MALEXANDER4   167,188
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Beginning is up to me!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011




Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it, Begin it now.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


I set my plan and then I begin. And begin, and begin again. You get the picture. I seem to always be beginning this journey. I guess you could say i'm a much better beginner than a finisher. I have told myself a million times this time is going to be the one to bring me to the finish line. The thing is the line keeps moving. I get close and then it is pulled back. Or I think it is anyways. I can see it through the mist but it just is always out of reach. My days begin in earnest and end up in dispair. I write, I blog, I journal, I count, I weigh, I set the plan. Yet at the end of the day i'm still a step away from reaching any of the goals I set for my day.

Tired? Hungry? Bored? Sad? These are all feelings i'm well aware of. I get home from work and without a plan I eat till bed. I'm tired and I eat instead of heading to bed. I'm bored on the weekends so I eat to fill it. Why not head out for a walk? I'm tired and that would take too much energy. Sad? Oh I have been battling depression for years now, I'm on meds which i've checked...don't harbor my weight. In fact I was doing great on them. So why now? Why the struggle to reach this end of the journey and move forward? Boredom with the plan? If so whos fault is that? What can I do to make this the best time of my life instead of seeming like so so much work?

These questions are all about my journey right now. I 'm the one with the answers, i'm the one that holds the key to my own success. I have to begin but I have to see it through till the end. This journey is full of stops and starts. It is when I decide to just stop the trouble will begin. For now it is a time of discovery. Some things I like about myself and others i'm not so sure of. On the outside looking in is where I feel like i'm at right now, but could I really be inside looking out and missing something else? Life is full of questions. I just have to keep searching for my answers...after all mine are not yours, my troubles aren't yours, and I need a hand to hold during this journey, not one to hold me up one to help pull myself up with. I can stand on my own two legs for this, every now and again I just need someone to walk along with me.

So, today I head out on my journey with many hands to hold. Spark has given me that. I have a great friend to walk this journey with and she is feeling just about like me right now and that means i'm not alone. Funny....how with spark we can never be alone. Makes the journey so much more worth while to have someone to share it with. People who understand and can lend support when needed, push you when they see your sliding, or give you a pat for a job well done. I'm so thankful that while I learn all about me I have somewhere to come and let it go and people will understand without wondering why I can't just be happy like I am.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTCHELLE75 6/1/2011 10:44AM

    You are never alone and the great thing is that you do have the answers so now you just have to figure it out. It's in you.

Depression is tough. I know. My mom is Bi-polar and it is just something that can take your breathe away at time.

But you CAN do this and you are worth it

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A new month begins

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Whatever you do, you need courage.
Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A new month for me means new goals to set, new plans, new energy. This is no different. I'm ready today to take on the next steps in my journey. I have been playing around with the last five pounds forever it seems and I do believe it is time to get this party started. No matter what anyone says i'm not at goal yet. I can't let the ones telling me I don't need to lose anymore deter me. I have heard it all, I almost think I may be believing it. I have to STOP, I need to go with my gut, with my doctor, and with my own peace of mind. I have a friend that we started this journey with some almost three years ago. She quit, came back, and quit again. She is not on spark right now but trying to do right. She told me yesterday for the first time how much she hated the way she looked and felt. That was the first time she has ever said that to me. I always just thought she was ok with herself and who am I to judge, push, or prod anyone. I have my own struggles i'm working to overcome, mindless eating is a big one, and feelings. So I guess when we see things from the outside looking in we don't always see the same things as they see looking out.

I have reset my own goals for the month of June. I know now i'm not alone outside of spark. We are all going through things. Life isn't easy for any of us right now. I need to work on my feelings of never measureing up. People don't understand this but for me no matter how hard I work I never seem to come out on top. Others do and I have to watch from the sidelines. I will think today i'm on top of the world and WHAM I get knocked back and made to take another look at myself. I think I know the lord does this so I don't get on my high horse and I know that envy is a bad green monster.....i'm working on being happy with me but it is tough. I have always been the black sheep in my family. I never seemed to do what others felt I should and for that I will always be on the sidelines. Is this a abad place to be? Depends I guess. Sometimes I see that i'm not like the rest and that is a good way to be, but other times it does get lonely. Always looking in and never feeling a part of anything. So these feelings i'm working on each day. I am strong, I am set in my ways yes, but not in such a way that I can't bend. But sometimes I don't want to be the only one that bends.

So new month, new goals, and new stratagies. I will do this. I will continue to work on making me the best I can be. Not what others think I should be. After all I have to be happy with me at night when I lay down my head to sleep.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 6/1/2011 12:16AM

    You can do this my friend!! We are in this together and I will be here for you every step of the way!! You do what is right and best for you and don't worry about the rest. It's time that you take care of you without the guilt!!

