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R.I.P. Bubba-boy

Friday, February 03, 2012

Sigh.... today has been a bittersweet day. I watched my oldest horse slowly leave our world. This is only the second horse I've ever lost and I lost them both to old age. They were the best of friends when they were together and if he had lived just 5 more days, he would have died on the anniversary of her death.

Now they are together again and I know they are very happy. Ironically they both lived nearly 30 years. I had both of them from the time they were youngsters. Bravado, the one I lost today, was only a year old when I got him and Katrina was 2 months when I got her.

Those of you who I have known a while may remember me talking about my old fella that loved the babies. Well this was him. He had my two weanlings in with him right up until he went down this morning. I had to move them to another paddock because they couldn't understand why he wouldn't get up. They kept nudging him and even grabbing his blanket with their teeth and pulling on it. Heartwrenching!

He will be dearly missed but I've suspected this was coming for a little over a week now so I was ready to say goodbye. He had so many wonderful quirks about him. If anyone forgot to latch the stall door, he would open it. He wouldn't come out but he preferred not to look through the bars. As I mentioned, he absolutely adored the babies! Whenever I weaned one, we would put it in with him to help ease the separation from their mama. He was so gentle but he also demanded respect. He was very good at patiently teaching them manners, while loving them. Very much like a loving grandfather.

He definitely had a soft spot for the girls on the farm. It was not at all unusual to come in the barn and find him in a box stall with 2 or three mares and maybe even a foal or two with him. He would not allow any of the geldings to enter the stall with him but the mares and the babies were always welcome.

Bubba also loved his people and if you asked him for a kiss, he would promptly reach his muzzle to your lips and allow you to give him one. He was more like an oversized dog than a 900 pound horse. On just about any summer day, people driving by would see our big grey lawn ornament. We allowed him to roam free when ever we were home and he would graze peacefully on the front lawn, walking up to say hello any time one of us walked by. When he missed his friends in the paddock, he would casually walk back to the barn, open the stall door and let himself back out to the pasture.

God makes a few horses who are wise beyond their years and Bubba was one of them. Wise and gentle and patient and affectionate and I could go on and on.....

Bubba at his best, babysitting a weanling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIN59VARA 2/11/2012 9:29AM

    So sorry to hear of your loss. I loved reading about him and seeing his pictures

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SKINNYSOON13 2/11/2012 9:25AM

    Awww Tammy :-( I'm sorry for your loss, but you sound like you're doing good with it. Love the picture of him babysitting. :-)

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ZUMBARUNNER 2/8/2012 1:09PM

    So sorry for you loss, he sounds like he was a very special horse.

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BUTRFNGRZ 2/7/2012 7:40PM


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MARIR23 2/6/2012 10:21PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss (((( HUGS ))))

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PEACEJENN 2/5/2012 12:44AM

    Oh Tammy, my heart goes out to you. emoticon

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VIAFREE 2/4/2012 6:52PM

    So sorry about your Bubba leaving. It is wonderful that you had 30 yrs with such a great horse. It's something really special about people who loves animals so fiercely and sincerly. He is beautiful. Hugs to you for both your losses in only a short time. Hang in there.

Peace to you emoticon

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JENS_DOIN_IT 2/4/2012 3:22PM

    The biggest of (((HUGS))) to you Tammy!! emoticon emoticon

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    Tammy, what a wonderful tribute to an old and dear friend. You have had far too much of this saying good bye to your "fur" family since I've known you sweetie. You are a strong woman. I can picture the two old friends reunited and romping as if they are young weanlings again. Smiling through the tears. emoticon

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CMA444 2/4/2012 6:37AM

    I am so sorry for your loss! He is in a better place now. Remember all of the wonderful years that you had him! God will take care of him.

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    Tammy I'm thinking about you losing another dear friend and family member and my heart and prayers are with you! What a wonderful tribute you wrote about him! I too wish I could have known this special horse! He will be missed however he lived a great life and is together with his best friend romping around in Heaven's pastures! You too take care my friend!

