Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tomorrow (Wednesday) is my 50th birthday. How do I feel about that, you may ask?
I am STOKED!! I am excited to be 50, I am excited to be me, at this age, at this weight, as this point in my journey.
I am still losing weight and getting healthy. I am not DONE and and I am NOT done working it, trying, fighting, being motivated, inspired and challenged.
I am going to be better that ever in my 50th year.
I am going to be better to myself in my 50th year.
I am going to be better for my family and my friends in my 50th year.
I am going to make my 75, 80 and 90 pound loss in my 50th year (maybe more, we shall see).
Thank you for the friendship, the support, the encouragement. Thank you for the birthday wishes and goodies, the laughs, the compassion and for letting me be part of your lives. It has been the best gift I could ever ask for and it means the world to me.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I wasnt gonna blog about this but I think I need to just to release it.
We have some racing friends, we have known for years but in the last 4 or 5 years have become closer to. They have a son (are we seeing a common denominator here???) who is an excellent driver and last year, Frank rebuilt a car (it was practically new) and the kids dad gave us a motor and we all agreed for "R" to drive it at 4 national events. He did drive it and did ok in it (motor was problematic) but we took it to all the races, he showed up and drove and it didnt cost him anything. He paid the entry and he kept any money. (the advantage to us was to promote our chassis that we build and get it in the winners circle).
In this division of racing, the cars we build DOMINATE and are usually the winners although there is good competition from a few other brands. Anyway, at the end of the season, it wasnt feeling like it was working out, so we sold the car and gave the dad the money for the motor. Even steven.
Come to find out, the kid is badmouthing us to several people that we didnt give him a NEW car but a rebuilt car (um, we dont owe you sh*^, butthead!) and now is coming to our race next week in a chassis from a competitor and did not even have the respect to tell us he is coming at all and is planning on just showing up and "surprising us". His parents did not let us know either so it strikes me as sneaky and certainly not how a friend would handle it. I dont care if he drives another car, although some loyalty would be nice. The problem I have is the badmouthing.
I just am furious and want to tell him and his dumb parents off but you know what? I CANT becuase of my position!
1. Franks wife (oh it is jealousy about the chassis)
2. Secretary of the club (gotta be nice to everyone)
3.Not gonna give them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me
A friend told me once, Hey, maybe WE are the A$$holes! And we always joke about it but I am starting to wonder. I just dont see how giving someone a car to drive makes us one so I have to veto that line of thought in this situation.
Thanks for listening. I will get over it and I will handle it with grace and dignity, things they will never have.
On another note, leaving to go to the inlaws today for my nephews wedding. I will take cake pop pictures and have a good time (I hope).
Hope you guys have a great weekend.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I have a friend whom I have known for 15 years. Her son began racing with us when he was only 19 and we rapidly became friends with him and his family. He is an adorable person who has gone on to reach very much success in other forms of racing and is very popular and famous in the Sprint car racing world.
He began with us, racing Dwarf cars and my husband was his mentor. He was a sponge, soaking up information, learning, racing hard and getting better every time. It was not a surprise to see him move on and step up in the ranks.
Anyway, his mom and dad have been great friends for all these years. We have all been through a lot together. They are the kind of people who always want to help and (I will call him D) D loves to be the rescuer, the helper, the savior and the big shot. With all friendships, you accept people the way they are.(I will call her L). L is a loving person but she can also be tough and has a negative word about everyone.
While it was always annoying with D becuase he would contradict Frank in terms of racing or his (leadership) position, we would always shrug it off with an "oh, thats just D". However, in the last few years, he began being toxic. Word was getting back to us how he was discrediting us and actually costing us business. I know the guy and I know he was just "talking" but it was becoming too much. Frank began distancing himself and I remained quiet with L. That just means I was not contacting her and she was not contacting me which was not unusual to go a few months without speaking. Most of our plans were made through the guys friendship and communication.
We have an annual race coming up next week. It is our 16th. For the last 13 years, they have been there. They help cook, sell tickets, T shirts, whatever needs to happen, they are there and I have often thought what I would do without them. It has always been strictly volunteer and friendship.
Last year, at the last minute, we had to move to another track. I was frantically organizing things etc. but we got it handled. Frank hadnt really talked to D for awhile and I had not spoken to L.
I did not invite them to attend and just figured if they showed up, great and if not, that was fine too. I felt I needed to respect my husband more than my friends. (Keep in mind I have never "invited" them, it was just a given).