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IUHRYTR 5/31/2011 7:34PM

    Every month I reset my weight loss to be what I hope to be at the end of the month. That resets my calorie and other ranges. Seems to help keep me on track. -- Lou

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LIONESS627 5/31/2011 3:18PM

    Good for you for adjusting your goals and trying to refocus. emoticon

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JUSTCHELLE75 5/31/2011 2:38PM

    You will and you can and new goals are always a good thing

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ITSAWRAP_DIMI 5/31/2011 2:07PM

    emoticon Onward and downwards!!! emoticon

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Hey they moved!!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

emoticonWell it finally happened. The scales moved in the right direction. Almost a pound. My goal was one pound but I will count this as a success. 0.6 is close. Now to move forward to the next level. I'm taking this one pound at a time and this loss will push me forward this week. I actually got on twice. Not to be greedy but with gains the last few weeks and no movement for some time before that I just had to check. lol.

So onwards and downwards!!!
Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CLOWN54 5/30/2011 12:38AM

    love it! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/29/2011 3:43PM

    emoticon

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KARENE10 5/29/2011 8:23AM

    Congrats on the loss! I have been losing only POINT this and POINT that for weeks,but it really does add up! As long as we are going in the right direction:) emoticon

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KROLES55 5/29/2011 6:44AM

    Congratulations that the scale is moving downward. I've been tempted to buy a new one. Mine has just been stuck and not moving at all.

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ELSCO55 5/28/2011 10:09PM

    Congrats. Can I borrow your scale. Mine seems to be stuck in the wrong direction. Hope your journey continues positively. emoticon

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IUHRYTR 5/28/2011 12:16PM

    Yes, a loss is a loss. emoticon Many times after such a loss, the next week for me shows more than a pound, sometimes more than two so hang in there and keep up a good effort. -- Lou

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SWEETNSKINNY 5/28/2011 11:46AM

    Fantastic job on the loss!!!! So excited for you! Keep it up.

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KENDRACARROLL 5/28/2011 10:07AM

    Awesome! Congratulations!
Wishing you a great weekend and another super week!

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CAKAROO 5/28/2011 9:48AM

    Congrats on the loss!! Hope you have mnay more to reach you goal!

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 5/28/2011 9:07AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I am so proud of you!!!!

Much Love,
Joan

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ITSAWRAP_DIMI 5/28/2011 8:53AM

    emoticon emoticon

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HUMMINGBIRDFLY 5/28/2011 8:45AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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STILLWATERS811 5/28/2011 7:48AM

  How grand that you celebrate small steps! I am just learning the importance of doing the very same.

Thanks for the reminder that every single improvement counts.

emoticon

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1HELPLESSMOM 5/28/2011 7:24AM

    Great Job! Take successes anyway you can get them. I will be surprised how much this can be a motivator. Keep up the great work and enjoy your weekend. emoticon emoticon

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Progress?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

emoticonWow day 7 on track was a success. I can't believe i've made it this far. I was at the end of my rope seven days ago. I just wanted to quit. I have been at a stand still for oh my gosh months now. I was way off track....on my Weight watchers team we call it "riding the struggle bus". I'm now letting it pass me by. I'm traveling on my own two feet. Now I have had this euphoria before and it lasted a long while. I lost 20 lbs. and was on my way to goal. I was 5, 4, 3 pounds away then I was up one down a half, up two. You get it. I was getting no where and I ended up back up 6 pounds and no movement down what so ever. Just cruising along with no end in sight. I was frustrated, angry, upset, feeling like a loser. You know the feeling when you just can't find the power to move forward and you just keep sliding back? That is where I was.

I'm moving forward one step at a time. I have begun to get my exercise up again. today was my first 60 min. day in a very long time. I have followed my plan (ww) and measured my foods. I have actually got in a good walk/run this past weekend. I'm liking the way I feel today. I have been taking this one day at a time. I refuse to push forward too far. I have issues with food i'm working through. I'm trying to get in the mindset of lifestyle not diet. Nothing is off limits as long as I plan.

Progress? You betcha.

Michelle. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ITSAWRAP_DIMI 5/28/2011 7:21AM

    Progress YES!!!! Lifestyle YESS!!!!! Keep it up!!!!

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SLIMPAM23 5/26/2011 4:35PM

    Yay!!! Good for you!! I am still struggling - but I know I will get back where I need to be all in due time. I admire you for many reasons...but especially your determination! Keep on going!!
Pam

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IUHRYTR 5/25/2011 7:58PM

    Our paths are similar. I lost 47 pounds then got off track and also gained six back. Now four of those are gone and the motivational mojo is back. Here's to both of us heading full steam ahead to our goal emoticon. -- Lou

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CAKAROO 5/25/2011 7:36AM

    Don't give up! Just go at your own pace - you can do it!