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DEBSZOO74 2/4/2012 1:15AM

    Tammy, I'm so very sorry for your loss! You wrote such a beautiful tribute to your very special friend. As I was reading about Bubba's special qualities, I couldn't help but wish that I'd been lucky enough to know him. emoticon

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TEXASKATEY 2/4/2012 12:31AM

    Oh, Tammy, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard when the animals we've come to love have to be let go. My prayers are with you and your nephew, who both surely had a very hard day.

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FITAT50 2/3/2012 11:40PM

    Tammy, so sorry you've lost another dear friend. He sounded like a truly amazing and special animal and friend. emoticon

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    I didn't get to finish my comment earlier but I truly am sorry for your loss. That was one special horse and he was your baby. I know you had a special connection with him and it is hard to say goodbye. However, he will live on in your memory and in pictures for the rest of your life. It would be amazing to have such a good horse and friend. I'm praying for you. Hugs!!!!

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BRIDGIE1028 2/3/2012 10:28PM

    Oh Tammy you made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful horse, but I'm sure so much of that is because you are a wonderful horsie mama.

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SMILESHINE81 2/3/2012 10:05PM

    So sorry to read his passing, but it sounds like he had the best life a horse could have. emoticon

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DAS92687 2/3/2012 9:37PM

    Sounds like he had a wonderful life emoticon

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POSTIECHICK 2/3/2012 9:29PM

    Tammy I am so sorry for your loss emoticon

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TEKRU1 2/3/2012 9:00PM

    emoticon What a beautiful blog and a wonderful friend! So sorry for your loss!

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    Animals sure have a way of becoming a part of our family. We mourn their passing like that of another family member. So sorry to hear about Bubba.

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FTLSWEETIE 2/3/2012 7:59PM

    What a beautiful tribute to such a lovely horse, friend and family member. It's so hard to lose members of our family, and I know he was one of yours. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this trying time. May the memories through the years heal you and help you find peace.

Big Hugs!

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A-STRONGER-ME 2/3/2012 7:57PM

    Oh Tammy, very sorry for your loss. You did him proud with this blog.

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AMARILYNH 2/3/2012 7:53PM

    Wow Tammy - that was an amazing tribute! Our animals truly become family members - I know he'll be sorely missed.

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SMALLERSHEEP 2/3/2012 7:48PM

    Aww Tammy what a beautiful way to say farewell. Hugs to you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as I know how hard it is to lose a member of the family.

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EM4488 2/3/2012 7:29PM

    Oh, I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your horsey. He sounds wonderful and I'm so glad he was with you for so long. Hugs!

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APRILELAINE130 2/3/2012 7:04PM

    Such beautiful words for an obviously beautiful soul. Hugs my friend. You gave him a wonderful full life.

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FITLIKENIC 2/3/2012 6:53PM


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    I'm sorry Tammy. They were beautiful.

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JECKIE 2/3/2012 6:47PM

    I'm so sorry, Tammy. Our animal family is such a bittersweet blessing. emoticon

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MONIKA1948 2/3/2012 6:46PM

    What a touching blog. I' so sorry for your loss. emoticon

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ANNEV2012 2/3/2012 6:05PM

    I am sorry for your loss, I know how much it hurts. emoticon

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    Oh Tammy! How beautiful a tribute to such a magnificent friend. I'm so sorry!!

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I absolutely REFUSE to make yet another New Year's Resolution!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I have been toying with what I would resolve to do this year and I kept coming back to the same thing. Resolutions, while great in theory, are, in reality, only temporary. So I did a little "Year in Review" to get a feel for where I am vs where I had resolved to be.

I set my 2011 FM goal at 18000 but I fell short by quite a bit, finishing the year with 10690. I knew it would be a challenge but I wanted to set my sights high.

My mileage goal for 2011 was 25 miles per week, which again was very lofty but I did log 559.05, which really shocked me! And that's just walk/run miles. No bike miles included.

