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Surprise by my hubby today

Monday, September 27, 2010

Today my husband told me he was taking me to Pacific Grove for lunch for an early birthday present. It on the monterey bay and where my family is from. Also,One of my favorite places in the world. So we went and had lunch (Halibut and Prawns, super yummy!), stayed on track nutritionally and even went to a chocolate store where I bought one (yes, 1) chocolate. We walked down to the beach where I got a flyer and some information about Kayaking (which will be my reward for losing 50 pounds) and we will go back and do it in a few weeks. Then we went to another beach and sat and people watched. It was nice day and a sweet surprise from my Honey. Hope you guys had a great weekend, I did!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BTINTERNET 9/27/2010 5:16PM

    As far as the kayaking, I think going with a guide is good the first time just to get the feel of it (I'm assuming you haven't done it before). Keep in mind that it is full body - you will use your hips and thighs to keep you in the boat (more or less), you will twist at the core while paddling and your arms will get a good workout. One tip is to not grab the paddle too tightly. A lot of people end up more sore than they needed from hanging on for dear life. It's really a push and pull motion, and you don't need a tight grip.

As for photos, yes, you can bag your camera, or better yet get one of those disposable waterproof ones. You'll want a croakie for your glasses/sunglasses (strap to hold them on) and probably a pair of water-shoes (I like the ones that are neoprene on top and rubber on the bottom although for years I paddled in Teva sandals. Make sure everything you bring with you a) can get wet and b) has a way to be attached to the boat (either in the hatch, under the deck cords, clipped on with a carabiner, etc.) And needless to say, lots of sunscreen, big hat, etc.

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NEDERLUNG 9/27/2010 4:32PM

    Oh how sweet (the hubby, not the chocolate). And great spur of the moment planning on your part too (making good choices that you could enjoy)! I am so proud of you and cannot wait for that kayak trip - you know you can put your camera in a freezer ziploc and it will be waterproof? Smiles - Debie

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GRACEISENUF 9/27/2010 4:21PM

    Sounds great! Tomorrow is our big day....my hub has to work so my son is taking me out...WOO HOO!

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MAIA2011 9/27/2010 3:06PM

    That was so cool what your husband said. Sometimes they are really worth keeping!

Also, don't tell me where the chocolate store is!

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ZURDTA- 9/27/2010 1:53PM

    Wonderful... just wonderful!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/27/2010 12:32PM

    That sounds wonderful!

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TEENY_BIKINI 9/27/2010 11:36AM

    Awwww... just so sweet, but you certainly deserve the best, gorgeousness.

Happy Birthday!

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MAMADWARF 9/27/2010 9:25AM

    I think the best part was Frank told me," You know, it still blows me away to see you walking everywhere! You just got out of the truck and start walking and it isn't even a thought! Thats amazing!"

It really made me happy becuase it seems like such a tiny thing, that we all take for granted but before, I would have waited at the top of the stairs, he would have walked down to the beach and got a flyer (oh wait, no he wouldnt cause we wouldnt have been planning on kayaking), then we would have drove the rest of the time. Instead, we parked like 1/2 mile away, we both walked down to the beach, then walked around some houses for rent (and sale but that isnt gonna happen so...) and when we parked for lunch, it was pretty far away.

It is just really nice that he noticed, that he mentioned it and that it made him happy that we can do things like that together.
I am really excited about Kayaking and I know I am going to love it! (Stepping up the ST for the arms!). He is already planning a white water trip (um, I dont know about THAT!) but it's exciting to be more active and doing new things with my Honey. Thanks for the comments, you guys.. Have a great week!!

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/27/2010 8:57AM

    Aww, that sounds awesome. What a nice hubby :).

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BTINTERNET 9/27/2010 8:54AM

    What a wonderful surprise! And you'll love kayaking, especially there! (I used to teach it, although not there alas.)

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/27/2010 7:54AM

    Awww - sounds wonderful!!! :) And great job making healthy choices and staying totally on track. Remember that whenever you feel the need to "splurge" in order to "enjoy" life -- and remind me (and anyone else who needs it), that you can have a WONDERFUL day and enjoy all kinds of things without having to go over your calorie goals and go off plan! :)

- Michelle

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BIGMAMAT 9/27/2010 7:03AM

    I am soooo glad you had a wonderful day! I am proud of you for making healthy choices. One piece of chocolate. Who does that anyway! Woohoo. Go girl! Hugs. T emoticon

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KATRIONAH 9/27/2010 1:04AM

    What a happy blog. Made me smile. It sounds like you had a super early birthday present. Your husband sure made it possible for you to have a GREAT day!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing with us. Have a joy filled week...and remember to share your beautiful smile.....Karen emoticon

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TIKITAMI 9/27/2010 12:45AM

   
What a great way to spend your birthday.

