MAMADWARF   45,117
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Another whiny friend betrayal blog. Then I am done.

Friday, September 23, 2011

I wasnt gonna blog about this but I think I need to just to release it.

We have some racing friends, we have known for years but in the last 4 or 5 years have become closer to. They have a son (are we seeing a common denominator here???) who is an excellent driver and last year, Frank rebuilt a car (it was practically new) and the kids dad gave us a motor and we all agreed for "R" to drive it at 4 national events. He did drive it and did ok in it (motor was problematic) but we took it to all the races, he showed up and drove and it didnt cost him anything. He paid the entry and he kept any money. (the advantage to us was to promote our chassis that we build and get it in the winners circle).

In this division of racing, the cars we build DOMINATE and are usually the winners although there is good competition from a few other brands. Anyway, at the end of the season, it wasnt feeling like it was working out, so we sold the car and gave the dad the money for the motor. Even steven.

Come to find out, the kid is badmouthing us to several people that we didnt give him a NEW car but a rebuilt car (um, we dont owe you sh*^, butthead!) and now is coming to our race next week in a chassis from a competitor and did not even have the respect to tell us he is coming at all and is planning on just showing up and "surprising us". His parents did not let us know either so it strikes me as sneaky and certainly not how a friend would handle it. I dont care if he drives another car, although some loyalty would be nice. The problem I have is the badmouthing.

I just am furious and want to tell him and his dumb parents off but you know what? I CANT becuase of my position!
1. Franks wife (oh it is jealousy about the chassis)
2. Secretary of the club (gotta be nice to everyone)
3.Not gonna give them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me

A friend told me once, Hey, maybe WE are the A$$holes! And we always joke about it but I am starting to wonder. I just dont see how giving someone a car to drive makes us one so I have to veto that line of thought in this situation.

Thanks for listening. I will get over it and I will handle it with grace and dignity, things they will never have.

On another note, leaving to go to the inlaws today for my nephews wedding. I will take cake pop pictures and have a good time (I hope).

Hope you guys have a great weekend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WITCHYWOMAN45 9/25/2011 12:35AM

  You might combine the advice of several posters here and also add into any conversation/emails this little item....if the kid didn't appreciate driving a "rebuilt car"... no one made him drive it and no one made him accept any monetary winnings while doing it! Money that was likely yours as owners right? When word gets around about you letting him keep the winnings and that you paid for the engine as well...I don't think anyone with sense is going to believe you are the @**holes.
You don't have to go on the attack, simply say to anyone who speaks with you about the issue that he was compensated well for his driving for the season with the winnings and your purchased the engine from his dad. The word of mouth will spread backwards to the right people. Remember, gossip travels all directions, that's something you can count on in life. Make positive use of the nature of humans by turning it around. Even if only half of the truth gets to anyone important, it's better than you getting angry and showing it to ungrateful people. It's a bit sneaky, but usually very effective. And you get to say things with the grace and dignity you want to show.

Comment edited on: 9/25/2011 12:41:00 AM

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KAMAPERRY 9/24/2011 11:28PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ERIN4771 9/24/2011 6:35AM

    have to say i like sandiegoe johns advice...but remember, i am willing to bust some heads if needed emoticon

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CANNIE50 9/24/2011 2:46AM

    Rise above, baby girl, rise above. For whatever reason, this is your season to deal with betrayals. I find this often happens in life, where some similar things will keep cropping up as if the world is saying "okay, do you get it - have you learned whatever it is you need to be learning?" On a completely unrelated note, my s.i.l. just sent us cakepop's from my nephew's wedding, which we could not attend because it was the same day we moved my 18 y.o. son to college. Of course, I thought of you and your marvelous creations. PS I love SanDiegoJohn's comment/advice - kill 'em with kindness - they will be baffled. emoticon

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KKINNEA 9/24/2011 12:59AM

    So sad that "friends" are treating you this way. I'll be thinking about you and sending strength your way so you can continual to handle in your classy way!

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KRAWRS 9/24/2011 12:34AM

    How frustrating! Ashley and SDJ and some others have some great advice, better than I can say, so I'll just go with "ditto." You know what? You are a strong proud lady. Flaunt it. You know where their loyalties lie now so at least you can stop wasting your friendship on people like that. Just wish them the best and move on. ((hugs))

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GRACEISENUF 9/23/2011 11:27PM

    SANDIEGO JOHN had some great advice there...people can be so damned annoying and ungrateful at times...GRRRR.

Hope you do have a good time at the wedding and everyone enjoys your baking skills and the time you spent making the cake pops.

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RUNNER12COM 9/23/2011 7:31PM

    If you have an email for the family, drop them a note.

"We heard that Joe is driving again this next week. You know it gets busy and crazy and we may not have time to say this in person, so just wanted to tell him to be safe and have a great race."

And leave it at that. They'll know you know they are talking about you, they'll know you are aware he is driving for someone else, and they'll know that none of it bothers you.

And then go, have a great time, and act like they are just anyone else at the track if you see them. No dislike, no like, just... whatever.