I had considered changing both my goals for 1012 to what would seem to be more reasonable but I've decided to stick with lofty instead.

My all time high for 2011 was 183 last January and my all time low was 168 in April. Unfortunately I'm starting this January right about the same place I started last January and this has got to stop! Yes I had an injury that sidetracked me and some major stressors with the loss of several pets in a short period of time, as well as trouble with my kids but those things are facts of life and I'm going to have to learn to deal with them without allowing them to deal me such blows. I am so sick of setting New Years resolutions and not meeting them or adopting new lifestyles only to let them slip away over time. I know I'm not in my 20s anymore and losing at 50 is definitely a greater challenge than it was in my 20s and even my 30s but that doesn't change the fact that I am the only one who can do this for me and I am the only one who will suffer if I don't. I had such high hopes a year ago and I'm sitting here afraid to admit to them again and then fail to achieve. I've seen Marsha, Mimi, Debbie, Rachel and Marilyn all do it, so I know it is possible. I know I'm the one to blame for allowing life to trip me up and lead me to temptation but it's doesn't make the bitter pill any easier to swallow. I held my ground around 168-169 from April to June but the heat of July stopped me from running and I never replaced my running with another exercise on a consistent basis. So the road map is clear. My recipe for success AND failure is written in my SP history via weigh ins, calorie logs, fitness records and blogs. There is no denying what went wrong and why. I can't hide behind excuses because the facts are clear. Now what I need to do is get going - yet again - and KEEP going no matter what life throws at me. While I will continue to take care of my BLC team to the best of my ability, I know I need to take care of myself with the same determination. Lead by example! That's always been my motto but I haven't always lived by it. And while I know no one else can do it for me, I am humbly asking for your help and support regardless. And as much as it pains me to say it, yes, the occasional whip lashing too. (My Sheriffs will appreciate that comment) I am not immune to the need for accountability. I'm baring my soul and asking my SPfriends for help. I can't do it alone. I need you!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Together we CAN! I have some pointy red boots I can coerce you with! :)

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CKENTFIELD 1/5/2012 1:49PM

    I packed on 12 and have to wear my size 12's again. Despite that my New Years Resolution is to cut back on my swearing. I do not need to sound like Eddie Murphy's stand up comedy routine. One day at a time. Don't beat yourself up. This year will be better.

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ANDREA963 1/4/2012 11:54AM

    Is this my blog? I swear we had the same last year or very similar. My low - high is 15 pounds too! 15!!!

I have an idea to see if you are interested. I'll write you. :)

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    You do set the example Cappy! Remember it ain't all about the scale. It's how you encourage us to be our best and refuse to listen to the insidious whispers of capitulation. You rock!

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    Did I read this correctly??? Oh CHELLE!.....Tammy are you actually handing the whip over to us to use on you? Well let the good times roll! hahahahhaha just joshin ya! Seriously though I HEAR you girlfriend! I will be here for you and you can be here for me and we can all be here on SP for each other! Remember you HAVE learned healthy habits and you do know what works for you, as do I. So I say.....LET'S DO IT! I will, will you?? i KNOW you can!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CMA444 1/3/2012 3:14PM

    I understand where you are coming from! I'm currently up (ok alot up) from the last weigh in for the last round of BLC. I completely went back to my old bad habits. 2012 is going to be my year and yours. We can do this together!

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AMARILYNH 1/3/2012 2:43PM

    I'm in Tammy - we can DO this!! I'm all for lofty goals - so what if you don't quite make them? You'll still be way ahead of where you'd have been without goals!!

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AKASHELLY 1/3/2012 2:21PM

    So true about resolutions. I will help Crack the whip just Please help me too.
Let the good times roll.

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JECKIE 1/3/2012 2:17PM

    I think you're where I was last April. I'd promised myself for years that this was going to be "it" and ended up at the same place time and again.

