Thank you to all of you, you have made a huge difference in my life!
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Here is a treat for you.....
Cortez got a rain coat!
So then stitchy had to try it on, too!
Have a great day! I'm going to!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Got a call from the vet today and stitchy does not have cancer! It is some sort of freak rare tumor but she is fine and cancer free! I'm so relieved, I cannot even explain!!! Thank you guys for all you support yesterday. I feel better today.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like exploding? Just screaming? or running? or crying?
That's me today. I just woke up feeling completely upset and full of anxiety. Because I am good at it, I tried the denial route. I simmered on grumpy. Then, as I was trying to get stuff done in the office and looking at my (very lean!) checkbook and trying to do creative finance (think pulling a rabbit out of a hat), I just got very overwhelmed.
I went in the house (didnt you know my office is in my back yard?) and changed the sheets on my bed because stitch did manage to jump up there today (yea for the baby!) but left a nice little blood mark (ewwwww!). Frank came in and asked me what was wrong and I kinda unleashed. I started to cry and he hugged me and asked what was wrong, what he could do.
I started listing all the things I was upset about and being the logical person that he is, he started trying to help me.
Since the things that are wrong are not things that can be fixed, it didnt help.
I came back out to distract myself with work and he came and told me he wanted to take me to lunch. (I have been making that soup that I mentioned yesterday) and I told him I was gonna just eat that. He insisted on getting me out of here and let's go to the new burger place (callded the squeeze in which you may have seen on one of those "most fattening, horrible,delicious" shows"). I told him that would make me feel worse but he insisted and because even when I am feeling crappy, I try to make other people happy, I went because to be fair, that is what we used to do when we had bad days which was to go eat at this one little burger place together so he was just pulling out his tricks of what used to work with his now crazy wife.
So we went. I did not order the turkey sandwich or even the steak sandwich. I ordered the special burger with about 6 ounces of cheese melted around it in a little skirt, hold the mayo.(hodl the mayo? what difference could that have made at THAT point!? I KNOW! I AM CRAZY! lol. I ordered a diet coke, too. lol.
He ordered his with bacon and a side of onion rings. When it came, it glistened with grease and fat and I was mumbling under my breathe about it. I pulled the cheese off (I just could not do it) and ate half the burger (with fresh veggies) then pulled the top bun off and ate the rest of the meat and veggies and I ate 2 of the onion rings.
I was right. I just felt worse. Then I was mad at myself that I didnt just do what "I" needed which was probably to just have the damn soup and go for a walk and maybe cry and release some stress. Frank was being so sweet trying to help that I just couldn't do it. What's wrong with ME that I cannot take care of me? That even when I really needed something else, I went along for the ride because I didnt want to upset someone else?
I need help with that. Obviously.
You guys know me. I am unicorns and rainbows. I always turn it around. Even when I have written seemingly whiny or negative blogs, I will turn it around in the end. It is just who I am. I know this will pass. I know the things that are bothering me (of which there are many) will happen or not happen and I have very little control of that. But damn, a girl is entitled to one shi**y day once in a while, right? Maybe I just need to not fight it and just let it take me over for a day but that scares me because I am always afraid I wont be able to come back.
Even when my mom died, I didnt cry for about 6 months. "Steel" was my middle name. But really? I was just afraid if I started crying,I would never, ever stop. Where that landed me was months of depression as I walked around in a fog. I remember Frank telling me I had to stop it. We had 2 little girls who needed me. I remember telling him "DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO GRIEVE! HOW DARE YOU!?" But the next day, I woke up and realized. He was right. I was the MOM now and my babies needed me. I pulled myself out and up (and yes I know about depression and I know that most people cannot just do that!) But I decided that enough was enough and I had to move on. And I have.
This has been building for a while. I can feel the knot in my gut. I can feel the pull of sugar (feel better, FAST!), I can feel the anxiety and I can feel myself shutting down.
I am fighting. I am fighting for work. I am fighting for my health, my families health, the dog's health. I am fighting with race car drivers and employees. I am fighting with insurance companies and city planning offices. I am fighting and you know what? I am tired of fighting.
I just want some peace. I will fight tomorrow.
So my plan tonight is to go for a walk (without stitchy, which makes me sad and makes her even sadder) and I am going to have that damn soup for dinner and maybe a peice of bread too. I am going to put my jammies and slippers on, get in my big comfy chair with my tablet and read stuff and spark and facebook and I am going to watch GLEE and NEW GIRL and RAISING HOPE and PARENTHOOD and if any of them are reruns, someone is gonna die.
And then I am going to go to bed and hope that the same magic which wakes me up tomorrow with a new attitude will change the balance in my checking accounts, too. Which reminds me, I havent seen the check book in about 4 days.. where the hell did I leave it???
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