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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 9/23/2011 4:26PM

    Reputations are hard to build up and easy to be torn down. I don't think you can allow this to slide under the radar. But, you have to handle it in a way that you don't end up being made to seem like the bad guy or make yourself look worse that he is already doing. So, here is what I propose:
* Speak to him nicely, but let him know you have heard what has been said. Even if he denies it - and human nature is that he will - he may stop his badmouthing after that.
* Do not under any circumstances let him or anyone else make you lose your cool - cause then you look bad, and he or they can say, "See, unreasonable people..."
* Do not go gossiping or badmouthing him to anyone, or again you look like the attacker and the bad guy, and again the negative focus is 'heightened' against you.
* You yourself act in a way that shows who you are, and eventually (hopefully) people will 'know' who you are and who he is.
* If people believe the negative things about you, you have to hold your head up anyway, cause you know who you are.

Wishing you the best.

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DAISY443 9/23/2011 3:37PM

    Enjoy the wedding, ignore the insensitive kid. Those who know you won't care what he says! Hugs!

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PHEFEY 9/23/2011 3:20PM

    I would definitely try to clear it up since it is affecting or could affect your business. Play innocent and make it seem like you would never believe that they would do this (talk bad) and see what they say. Hopefully it'll make them feel guilty or they'll own up to what they were saying, at which point you can make your case. If they deny it and then continue badmouthing you, next time you hear something through the grapevine, just tell the spreader that you asked the family and they denied they said anything. That'll take away their credibility.
Good luck and have fun at the wedding!

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CHELEMIA 9/23/2011 1:26PM

    Hard week for you! Luv you through it all. It may not help but I hope you remember that for each one person you let go of, there are many others waiting in the wings for the opportunity just to meet you and be blessed by your friendship. (like all of us!)

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VAMANOS 9/23/2011 1:15PM

    Read your last blog and this one both just now. This has got to be frustrating for you, as well as sad. Hard to forgive people who talk behind your back. I know it happens to everyone, but I have the luxury of ignoring it most of the time, since it (so far) hasn't/doesn't affect my business.

But I can relate. Some years ago, we received a call from the son of friends that my husband had known since high school. The son was frantic, his parents out of town and he needed $400 that night or would be evicted. Of course we loaned him the $400. But...we didn't hear back from him in however many days he said it would be before he could pay us back. Eventually, we contacted his mom and dad, asking for his phone number, and naturally they wanted to know why, so we told them. Their response was "I wish you hadn't done that. We wouldn't have given him the money." OK, well, sorry, we thought we were doing your son a favor. We never asked them to pay the money back, and we never got it back. We also never heard from them again. They were fun people, and we miss them. It's sad.

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MAMADWARF 9/23/2011 12:55PM

    Great advice, Ashley. Thank you. I just really needed to get it out so I could better see the logic in it once the red of the emotion cleared. I feel much better now and I know that all I can control is me. I am not stunned by this turn of events with these folks and like Bo said, not everyone has the same standards and I cannot expect them to have mine.

I am off to enjoy the wedding and I am grateful for the wise counsel and support I always recieve here. Thank you!

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IMIN2GENES 9/23/2011 12:13PM

    I agree, with Bo and Ashley. Ashley gave you some good advice. I'm not sure ignoring the situation completely will help. I'm so sorry that happened to you! What is it about competitive activities that seem to bring out the worst in some people? Geez! I concur with your veto... I don't think you're the a$$holes in this situation either. I've seen something similar to this happen to my brother in his chosen sport.

Have an awesome time at your nephews wedding!

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/23/2011 12:00PM

    I think Ashley offered great advise.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/23/2011 11:55AM

    Ok, Here is how I feel about this. 1 I agree with crazydogladybo in that some people do not have the same ethical and moral standards that people like you and I do but that is not an excuse 2. I think racing seems to attract those kind of people in larger numbers for some reason 3. I see no reason you can not have a polite conversation with this kid and his family. Maybe something to the effect of "Hey, Frank and I are hearing some pretty awful stuff and people told us you are saying it. Now we wouldn't believe that since we feel there has been no reason for this so what is really going on?" This does 2 things, it will embarrass him for being the low life crapbag that did say all that stuff and it will also make it known you won't be bullied or spoken badly about and you still come off as the better person. Your choice but I don't think ignoring it is the solution and it has clearly greatly upset you. Love you, have fun at the wedding

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/23/2011 11:54AM

    F*ck these people. You deserve better than them. *hugshard* You're gonna have a wonderful time at that wedding :D

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/23/2011 11:44AM

    Ignorant, disrespectful people suck. But they exist. And they're all around us...all the time. Sorry you're yet again having to deal with them. Eff them and the bs they bring and go about your life filled with joy and full of grace. :) And have a blast at the wedding (I can't wait to see the pics)!

- Michelle

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DSBRIDE 9/23/2011 11:35AM

    At least you were able to vent and get it somewhat out of your system. Your friends here understand and support you. Yes we are sorry this happened to you but you must put it aside and move on as anything else will only hurt you more. Don't let it pray on your mind and cause you stress that you really don't need. You are the bigger person and will rise above this. The only thing is do you really still need to call these people your 'friends'?

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/23/2011 11:27AM

    emoticon Not all people have the same standards. Sorry that this happened to you.

Have a wonderful time and nephews wedding!

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The end of a friendship.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I have a friend whom I have known for 15 years. Her son began racing with us when he was only 19 and we rapidly became friends with him and his family. He is an adorable person who has gone on to reach very much success in other forms of racing and is very popular and famous in the Sprint car racing world.

He began with us, racing Dwarf cars and my husband was his mentor. He was a sponge, soaking up information, learning, racing hard and getting better every time. It was not a surprise to see him move on and step up in the ranks.