Let's do this together. We have to do it for ourselves, but nothing says we can't share the fun! We're close enough that we can meet up and make this happen! ;)

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Not the Christmas I expected.......

Monday, December 26, 2011

I have a history of getting stressed out and depressed at Christmas time. Not always, but more often than I care for. This Christmas was to be the first Christmas ever that I didn't have my mom and/or my dad to share the day with my family and I. My mother and her DH left for their winter home in NC back in October and my dad and his DW left shortly after Thanksgiving for their place in FL. My oDD, who is living in Boston now, was only planning to spend 24 hours of her 5 day weekend with us, my oDS and mDD leave for a week in FL with my dad and his DW this Saturday, after which mDD goes back to college for J-Term.

All my life, family has been HUGE to me. I moved from NY to FL when I was in my early 20s and ended up moving home just shy of a year because I had my first Christmas without family and hated it! It just made me miss them more. At that time, I still had all 4 of my GPs living, as well as a GGM. My biggest fear at the time was losing one of them while I was 3000 miles away.

My GGM was the first to go, when I was pregnant for my 3rd child. I lost one of my GFs two years later. The other 3 GPs lived to see all 5 of my children born and were able to share more than one Christmas with them. My last GP, a GM, passed away last winter but not til after Christmas was well behind us.

For many years I was very fortunate to be surrounded by so many loving family members for the holidays. For obvious reasons, I was silently dreading this Christmas season, as a season of have nots. I kept trying to think of ways to make the holidays special in a different way. Something that would prevent me from dwelling on the fact that, for the first time since I came home from FL nearly 30 years ago, my parents would not share the day with me, the fact that my oDD would be with us for so little time, the fact that I would be seeing two more of my children off before the New Year and the fact that only one would be coming home for a bit more time before his college resumed. I thought of going to our camp for an old fashioned Christmas. I bought a few new games we could play together. I brainstormed trying to come up with other ideas that would help me enjoy the time and people I did have with me and I just couldn't come up with anything that seemed promising in the least. With my history of depression around the holidays, I was very fearful that I would be so overcome with all I was missing this Christmas, that I wouldn't be able to enjoy what I had.

My children wanted everything to stay the same. I can't say that I was surprised since I have raised them on traditions that we have cherished. So we stayed home, the children exchanged their presents Christmas Eve, we watched them open their presents from us Christmas morning and we had our traditional Christmas brunch, minus both sets of my parents. Instead we had oDD and mDDs BFs join us for brunch and they both stayed for a few hours afterwards. Other than that, the only thing we did differently was rather than going to my dad's for Christmas dinner as a family, my oDD left early afternoon and the six of us remaining, shared our first Christmas dinner at home, alone, in our dining room.

For the first time, I didn't have anyone else bringing a dish to share and my DDs didn't help with the cooking like they have in the past. I didn't have the fruit dish my mother always brings or the ham my stepmom brings. My sticky buns failed because it got so cold Christmas Eve that they didn't rise overnight to be cooked in the morning. My mDD turned off the "empty" oven that I was preheating while we opened presents, which in turn, meant that my egg bake was not ready when everything else was and I had to serve it before it had cooled and set, which made it much runnier than usual. My mulled cider was mulled without cinnamon sticks because my yDD had used the entire jar to stir her cider with the previous week and had neglected to tell me the brand new jar was emptied two days earlier.

So .... how did it go? Did I suffer from depression as I expected? Surprisingly, no! Instead I found myself watching my five children and the the two BFs interact over brunch. I daydreamed about what the future will bring as BFs become husbands, my boys find wives and children are added. I know it's still many years down the road. My oDD still has two years of grad school to complete. My oDS has 3 more years of college. MDD is only a college freshman, yDD is a HS Junior and yDS is in 8th grade. There will be Christmases in our future where we may not all be together as my children continue to grow and become adults with lives, jobs, futures and families of their own that most likely will prevent them from being at our table Christmas morning.