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ATREAT4ME 9/27/2010 12:29AM

    Sweet! I love it.

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MARLINDA5 9/27/2010 12:11AM

    Happy Birthday - sounds like you had a really nice day.

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Me, in a nutshell.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Ok, well, this has been on my mind for a while now. Alot of people I read say that Positive blogs make them feel less able to relate to the writer. That they want to read what is REAL and the struggles people I have. I can understand that because things are not always sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. People want to know that when they are struggling, someone GETS that.

I tend to blog fairly positive things. That is just me. I have been trying to think of a struggle or something to write about but you know what? Right now, at this point of my life, I am feeling quite fantastic! I have physical energy, my crankiness is gone, I am doing well losing weight, I have embraced my new lifestyle, I like to motivate and inspire and uplift people so I love SparkPeople because I get to do that.

But I want you all to know: When you are struggling, sad, depressed, kicking your own ass, tired, petulant or hurt, I am here. I GET you. I do. I have been all of those things. Because I am not that TODAY does not mean I havent been where you are or that I wont be where you are again.

Here is my life in a quick, no- nonsense list of the struggles I have been through in my almost 49 years:

I met my current husband when I was 14. I lost him many times until we finally stuck.
I married my first husband when I was 18. By 19, I was widowed. He drowned in my parents pool, swimming by himself.
My brother in law passed away 5 years after my first husband. By drowning. Leaving my sister and 2 little girls alone.
I married an abuser as a rebound for the pain of my loss after being addicted to drugs and alcohol and ended up in jail for drunk driving.
I fled my 2nd husband with my 6 month daughter because I could not bear the thought of that kind of life for her. She saved me.
I married Frank, he adopted Kelly, and then we had Kady.
We have our own business(es) which is a challenge because we work together and in this economy, it has been a true struggle off and on over the years.
My oldest daughter battled depression a teenager.
My Mom passed away.
My Father passed away.
MY 20 year old daughter was diagnosed with Crohns disease when she was 15. She almost died and I have watched her battle this insidious disease with dignity, grace and strength. It is incurable but we have not given up the fight.
Many brother in laws have come and gone, my favorite neice has spent the last year going through an extremly painful divorce and yes, my favorite dog died.

All those things have changed me, shaped me, made me empathetic to people's pain and made me want to be able to tell those who suffer that they can overcome, there is light at the end of the tunnel, that life can be good if you choose to make it that way. That life is precious, short and worth every tear, every drop of sweat, every burst of laughter and every memory that we can make. So yea, I get you and Im here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRAINYBLONDE5 9/27/2010 12:44PM

    this post is incredible. i barely have the words to express my emotions. but wow, you truly have been through it all && its a blessing that you are still so uplifting and motivating to people, including me. thank you for overcoming your obstacles & being such a great person :)

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/27/2010 8:59AM

    I love your blogs. People on here often put too much weight on their own opinions. Screw them, write about what you care about.

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NEDERLUNG 9/26/2010 6:56PM

    So what if your blogs are positive - they are your blogs and who thinks they have the right to sensor you anyway? OK, maybe I missed something here, but I love your blogs and I want to hang around with positive people, not downers, grippers, sulkers, why me, etc.

Now, if you get down occasionally, I want to know about it so I can help pick you back up.

But I truly believe positive attracts positive and I am positive about that! Smiles - Debie

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/26/2010 10:43AM

    Jan,
I love your blogs and all the positvity (is that a word?) it inspires. I liked this blog, I think all the things that people go through really make them who they are. After reading this, I can see why you're are such a strong woman.

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BIGMAMAT 9/25/2010 4:27PM

    Jan, You are the best. You make me laugh, you move me to tears ... You inspire me. You are real. You are special and I truly adore you. I am glad you get me. Thats it. I am done. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/25/2010 4:28:23 PM

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GRACEISENUF 9/25/2010 4:26PM

    I like your upbeat blogs and I also liked reading this one. What I like about you the most is that you are loo% REAL!!!

