Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it, Begin it now.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I set my plan and then I begin. And begin, and begin again. You get the picture. I seem to always be beginning this journey. I guess you could say i'm a much better beginner than a finisher. I have told myself a million times this time is going to be the one to bring me to the finish line. The thing is the line keeps moving. I get close and then it is pulled back. Or I think it is anyways. I can see it through the mist but it just is always out of reach. My days begin in earnest and end up in dispair. I write, I blog, I journal, I count, I weigh, I set the plan. Yet at the end of the day i'm still a step away from reaching any of the goals I set for my day.
Tired? Hungry? Bored? Sad? These are all feelings i'm well aware of. I get home from work and without a plan I eat till bed. I'm tired and I eat instead of heading to bed. I'm bored on the weekends so I eat to fill it. Why not head out for a walk? I'm tired and that would take too much energy. Sad? Oh I have been battling depression for years now, I'm on meds which i've checked...don't harbor my weight. In fact I was doing great on them. So why now? Why the struggle to reach this end of the journey and move forward? Boredom with the plan? If so whos fault is that? What can I do to make this the best time of my life instead of seeming like so so much work?
These questions are all about my journey right now. I 'm the one with the answers, i'm the one that holds the key to my own success. I have to begin but I have to see it through till the end. This journey is full of stops and starts. It is when I decide to just stop the trouble will begin. For now it is a time of discovery. Some things I like about myself and others i'm not so sure of. On the outside looking in is where I feel like i'm at right now, but could I really be inside looking out and missing something else? Life is full of questions. I just have to keep searching for my answers...after all mine are not yours, my troubles aren't yours, and I need a hand to hold during this journey, not one to hold me up one to help pull myself up with. I can stand on my own two legs for this, every now and again I just need someone to walk along with me.
So, today I head out on my journey with many hands to hold. Spark has given me that. I have a great friend to walk this journey with and she is feeling just about like me right now and that means i'm not alone. Funny....how with spark we can never be alone. Makes the journey so much more worth while to have someone to share it with. People who understand and can lend support when needed, push you when they see your sliding, or give you a pat for a job well done. I'm so thankful that while I learn all about me I have somewhere to come and let it go and people will understand without wondering why I can't just be happy like I am.