Anyway, his mom and dad have been great friends for all these years. We have all been through a lot together. They are the kind of people who always want to help and (I will call him D) D loves to be the rescuer, the helper, the savior and the big shot. With all friendships, you accept people the way they are.(I will call her L). L is a loving person but she can also be tough and has a negative word about everyone.

While it was always annoying with D becuase he would contradict Frank in terms of racing or his (leadership) position, we would always shrug it off with an "oh, thats just D". However, in the last few years, he began being toxic. Word was getting back to us how he was discrediting us and actually costing us business. I know the guy and I know he was just "talking" but it was becoming too much. Frank began distancing himself and I remained quiet with L. That just means I was not contacting her and she was not contacting me which was not unusual to go a few months without speaking. Most of our plans were made through the guys friendship and communication.

We have an annual race coming up next week. It is our 16th. For the last 13 years, they have been there. They help cook, sell tickets, T shirts, whatever needs to happen, they are there and I have often thought what I would do without them. It has always been strictly volunteer and friendship.

Last year, at the last minute, we had to move to another track. I was frantically organizing things etc. but we got it handled. Frank hadnt really talked to D for awhile and I had not spoken to L.
I did not invite them to attend and just figured if they showed up, great and if not, that was fine too. I felt I needed to respect my husband more than my friends. (Keep in mind I have never "invited" them, it was just a given).

I left their names at the Pitgate as I always did. They did not attend. The event went great, I had some other volunteers come and they were awesome! Anyway, time went by, it was christmas and I sent out cards as usual and of course, one to D and L. Also during this time, Kady was super sick and her ostomy surgery was scheduled for February. I was updating all of our friends via email about what was going on and they were included).

My sister asked me if I got a card from them and I said no. She was hesitant to tell me that she had received a card as well as a phone call. Ok so now I knew we had a real problem.

When Kady had her surgery (keeping in mind they have know her since she was a little girl), I updated them on the list with all my friends. No word. Then Kady received a get well card and I was encouraged.
In March, I sent D a birthday card. Nothing.
In May, I sent L a birthday card. Nothing.

We have mutual friends and I was telling S that I was sad about the whole thing. He hesitated and then related to me a story that happened last week.

To paraphrase, they were at the event Kady was working at (a race) and S hung out with Kady and her Artie, fed them breakfast and kept an eye on them the whole weekend. On the first day, D was there. S told D Kady and Artie were there and he should go say hi. He went off about what a loser Artie was (Um, no. This kid has stuck by my girl through thick and thin since they were 15!!).
D doesnt even know who Artie is or how sweet and wonderful he is and how we love him like our own son. D never went to see Kady.

So I know now and I am done. I have no more angst over them. It is over and I can move on with the people I know and love and who are loyal.

It is hard for me to write people off. I dont like things left hanging. I dont want to call.I dont want to fight. I dont want to apologize. I just dont....want to continue.

I beleive when someone means something to you and if they hurt you, you should be able to talk about it, work it out etc. I wish L had been able to talk to me about what was going on so we could have fixed it back then. Now, it just seems like too much water under the bridge and our friendship obviously wasnt worth it to her. That does make me sad.

On the other hand ( a Libra's favorite expression), is it good to keep a friendship just out of longevity or from a shared history? I like knowing what they really think of me and my family. It makes it easier to let it go.

So I am letting go. It is not always an instantaneous thing but I imagine a balloon that I am holding. In the balloon is the friendship, the sweetness, the bitterness, the snide remarks, the ability for them to be able to let us go so easily. It is all inside.

I am at the very, tiny, smallest scrap of string now and my fingers are relaxing. I am almost there. All I have to do is move a tiny fraction and it will be gone. Released. Over.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GRACEISENUF 9/23/2011 11:22PM

    That really sucks...this Libra would have taken a giant pin to the balloon....sorry I couldn't resist. The pin would have entered the pic when they snubbed my DD. Like you said they didn't even know her BF.

Sorry Mama you had to go through this.


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MOMOFJTEAM 9/23/2011 12:47PM

    Losing long time friendships is never easy for anyone involved. I loved your analogy of the balloon. I have a similar set of friends but I believe I let the balloon fly away over a year ago... and now have no regrets. Life is too short to surround yourself with negative influences that can do nothing but bring you down. Surround yourself with positive. They will realize what they lost down the road... Hang in there..

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IMIN2GENES 9/23/2011 12:06PM

    I was catching up with my friends and was saddened to read your blog. I'm so sorry for the loss of a friendship. It's sad to know that someone who you were close to can just behave like that. It's hard to let go, even when it's for the best.

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FANGFACEKITTY 9/21/2011 10:15PM

    I'm so sorry you lost your friend without really knowing why or how. emoticon

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SPLASHDOG1 9/21/2011 6:46PM

    So sorry! I believe you have made the right decision. I had something like that happen to me a couple of years ago. She was my best friend for 15 years. We had a fight, she decided we shouldn't be friends anymore. Refused to talk about it etc. It broke my heart, but in the end I thought it was for the best. I guess she wasn't the person I thought she was, maybe she had changed and I was just so used to her being my best friend that I didn't notice? Anyway, there are so many reasons a relationship can go wrong, if you don't have two people who are willing to work at and compromise there's not too much you can do about it. You can know in your heart that you did your best but in the end you had to do what was best for you and your family.

