Wednesday, February 02, 2011
I have been thinking alot about rebellion lately. Especially how that affects us and our goals to get healthy. I am a bit of rebel. I know, shocking, right? I have never liked being told what to do and in fact, that would usually make me fly off and do the exact opposite. If you told me I CAN'T do something, well, just consider it done.
If you tell me I SHOULD do something, then pretty much it ain't gonna happen.
I dont know why I am like that but as I have grown older, I have backed off a bit. I began to understand that some things needed to be done whether I liked it or not. That the world was not about me. I found that out when I was 19 years old and my first husband died. It was a shock that such a thing could happen to ME! I mean, these things happen to OTHER people, not me.
But it did happen and I proceeded to live a very wild and careless life, a reckless life that considered nobody but me. I mean, I was in PAIN. I deserved to find relief anywhere I could, right? I did not consider the affects of that wild life, the pain I caused my parents and others who cared about me. It was destructive and selfish.
Then, at 23, my next choice (to punish myself over guilt over not being a very good wife to my first husband, I came to realize later), I married someone who ended up abusing me. My rebellion was gone. I had no fight left. I SUBMITTED becuase that was what a wife was supposed to. Or so I thought. He almost had me. He really did. I was down as far as I could possibly go. No self esteem left, no fight, fat and unhappy. Stuck. Then I had my daughter Kelly.
Talk about a spark. The MINUTE I had her, that little spark of fire lit up like the 4th of July and I started planning our escape. There was no way in hell I was going to let her live like that, to have a mom so weak and so crushed. I started coming back and that was when my rebellion saved me. It propelled me out and away and I never looked back.
Frank was my first love, we were always in touch and he was the ONE I always compared every man to. He was my dream man: strong, funny, tough, devoted, hard working, sexy. There was always a gravitational pull with us, an electricity that nobody could deny when we were together (he was my brother in law's best friend so we were always around each other and I had known him since I was 14). By the time Kelly was 8 months old, we were together and he is the only father she has ever known. He adopted her, we got married, had Kady and the rest is history. I am where I belong.
Although this is not the blog I intended to write, I am letting it flow. I think Rebellion (when it is for selfish purposes) is so destructive. It leads us into areas where we make horrible choices just to do what we want to do, no matter how it hurts other people. Or ourselves. That is not ok. Eating a bag of cookies because we WANT it, is not ok. Getting fatter and fatter, worrying our families becuase we dont want anyone to tell us different, is destructive and worse, it is selfish. It is the little kid in us, digging in our heels. It is childish, immature and silly. It HURTS us. There is no benefit. Time to put the big girl and boy panties on and suck it up, Sally.
Being rebellious when someone tells us we can't lose weight or run or get healthy, well now, THAT is when we can USE it to our advantage. That dig-in-your-heels-I-wil-show-you-Buddy mentality, that is when we want to be that rebel. That is when we want to fly and when we are sailing past, we want to wave and smile and say Thank you for the motivation. Becuase NOBODY is going to keep us down, It is facing adversity with defiance and saying "oh Hell, no. That is NOT how it is going to be" and best of all, being able to bring that little kid out and firmly state "You are not the boss of me!" Because you are the boss of you. And dont you forget it.
Balance, people. Balance.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
I dont think much about Regis. I mean, I like the guy but I dont spend much time thinking about him. Last night I had a dream. I was on a sofa bed, under the blankets, eating Nacho's. With Regis. I mean, what the heck is that about??
Next on my random agenda, I wrote in my last blog how cute I looked at the banquet on Saturday. Um, apparantly not. My friend posted pictures and I was just going to make you take my word for it but yea. Here ya go.
And no, it wasn't just a bad angle because here:
So really, I just looked lumpy and fat and it pissed me off cause that is not how I FEEL and it wasnt how I felt that night. I also had a long grey sweater over that that I wore (till I was dancing) and maybe it hid things better.
SO, I do appreciate truth and I do appreciate reality but damn. Why does it have to smack you right upside the head? I may have come a long, baby, but I still have a long way to go. I know I look alot better than I used to and I feel alot better than I used to but looking back at that picture, I see every cookie I have eaten in the last 20 years. Boooo. Big Bummer.
Yes, I will keep going. Yes I have accomplished so much. Yes It will all pay off. Blah Blah Blah.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I am excited about fresh starts and new opportunities.It always makes me feel like anything is possible.
