You are my favorite

Friday, February 04, 2011

I thought I should tell you that you are my favorite person.

You make me laugh, you make me strong, you make me think, you inspire and motivate. I am so happy I got to you know you. You are hilarious! I love your honesty. I love the way your mind works. I love the way you challenge MY mind to work. I love how you work so hard to figure stuff out then share it with all of us. I love how you are sooo down one day and the next day, you are like "screw that! today is a new day!" I love how far you have come. I love how much farther you have to go but you are gonna get there.

You are so happy for me when I am happy and so sad for me when I am not. You give me the exact amount of support I need under each circumstance. You are far away but you feel like you are next door. We are no longer strangers. We have grown together. You get me. I get you. Your antics are legendary. Your excercise routine is astonishing. You set the most impossible goals and go for them anyway.You do good things for people. You stand up for what is right. You always have a suggestion for a problem I have. You have never even spoken to me yet we are still part of this journey. We talk every day. I think about you and how you would handle a situation. You ask my opinion and are happy to get it. We agree on a lot of things. You have hard things happen but you let me in and you keep going anyway.

You are my favorite person. Here is a hint. There is more than one of you. And I love each one of you best.

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Hallelujah!!!!

Thursday, February 03, 2011

I finally, finally, finally hit the 60 pound mini goal weight loss! I have been waiting a long time for that one my friends. It has been the hardest 10 pounds I have lost so far. I feel like I can now keep moving forward and get busy with losing the rest of the weight. I am officially over 1/2 way (I set out to lose 111 pounds). So hear it is, 1 week shy of 11 months and I made it.

About the 7 month mark, I realized I was not going to lose all the weight in a year like I thought so I adjusted my tracker, my reality and attitude and here I am. Still here, still losing, still trying, still starting over every day (Thanks BAYBELIEVER for that blog....so true!)

So today is a big, healthy WOOOHOOOO from me! Progress, not perfection! (Now I am less than 2 pounds away from getting into my 220's~!!! Gotta have a goal, ya know!)

Thanks for being with me every step of the way. I cannot tell you what that has meant to me. You are all my favorite people. Each one of you... (Hey I feel a blog coming on.). Jan

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Rebellion and History

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

I have been thinking alot about rebellion lately. Especially how that affects us and our goals to get healthy. I am a bit of rebel. I know, shocking, right? I have never liked being told what to do and in fact, that would usually make me fly off and do the exact opposite. If you told me I CAN'T do something, well, just consider it done.
If you tell me I SHOULD do something, then pretty much it ain't gonna happen.

I dont know why I am like that but as I have grown older, I have backed off a bit. I began to understand that some things needed to be done whether I liked it or not. That the world was not about me. I found that out when I was 19 years old and my first husband died. It was a shock that such a thing could happen to ME! I mean, these things happen to OTHER people, not me.
But it did happen and I proceeded to live a very wild and careless life, a reckless life that considered nobody but me. I mean, I was in PAIN. I deserved to find relief anywhere I could, right? I did not consider the affects of that wild life, the pain I caused my parents and others who cared about me. It was destructive and selfish.

Then, at 23, my next choice (to punish myself over guilt over not being a very good wife to my first husband, I came to realize later), I married someone who ended up abusing me. My rebellion was gone. I had no fight left. I SUBMITTED becuase that was what a wife was supposed to. Or so I thought. He almost had me. He really did. I was down as far as I could possibly go. No self esteem left, no fight, fat and unhappy. Stuck. Then I had my daughter Kelly.
Talk about a spark. The MINUTE I had her, that little spark of fire lit up like the 4th of July and I started planning our escape. There was no way in hell I was going to let her live like that, to have a mom so weak and so crushed. I started coming back and that was when my rebellion saved me. It propelled me out and away and I never looked back.

Frank was my first love, we were always in touch and he was the ONE I always compared every man to. He was my dream man: strong, funny, tough, devoted, hard working, sexy. There was always a gravitational pull with us, an electricity that nobody could deny when we were together (he was my brother in law's best friend so we were always around each other and I had known him since I was 14). By the time Kelly was 8 months old, we were together and he is the only father she has ever known. He adopted her, we got married, had Kady and the rest is history. I am where I belong.

Although this is not the blog I intended to write, I am letting it flow. I think Rebellion (when it is for selfish purposes) is so destructive. It leads us into areas where we make horrible choices just to do what we want to do, no matter how it hurts other people. Or ourselves. That is not ok. Eating a bag of cookies because we WANT it, is not ok. Getting fatter and fatter, worrying our families becuase we dont want anyone to tell us different, is destructive and worse, it is selfish. It is the little kid in us, digging in our heels. It is childish, immature and silly. It HURTS us. There is no benefit. Time to put the big girl and boy panties on and suck it up, Sally.

Being rebellious when someone tells us we can't lose weight or run or get healthy, well now, THAT is when we can USE it to our advantage. That dig-in-your-heels-I-wil-show-you-Buddy mentality, that is when we want to be that rebel. That is when we want to fly and when we are sailing past, we want to wave and smile and say Thank you for the motivation. Becuase NOBODY is going to keep us down, It is facing adversity with defiance and saying "oh Hell, no. That is NOT how it is going to be" and best of all, being able to bring that little kid out and firmly state "You are not the boss of me!" Because you are the boss of you. And dont you forget it.

Balance, people. Balance.

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Bad pictures and Regis Philbin

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

I dont think much about Regis. I mean, I like the guy but I dont spend much time thinking about him. Last night I had a dream. I was on a sofa bed, under the blankets, eating Nacho's. With Regis. I mean, what the heck is that about??

Next on my random agenda, I wrote in my last blog how cute I looked at the banquet on Saturday. Um, apparantly not. My friend posted pictures and I was just going to make you take my word for it but yea. Here ya go.



And no, it wasn't just a bad angle because here:



So really, I just looked lumpy and fat and it pissed me off cause that is not how I FEEL and it wasnt how I felt that night. I also had a long grey sweater over that that I wore (till I was dancing) and maybe it hid things better.

SO, I do appreciate truth and I do appreciate reality but damn. Why does it have to smack you right upside the head? I may have come a long, baby, but I still have a long way to go. I know I look alot better than I used to and I feel alot better than I used to but looking back at that picture, I see every cookie I have eaten in the last 20 years. Boooo. Big Bummer.

Yes, I will keep going. Yes I have accomplished so much. Yes It will all pay off. Blah Blah Blah.

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It's a new week and (almost) a new month!

Monday, January 31, 2011

I am excited about fresh starts and new opportunities.It always makes me feel like anything is possible.

I got on the scale this morning because I am an idiot and was up over 3 lbs for the weekend. lol. I am not upset. I know I will lose it but it bugs me because it wasn't even worth it. I mean, if I was going to gain that much, there should have been cake involved. Just saying.

This month includes Superbowl,a 5 day vacation down in the southern california dunes with our Utah friends,valentine's day, our wedding anniversary and of course, Kady's surgery on the 28th. I have a feeling my family is going to be packing alot into this month. Kady especially. Her life is going to be forever changed.

I am looking at February as a time to hit some goals I have been aiming for a long time, a time to relish each and every day, a month of love and acceptance of my family, friends and myself.

I am going to laugh, motivate, excercise, eat well, be thoughtful, lose weight, be consistant, be prepared but most of all, I am going to be "present" in every day. I am not going to waste any time or opportunities if I can help it.

In the words of BIGMAMAT, let's do this thing!!!

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