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GRATEFULBOB 9/21/2011 6:13PM


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    I'm sorry. Hang in there.

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BAYBELIEVER 9/21/2011 2:18PM

    Awwwww. I know exactly how you feel. Well, not exactly, I loved the visual with the balloon. I don't make friends easily and hate losing them. But, sometimes it is in our best interest. Sounds like it here. It is time to move on and embrace all those people who bring good, positive energy to your life!

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OJIBWEEQUAY 9/21/2011 2:10PM

    emoticon emoticonMama

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GRYPHON55 9/21/2011 1:46PM

    I do love the idea of the balloon and letting it go with all the hopes and memories and hurt and love that was in that relationship. I'm going through that now with one of my sisters, and it does hurt. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing for you.


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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 9/21/2011 12:58PM

    I am so sorry emoticon

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REBECCAMA 9/21/2011 12:03PM

  Wow... looks like I am late on this... sorry for your loss. It's hard to let go of a friendship, even when it's the right thing to do.

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/21/2011 11:33AM


I'm sorry your friendship has run its course...

Just know you are loved by many!

- Michelle

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WINDSWEPTACRES 9/21/2011 11:33AM

    I feel your sadness in having to let go of a long-term friendship. What a shame these people couldn't be honest with you about what was going on with them. Sometimes we are friends with people because we fill a mutual need. When the situation changes, the friendship is stressed, sometimes to breaking. Maybe you grew in ways they could not understand.

It took me years to accept that my family will never see me as a competent grown person in charge of my own life, although I do think once you hit menopause, you're probably as mature as you're going to get. Phone calls to them would leave me unsettled for days. Once I accepted that it just was that way, I stopped calling them. They don't mean to be toxic, and maybe for someone else, they wouldn't be. But this is my life, and I'm entitled to include or exclude people based on my needs as well as theirs.

As your little red balloon drifts away, may it open your life to more friendships.

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MISSMINDY6 9/21/2011 9:09AM

    I have to agree with you on letting go. Over the years I've had to do it several times - even with family members. A shared history and memories of good times in the past doesn't mean a perpetual continuation of a relationship that turns toxic. I like that word 'toxic' to describe these situations. It reminds you that for your own health & well-being you need to avoid those relationships. Hold on to the good memories. These people are not 'evil' and you do not 'hate' them. It is simply in the best interest of you & your family that the situation be over.

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MISSFORTE 9/21/2011 6:57AM

    I am sorry to hear about this I have had 2 sit like this in the past couple years and i had to make best decisions for my Husband and I. there are times things will remind of of them (they were closer than family) and we still take about them but it got so unhealthy we just stop communicating nobody making it official it just happened. Sadly our friends Dad died we contacted with condolences and he basically told us not to attend the funeral we could always go another time to the grave site. that was pretty darn harsh. that told me that was severed.

Just keep your husband and family closest they are who matter the most!


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KKINDE 9/21/2011 6:49AM

    Sometimes people that we allow into our lives are there to teach us what we will and will not tolerate. Sounds like your deserve level - meaning you decided you and your family deserve better - was raised through this situation. It hurts, but you deserve friends that respect you, and encourage you and your family! (like us sparkers!)

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ERIN4771 9/21/2011 6:42AM

    it;s never easy when faced with this type of situation, and i am sorry to hear it even got to that point for you! it's hard to let go of people, but, i also think it's important to surround yourself with people that are positive, and bring out the best in us....i know it's hard for you right no, but, you did what was best for you and your family, and there is nothing wrong with that at all....of course the aries in me is all fired up and wants to beat those people up because they hurt you, but, i will digress emoticon

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DAISY443 9/21/2011 5:34AM

    You did all you could to salvage the relationship! It sounds as though these people are jealous and were never the true friends you thought they were. Now you can move on with few regrets, but it is always hard to lose a friend. Big hugs!

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BIGMAMAT 9/21/2011 12:12AM

    I am a fixer too mama, but sometimes the only way to fix it is to let go. I am sure that D Wouldn't have said that if he thought it would get back to you. Unfortuantely he shouldn't have said it at all and I am glad your other friend shed the light on what is truly going on. They are not worth one tiny second of grief. Let go. Love to you. T emoticon

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KAMAPERRY 9/20/2011 10:56PM

    I am so sorry. I know that hurts. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LUVDOGZ 9/20/2011 10:12PM

    I am sorry emoticon. It hurts, and it is sad, and it is truly their loss. I am glad you have so many good memories. Take care of yourself.

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HDHAWK 9/20/2011 8:37PM

    It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you've made the right decision. You have to do what's best for you.

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PJH2028 9/20/2011 7:52PM

    Tough stuff, this.
I'm getting better at it (at age 53), but I still want continuity with people I've shared important times with, I tend to seek confirmation that friendship and family are connected. Sometimes they are. Sometimes not. Sometimes they are for a time. And then.... ShiFt Happens, things change. All things are not equal or reciprocal. Peacemakers (my version of Leo) and Libras (balancers and on-the-other-handers). Who the f knows, hey. Letting go is the smartest thing to do. You can't control what is coming together or falling a part.

I emailed AGAIN a woman I still consider my friend (good friend? i love and admire her... but then is "good friend" about admiration or time spent or both????) Our lives have not intersected at all and they used to a lot. It HURT me to not be in touch. And then I let go. I will never know.