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MAMADWARF 9/25/2010 4:00PM

    I hope my point came across that basically, I am here. I have been through a lot and I understand. That was my point in putting my life on display. I think it is important to reach out when you are having a tough situation and I certainly have done that when I had a need and there is always someone there. That is why SP works, that is why I love it. We are not alone and isnt that the universal human desire? To know that? I know it keeps me going...

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NICA131 9/25/2010 2:35PM

    Well it seems to be the day for these "type" of blogs.

You threw yourself out there further than I did and I applaud you.

You should write blogs about what and how you want to. Readers have the choice to read on or click the little X and go find something more to their liking.
If upbeat is what feels good to you than upbeat it should be!

You need to worry about you and make you HAPPY! You have been through enough to be bothered by Negative Nellies


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TIKITAMI 9/25/2010 2:12PM

   
I love the upbeat blogs and this blog is the reason why. Life is precious. We can look at the struggles we had to go through to get where we are and be bitter or we can embrace life for all the good it has given us and what we have done with our opportunities and stuggles.

The positive blogs on this site inspire me. You inspire me.

I do feel for the negative ones, we all have those days but we can't let that consume who we are.

Thanks for posting this.

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MAIA2011 9/25/2010 1:37PM

    Now I feel shallow for just being impressed that you have lost fifty pounds. You are a true survivor!

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Out of the mouths of Babe's (or little friggin' brats, depending)

Friday, September 24, 2010

So I am at Target, getting some items. There is a guy behind me with his 5 year old daughter. She is buying Scooby snacks and asks daddy if it is there turn yet. He says, " as soon as the guy is done with this lady, it will be our turn". She turns at looks at me, looks at daddy and says in a LOUD WHISPER, that only children can do, " She's fat!".

Dad tells her, "Elizabeth, you dont say that, its not nice" . Lots of thing went through my mind but I turned to her with one of my most charming smiles and said,"You know what? I used to be fatter but I lost 50 pounds. That is more than you weigh. " Blank stare, daddy mutters something about it being awesome and I continued (with a smile) " and I am going to lose more and then I will be the one in line buying Scooby snacks".

Paid for my stuff, went to my truck and here they come, parked right in front of me. Dad gives me an embarrased smile and I smiled back and drove away.

So I feel alot of different ways about it but basically, this thought keeps running through my mind: "Well, ain't that a bitch!!"

LOL.....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RJANE40 9/28/2010 7:29AM

    Way to handle that situation! And kudos to the dad for teaching his daughter that there are some things that you just keep to yourself.

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TONYA1BRYANT 9/27/2010 9:49AM

    That was a GREAT response! Use the encounter as motivation in the future emoticon

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/27/2010 9:20AM

    LOL - dang kids!! You handled it wonderfully though. :)

- Michelle

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/27/2010 9:10AM

    I have had several kids call me fat before and not one of their parents handled it as well as he did. At least he told her it was inappropriate! Good for you for saying something!

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NEDERLUNG 9/26/2010 6:51PM

    Kids don't get it, but it still stings, even knowing where you came from. Of course, you could have retaliated and told her that you got fat eatting scooby snacks - but then how cruel does one want to be to a kid.

Jan - look in that mirror - you are beautiful, you have lost over a bag of dog food (can't wait until there is one on each of your shoulders) and you are so much healthier for it. Love ya - Debie

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UHYEAHABOUTTHAT 9/25/2010 2:13PM

    I wanted to point out its not always the parents who are to blame for children being rude. And often, with little ones, they won't know they are being rude. (however, if they're older than like 7, they know better.) My grandmother is a large woman and she's also very outspoken. She is odd in ways because she'll like, announce, how fat she is and make comments like, "Here comes the fat old lady" to my son (or to people in general). He picks up on it and he'll comment about her being fat. We've (my husband, my mother, my father, etc) all tried to teach him about how to be courteous, how everyone is different, etc...but my grandmother blows it off and tells him, "It's okay! Its no secret I'm fat!" and she'll poke her own belly...and make him do it, too. *groans. She doesn't get it (or doesn't want to get it) and refuses to see what is wrong with "being honest." Granted, I know she's an exception...But, things are not always as they seem. It makes it embarrassing for me if/when he decides to point out something as sensitive as that. Partially because I don't expect him to say such things and I don't say such things.
I do like how you handled the situation. It was really appropriate given the circumstance. If I were the dad in this situation with my kid, in a way, I think I would have been embarrassed, too, but also thankful for how you handled it. It probably sparked a good conversation for her and her father, and also taught her that fat people are nice. If you had reacted angrily at her she'd probably think that fat people are mean. Kids are that simple.