At the end of the day, as I sat with my DH and two of my DDs, watching a Christmas movie, I realized I actually felt ...... peaceful! So many things had gone wrong. So many loved ones were not with us. I had plenty more to be sad about than in previous years but all I felt was peaceful. Why? The only explanation I have is .... God's loving grace filled my heart when I truly needed Him to. Even tonight, 24 hours later, I am still feeling that same peace. Peace and true contentment. After a very difficult six months, God's grace reigns supreme and when I most needed Him, He gave me peace. What a wonderful gift! How fitting that I should receive such a gift on His birthday. I am truly blessed!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RETURNTOTHIN 2/25/2012 2:51PM

    I scooted over here and read you blog.... Oh, yes, Christmas traditions do change. your blog was encouraging to me because I have not been in the giving spirit at Christmas since my divorce (almost 30 years.) It seems too "commercial" and I am so overwhelmed that Jesus came to earth knowing He was going to die on the cross, that I am very quiet and pensive at Christmas these days. But your blog was encouraging to me.... and I have to remember I can mix the two... being giving and being overwhelmed with Jesus love.... thanks for this post!

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ANDREA963 1/3/2012 10:23AM

    Good for you. You're in a good place for starting the new year and have a lot to look forward to in your dreams for the years to come. Beautiful blog.

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SHOOTIN4STARS 12/27/2011 9:01PM

    That sounds delightful. Glad to hear you found peace and joy this year!

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AKASHELLY 12/27/2011 7:24PM

    Great blog, thanks for sharing. Like Marilyn said it brought tears to my eyes.

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AMARILYNH 12/27/2011 6:33PM

    Wow Tammy - that brought tears to my eyes! Peace is truly the greatest gift - I'm glad God sent His to you!! Change is a part of life - but if you continue to look for the good in life He always shows it to you!! Here's to 2012 being YOUR year!! emoticon

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FITNHEALTHYKAL 12/27/2011 6:01AM

    What a wonderful blog and Christmas gift and blessings Tammy! Christmas is a VERY difficult time of year for MANY so you are most definitely not along but look at the gift you were given - PEACE!!!! Love you sweetie!

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THETURTLEBEAR 12/27/2011 12:09AM

    Wow Tammy! What an amazing blessing! I had a really different and challenging holiday too. I'm hanging in there, but I haven't accomplished "peaceful" or close. So glad to hear that you did.

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SKIRNIR 12/26/2011 10:58PM

    I am sorry that your parents and such couldn't be with you this Christmas, but glad that other family came and that you enjoyed Christmas this year. I also find Christmas a bit depressing often times. But this year wasn't so bad.

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Looking back.....

Monday, November 21, 2011

In an attempt to measure how far I've come so far in 2011, I took a walk down memory lane through my blogs. What I was looking for was my starting WIN but what I found was more inspiration.

I can still recall the feelings I had while typing that blog. Right now, while I'm returning to running after being away due to an injury, my feelings and confidence are all over the map. I use to run 8 miles 3 times a week as my normal training. Now I'm running 4 miles and watching my times. Today I was very pleased with the first 2 miles, running at a 4.88 average mph pace including my warm up walk but by the end of my four miles, my average time had dropped. Grrr! My goal is to run at a pace of 5mph. While my speed has improved, my endurance has dropped. I think God must have realized where my head was at. Bringing me back to that blog, and I have NEVER returned to a previous blog before, was exactly what I needed to remind me that the impossible IS possible. If this week is a repeat of last week, my Wednesday run will be slower, much slower, with much more walking. Last week that really deflated me. This week, after reading my blog, I know it's just a stepping stone back to where I want to be. It doesn't define my capabilities. It simply shows me where I am TODAY. While I know the fact that I'm working on speed for the first time ever, has alot to do with my stamina, I was still grumbling to myself about what I felt was an inferior performance. Now I am looking at this with clearer vision. After all I'm starting with 4 milers, half of what I had worked my way up to as a regular run before my injury. Sometimes looking back is a GREAT way to look forward.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AZURELITE 12/12/2011 7:39AM

    Sounds like you're on the right track, Tammy! And congrats on being MOD today too!

