Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Because I am the queen! The queen of denial!
I think I have always had the ability to tune out. When things were bad in my life, I was always able to shift into neutral.....just kinda there but not. Switch off the ignition and coast as it were.
I think I developed this handy coping tool when my first husband died when I was 19. I had never had anything bad happen in my life. I had a wonderful family, an easy life. When Mark died, I had NO SKILLS to deal with that. My cure to survival was to numb myself with alcohol, drugs and (yes I will say it) sex with people whom I didnt have to care about. That worked for awhile. It was exhausing though. I was running from the pain in a very destructive way.
When I finally got tired of running, I stopped in a very dangerous place. I didnt realize it though because my brain was just waking up and by the time I did, it was too late. I was married to an abuser. This time my coping mechanism was to think I deserved it because of how bad I had behaved before. I told myself it wasnt "that bad" and he didnt do it "All the time".
When I had my daughter, something rebooted. I woke up. FULLY woke up and knew I could not allow my daughter to suffer in this sort of a life becuase I was being stupid.
SNAP. Jan came back. Just like that. This is the Jan I have always been. Tough, strong, sure of myself. I had someone to LIVE for, to provide for, to save. Someone who was soo much more "worthy" of a good life than I felt I was. I left.
I moved home with my wonderful parents, got a job and soon after, reconnected with Frank. (He was in my life since I was 14, he was my first love and his best friend was married to my sister, not to mention me being great friends with his sister too). By the time Kelly was 1, Frank was the only father she ever knew or has known.
I try very hard to be "present" in these last 25 years. I KNOW how lucky I am to have the life I do. I KNOW how much work I have put into our businesses and into our marriage. I DO feel worthy of it and I DO know I deserve to be happy.
The denial comes in when times are tough. When money is tight, I can barely look at my checkbook. It is easy to put the bills out of my mind. If things are not going well, it is easy to spend evenings online or reading, just tuned out, zoned out and then go to bed. I become only part way here, like a ghost. You can see me but not all the way. I procrasinate terribly. Like today. I finally billed some customers for work done way last week that I wont get paid for until they get billed and I really need the money. What IS that? I joked on facebook the other day that I wonder why I am a procrastinator and then said I would think about it tomorrow.
I like when things resolve themselves with no effort on my part. Maybe if I just ignore it, I will magically have lost weight this week. Maybe if I dont get on the scale, my body wont confess all the candy and chocolate and cake pops I have been eating. If I dont KNOW it, maybe it isnt true.
This is not a part of me I like. At all. It is childish, immature and highly ineffective. I have spent the last 2 years (in March) working every day on losing 70 pounds. I still have 50 to go. This denial and procrastination is NOT going to get me there.
I woke up this morning and said this is it.
I got on the scale.
Today. I am not allowing the baking etc. to go on in my kitchen. ALL baking things must be in the dining room. The kitchen is mine for making healthy dinners and snacks. (Obviously the oven can be used but then it goes inthe dining room for decorating etc).
I made a huge crock pot of soup which I had for lunch. I am going to have it cooking all week. When I want to eat something during the day, it will be vegetable soup.
I did Coach Nicole's 10 minute kickboxing this morning.
I am taking Stitch for a walk at 4, when Frank gets home.
I am making a healthy dinner.
I am going to face the things that I want to push down, to bury, to kill.
I am rowing my boat to shore and I am getting out of the river. THE NILE can go on with out me. Keep flowing, b****. You got one less person to navigate you.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The valentines day extravagnza of baking is over. I'm so happy. I want my house back and I want the chocolate put away and I don't want the smell of cake to permeate my dreams. I am starting with a good breakfast and now I'm going to do coach Nicole's 10 minute Kickboxing routine and I have a healthy dinner planned. So here I go. I feel like I am starting over. It feels like when
You say, " I'm going to start my diet Monday".
I know I am just continuing my path but I seriously am back to my sugar addiction. Today is day 1 of cold turkey. This is how I did it when I first started...no additional sugar, nothing baked or unwrapped or popped in my mouth. Because 1 bite is too much and is never enough. Cannie, I know you feel my pain! Have a good day, my friends!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I write so many amazing blogs! Unfortunatly, they are in my head while I am trying to go to sleep at night, then I forget in the morning.