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DAISY443 9/25/2010 12:28PM

    Handled beautifully! I had acne as an adolescent and once in a store a little boy asked my why I had holes in my face. I told him it was because I said rude things to adults when I was a child. I still feel guilty about that, but not very!

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ROBINSNEWNEST 9/25/2010 11:52AM

    You handled it beautifully -- as you are!

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Robin

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ELLIEFAR 9/25/2010 10:32AM

  I have to say, well handled. Kids can he horrible can't they. emoticon

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BIGMAMAT 9/25/2010 1:01AM

    That dad probably wanted to crawl in a hole. lol. I bet he and little miss Elizabeth had a nice little chat on the way home. emoticon

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THREEE 9/25/2010 12:20AM

    you handled it graciously... i'm with GRACEISENUF7(and who ELSE could speak of 'grace'?)...the parents have helped teach the 5yo that it is okay to speak about people being 'fat'--JUDGING?

i really would like to come up with something succinct such as, "my mommy/daddy didn't teach me about eating and exercise, BUT they DID teach me about MANNERS--maybe yours will soon!"
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and despite what the 'friggin' brat' said, YOU know we love you...and YOU are slender enough to get thru that little wire that goes into my computer!!!--
and 1 other piece of wisdom...when you hit your goal weight, and i mean your ABSOLUTE goal weight, SOMEONE will think you 'could still stand to lose a few'...

oh, and one other thing...when i was driving that standard shift VW eating, drinking and shifting in the 3 feet of snow, i had 1 leg in a cast and the other was barefoot and the heat in the car didn't work so i was wiping the undefrosted windshield while balancing everything else...no brag, just fact emoticon


p.s.even if YOU don't think i'm funny, i am having a GOOD time telling you of my feats

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MAIA2011 9/25/2010 12:05AM

    You handled that with such grace that I got goosebumps! Nice job.

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ASHARON 9/24/2010 9:03PM

    I would to say great parenting skills. Back in the good ole days if I said that I would get slapped twice in the mouth. Once by my parernt and once by the lady.
Boy how times have changed and not for the good.
Way to handle it correctly.


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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/24/2010 8:52PM

    I had a very similar experience at my kids' school. It's actually what made me decide to change my life. I was really hurt when that kid said "your mommy's fat." But I was more upset for my son. Kids speak the truth and like GRACEISENUF7 said, they hear that stuff from their parents. Loved your "lesson" and hopefully that dad will go home and teach his kid some manners.

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THEBOSSYQUEEN 9/24/2010 8:51PM

  emoticon

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GRACEISENUF 9/24/2010 8:43PM

    I just have to add this....the parents are the ones that are responsible for what comes out of their little "babes" mouth.

Comment edited on: 9/24/2010 8:44:20 PM

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GRACEISENUF 9/24/2010 8:41PM

    I'll vote for the friggin brat, that works for me.

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ELLYN63 9/24/2010 8:30PM

    Way to go with a great comeback! emoticon

We don't need to be embarrassed - kids are kids and they will blurt things out without trying to be mean. I have a physical abnormality with my hands that is quite obvious and I often get stares and insensitive comments. I use those moments to do a quick mini-lesson, just as you did, and that often serves the purpose well. More often than not the adult with the child is more embarrassed. And they both have learned a good lesson.

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You know what I'm good at?

Thursday, September 23, 2010

It occured to me today: I am really good at eating in the car. Not just eating in the car, but while driving. I have eaten the very challenging Wienerschintzel chili dogs while driving, not to mention taco bell tacos. I scoff at the ease of a burger and fries. Breakfast! Ha! I laugh at you! I barely had to be awake for that!

Today, I ate a teriyaki bowl. I mean, I have to beleive that this is a true talent! I have spent years perfecting it. Not a vacation takes place that doesnt begin at McDonalds.

While my choices have changed, the habit remains the same. Subway, ok, but I prefer Togo's or Safeway sandwiches. A chicken fajita pita or teriyaki bowl from Jack in the box (with fruit not the egg roll) instead of a Jumbo jack or fried chicken sandwich and fries, a egg mcmuffin with no cheese or meat instead of a sausage egg and cheese muffin.
You guys know what I do to french fries or hash browns so that isnt a problem. I call them French FLIES now as they sail out my window.