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ANDREA963 12/1/2011 12:18PM

    I remember when you started running in the winter. :) You're amazing. I had forgotten how helpful it is to read blogs! I was popping in and out some yesterday reading blogs. It really is a big part of the success at Spark. I need to re-read my spark book. 5.0mph pace is a great goal Tammy and I'm sure you'll hit it! :)

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SPECIALGURL7 11/21/2011 9:25PM

    You know they do say not to look back, but to keep looking forward. Sometimes you do have to look back to see where you are going. Those things can rekindle the fire that may be slowly going out. Thanks for your words to go back which can help me to refocus. emoticon

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THETURTLEBEAR 11/21/2011 8:09PM

    You are emoticon

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SKIRNIR 11/21/2011 6:45PM

    Had to go back and read the post you reference, then I had to go find your HM report. I have never walked my first HM yet and not sure when I will. Not many around here, Wisconsin, in the winter, but there is one in later April 2012 that I think allows longer times, since as a walker, I am going to be a long timer. Just haven't gotten up the nerve, as the weather may be like your first HM and I just fear I might have asthma trouble and not finish.

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PEACEJENN 11/21/2011 2:24PM

    OH That's wonderful Tammy!!! Don't be so hard on yourself you'll get there! It'll take time to get back into the groove, but I know you won't stop until you got it! :)

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AMARILYNH 11/21/2011 2:08PM

    Tammy, your blog brought a BIG smile to my face! You've GOT it! I've always said that getting to the point that you can run 2 miles without stopping is harder than training for a marathon!! Once you can run two miles its all a matter of training, adding a mile to your long run every week or two!! You can run 4 so you are way ahead of the game!! My suggestion would be to make the 4 your 'long run' and run less on the other two days of the week for a week or two (or a few weeks). Give your body time to work back up to where you were before. Keep it fun - because fun things are things we continue to do for a lifetime!! emoticon

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Full Accountability Week - Day Three

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Today's WIN 178.8 +/- 0

CALORIES - Daily Goal: 1,200 - 1,550 Actual:2,174 emoticon 624

CARBS- Daily Goal: 135 - 252 Actual:273 emoticon 21

FAT- Daily Goal: 27 - 60 Actual: 62 emoticon 2

PROTEIN- Daily Goal: 60 - 136 Actual:69 emoticon

FMs: 0 emoticon

Calories Burned: Daily Goal: 431 Actual: 0 emoticon

Water: 0 emoticon

Posting: emoticon

NOTE: Anniversary celebration dinner. Surprized DH with his favorite - lasagna, which I ate and STILL didn't post a gain!

ETA: Truth time - I knew my numbers were bad today and I really didn't want to log BUT pretending it didn't happen doesn't make it so and this is a lifetime journey, not a diet! My numbers aren't ALWAYS going to be good. The fact that everything shown above SHOULD have = a gain, but didn't shows that a lifetime jouney can allow for the occassional indulgence, esp when I have something worth celebrating. A diet, I can't continue indefinitely. A lifetime journey, I can, esp. when it allows me to enjoy and indulge on occassion, without guilt

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THETURTLEBEAR 11/19/2011 1:30PM

    You are SOOOOO right. BTW El Cappy, I signed up for BLC18 yesterday. Thanks for letting me know you can put up with me just the way I am!

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BARKLESSWAGMORE 11/19/2011 10:38AM

    Way to go Tammy! I always feel so "nervous" about posting "bad" numbers but when I do I feel better for not being in denial and lying to MYSELF and others! Good for you! You GO Girl and start a new day each day!!


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MRSBUCKEYE 11/19/2011 10:26AM

    I liked the way you track this - and leave it for everyone to view. Mind if I borrow your idea ??

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