Saturday, February 19, 2011
Once upon a time, there was a woman who wore rose colored glasses. They made the world a beautiful, hazy place where things were bright, happy, and wonderful. She loved those glasses and wore them every day. They took the harsh edges off the sometimes cruel world and changed the reality to something she wanted to see.
One day she forgot to put her glasses on and she went about her day. She began to see things as they really were, and not the sunny, distorted place she wanted to see. So many things began to appear before her that she found interesting and not as bad as she thought they might be. Until she found herself gazing at her image in the mirror.
There, the reality was unkind. She was not "fluffy", she was fat. She was not "Bigger" she was huge. SHe was not "sturdy", she was obese. She stared at her image and it burned into her brain.
As she went back to her castle that day, she couldn't wait to get her glasses back on. But those images of her bothered her and by the time she got back to the safety of her glasses, she knew.
She knew she had to change, to try to get that "real" image closer to the image from the rose colored glasses.
So she began. She joined Sparkpeople, tracked her food, began to excercise and gradually, her shape began to change. She met many fair maidens and noble knights who encouraged her along her way. She kept those rose colored glasses in her night stand and did not put them on.
She missed those glasses, though. Sometimes the glare of the real world was too much and she longed to put the glasses on and soften the edges. But she was different now and she was trying to learn to live without them. The journey was a hard one at times.Sometimes people didn't understand that she was sad. She clearly saw the sadness and struggles that happened to people she knew and loved.
She was a naturally optomistic lady but sometimes it was a bit too difficult to remember to enjoy the sunshine, rainbows and unicorns when the clouds and thunderstorms hit.
One day, she put the glasses on again. She was having a bad day and needed a break from the life that was now hers. As she looked at her castle, her world, her self, she realized that she wanted to see the world in a clear light, she wanted to see the real her. She realized that those glasses had not simply softened the edges, they had indeed altered the reality. There had to be a balance! Perhaps a lighter shade of pink? A less intense shade?
So she did some tinkering and came up with the right combination. It allowed her to remain optomistic, to see the world in a palatable way that she could manage, yet showed her the reality and the beauty in what actually IS.
A friend reminded her to count her blessings and she would get through the challenges ahead and now she can have her glasses and also have the real world,too. It is not as scary as she thought and she finds that she can manage just fine. Although she still has a way to go to get where she wants to be, she can smile while she gets there.
Plus, she looks fantastic with and without her glasses and so does the rest of the world.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Yesterday, Frank and I were in the office and all of a sudden, this thought came into my mind. "Let's play hooky, and go to the movies!". I was in the middle of paying bills and Frank was working on an estimate so I tell him what I am thinking and he goes," Oh my god, I was JUST thinking that". (This is not the first time he has implanted ideas telepathically into my brain!) and we both started cracking up. So after lunch, we went to the movies and saw The Eagle (Roman quest movie) with that darling Channing Tatum (less clothes next time, please!). It was fun to sneak away and have some time just for us.
It is these little things that keep us sane, keep us friends and relieve some of the stress of life. Just a small thing but it was fun.
I have lost the weight I gained (except for .6 lbs) on vacation and I am determined to hit 229 before I head to the hospital on the 28th with Kady. That is my mantra: 229, 229, 229 cause I have been in the 230's FOREVER!!!
I have already started compiling some of the snacks I am going to take with me so I stay out of the vending machines during that time, like Luna bars and fiber plus bars and at least at the hospital they have salad bars and fresh fruit so I will be ok and of course, stick to my rule of one soda a day and water the rest of the time. I figure by walking around the perimeter of the hospital, that will be a mile or more and it will be a good stress reliever to, so I can do that a few times a day.. So I have a plan for that week.
This week however, I have several food related situations that will be challenging:
Saturday: Baby shower during the day (yea, I made the cake balls for it. Maybe I will post some pix for you).
Saturday: Crab feed at night (best pasta and french bread EVER! Will keep the salad in front of me!)
Sunday: Daytona 500 party. I am making sweet and sour meatballs (I can have 6) and spinach dip (I am making it fat free, they wont even notice!). Stay away from cheese (will picture MAIA for strength!)
Wednesday: All day Dr. appts to prepare for Kady's surgery. Which means lunch at a restaurant. Will try for a Chili's or Applebee's where they have great low cal options.
Thursday: 5 course Dinner Theater show in San Francisco for our wedding anniversary and to have fun before surgery. (Teatro Zanzinni) with Frank, Kelly and Kady. It is a kinda crazy play meets cirque de soleil type show and we are really looking forward to it!
Saturday: Racing meeting at a pizza parlor.
Uh, yeah. (*Headesk!* Thanks to HIS_BLONDIE for the visual). It is going to take planning, strength, and determination to dodge these mine fields. Can I do it?