I have been in my office so much over the last year that I rarely am out and about at lunch time but this week, I have been in the car 3 out of 4 days. So I think I need to plan better although I have no doubt I could handle a PBJ with no problem or even a fruit salad or a cup-a-soup with ease. I mean, come on. I am a professional.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIGMAMAT 9/25/2010 12:54AM

    Jan, you are a hoot! I am with Robin on this one. I use to travel a lot more than I do now with hospice, but I can definatly confirm it is a true talent to eat and drive. lol. emoticon

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NEDERLUNG 9/24/2010 10:32AM

    I realize everyone is having fun at this, but is it a good thing? Like eating in front of the TV, are we really enjoying our food or just wolfing it down? I understand the need to eat something when we are busy, but even if we choose healthy choices, shouldn't this be part of the planning? OK, don't get upset with me, because I eat in the car too, but I also know that I am not good at multi-tasking. So I have been trying to wait until I get home to eat the fast food or I have been trying to find a park to pull off at so that I could actually enjoy the food I am eating.

I'm sorry, I sort of sound like a kill-joy on this fun topic, I'm sorry.

Comment edited on: 9/24/2010 10:34:20 AM

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CLEVAGAL 9/23/2010 11:46PM

    A challenged Aussie here, what is PBJ?

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THREEE 9/23/2010 11:01PM

    HAH!!! i got YOU beat, woman...when we would go to florida for spring break(no, not the WILD ones) we would take my parents' VW bug--STANDARD SHIFT-- and my friend couldn't do a shift in those days, so I WAS DESIGNATED DRIVER(i'm not talking about drinking, i'm talking about the trip down)...we'd go thru the drive-thrus and keep moving and i was shifting and holding my drink WHILE eating...remember, those cars never had cup holders AND we didn't wear(or even HAVE) seat belts back in the early '70's...i told you, I AM THE CHAMPION!!!--OH, oh, and there was 3 feet of snow ON THE HIGHWAY the whole trip!!! emoticon

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ROBINSNEWNEST 9/23/2010 10:32PM

    Jan, I am howling!! You have met your match, sister. I drove my little Honda CRV to death -literally and figuratively -- in the years I was on the road working in hospice. I learned to perfect the art of eating in the car! I mean to tell you I am like NASCAR qualified when it comes to this talent! This blog made me r-o-l-l! better than eating it... here or in the car!

Comment edited on: 9/23/2010 10:32:52 PM

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GRACEISENUF 9/23/2010 9:55PM

    At least you don't text at the same time.

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(that's where I draw the line) lol

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/23/2010 9:27PM

    I had to stop eating in the car, that lead to really bad choices for me. However, when I did partake, I was very good at Taco Bell's steak bowl, LOVED IT!!! I have to say, I'm very impressed, you have great skill!

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TEXWIFE 9/23/2010 8:59PM

    Once I did a deit where I didn't eat in the car and lost 17 pounds WOW!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/23/2010 8:55PM

    Yeah, the car can get to us all. It's too dang convenient, that's what.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/23/2010 8:16PM

    I love this blog. I can even eat a full on salad in the car. Now come on, you have to be impressed by that! I am also a taco afficiando as well as burritos.

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MCCALI59 9/23/2010 8:16PM

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Talk to me

Thursday, September 23, 2010



I had a conversation with my hubby last night that made me realize that he may be feeling a bit worried about the "new me" that is emerging. He is a confidant person (Leo), he is very supportive and excited about my weight loss and the things that we will be able do now, as well as the fact that I am getting healthy but I heard something last night that makes me think he has underlying concern. I dont want to give the wrong impression about him and I tried to put myself in his shoes and understand how he might be feeling since he is very male and they typically do not "share" their feelings easily, especially when it is complicated and he may not understand it himself.

I understood going into this that my weight has worked for me in life and relationships in the past.I mean if it didnt on some level, I wouldnt have stayed that way. I have looked at some things within myself on why I felt the need to cover and protect myself from certain elements such as attention from other men, as an example. My man has loved me thin(ner) and loved me fat. He loves ME which is such a blessing but he (and I ) were worried about my health which is why I started this journey.