I got on the scale this morning because I am an idiot and was up over 3 lbs for the weekend. lol. I am not upset. I know I will lose it but it bugs me because it wasn't even worth it. I mean, if I was going to gain that much, there should have been cake involved. Just saying.
This month includes Superbowl,a 5 day vacation down in the southern california dunes with our Utah friends,valentine's day, our wedding anniversary and of course, Kady's surgery on the 28th. I have a feeling my family is going to be packing alot into this month. Kady especially. Her life is going to be forever changed.
I am looking at February as a time to hit some goals I have been aiming for a long time, a time to relish each and every day, a month of love and acceptance of my family, friends and myself.
I am going to laugh, motivate, excercise, eat well, be thoughtful, lose weight, be consistant, be prepared but most of all, I am going to be "present" in every day. I am not going to waste any time or opportunities if I can help it.
In the words of BIGMAMAT, let's do this thing!!!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
So we had our racing banquet last night (which planning for ended up in my lap) at Gun and Bocci club. The guys shot trap and we girls sat in the warm motor home before the dinner.
I looked cute (will see if I have any pics) and the dinner was excellent! Primerib, linguine with marinara, thick french garlic bread, a beautiful green salad, sliced potatoes and whole green beans with bacon.
When I say it was excellent, I mean it. I ate too much but figured that I was going to be dancing for at least 4 hours so wasnt worried about it. I had some Captain and diet cokes because I am always the sober driver nowadays and I wanted to party, dance, get wild and only have to walk 50 steps to my RV at bedtime.
Started off with the awards after dinner and that was fine, then started the music. I dont know what it was but NOBODY was dancing but me, frank and 1 of our best couple friends. They were all being sooooo boring and I dont know if you know this about me but I am pretty much the life of the party and I can make it happen!
But not last night. After about an hour, I just kind of gave up cause the vibe was just not there. The Captain was making me full, not happy, I danced off and on for a few hours but certainly not the dance fest I thought, which sucks because I would have eaten less and felt better.
Anyway, made it through to midnite and we all went back to our RV's and it began to rain which sucked cause we were going to hang out for an after party (I made smalll turkey sandwiches for a late night snack) but only 2 of our friends came in to the RV and we talked for a while, had a snack and went to bed. Where I tried to sleep.
BUT 2 of our "younger" members apparantly were not getting along so it was an hour and a half of banging, car honking, yelling (right outside my friends trailer and I thought he would have handled it). Next thing I know, its 3:30, the cops are there arresting him for drunk in public and his girlfriend drove away in a taxi. This couple is crazy by the way. So I called his mom this morning to see what ended up happeneing and she knew nothing about it. It took till 6 pm to find out he is in jail and his g/f is on her way to get him out.
Super Bummer party. Let me tell ya. I was sooo ready to blow off steam but I guess you really cant plan that stuff.
I weighed yesterday before I left. 4 oz. shy of my 60 pounds! 4 OUNCES! GRRRRRRR. Dont know where I will be now and am not gonna weigh till Tuesday or my official day which is Thursday.
So that was my big weekend. Today we enjoyed the quiet, took naps off and on in our chairs. The girls are on their way home from Los Angeles. Back to work tomorrow. No drama, no medical appts. this week, nothing much to report. (or will there be?) Hope you had a good weekend and are making plans to hit some goal or something that will make you smile this week.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Things about me
(It is fun to learn different things about our friends!! Stolen from PJH2008... Thanks Paula Jean!
The names I go by:
Marian (my middle name and what Frank calls me when I am in trouble)
Mamadwarf (here on sp and in my real life because of racing dwarf cars and I am the Mama, that's why!)
Three places I've lived in the past:
Pacific Grove (Near Monterey, Ca. )
Three sports I have played:
water skiiing (not in YEARS!!)
Three things I love to watch:
My daughters laughing
My husband doing anything ,especially in a tool belt ;)
Comedy's (tv, movies, live)
Three places I have visited:
Florida (hated it)
Utah ( Love it!)
Washington state (Love it!)
Three people that I love: Only 3????
Gonna lump my entire family in that one
My oldest friend, Lisa. Since we were 9 years old. ( I hate her tho cause she still looks the same and I am old).
And last but not least, my grand dog Stitchy. I once admitted I love her more than anyone. I wasnt really joking about it either.
Three things I love to eat:
A good steak
*And because it has been my answer for years and I am not over it, Cookies!
Three things I am looking forward to:
Getting to my weight loss goals
Now highlight this then cut and paste and put in your own answers
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