And when/if I see her-- I believe I will CHOOSE to focus on the positive of what I always admired about her. And hope that she sends me authentic vibes too. And... nope... we will no longer be "close". A loss. Yes. But .... so it goes.

By so many.
Time moves on.
Things change.
It's all good.

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/20/2011 6:47PM

    Oh Jan, I'm sorry. Letting go of a toxic relationship id so difficult, but sometimes necessary. *HUGS*

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COMPASS_ROSE 9/20/2011 6:21PM

    Anything toxic must eventually be purged. SD John is absolutely correct -- keep the good memories. We can love and learn in every relationship we have both good and bad. In this relationship you learned that you are worthy of being treated better among other things. The balloon analogy is excellent! I know this must have been incredibly difficult given the length of time that you have known these people but some people are only in our lives for a season. Best wishes to you and your family. Hang in there! Always keep looking up!


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PROVERBS31JULIA 9/20/2011 5:51PM

    ahhh this could be what I need to do with toxic family and toxic friends... make a big huge balloon bouquet...let it all fly away, and enjoy the beauty of the good memories I do have as I enjoy the sight of the pretty balloon colors free in the breeze... It's like that internet poem about friends are just there for a season... some longer, some shorter. You learn what you are supposed to learn and I guess they learn or they don't learn but at least they are gone from your life right now when you really don't need to hear and see their rude comments and behaviors and all of that.


emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TINYDANCER 9/20/2011 5:48PM

    I am saddened by your relationship ending as I had one similiar yet different that ended and damn it hurts. I do believe sometimes it is the best for everyone to let go of the string. Great analogy.

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KKINNEA 9/20/2011 5:46PM

    Sounds awful, I think you did the right thing in just letting them go.

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RUNNER12COM 9/20/2011 5:22PM

    Great analogy. And yes, letting go means letting go of any future good that might come from a relationship with those people. Only you know if that is worth it. Sounds like the answer is very clear to you.

What doesn't have to go away with that balloon are the good memories. Those are yours to keep forever.

Hang in there!

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GO-LOEW 9/20/2011 5:10PM

    I too love your balloon analogy. I definitely need to put a relationship in the balloon and let it go. My brother told me one time to "stop biting at their tires", like a little dog running after a car yipping and biting.

Thanks for your story because it helped me see myself a bit, and I am one of the toxic ones. I have been struggling with these two people in my life. I am not nice when I am around these folks and am pushy and way over the top on my advice and help (or that's what I call it.) The past few days I have decided that I need to back away from this couple and stay out of their business. The man is rude, and I can't seem to let it pass. The woman has become a door mat to him, and I can't seem to let that pass either. So I have decided to pass on seeing much of them. Your blog sort of confirmed that that is a good decision for me and for them.

Gotta go blow up my balloon and stuff the relationship inside.

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KRAWRS 9/20/2011 5:07PM

    My heart is so sad reading this. I know all too well how difficult it is to let go of a friendship. I also know all too well how neccessary it is sometimes. There's no rule against loving them for who they were all those years, but still cutting the tie to the people they have become. Do what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Wishing you courage and PEACE in this hard decision you are making.

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DESERTFLOWER8 9/20/2011 4:59PM

    I am sorry for your sadness. I have had experiences in my life that are similar. The end of a friendship can come with or without warning, but inevitably, something inside tells you it is right for it to end, and knwoing that allows you to feel your grief, and move forward with peace.

"People come in to our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime".

We never know, until we know, which it is...each has its place...

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JOMAMA99 9/20/2011 4:53PM

    I am sorry you have to deal with this. I think you are making the best choice possible for yourself. Sometimes friendships are not worth the effort it takes to keep it alive, especially toxic ones. emoticon

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    I can totally relate to this. Me and my husband have been friends with a couple for years. Just recently they started acting strange and then they didn't invite us to their wedding. I was very hurt but I am letting it go. It's no use holding on to people who don't love you the way you love/loved them. I am glad that you are able to do do that. It's their loss not yours or your family's.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/20/2011 4:29PM

    It's hard to move on but I have learned toxic people who have an ugly word for everyone will always make your life miserable. People will see it and know everything he says is bull and he will end up very lonely. How sad. Good for you for removing yourself from that kind of environment. You always have me. Love you.

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CALIPIDGIOUS 9/20/2011 4:28PM

    As a Libra, I can back up our favorite saying, I find it extremely difficult to make those decisions but it sounds to me that they made the decision quite some time ago and you just simply accepted it as for the best!

Now you can focus on those who are loyal and who deserve the friendship you have to offer!

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/20/2011 4:26PM

    I am so sorry to hear this Mama. It's hard enough having fights with friends, but I find the passive ones without any words the hardest. And to see how they acted towards Kady and Artie makes me furious, AND that they had no kind words to offer during Kady's health problems, especially after how wonderful and welcoming you were to their son. F8ck them - you deserve so much better.