I expected changes and upheavals. I did not expect the confidence ( I have always been very confidant), the possibilities, the dreams of future events, places and activities that suddenly become options. I am changing, in more ways than the physical. I think in very positive ways.
The main point of me getting healthy is so that I can spend a happy, active life with my husband well into our retirement years.

I am wondering: does he think I will get thin and leave him? That I will change who I am? That I have a secret internet life with sp? That I wont need him anymore? (All completely stupid but we all think stupid things sometimes and I am trying to pinpoint where he might be coming from).

So what I want to know, Men and Women, both:
Tell me your experience with your significant others regarding your weight loss.
The positives, the negatives, the trials and the triumphs. Lay it on me.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RJANE40 9/24/2010 7:41AM

    My SO is 200+ pounds overweight and he has a very tough time being supportive. I dont even tell him about my exercise successes anymore because I know it bothers him. As I am becoming more active, it just illuminates how inactive he is. So I think he is bothered by two things: 1, he isnt doing a lot to get himself healthy--though he did attend a Zumba class with me this week and did awesome!--and 2, he is probably afraid that I will leave him when I have lost the weight.

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GRACEISENUF 9/23/2010 10:39PM

    It's pretty simple with my hubs and I. Like you described he loves me fat and he has loved me thin...21 years now.

I couldn't help but notice when I was a size 8 he kept his "eyeballs" on me 24/7, LOL! Of course I loved it as well. That was ten years ago and now in my fifties at a size 18 he still chases me around the house but I know I feel better at a lower weight. I am confident he is very secure in our relationship and will continue to be even if I lose another 50 pounds.

Great blog and question!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 9/23/2010 8:52PM

    When I was the thin(ner) me, I still wasn't thin enough for my ex, and when I gained, he left. So I don't have the answers, but I do believe talking about all of the feelings you are both experiencing is going to be key. I am the last person who should be giving relationship advice, so take that with a grain of salt and know we love you regardless.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 9/23/2010 8:22PM

    I think that many people see relationships fall apart after someone loses weight and then they blame it on the weightloss but I think weight can often be a symptom of a deeper lying issue within ourselves or in our external relationships. My mother for example lost close to a 100 lbs after leaving my father who was abusive. It wasn't the weight that ruined their relationship. You and your husband have been together for many years and weathered many ups and downs and I think your case is getting healthy to lead a more full life, not search for a new one. I have been limiting my time on SP because I was letting other relationships go to be on here with people who understand me and that isn't healthy either. I make a point on nights when we have time together to not log on. I still will in the morning so I can get my fix emoticon but in doing so I am showing him that he is the priority in my life. I am sure your hubby will be pretty psyched after you take a trip to victoria secrets for the first time lol.

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MAMADWARF 9/23/2010 6:31PM

    First, I want to thank you all for commenting and for your extremly thoughtful answers. I appreciate each and every one. I drove alot today for work and had a lot of time to think about the situation and the man that I know so well.

I think that I spend a lot of time in the evenings on SP and that perhaps he is feeling replaced with an unknown. Unknown people, relationships that I have formed and when I am online, I am not "present" with him, or the girls either for that matter.

Maybe I am not simply using this tool but am needing some balance with it. We walk together every night and when we get back, I am online for 2-4 hours while watching TV. Being honest and looking at that, I think I could safely cut that back and be a bit more present in my every day life with my family. That is probably all that it would take to be sure he knows where I stand.

I think an hour in the evening is reasonable and I am going to consider this a test. I am also going to be talking to him about what he "thinks" not necessarily what he "feels".

Briael, I like what you said about including your husband and your "real" friends and maybe I am hiding a bit with my sparkies cause you guys really get it. I dont have to explain anything to you or sugarcoat it or simplify it. You understand and that is safe and comfortable to me. Crazy how fast that happened isnt it??

Mvisgak, you said that he needs know my love for him isnt going to change. Maybe I need to SHOW him instead of being online! (more calories burned-woohoo!)at least occasionally ;).

Robin, you always put such a positive spin, You really get who I am and I am happy to see you have a sense of what he means to me and indeed, he is my best friend.
This seems to be something, maybe nothing, but my marriage and my husband are so important to me, I dont wnat this to ever be "something".

Nip it in the bud, I will! I will continue the conversation as advised!

