Sunday, March 27, 2011
I met a great lady on one of my teams and she has generously offered to take this journey with me. Now that is awesome. Wow, I have so many friends on spark and one special friend that I share a lot about my life, this journey and such. Now I have two. Two special people from different ends of the globe coming to help me. I'm nobody really, they have never met me in person, but does that matter? Nope. They are holding out a hand to me and like a drowning person i'm grabbing it.
This journey seems so easy for some and I read blogs where others are struggling also and then I don't feel like i'm just not getting it. I tell myself I want to work the program but really I just go through the motions most of the time. A lot of it is pure habit. My motivation has waned so that I often have thought of just calling it quits and keeping my weight what it is. I mean come on now I haven't lost in eight weeks. I've gained the same two pounds since Jan. I feel like maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Then this morning a " friend" threw out that darn life preserver and I grabbed on.
I want to succeed at this. For my mental state I must. I have quit so much in my life or really not quit but never really made my mark so to speak. I have with my weight loss. Many will not see this as significant and many will see this as their bright spot in the world. I mean I really like health. I love exercise, I eat right because I like the foods, I try new things because i'm always looking for a new "favorite". So why am I not at goal. I mean i've read all there is to read more than once where spark is concerned, I check out fitness mags often for new ideas. I change up my routine in the gym regurally because they say I should. I get my fruits and veggies in, I don't do caffeine but for my coffee in the morning. (sorry can't quit it all together), I mean shouldn't I be at goal by now. Enjoying myself in maintenance land? No, do you know why? Because I do all this with no motivation on most days, I have "munchy moments", I sabotage myself because I sometimes don't think I'm worthy of reaching this goal.
I have thought about this alot, I journal a lot, and this seems to be coming up more and more. The self sabotage. So today I took the hand of a wonderful woman walking the same walk as me (WW), She knows what i'm going through, she is leading and I will follow because at this point in the game all I have to lose is pounds. I have to shed some of this feeling like i'm not worthy, or not good enough to reach goal. That is for those who are not real losers.....I"m a real LOSER. I have lost 20 lbs and i'm on my way to 25. So watch out spark i'm back and i'm ready to play.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Well I had my step up on the scales. Here I'm thinking " ok must be some movement", I mean I had three whole days of good eating. Seven great days of exercise, and water? Shoot that is nothing for me. So I step up and what do my eyes see???? A slight gain. I mean what is that? Ok, so I did kick them, I did have a moment of "you've got to be kidding", but nope, the second time I stepped on was the same. So after my coffee, and after a couple of Advil, no the headache wasn't caused from the sight of a gain, I just bucked up, wrote it down, put it out there on spark, and i'm moving ahead. I had three great days but I had four not so great days. No they weren't too bad but I went over my calories for the day, didn't get all my fruits and veggies in one day, maybe I did workout each day but how hard was I working? All this adds up to disappointment on the scales. Who is to blame for this? Me. No one did this to me but me.
What do I intend to do about this stagnant state of my weight loss? I intend to move forward with as much determination as I had last week. I finally was making better choices, I was putting me first in a lot of areas, does this mean that just because I saw no progress for week eight that I was a failure? Nope. I was a winner because I continued to better myself each day even when I really wanted to just quit. I mean lets be honest after so much time of no loss and the same ups and downs for weeks you really do get upset. But it isn't you. It is the way your doing what your doing. So again i've headed to the store, i've gotten a few different foods and i'm ready to take on my body. The time for change is now.
So move out of my way i'm coming through. I have determination to meet my goals this week and I intend to see them through. No more excuses and no more kicking those pesky scales. This is my week for change.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I had the oh my lord moment when I had my hand in a bag of chips that were new and I was going to "try" them. Yup you guessed it I can't try anything that has the word chip or cracker in it. I know this, I felt like I could handle the moment, I mean after all i'm succeeding on a day to day basis now, shoot I can handle anything that comes my way.........right? Wrong, I had the moment when my stomach just dropped and I started to cry....I had my hand in the bag and I realized what I was doing. I was going to eat my way through that bag and when it was gone I would hate myself. Clarity for the first time in a very long time. I removed my hand, closed that bag, and put it back in the cupboard. I know I should of thrown it out but I wasn't that good. My new reality is I watch all kinds of addiction shows, my son has his addictions and I have mine. Maybe ours aren't of the same realm but they have the same effects on our minds....that need for something we don't need. Or really like me want. I saw them in the store, I was hungry and I had to try them. I should of known then it was a cause to leave them there. That need.....But nope I thought I was strong. Thing is i'm not. I'm weak when i'm around crunchy, salty, crispy chips or crackers. All my goals and ideas go right out the window.
So my new reality is no chips in the house. Sorry can't have them, can't risk it, and won't do that to me. So I'm detoxing myself as of last night. I'm going to work on a new "favorite", carrots are crunchy....Hey I can add salt if I desire. lol. But really this is not a joke to me. It is a reality few understand but many here will. I want to reach goal, I've got to start focusing on that. I am learning on this journey like so many others and I finally had a breakthrough what A wonderful feeling.
Monday, March 21, 2011
OOps I forgot i'm suppose to be starting fresh and having an on point day, week, month. I have been slipping lately. So today A friend and I decided this was it. A new beginning and a new mindset. I"m so blessed to have a "buddy" on this journey. I so wish we lived closer to one another to really push each other but it helps to know I can talk to her about most anything and that she understands when I have a "off" day. which I may add has been a lot of the days lately. I just can't get my mind into this. I have set a time span of my daughters wedding which is May seventh to reach my goals. but I seem to have forgotten that part. This weekend I did so bad that I didn't sleep well last night. Not from guilt from overdoing it with junk. So today my friends is a new day. I have the tools at my finger tips, I must now use them. No more playing I need to see a change on the scales this week.
Yeah I know the scales don't determine my success but after seven weeks of no change..........well you can see where that would mean a bunch and maybe get me back in the game. I seem to have lost the drive to succeed. I guess when you have do many telling you that you don't need to lose anymore, your small enough, and the one I hate " how much more do you need to lose? ". You hear this enough and then you begin to think, maybe i'm ok, maybe i'm small enough. I don't want "enough" I want the prize at the end of the rainbow. So today my spark friends I vow to work this program, I won't just earn points I will do the work that is needed. Yup this isn't easy but hey I've made it this far and I know the challenges involved.
Accountability? Yup I've got that.
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