Thursday, November 21, 2013
When I started my BLC journey 5 years ago, I was at my all time high of 198. Effective today I am down to 152, very close to my goal of somewhere between 138 and 142. My DH and I just celebrated our Silver Wedding anniversary this week. In looking at pictures with my kids, I was astonished to see the difference in my face, most of which has occurred in the past 10 weeks.
The first pic is from our 20th anniversary, 5 years ago, at my heaviest - 198. The second is from this past June - 175. Not much difference. The third is early November - 155ish I think at the time. I can't believe how fat my face was before!
Now I'm anxious to dig out some FBS pics so I can really compare! And to commemorate our 25th anniversary DH and I are having a portrait done next week. I'm actually looking forward to it! And to think I've been avoiding the camera for the past 15 years!
Sunday, November 10, 2013
For the past 7-10 days I've been struggling with my goals. I mentioned before that hitting a normal BMI made me complacent. I found myself in my old pattern of "I've reached a goal I didn't think I could, so now I can relax a bit." As in the past, I found myself coming head to head with my self imposed glass ceiling. My inner voice was trying to convince me that I had arrived so it was ok to relax and enjoy the view. However, my goal was still just over the horizon. Still 16 pounds away. I started wondering if that goal was still something I should strive for or if I should listen to my inner voice that was telling me I looked good, I felt good, I was happy with what I saw in the mirror and my clothes were ALL baggy! Size 8 jeans! BAGGY!! Large tops! BAGGY! So....if I was in medium tops and size 6 jeans, did it matter that the scale was at 154 instead of 138? How do you argue with your inner voice when you like what you see and have accomplished?
And so it went, ....back and forth, back and forth.....
The plus side to this whole battle is I now know that I can eat "off plan" and still maintain. Obviously I can't go nuts but I can - within reason - stray off plan, enjoy a few indulgences and get right back to where I was before, in just a few days. I've learned that much of the rapid weigh gain I experience from those indulgences, isn't fat. It's inflammation (fluid!) and eliminating the offending food item(s) will also eliminate the accompanying bloating.
But back to my battle....
I shared my turmoil with friends, teammates and my PT/N. I voiced my conflicting emotions. I did some soul searching. And I've come to a few conclusions.
First, I think my turmoil has been made worse by the fact that TOM is approaching and for the first time since adopting "my plan", I have been battling the inner voice that wants carbs! I've won a few and lost a few. The problem is that every battle I lose, creates a stronger urge for more carbs. It's a never ending battle. So, the only way I will beat it is to cut it off cold turkey! It will take a few days to regain my control and fighting TOM makes it that much tougher BUT I Know I can do it because I've done it before!
Second, knowing the holidays are upon us, and knowing my calendar is more full than not, I realize I will have more temptations to face than I normally would. I find myself asking the question, "Do I want to enjoy the foods of the holidays and then resume the battle in January?" I'd be lying if I said part of me didn't like that idea. In fact the part of me that's tempted is my worst enemy. It's telling me I've already made more progress that I ever thought possible in 2013, so why not relax and enjoy for a bit? I'm not giving up. I'm simply taking a hiatus. That's perfectly acceptable, right? I even considered changing my goal from the number on the scale to something physical for the next 6 weeks. But THAT'S not what I really want! What I really want is to reach my goal!
So I've decided to recommit to my journey and see this through to completion. No more carb cycling. That just sends me back in to yoyo mode. It's what I've done the past two weeks. Enjoy the weekends and then spend M-W reclaiming lost ground. I'm back on plan 100%. I have the ST and cardio under control. That hasn't been the issue. Now I'm going to get the food back under control. I don't need to indulge every weekend. I am fully capable of saying no! So today is my new ! And it's by far the best I've ever experienced. I'm up a few pounds from WIN but I know why and I know how to get rid of it quickly. By Tuesday or Wednesday, I'll be back to 154 and then I will start fresh on my journey to 138. I won't worry about when i will reach it. I'll just focus on making progress towards it. I've already shared my desire with my PT/N and she is revamping my plan to attack this head on. So Wednesday will be my new beginning. New ST plan. New cardio plan. Renewed commitment to MY PLAN! My goal is 138 and I will reach it!