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CANNIE50 9/20/2011 4:24PM

    Oh, how I LOVE your balloon analogy - love it! I will be calling on this wisdom of yours when I inevitably have to let go of a relationship. I have noticed, as I get older, I am so much more accepting of relationships ending or changing. There are so few relationships that last from "cradle to grave". In order to make way for new (and in many cases healthier), we have to let go of old. You can hold your head up about how you conducted yourself. You hung in there longer than other people did, I bet. You are a treasure of a friend (and your family sounds just as wonderful as you). They were blessed by your friendship and maybe someday they will have the perspective to see this. emoticon

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SLFRISBEY 9/20/2011 4:18PM

    Oh Mama, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am glad you are moving on though and not holding on to the toxic relationship. (((hugs)))

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MILADYTRACY 9/20/2011 4:10PM

    I think your blog is very sad; it is difficult to know when to let go, sometimes. If your friendship causes nothing but pain, perhaps you've made the right choice. Only you can decide if forgiveness is worth the effort. emoticon for your pain.

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Why I think it's awesome you are doing a challenge and why I am not.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I have been home a few days (from vacation) and have noticed many people posting stats and goals for various challenges. The 5% fall challenge, the PMP challenge, the BLC... and I am standing and applauding all of you.

I have done a few challenges since I have been here for the past year and half and they are super motivating and very helpful. I still go back to some of the excercies I did in the spring challenge.

I truly believe that joining a challenge is a great way to jump start or continue your progress. I think it motivates you because you are competing, if not with others then at least with yourself. Plus it is fun to see how your buddies are doing and to see the progress in your weight loss and in your body. It is fun to see how strong you are compared to even last week!

So, are you thinking or asking "Jan, if you think it is so great, what challenge are you doing? Let's hear about how you are amping up your weight loss and getting fitter!! Or, wait, are you STILL at 70 pounds down? What, has this been like 2 months since you have lost the same 5 pounds? hrmpppph, some motivator you are!!!!"

I am not doing a challenge. If I was, I would probably do the PMP challenge although the 5% challenge sounds good too. But I am not doing one and here is why. It is not an excuse or a cop out, it is just the reality.

I do not have time to commit to one right now. For the last month and through the end of this month, I simply cannot do it. I do not half A$$ things so I am not going to sign up, try to fit it in, feel bad, not have time to participate and otherwise set myself up for failure. I am not doing it.

I would like to do a challenge in October just to keep my focus through the holidays (GAH... The HOLIDAYS??????? WTF???) and I am thinking I am going to reach out to some of my closest sparkies and see if we can do a mini challenge. Just a small thing every week to keep us on track and motivated to keep losing. It is not going to be a big deal but it will be enough. I just cannot do a big deal right now.

I still have a wedding for a nephew this week (a weekend away with a huge bunch of foodies and me making 100 cake pops), then my 50th birthday on the 28th and then we go to a racetrack for 4 days where I cook outside for 300 people for 3 days, dont get enough rest, drink too much and generally have a blast. Then I come home. And things will slow down and I will be happy for fall to come and ease me into the next season.

So that is why I am not doing a challenge and why I think you should. Cause Mama says so.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 9/20/2011 9:07PM

    I love this blog! Your life sound like it's plenty full of challenge and fun right now. I totally respect you for keeping it real and not over-commiting. I'm like you - it's all or nothing!

Happy Birthday - a little early!

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SARAWALKS 9/19/2011 5:45PM

    Yep, sometimes life is challenge enough. hang in there Jan! emoticon

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SEESTARS 9/19/2011 2:27PM

    Your life sounds like an challenge! Weave through 100 cake pops, Flip those 300 burgers (faster, faster, faster), dodge that holiday pie! I'm exhuasted.

I'm not one for the SP challenges. I tried one last fall but just stressed myself out because my weight loss is so slow. So I gotta do it my own way. But I love to see the progress photos and war stories of those folks who do take of the challenges.

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KRAWRS 9/19/2011 1:04PM

    I joined the 5% challenge! I've joined challenges before, but like you were saying, I didn't commit fully due to time or other constraints and set myself up for failure. This time, I am doing it for real. I don't want to do a challenge every day all the time, but I am using this to help jumpstart accountability. Best of all, it fits into my current plan so I'm not doing anything I wouldn't already be doing... but like I said, it'll hold me accountale. Good for you for doing whats best for you AT THIS MOMENT! xoxo

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LUVDOGZ 9/19/2011 10:34AM

    emoticonMama, you are emoticon

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CANNIE50 9/18/2011 9:26PM

    I knew SP was different, and I would approach it differently when, early on, I joined a mini-challenge to eat NO sugar and then I immediately had to contact the Sparkfriend I had to committed to, and "un-commit" aka quit. I realized I tend to eat anything and everything when I cut out sugar in the name of "oh, I can eat this because it is NOT sugar". That said, I would love to join you in a challenge. I respect you not doing anything now because you clearly cannot commit the time and energy. I have gotten better at that as I have gotten older - I don't have as many "time fantasies" about how much I can squish into my life at any given point. I am SO glad you are back. PS How about a little food porn - will you, pretty please, post pictures of the pops?

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RICHILA 9/18/2011 9:22PM

    Woman-You've lost 70 pounds!!!!! That is so emoticon

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CELLISTA1 9/18/2011 8:45PM

    Okay, I challenge you NOT to be so honest, sensible, fun-loving, hard-working, generous, and hilarious.

Just kidding...