I left their names at the Pitgate as I always did. They did not attend. The event went great, I had some other volunteers come and they were awesome! Anyway, time went by, it was christmas and I sent out cards as usual and of course, one to D and L. Also during this time, Kady was super sick and her ostomy surgery was scheduled for February. I was updating all of our friends via email about what was going on and they were included).
My sister asked me if I got a card from them and I said no. She was hesitant to tell me that she had received a card as well as a phone call. Ok so now I knew we had a real problem.
When Kady had her surgery (keeping in mind they have know her since she was a little girl), I updated them on the list with all my friends. No word. Then Kady received a get well card and I was encouraged.
In March, I sent D a birthday card. Nothing.
In May, I sent L a birthday card. Nothing.
We have mutual friends and I was telling S that I was sad about the whole thing. He hesitated and then related to me a story that happened last week.
To paraphrase, they were at the event Kady was working at (a race) and S hung out with Kady and her Artie, fed them breakfast and kept an eye on them the whole weekend. On the first day, D was there. S told D Kady and Artie were there and he should go say hi. He went off about what a loser Artie was (Um, no. This kid has stuck by my girl through thick and thin since they were 15!!).
D doesnt even know who Artie is or how sweet and wonderful he is and how we love him like our own son. D never went to see Kady.
So I know now and I am done. I have no more angst over them. It is over and I can move on with the people I know and love and who are loyal.
It is hard for me to write people off. I dont like things left hanging. I dont want to call.I dont want to fight. I dont want to apologize. I just dont....want to continue.
I beleive when someone means something to you and if they hurt you, you should be able to talk about it, work it out etc. I wish L had been able to talk to me about what was going on so we could have fixed it back then. Now, it just seems like too much water under the bridge and our friendship obviously wasnt worth it to her. That does make me sad.
On the other hand ( a Libra's favorite expression), is it good to keep a friendship just out of longevity or from a shared history? I like knowing what they really think of me and my family. It makes it easier to let it go.
So I am letting go. It is not always an instantaneous thing but I imagine a balloon that I am holding. In the balloon is the friendship, the sweetness, the bitterness, the snide remarks, the ability for them to be able to let us go so easily. It is all inside.
I am at the very, tiny, smallest scrap of string now and my fingers are relaxing. I am almost there. All I have to do is move a tiny fraction and it will be gone. Released. Over.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I have been home a few days (from vacation) and have noticed many people posting stats and goals for various challenges. The 5% fall challenge, the PMP challenge, the BLC... and I am standing and applauding all of you.
I have done a few challenges since I have been here for the past year and half and they are super motivating and very helpful. I still go back to some of the excercies I did in the spring challenge.
I truly believe that joining a challenge is a great way to jump start or continue your progress. I think it motivates you because you are competing, if not with others then at least with yourself. Plus it is fun to see how your buddies are doing and to see the progress in your weight loss and in your body. It is fun to see how strong you are compared to even last week!
So, are you thinking or asking "Jan, if you think it is so great, what challenge are you doing? Let's hear about how you are amping up your weight loss and getting fitter!! Or, wait, are you STILL at 70 pounds down? What, has this been like 2 months since you have lost the same 5 pounds? hrmpppph, some motivator you are!!!!"
I am not doing a challenge. If I was, I would probably do the PMP challenge although the 5% challenge sounds good too. But I am not doing one and here is why. It is not an excuse or a cop out, it is just the reality.
I do not have time to commit to one right now. For the last month and through the end of this month, I simply cannot do it. I do not half A$$ things so I am not going to sign up, try to fit it in, feel bad, not have time to participate and otherwise set myself up for failure. I am not doing it.
I would like to do a challenge in October just to keep my focus through the holidays (GAH... The HOLIDAYS??????? WTF???) and I am thinking I am going to reach out to some of my closest sparkies and see if we can do a mini challenge. Just a small thing every week to keep us on track and motivated to keep losing. It is not going to be a big deal but it will be enough. I just cannot do a big deal right now.
I still have a wedding for a nephew this week (a weekend away with a huge bunch of foodies and me making 100 cake pops), then my 50th birthday on the 28th and then we go to a racetrack for 4 days where I cook outside for 300 people for 3 days, dont get enough rest, drink too much and generally have a blast. Then I come home. And things will slow down and I will be happy for fall to come and ease me into the next season.
So that is why I am not doing a challenge and why I think you should. Cause Mama says so.
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