Thursday, November 07, 2013
I had another TOUGH ST session yesterday and I'm sore again today. I thought my push-ups were great a week ago. Well, we concentrated on refining them this week and as of yesterday, according to my PT, they are PERFECT! According to my muscle soreness, they must be cuz my pecs are killing me! TOM is on the way and my hormones are def off. Plus I didn't sleep well Tuesday night, so my ST was that much harder yesterday. I knew going in that I wasn't functioning at peak. So we took my RDL down to 3x8 105, instead of 3x6 115. Dropped my OHP from 75 to 65 for the day. All else stayed the same. I pushed to failure on everything so I'm happy. I've had a few revelations lately that just prove how strong my mind is getting, right along with my body. Use to be if my scale was up, it sent me into a tailspin. I felt like a complete failure and tore myself apart mentally and emotionally. Now, with my new healthy eating, I know certain foods and drinks are going to make the scale rise - sometimes ALOT! But since I have identified those foods, I also know it's TOTALLY temporary. Case in point - we went out for Mexican to celebrate my yDSs birthday on Saturday. Sunday my scale was up to 159! That's over 5 pounds overnight! FLUID!!!! Not fat!! Fluid from my body attacking the foods that it is sensitive to, that it sees as a threat! I got back to basics, eating just what my body needs and thrives on and totally eliminating everything my body is sensitive to and by Tuesday, I was back to 154.4. If that's not enough proof that I am in control mentally AND physically, I have another example. The first time I wasn't "feeling it" for my work out, I felt like a failure. I was disappointed that I couldn't lift what I had the week before. I beat myself up, internally calling myself a failure. Yesterday, lack of sleep and hormones played a part in my ability. I saw it during my rowing warm up. I was just slower! I felt like I was casually rowing, rather than warming myself up for a good work out. No matter what, I couldn't pull it out of my reserve tank. But instead of letting that get me down, I just accepted it as where I was at the time. I understood it was temporary and just where my body was for the day. I shared my insight with my coach. She said she could see it in my eyes, my face. I looked tired. I WAS tired! So we took my wo down a notch and worked within my ability range - for the day! I was ok with that! No feelings of failure. No disappointment. Just personal acceptance. Now, I ask you, why has it taken me 52 years to come to a healthy acceptance of my body's changing ability? I can't possibly be at peak all the time. Stress, lack of sleep, hormones, emotions, quality of food, and so many other things play a part in where my head is at and my head decides where my body will be for the day. That's perfectly ok! To sum it up, I have become much kinder to myself. I understand and interpret my body so much better. So my RDL limit yesterday was 105. Next week it could very we be 125! We accept our limitations when we're sick. Why does it take us so long to do the same when we're just not quite feeling it? I can't answer that but I can tell you that when we reach that point, it's incredibly empowering!! So, my weight no longer controls me because I know what I need to do to fix it when it's out of whack. And I know it's only TEMPORARY! My performance level no longer controls me because I know I will have daily fluctuations caused by any number of unrelated issues and that, too, is only TEMPORARY! Temporary DOES NOT determine my value! Only my specific point in time, which is TEMPORARY! I wish it hadn't taken me 52 years to realize all this but that's how long it took me to realize that what I eat has such a tremendous impact on my entire well being. No use crying over spilled milk. Whether 25 or 52 years, I'm here now and I'm moving forward. That's my reflection for this week!
Sunday, November 03, 2013
A funny thing happened to me last week when I realized I was FINALLY in the normal BMI range. I became complacent. Granted I started this journey as an obese individual, topping the scales at 198. But I want more than just normal!
It's true that I've been struggling to get back to a normal BMI for over 15 years! But complacent still isn't good enough! "Just normal" still isn't good enough! 154 pounds still isn't good enough! Granted, a few months ago I didn't think I'd ever see the 150s again, yet here I am!
However my ultimate goal is 138, so I still have a ways to go.
I still have work to do.
I still have better things in mind for myself.
So one week of complacency is all I'm allowing myself.
I have 16 pounds left to go and eight weeks get rid of it, if I'm going to reach my self imposed 2013 goal. So it's back to work for me. Yes, I have made amazing progress in the past 6 weeks but I'm not ready to throw in the towel and accept where I am today.
I WANT MORE!!! Or should I say less...... SIXTEEN POUNDS LESS!! And I WILL get there! If it's in my power,.... and with God's blessing, .... I WILL get there by December 31, 2013!
So it's back to work for me. Back to following MY plan for WL. Back to lifting heavy weights 3 days a week. Back to running 4+ miles 2-3 times a week. Back to pushing MY limits! Yes I have reason to celebrate BUT I don't have reason to quit! Not yet!!!
So if you see me slacking off, ask me what the heck I think I'm doing! Hold me accountable! Remind me I'm not finished yet! You don't quit running the half marathon when you hit Mile 10! You continue on until you cross the finish line at 13.1! Quitting early doesn't win you the medal. There's no fanfare There's no cheering crowd congratulating you for a job well done..... cuz you're NOT DONE YET! And neither am I!
16.4 pounds left to go. When I get rid of them, then I'll stop and celebrate! Until then, I'll continue to walk the walk and talk the talk. 24/7/365! My journey! My life!!
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