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SCHENPOSSIBLE 9/18/2011 8:38PM

    Happy early birthday! emoticon

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CHELEMIA 9/18/2011 7:43PM

    I hear GUILT talking!!
Mama you are doing awesome!
I don't know how you are still in the 5lb range.
I totally loss control on 1 activity.
You have had and will have probably 1 activity every 3 days!!!!!
and you are holding!!!!!!
Challenges are great if you put alot in..
I just did one and did not feel I put my all in.
So I agree.
the challenges are for those who are ready and at the right place for it.
Not everyone is....
Luv ya and enjoy responsibly!!!

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TURTLERASKIN 9/18/2011 7:32PM

    This is exactly right -- we're all essentially doing this on our own, finding the right way to live our lives. And you're smart not to overload yourself with one more thing to make you feel guilty.

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/18/2011 7:28PM

    Glad to hear you know your limits, babe. XOXOXOXOXO

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VAMANOS 9/18/2011 7:16PM

    I let myself be persuaded to do one again this fall, and I truly love the people on my team. But I constantly have to tell myself that the challenge police are not going to get me if I choose other exercise besides what is implied as expected. This one is better than in the past...leadership has changed and it's a little more laid back. Still, I wish I could spread the two hikes I plan this week, 3+ miles up and down hills carrying a 10-lb pack full of water, and nearly 1000 calories burned on each, over the full week. This week's inter-team challenge is to walk every day. Let me tell you, my legs need a rest in between. So I'm not doing it and I refuse to feel guilty. We each have only ourselves to answer to, and that's the way it should be.

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KAMAPERRY 9/18/2011 6:50PM

    That is why I don't do one. I don't have the time to do it justice.

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DAISY443 9/18/2011 6:40PM

    No challenge for me right now, unless you get yours going! Love challenges, but often they include things I cannot accomplish and I WILL not cheat!

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I'm Home From the cruise!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

HI Guys!! I missed ya and hope you are all well.

WE had an amazing, hilarious, ridiculously fun time. I have over 200 pictures and I am not sure which ones I can even
The first day on the boat, well, let's just say we partied and hit it hard and the next day we went to Catalina and walked around and looked at stuff.

Then we went out that night to one of the dance bars and it went like this:

Wednesday was our day in Mexico. It began with Mimosa's on the boat and it went on from there....

We made new friends. This is Amanda. She is the A$$ shaking champion of the world! and we danced. On the pole.
and then it was time to get back to the boat.
But we didn't stop partying. Oh no, we kept going.

The next day was a day at sea. SO relaxing and recovering.

Then, what is this? Fruity rum drinks in a blow fish? Yes, Please!

and hanging in the hot tub. Here are my girls with their boys

And then the next day it was time to come home. It went sooo fast!
I danced many, many, many hours.
I laughed so hard my abs ache.
I ate really randomly and didnt keep track of one thing.
I drank more than I have in probably 30 years.

What did that get me? 9 extra pounds, fantastic memories (and even better pix that I couldnt even post here), a wayyyy smaller bank account balance and I wouldn't have done one thing differently.

I came home to my house cleaned, my animals happy and a weekend of recovery. Thanks to my sister Becky for taking care of everything.

My plan for the week is water, water, water. Eating light and right and then Friday I have a weekend away for a nephews wedding (they just now asked me to make 100 cake pops so I will be baking this week, too) and I still have my birthday on the 28th and then the 4 day race event that I host coming up.

Even amongst all the madness, through the haze of hilarity and alcohol, I still made pretty good choices for the most part. I know this has been ingrained in me and even if I dont have the tools that I love and use, I can still do this. SO! Did I miss anything???

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKINNYPOWELL1 9/20/2011 12:53PM

    Looks like a fantastic time, sign me up for next year. The blowfish was pretty tasty, but fav was the yellow bird.

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/19/2011 12:32PM

    Oh Jan - I so wanna hang with you and your crew! You are definitely my people! LOLOL!! :)

Your cruise sounds as though it was absolutely fabulous! Live with no regrets, girl - that's the only way to do it.

Have a GREAT day!

- Michelle

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CANNIE50 9/18/2011 9:21PM

    My favorite photos are of you holding the blowfish drink and giving a sassy over the shoulder smolder of a glance, and the one of your toes staring out at the ocean. Oh, my toes are SO green with envy.....

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KARIRDH3 9/18/2011 7:16PM

    Welcome back! looks like you had a FABULOUS time! Great pictures :)

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TERRYT55 9/18/2011 1:55PM

    It looks like you had the best time ever!

I loved all of the pictures.....especially the pole dancing picture.

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KAMAPERRY 9/18/2011 12:26PM

    Love the pole dancing! You can lose the pounds but not the memories!

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ALOFA0509 9/18/2011 11:40AM

    What a blast!!!! love the pole pix emoticon

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CELLISTA1 9/17/2011 7:20PM

    You must be one of those drunk, happy, noisy people who make me feel really BORRRRING and stuck-up.

Oh, pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

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    I am so glad you had a great time!


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JOMAMA99 9/17/2011 4:47PM

    Glad you are home and thanks for sharing the photos. It looks like you and your family had a blast!

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DAISY443 9/17/2011 4:04PM

    My guess is the weight loss won't be that much in few days! Wonderful vacation, great pics, good friend!

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GRACEISENUF 9/17/2011 3:11PM

    Glad you are home safe and sound. A few days of water and being home and that vacay weight will be history.

I leave in the am for Disneyland for hubs birthday and I am looking forward to five days with just my honey. Our timeshare condo has a gym/pool so I plan to hit those and walking will be plentiful at the park.