Someone bet me cause that will help me stay on track and keep me focused.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
First of all, thank you, each one of you, for your sweet comments, support, goodies and love. I appreciate it so much and it has touched me deeply. TRULY deeply. I am gathering strength (and stoicism, robin!) from all of you. I feel bolsted up, I really do.
Now I want to talk about walnuts.
What the hell! 26 grams of fat???? In 22 walnut halves???Seriously? I dont care if it is good fat, I am never snacking on them again. No friggin wonder they taste so good! Walnuts are the devil!!! POO!! I keep thinking of the things I could have eaten with that much fat in them and walnuts do NOT make the cut, beleive DAT!
Today, I made a yummy fruit salad with fresh pineapple, strawberries, watermelon and apples. I am so excited about the upcoming fresh fruit and veggie season. It makes it easier for me to get my fruits in when it is all salad-y and cut up.
And here is something weird:
Last week when we went down south riding, I bought some green, (organic) bananas, figuring they would turn ripe within a few days, like any other ordinary banana. Apparantly, these are some sort of super strain that refuses to get ripe because it has been a WEEK and they are still GREEN! It is really weird and I spend a lot of time each day looking at them wondering when they are going to turn yellow. I will let you know when they become edible. Again, its weird.
So, I hope you are all well, eating good and doing your workouts cause we are busy people but we are putting ourselves right up there in the top 5 list of our lives and getting healthy, right? Right. Love you guys, really, really, really I do.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
When did I start buying this?
Instead of this?
I have definatly changed but baby, I still have a way to go.
I am in a weird headspace right now. I am trying not to withdraw and just feel what I am feeling but it is a hard balance with trying to be strong for my family, trying not to stuff my feelings down with food and damn it, I miss my cookies that help me through the hard times.
I am so concerned about Kady's upcoming surgery and trying not to stress out but as a mom, it is soo difficult.
We had quite a little moment today. She has been a whirlwind of activity lately, trying to cram as much into her life as possible before her body is altered permanently. (She is having an ileostomy Feb. 28th and will have an ostomy bag for the rest of her life). Her boyfriend took her away this weekend to the Kabuki Hotel in Japan town in San Francisco. They had a beautiful upgraded room, a fabulous dinner and a wonderful time. Today, we were talking and I told her how happy I was that they were able to do that. (I know some moms would have a problem with their 20 year old daughter going to a hotel with her boyfriend but they have been together since they were 15 and I am not stupid, so yea I assume there is a sexual relationship).
I was telling her how happy I was that they could be together privately before everything changed (and I mean it!) and I got choked up thinking of how much that time must have meant to the two of them. She started to tear up and we both couldnt even look at each other as we started to cry and she forbid me to say anything emotional to her for the next 2 weeks! We both started laughing. I cannot promise I won't say anything emo to her but man, I will sure feel like it. I am doing my best to respect her wishes and be strong for her so she can be strong too.
So if I am a little quiet, that is why. I am here, logging, tracking, eating ok and excercising and reading blogs even if I dont have a lot of time to comment. I am working double time to get things in order before I am at the hospital for a week so that means paying things, ordering things, scheduling things etc. for work so I can be there for my girl.
Love you guys... Me.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Hi guys, got home about 5. Had a great time in the desert of southern california at an event called "king of the hammers" which is basically driving around in the dirt in our toys with other crazy people. There are these huge long races and rock crawling vehicles that look like something out of Mad Max. I have a link to my facebook if you want to see pictures of the trip.
We drove down with one of our friends in his Rv and he sweetly gave us his big bed and he slept on his couch so we had all the comforts of home. Shared cooking duties with our friends so she made breakfasts each day and I did dinners. Took sandwiches with us when we went riding for the day. I enjoyed my captain morgan and diet pepsi and it was nice to not have to be the designated driver. I took a few walks, ate fairly well but still went over my calories and such but again, like you read every time I go somewhere, life (and Captain) happen. Back to walking the dog this week and staying in range and anything I gained, I will lose.
Tomorrow is Valentines day which does not mean the same thing to me as it does to most people. 5 years ago, my dad passed away on Valentines day. It was really fitting tho becuase my mom had been dead for 12 years at that point. He grieved for her as much the day she died as the day he went to join her. They had a remarkable love. It always seemed kind of perfect that he passed away on the "day of love". I will buy cards and small gifts for my girls tomorrow and of course, my hubby. I have strict instructions for no candy to be brought into the house for me tomorrow. Please. A girl can only take so much.
So tomorrow I will be grateful for true love in my life. Past and present. I wish the same for you all too. Talk tomorrow, ok? love ya!
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