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 5/25/2011 4:10AM

    Michelle. Seven day, today begins #8. It is amazing what happens when we have that Ahhh Haaa moment. I am so very proud of you. YOU ARE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
Joan

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/25/2011 12:33AM

    Michelle, reading this made me smile!! I'm soo proud of you! I'm happy you are feeling so great. I may be pre-occupied lately, but know that I am still cheering for you..still jumping up and down at your successes and still here.
You are definitely on a roll...maybe this is the place where all you've learned and all you've been practicing the past couple years finally click into place. Maybe this is the moment where you grin and realize that you ARE doing it that you CAN do it and you will continue to do it.
congratulations my friend, keep on going!!!
Kristi

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Starting to work through some things

Sunday, May 22, 2011

emoticonWhat I ate that? But i'm not suppose to. It isn't allowed. Right? Wrong. Everything is allowed. I can have anything I want within reason. I may go over my program daily points (ww) but i'm allowed "free points" each week to eat what I want. I normally try hard not to use them and when I do my mind in a constant tizzy. Why did I eat that? What was I thinking? I'm never going to reach my goal doing this bad stuff. WRONG!!!!! Michelle those points are there for you to use. Not all at once, which I didnt, but as I did a bit here today. I bargained with me and decided I wanted baked tostidos with spinach dip...Oh they were delicious I had some and then I wrote it down and it hit me. "I ate what I shouldn't of, I should of just not bought them". Again wrong. I ate what I was allowed, I weighed, measured....I was ok. I had not used any free points so it should of been ok. But no my mind is in a turmoil. I"m still on track. I"m still doing all i'm suppose to. I have gotten in between 12-13 cups of water now for the whole weekend, I have gotten in much more exercise than I planned and ran for a bit yesterday, I also have gotten seven fruits and veggies, so why let me beat myself up over the darn chips? Because I have slipped and fell so many times before. That I think I now may be on a food fettish kinda thing and it scares me. I don't want to be afraid of food, I don't want to not eat anything because I shouldn't. I want to enjoy everything within reason.

So here is what i'm having to work through. The why. I will keep working on the problems this brings me and work my way through the guilt. We should never feel guilt on a journey or a lifetime. There is going to be restaurants, parties, birthday cake, a cookie now and again. It is how I or we handle this that makes the difference. I'm learning self control and when I don't oh my tummy is just sick. Then comes a lesson learned. I usually don't make the same mistake twice, ok may twice, but I sure learn the hard way.

I will count this as day 5 on track. I was on track, I didn't derail, I planned and I did. Nothing wrong with that.

Michelle. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 5/23/2011 10:48PM

    Try your best everyday. If you do slip up, as we all will from time to time, start anew from where you are that day. Screw up lunch? Then start fresh after that. Mess up on dinner? A new positive streak begins afterward. You can do this. -- Lou

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/23/2011 8:00PM

    Michelle, you are doing great! There is NOTHING WRONG..I repeat NOTHING WRONG with planning for snacks and then enjoying them. The points are available so that you can enjoy food without feeling deprived or guilty. You are doing great my friend..just keep at it!!

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SLIMPAM23 5/23/2011 2:06PM

    I think you are doing great my friend. And knowing that you are human...living in an imperfect world is a good lesson to learn. Baked Tostitos and spinach dip is not the worst you could have eaten even if you didn't have the extra points....although you did and I'm glad. When you are fighting the guilt monster next time...remind yourself what snack you would have eaten if you WEREN'T on this journey now!! In the big picture you have actually made a pretty good choice!! Keep moving forward!!
Pam

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CAKAROO 5/23/2011 7:59AM

    Don't get discouraged - you are doing great

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 5/23/2011 5:00AM

    Michelle, you are finally coming around to the thinking, ''this is not a diet, but a lifestyle change." It took me forever to get to that point as well due to like you I was always, ''dieting." Diets don't work, lifestyle change does.

You counted, you measured, you enjoyed=Lifestyle change.

I am so proud of you.

Love,
Joan

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KENDRACARROLL 5/22/2011 10:58PM

    You know, I did WW when I started this journey oh so long ago. I remember eating a lot of 'junk', but still lost consistantly when I stayed within my points. Granted that staying within my points while eating "the wrong kinds of foods" made me go to bed hungry a lot... :( I still lost.
Yes, it's all in your head my friend.
Sadly the more I learned about good nutrition, the crazier my head got and the harder it has become to win at this game. I do believe, sometimes ignorance is bliss for sure.
In the long run, of course, all that new 'healthy' knowlege will be of benefit, but somehow somebody forgot to tell my brain about this...
I know exactly where you're coming from.
It is an 'on plan' day, chips or no chips, as long as your points are where you need them.


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