See ya when I get back (just in time for both our birthdays, lol!)

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/17/2011 2:08PM

    Looks like you had a great time! Welcome home!

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TURTLERASKIN 9/17/2011 1:59PM

    Wow! Glad you're back and had a great time!

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DIVASPARK 9/17/2011 1:30PM

    You look great and glad you had a wonderful time !

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COOKWITHME65 9/17/2011 1:18PM

    Just emoticon! Love the pole dancing. emoticon

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CALIPIDGIOUS 9/17/2011 1:13PM

    It sounds far better than any vacation I have ever had! So glad you enjoyed yourself and have the pics to prove it!~

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/17/2011 12:56PM

    Glad you had so much fun!!! Did you buy me one of those blowfish so I can drink tasty beverages, I mean water, out of one at home?

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CHELEMIA 9/17/2011 12:42PM

    I am so glad you had fun! You're energy level and endurance has improved so this week you can continue with longer times for exercise. And you definitely deserved the time away!!

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Leaving in the morning...

Sunday, September 11, 2011

SO tomorrow morning (early-cause vacations always start early dont they). we will leave for Los Angeles to board the cruise ship. My daughters and their boys, my neice and her boyfried, our friend and his daughter and 7 of Kady's friend and her family.

I am packed with cute outfits for the evening, a bathing suit and some casual shorts and stuff. Without revealing how clever I am and how MUCH I really want to share with you how smart I think I am, we are working around the NO ALCOHOL bringing on board rule. The kids are on a tight budget and having their own at least during the day will save a LOT of money so we will see how this goes.

I have a plan about eating, a plan about excercise but the most important thing is going to be having a fun, relaxing time and making some memories.
I will take a lot of pictures so you can see when we get back how much fun we had and how fantastic I

I will miss logging in and spinning the wheel etc but my cell wont work on the ship. I am going to use their internet mid week so I may pop in to say hi. I will miss all your blogs, updates and encouragement so if anything happens, please post it on my page so I can keep up with you.

I will be back on Friday evening so will check in then.

When I am dancing, I will think of you and wish you were with me having this much fun.
When I am at the buffet, I will think of you and that will help me be strong. When I am excercising I will think of you and be proud of myself, knowing you would be proud of me too.
When I am enjoying my family and laughing and being crazy, I will think of you and know you would think we were funny too.

You are my friends and I do not say that lightly. Thank you for the support. Be safe, stay true to yourself, work hard and when I get back, let's challenge each other!!

Anchors aweigh!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOONBIRD 9/16/2011 5:07PM

    I hope you had a great time!

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COOKWITHME65 9/12/2011 9:18PM

    Enjoy your trip. Sounds like so much fun.

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KARIRDH3 9/12/2011 5:47PM

    Have a fantastic vacation!!!

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BIGMAMAT 9/12/2011 5:20PM

    Looking forward to your return my beautiful sparkfriend! Take lots of pictures. xoxoxo T emoticon

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JOMAMA99 9/12/2011 9:55AM

    Have a great time!

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    Have a wonderful time and I cannot wait to hear all about it - and more importantly, see all the pictures of it!!! LOL! Enjoy every second and live it up!!!!!! :)

- Michelle

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KAMAPERRY 9/11/2011 6:08PM

    Have a wonderful time~!

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COMPASS_ROSE 9/11/2011 5:19PM

    Bon Voyage! Have a wonderful time and SP will be here waiting when you get back. I love cruises! I am literally counting the days until my next one....December 17th. See... LOL Seriously, enjoy the trip and time with your family. Try to squeeze in a little walking too.


emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/11/2011 5:19:18 PM

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KRAWRS 9/11/2011 5:08PM

    I don't know why, but when I saw the title of this blog, I instantly thought of this:

Dunno why... other than that you're leaving... but it made me lol. Anyway, HAVE FUN! You'll do great, just enjoy yourself and put your plan in action! Bon voyage!

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TALLGUY42 9/11/2011 4:50PM

    Bon Yoyage!

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JETTANALA 9/11/2011 3:48PM

    have a great time! I love cruises!

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HGSGUY 9/11/2011 12:23PM

    Bon Voyage, hope you have calm seas and a great time!

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CANNIE50 9/11/2011 11:45AM

    Well, since we know you are sneaky and clever, I have no doubt you will be clever about sneaking in exercise throughout the cruise. Just think how good you will feel about your vacation when you end it feeling healthy and rested and filled with great memories. I cannot wait to hear all about it. Bon Voyage!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CALIPIDGIOUS 9/11/2011 11:38AM

    Hope you have a fantastic time! Travel safely!

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DAISY443 9/11/2011 11:36AM

    have a great time! Happy smuggling! Hugs!

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GRACEISENUF 9/11/2011 11:36AM

    I hope you have a fantastic time Jan and that many memories are made that last a lifetime.

So excited for you!


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ERIN4771 9/11/2011 10:51AM

    have an awesome time!!!!

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TERRYT55 9/11/2011 10:32AM

    Hope you have the best trip ever! Enjoy every minute.


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BRIAEL 9/11/2011 10:28AM

    Oh Jan, it sounds like you have a plan for success there!

Enjoy the cruise, have fun and let that hair right down! :)

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BADASSBLONDIE 9/11/2011 10:07AM

    I hope you have an absolutely WONDERFUL trip! I am so so so so HAPPY for you!!!

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