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ROBINSNEWNEST 9/23/2010 4:43PM

    I've heard enough to believe your husband loves you completely, you communicate honestly and your family is the most important matter in your life. I'm so glad for you that what he may be feeling is coming to the surface now. I trust you both to deal with it -- lovingly, openly and with humor. Bill and I have both wrestled with our weight over the years-alternately thinner, then heavy, exercising, not exercising. I will say it impacts the nature of the relationship. If one is a slug and the other is ready to run the race, it's tough enough to stay "motivated" without feeling the need to drag the resistence through the course. Know what I mean? That's why Bill and I are both excited about this being a lifestyle change... NOT a diet. He seems relieved to be "doing this together" -- like we're finally in the same chapter of the book at the same time. I agree with the talking it out comments. Heaven knows I believe in counseling -- if you have a good one. It only helps and NEVER hurts to get clarity and perspective from someone like that you trust. Keep talking, girl. Keep listening. Hear what's said, and hear what's left unsaid. I'm a big believer that your intution and energy NEVER, EVER lie. Listen to your instincts. You've got 'em and aptly use 'em. Bill said he's soooo proud of me and even remarked that he's getting the bike out and cutting down carbs, "can't be the hefty guy with the HOT wife!" Yep, that made me want to go do some crunches! Continue the conversation...
with love --
Robin

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NEDERLUNG 9/23/2010 1:40PM

    Hi Jan - this is a very good topic and by the answers, I'm not the only one that thinks so. I also must comment that I enjoyed Janvivaldi's analogy to redoing a room.

I used to lead a weightloss discussion group and some of the weightloss fall backs were pregnancy and divorce. I hope we are only having planned pregnancies, but then??

Regarding divorces - the percentage was very high, but they were also bad, unhappy, and abuse marriages. I don't think you fall into that category. Though I think you must address your husbands doubts immediately or they will fester to make you both very miserable and potentially fall true. Don't hesitate to seek counseling, NOW. Most couples go after it is too late and you are trying to repair.

GO NOW and you will reinforce the communication you have and strengthen your marriage so that it doesn't break. Just wanting to see you stay happy as well as healthy. - Debie

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BJW-FARMGIRL 9/23/2010 12:49PM

    No problem with my hubs, as I have done this before, as has he, and we've stuck together through thick and thin (pun intended). However, my son-in-law was very threatened when my daughter was attempting to lose weight. They had just been married a year at that time. I think he thought if she lost the weight he might not be "good enough" anymore. Well, she has never felt like she "settled" in the first place; she had to do a lot of reassuring. Once when I lost a large amount a teacher at my kids' school saw me at a ballgame (small school, small rural community)and asked if I had a new boyfriend. I was highly offended! She went on to tell me that usually when someone loses weight like that they have a new flame. I told her in no uncertain terms that I know how fortunate I am, and I wouldn't be "trading him in". So I guess I can see all the sides of this concern.

Comment edited on: 9/23/2010 12:51:03 PM

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TREASURINGLIFE 9/23/2010 12:08PM

    I'm sure he might very well be feeling scared and insecure - it's human nature. Especially when he see ALL the changes going on with you (physical, emotional and mental). I think his feelings are normal. And I think that it's our job to make sure that the one we're with feels confident with regard to who we are as we lose weight and reach our goals. It's up to us to reassure him/her that although our size has changed, our love for them will/has not. You know?

Now that being said, when I originally lost my weight (about 150ish pounds) I did leave my husband...but it was simply a long time coming, and the confidence I gained from losing weight is what gave me strength to end things. He cheated on me when I was fat and I thought I deserved it - after all I was fat and as a fat person I was lucky to have ANYONE. However, after losing all that weight I realized that I didn't deserve to be treated that way. That NO ONE deserved to be treated that way. And the fact that he continued to cheat after I lost weight was simply my wake-up call. I believe that if things were good between us throughout our lives together then things would have simply been even better after I lost weight.

