Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it, Begin it now.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I set my plan and then I begin. And begin, and begin again. You get the picture. I seem to always be beginning this journey. I guess you could say i'm a much better beginner than a finisher. I have told myself a million times this time is going to be the one to bring me to the finish line. The thing is the line keeps moving. I get close and then it is pulled back. Or I think it is anyways. I can see it through the mist but it just is always out of reach. My days begin in earnest and end up in dispair. I write, I blog, I journal, I count, I weigh, I set the plan. Yet at the end of the day i'm still a step away from reaching any of the goals I set for my day.
Tired? Hungry? Bored? Sad? These are all feelings i'm well aware of. I get home from work and without a plan I eat till bed. I'm tired and I eat instead of heading to bed. I'm bored on the weekends so I eat to fill it. Why not head out for a walk? I'm tired and that would take too much energy. Sad? Oh I have been battling depression for years now, I'm on meds which i've checked...don't harbor my weight. In fact I was doing great on them. So why now? Why the struggle to reach this end of the journey and move forward? Boredom with the plan? If so whos fault is that? What can I do to make this the best time of my life instead of seeming like so so much work?
These questions are all about my journey right now. I 'm the one with the answers, i'm the one that holds the key to my own success. I have to begin but I have to see it through till the end. This journey is full of stops and starts. It is when I decide to just stop the trouble will begin. For now it is a time of discovery. Some things I like about myself and others i'm not so sure of. On the outside looking in is where I feel like i'm at right now, but could I really be inside looking out and missing something else? Life is full of questions. I just have to keep searching for my answers...after all mine are not yours, my troubles aren't yours, and I need a hand to hold during this journey, not one to hold me up one to help pull myself up with. I can stand on my own two legs for this, every now and again I just need someone to walk along with me.
So, today I head out on my journey with many hands to hold. Spark has given me that. I have a great friend to walk this journey with and she is feeling just about like me right now and that means i'm not alone. Funny....how with spark we can never be alone. Makes the journey so much more worth while to have someone to share it with. People who understand and can lend support when needed, push you when they see your sliding, or give you a pat for a job well done. I'm so thankful that while I learn all about me I have somewhere to come and let it go and people will understand without wondering why I can't just be happy like I am.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Whatever you do, you need courage.
Whatever course you decide upon,
there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.
There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A new month for me means new goals to set, new plans, new energy. This is no different. I'm ready today to take on the next steps in my journey. I have been playing around with the last five pounds forever it seems and I do believe it is time to get this party started. No matter what anyone says i'm not at goal yet. I can't let the ones telling me I don't need to lose anymore deter me. I have heard it all, I almost think I may be believing it. I have to STOP, I need to go with my gut, with my doctor, and with my own peace of mind. I have a friend that we started this journey with some almost three years ago. She quit, came back, and quit again. She is not on spark right now but trying to do right. She told me yesterday for the first time how much she hated the way she looked and felt. That was the first time she has ever said that to me. I always just thought she was ok with herself and who am I to judge, push, or prod anyone. I have my own struggles i'm working to overcome, mindless eating is a big one, and feelings. So I guess when we see things from the outside looking in we don't always see the same things as they see looking out.
I have reset my own goals for the month of June. I know now i'm not alone outside of spark. We are all going through things. Life isn't easy for any of us right now. I need to work on my feelings of never measureing up. People don't understand this but for me no matter how hard I work I never seem to come out on top. Others do and I have to watch from the sidelines. I will think today i'm on top of the world and WHAM I get knocked back and made to take another look at myself. I think I know the lord does this so I don't get on my high horse and I know that envy is a bad green monster.....i'm working on being happy with me but it is tough. I have always been the black sheep in my family. I never seemed to do what others felt I should and for that I will always be on the sidelines. Is this a abad place to be? Depends I guess. Sometimes I see that i'm not like the rest and that is a good way to be, but other times it does get lonely. Always looking in and never feeling a part of anything. So these feelings i'm working on each day. I am strong, I am set in my ways yes, but not in such a way that I can't bend. But sometimes I don't want to be the only one that bends.
So new month, new goals, and new stratagies. I will do this. I will continue to work on making me the best I can be. Not what others think I should be. After all I have to be happy with me at night when I lay down my head to sleep.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Well it finally happened. The scales moved in the right direction. Almost a pound. My goal was one pound but I will count this as a success. 0.6 is close. Now to move forward to the next level. I'm taking this one pound at a time and this loss will push me forward this week. I actually got on twice. Not to be greedy but with gains the last few weeks and no movement for some time before that I just had to check. lol.
So onwards and downwards!!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
What I ate that? But i'm not suppose to. It isn't allowed. Right? Wrong. Everything is allowed. I can have anything I want within reason. I may go over my program daily points (ww) but i'm allowed "free points" each week to eat what I want. I normally try hard not to use them and when I do my mind in a constant tizzy. Why did I eat that? What was I thinking? I'm never going to reach my goal doing this bad stuff. WRONG!!!!! Michelle those points are there for you to use. Not all at once, which I didnt, but as I did a bit here today. I bargained with me and decided I wanted baked tostidos with spinach dip...Oh they were delicious I had some and then I wrote it down and it hit me. "I ate what I shouldn't of, I should of just not bought them". Again wrong. I ate what I was allowed, I weighed, measured....I was ok. I had not used any free points so it should of been ok. But no my mind is in a turmoil. I"m still on track. I"m still doing all i'm suppose to. I have gotten in between 12-13 cups of water now for the whole weekend, I have gotten in much more exercise than I planned and ran for a bit yesterday, I also have gotten seven fruits and veggies, so why let me beat myself up over the darn chips? Because I have slipped and fell so many times before. That I think I now may be on a food fettish kinda thing and it scares me. I don't want to be afraid of food, I don't want to not eat anything because I shouldn't. I want to enjoy everything within reason.
So here is what i'm having to work through. The why. I will keep working on the problems this brings me and work my way through the guilt. We should never feel guilt on a journey or a lifetime. There is going to be restaurants, parties, birthday cake, a cookie now and again. It is how I or we handle this that makes the difference. I'm learning self control and when I don't oh my tummy is just sick. Then comes a lesson learned. I usually don't make the same mistake twice, ok may twice, but I sure learn the hard way.
I will count this as day 5 on track. I was on track, I didn't derail, I planned and I did. Nothing wrong with that.
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