Saturday, May 29, 2010
I'm feeling very helpless and useless right now. It feels odd to be sharing this here but I'm so frustrated and lost that I felt the need to get it out and post it in a safe place where none of my family and people from my community will be able to read it. My feelings are too confused and raw right now to share with those around me.
A very dear friend I've known since HS and who has also been my neighbor for the past 25 years, lost her husband of nearly 30 years tonight. The worst part is last I knew, she still didn't know. We've been trying to reach her all evening. She travels as a consultant and we're afraid she may be out of state. We were very concerned her about 17 year old son. He was out with friends when it happened and we didn't want him to come home to an empty house. We finally got word that the police had him with them but they still hadn't reached his mother. They also have a 27 year old son that lives all the way across the country in California. The last time he was home was at Christmas.
Her husband was a retired trooper and he had been on disability for a serious back injury for the past couple years. The only way he was comfortable was flat on his back so he had pretty much been house bound for quite some time. He finally had surgery last month which was suppose to help him out substantially but he hadn't been recovering anywhere near as well as they had hoped. He was still in a lot of pain and on some pretty serious pain meds. So strong, in fact, that they were causing hallucinations and loss of memory. She stopped by to visit for a short time last weekend and she confided in me that she was very concerned he was becoming addicted to them.
Tonight, while he was home alone, he managed to get out of the house and a short ways down the road, where he shot himself. He may have been hallucinating but he was aware enough to wait til his son left for the evening and enough to get out of the house and out of their yard before he took his own life. He walked down the road to where he could be certain that 3 other neighbors would see and hear him before he did it. He did everything he could to spare his family any added pain. I hope God blesses him for that. I know how difficult it must have been for him to make it that far and I'm certain he couldn't have made it any further.
I know he was in pain and I know he felt his life was pointless but I still never would have thought he was suicidal. The sad thing is, he probably did the best thing he could have for himself. His pain was unbearable the majority of the time and he had just recently realised he was losing himself to the pain meds. To go from being such a strong, capable man to barely being able to stand up and walk and to live that way for so long, had to be depressing. He truly had very little quality of life and he had become very difficult to be around because he was so miserable from the pain. He is finally pain free but he leaves behind a wife and two sons who I know will be haunted by his choice to take his own life.
I'm sitting here thinking of her and the boys and wondering if they all know yet. I want to be there for her but it's late and I'm sure she has family with her, if she's made it home yet. I can't get the thought of her being over 2000 miles away from home and hearing the news. I pray that's not the case. I pray she was on her way home. Surely he would have taken that into consideration. I hate to think what she is going through. I know there is very little I can offer her right now. She'll need me in the days ahead but it's killing me to sit here and do nothing right now.
I can't sleep because my thoughts are of him and all the times we have shared through the years. Our families have been very close for a very long time. His recent turn for the worst made it impossible for us to see him. He could barely get out of bed and didn't feel much like having visitors. The last time we actually saw him was just before he went in for the surgery that was suppose to turn his life around again. He put so much hope in it being successful and he seemed worse off after it than he was before.
If you are the type to pray, please pray for his family; Sue, Ben and Ryan. They have a difficult road ahead of them and will need God's grace and healing hand, as well as help from Him in understanding all of this. Death is never easy but death by suicide adds so many questions and what ifs. So many that will probably never be answered. I hope he left them a note to help them come to terms with his choice.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I haven't done P90X since last Friday due to a trip to Las Vegas. Thank goodness I did do tons of walking! I slept most of yesterday to catch up since I traveled all night and today it's catch up at the office. I'm planning to push myself into a bike ride when I get home today and jump right back on the P90X bandwagon tomorrow morning. the tough thing about taking days off like that, is I never know where to jump back in. Cardio X is always good but so is Arms and Shoulders. Core Syn is another goodie. Hmmmmm..... What shall it be? With all this off again/on again I feel kind of silly posting Week whatever - Day whatever. Guess I'll have to get a little more creative with my blog titles. Now, to get my body moving again. Walking around Vegas just didn't seem like exercise, except for the sore feet, aching knees, dripping sweat, ..... ok, so it WAS exercise after all. It just didn't feel like it! Maybe because I was wearing flip flops instead of sneakers.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I haven't done Ab Ripper X yet but I did 40 minutes of concentrated ab work of my own last night and another 10 minutes today, plus I did Arms and Shoulders today as well. I pushed my self harder through this routine than I ever have before. I did what I like to think of as supersets. As soon as I knew what was next I jumped right into it, not waiting for Tony to start, then when I was done, I hit NEXt on my dvd player to Instant Forward to the next exercise, which I started immediately and then repeated it again for the third. After the I completed the third, I went right back through all three with no break. I did the entire workout like this with 10 pound weights for ALL exercises. With the exception of the fly exercises I did 15-20 reps of each. Since I was using a heavier weight, I only got 10 -12 of the fly routines but using 5 pound weights did nothing for me even at 20 reps.
Something funny happened when I turned the TV on to set up my DVD. A talk show was on. I have no idea who it was since I never watch them but I know it wasn't Ellen or Oprah. Anyway, back to my story, the host and another woman, both about 10 years younger than me, were flapping their chicken wings. Ya know what I mean? That loose skin that hangs down from your triceps. Well guess what, try as I may, I CAN'T FLAP! Correction - I have NOTHING to flap! That I would see that just as I began this routine was comical and it did wonders for my self esteem! So, Tony's neck is safe for another day. I actually kind of like him right now. I reserve the right to change my opinion on a moments notice though. Especially since I think I've talked myself into giving Plyo a shot tomorrow. Anything is better than Yoga X, right? At least I hope it's better. I can't take another routine I hate as much as Yoga X.
So, if I've peaked your interest, or if you're afraid for Tony's neck, tune in tomorrow.....
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Core Syn. Well I was feeling more like my ol' self today but still not 100% Sinus issues are nasty! At least the headache is gone. I made it through all but a few exercises and I definitely got my sweat on. I'm even toying with the idea of a bike ride when I get home, so I know I'm feeling better. I upped my push ups again today and I'm feeling it again today as well. In fact last night just before going up to bed, I gave myself a challenge to drop and give me 20, and I DID! 20 full fledged, honest to goodness, you could recognise they were push ups, push ups! Even when I was doing them every night several years ago, I never made it past 10 at a time. I think the difference is it's not just the push ups that are building those muscles this time around since I'm doing P90X. I can feel it in the downward dog, upward dog, plank, and several others, and even though I hate the yoga X sequence with all those moves, I have no problem doing them during core syn or any of the other routines. The difference is the sheer quantity he expect us to do during Yoga X. I simply CAN'T do that many consecutively, nor do I want to.
I'll most likely do arms and shoulders tomorrow and I think I'll do Ab Ripper X tonight. As for Thursday, I may just try the Plyo Routine. It kind of scares me and I never had to do it during lean but since I'm doing my own version of doubles, I guess I should give it a shot. It can't possibly be worse than Yoga X and I lived through that a few times before I kicked it to the curb.
The best part of all is as of this AM I was down 1.5 pounds in the past 6 days. The doubles are definitely the key to me losing.
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