I have been wanting to tell you and show you some stuff.
One of the things I want to show you is some of the baking items we have been making here for Valentine's Day. The girls and I are making all kinds of stuff for friends and family and the girls are making some extra cash (and I am getting paid back for buying the products but making zero profit and gaining nothing but pounds and the time spent with my daughters...sigh. It's priceless..right??).
I made these little chocolate covered cherry mice for some kids baskets we are doing....
Then we did some Jack Skellington for a birthday party....
Then there are some of these boxed cake pops as well....
Some of the flavors we have created include some Alcohol pops such as Kahlua, Malibu, and Bananas fosters which have been really popular and of course, your white, chocolate, red velvet, lemon etc.... The Almond toffee candy is all bagged up and/or given away so I am relieved it will stop calling me!!
This will all be over in a few days and I will be soooooo glad! Every lick, taste, nibble and bite is adding up and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, day after day of it.
Now, because you haven't seen Cortez in a little while, Here he is...THE BUBS! (aka Bubs, Bubby, Bubbalicious and CORTEZ-LEAVE-THE-CATS-ALONE!)
Remember last week? When I said Frank and I were going to get away for a day? Well, we did. We went to Monterey, spent the night then headed to Pismo to pick up some parts and headed home. Lots of time in the car but it was really nice to get away together, even just for the day. We will be married 22 years on the 24th of this month and he is still my best friend. I like the guy, what can I say?
When we were in Monterey, we went to the Famous Bixby Creek Bridge. My dad wanted his ashes spread there. He lived in Pacific Grove most of his life and that was a special place for him. He passed away on Valentine's day in 2006. Which was kinda fitting because he loved my mom so much and he was so miserable without her (she died in 1994) so it was fitting that he died on that day, to go be with the love of his life. Someone asked me if it made me sad he died on that day but it doesn't. It was pretty perfect actually. So anyway, I went to the Bridge and said hello to him. It was the most gorgeous day as you can see.
I hope you guys are all doing well and I will be back to serious Sparking again in a day or two. I feel like I am a little adrift right now but you are keeping me tethered and I thank you so much for hanging on to me and reaching out. You are my lifeline and are all that stands between me and binges sometimes. Sugar detox coming up really, really soon! I have a few really special friends here and it looks like a few of us may meet up in April. I am pretty stoked about that! There are still a few of my sparkies that I know I will meet someday but it will most likely involve an east coast trip... Something to look forward to, right? Even if I never face to face meet anyone, you have changed my life and I value our friendship so much.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Well, let's see now...I haven't blogged for a week or so. I have been really busy. The girls and I have been taking orders for cake pops and. Valentines day baskets and we are getting really busy! It has been a lot of fun and some days I can avoid the cake pops and some days I can't but I can usually just eat one. They are NOT cookies so I have some controll over them. I have had good days and bad but mostly good.
I decided to weigh once a week for awhile as too often just makes me sad. I'm trying to still get the Christmas pounds off and get back to my 70 pounds lost and beyond. I am walking and frank and I have been doing some kinect boxing which is always funny and a hell of a good workout so we are gonna do that a few days a week, too. The sun has been out here in. Northern california and as roofers, we could use a little rain to stir up business but we are limping along. I have been spending a lot of time in my office and today, I crossed many things off my to do list like w2 forms and taxes, truck registration and DMV appointments. It is good to get things done and take some pressure off. I am a HUGE procrastinator but have been inspired recently by COOPAH who is taking down a barn! Get it done, hell ya!
Frank and I are Hoping to take a little getaway for a day or so to Monterey, maybe or something. I might even leave my tablet home ( god, he would be so happy to have my attention!) Guess that answers that! I hope you guys are well, hanging tight and moving forward. Tomorrow is FEBRUARY! GAH!!!! I am getting closer to the 2 year mark and I am with CANNIE, so grateful to have found spark and you. If I don't comment or drop in or thank you, please know every outreach you do for me touches me and I feel ya. Hugs and love, Jan
Get An Email Alert Each Time MAMADWARF Posts