So anyway, I would just suggest that you just continue to communicate with him and reassure him that your weight may be decreasing but your love for him and your desire for a long, healthy life WITH him is not decreasing AT ALL! :)

- Michelle

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THREEE 9/23/2010 11:46AM

    i cannot speak directly to your concern as i have no special someone right now...i do, however, have a friend who had gastric bypass and lost the weight(about 200 pounds) and did start drinking and left her husband(who is one of the dearest people around) and married someone 'less suitable'--i believe she had felt she 'settled for' her beautiful, but heavy first husband as he was the only thing going at that time...but i am suggesting they did not START from the best point...i believe your husband seems like your friend too, so as someone else already suggested, ASK him if he has any concerns and TELL him what you KNOW about your feelings and expectations...and what you are lOOking forward to...to make him more comfortable in your journey can only help!!! emoticon

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BRIAEL 9/23/2010 11:25AM

    You're going to laugh at my experience. :)

Hubby was the one who approached a personal trainer, because I was slowly inching ever upwards on the scales, and doing less and less physical exercise. He knew that I wasn't ready, but I also think he knew that I would never be ready without a little prod in the right direction.

Now he's thrilled that I'm losing weight. He said it doesn't make him love me more, and it certainly doesn't make him love me less, because love is (or, at least, should be) about the person, not their physical attributes - that's just shallow!

These days he pinches my butt as he passes and tells me not to get too thin. We were laughing one evening when I jokingly (and he knew I was joking, trust me) said that I was going to turn him in for a "sports" model when I was at target weight. Which led to the conversation of "would you be more offended if I left you for someone thinner or someone fatter?" Which opened a whole can of worms on how I would feel in either case. I had to clarify my own thoughts before I could even begin to explain it to him.

I would feel I wasn't attractive to him if he chose someone thinner, based on my weight and physical appearance, and yet I would feel that there was something inherently wrong with me as a whole if he chose someone bigger because it would be less about (my perception of) appearance and more on personality/character. Poor hubby didn't really get it, but I guess people here might. :)

Personally, I'm trying to share my journey not only with SparkFriends, but also my husband and real friends. I want to include them in my change, to use it to grow towards them, not away. It certainly makes for some interesting conversations and understanding where someone's thought processes are, rather than making assumptions. :)

Good catch, Jan, I love that you are making us think on this drizzly dreary grey Thursday.

Comment edited on: 9/23/2010 11:27:21 AM

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 9/23/2010 11:05AM

    I've had nearly the same thoughts and concerns for my husband. I've always been fat (100lbs lighter when we got married though) and he loves me no matter what. He too is a man and doesn't express himself. He says he's happy and proud of me, but at the same time I can almost see the worry in his face. I'm a very outgoing person and it doesn't take much for me to get talking to strangers and make new friends. I think that he thinks if I get thin I'll leave and find someone else. It's never been said out loud, but I see it. I'm doing this for me and our kids and for him too! I hope when I get thinner and stick around he'll get it!

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JANVIVALDI 9/23/2010 10:57AM

    when we choose to change it is possible but not without changing just one aspect of ourselves. It is like redoing a room in your house. Would you paint just one wall. Say you did than you realize the other three need a new coat of paint. Than once the walls are done the drapes or curtains or shades look worn, old, dingy. So you replace those. Now the walls and windows make the furniture look outdated. Okay so you cannot afford to replace the couch and the entertainment center but you can re-stain it or cover it. How much more will change it the life the two of you have built. Will you ask him to change...will he feel that even though you are not asking he doesn't have a choice. Whether we like it or not when we change...REALLY change it causing change it everything around us. I learned with my husband not to ask him what he felt. He doesn't like feelings. He can't control them. Instead I ask him what he thinks. Ask your hubby what he is thinking. Is he changing? Is he thinking he is the drapes in your life? Give him options in replying. Let him write a letter if he is uncomfortable saying it to you. You might even want to put it in a letter to him. Whatever, you do keep that line of communication open.
I wish you the very best! Good Luck!!!

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NBENITEZ 9/23/2010 10:55AM

  My neighbor started loosing weight and then left her husband with that said, I guess it is something that happens. Just listening and letting him know that you love him, in other words, making him feel there is nothing to be worried about, should be suffice. Its good for him to share his feelings and it sounds like you are being sensitive and understanding and basically that should be enough. As long as you don't really change yourself away from him, he will come around and start to see he has nothing to worry about, other than how to enjoy the changes in you and with you ;-)

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SWEETMOMMY41 9/23/2010 10:55AM

  it sounds like you have a wonderful,supportive husband to help you get to your goal weight. i am a single mom, so i get my support from family and friends. i want to enjoy time with my daughter as she grows and learns. i no longer want to be the mom that has to sit down frequently when she wants to play with me or is playing a sport, such as baseball. since i started with sparkpeople, i have more energy and i am sitting down less frequently. good luck on your weight loss journey and have a terrific day!

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