Saturday, March 05, 2011
Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.
- Anaïs Nin
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.
- Nelson Mandela
When one door of happiness closes, another opens,
but often we look so long at the closed door
that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
- Helen Keller
Funny I was going along great, or so I thought, and then wham I got kicked and then while I was down someone came along and kicked dirt in my eyes. You ever have days like that?
It all began the other day with a error in my checking account that cost me, then yesterday I get a notice from the IRS, I owe 179.00 more from last year, I guess the three they got wasn't enough, then this morning I hop on those scales expecting to see maybe not a loss but not a gain.......nope 1.6 up. Three, don't most garbage come in three's? Ok, then I should be on my way to ok right?
I get my quotes in my email and these are what I got.....coincidence? I think someone is trying to tell me something. So I pick up my head, pay the bank fee (my fault), pay the IRS at the end of the month, and work more on my weight issues. Lessons learned the hard way.
My weight I thought was yoyoing because of something I was doing or not doing, now I see it is a pattern...can we say plateau? I sure can. So I have to change a thing here or there and see where that gets me. I know next week is going to be back down, and then it is up to me to break it the next week, of course I have family coming and we know what that means....food glorious food. But maybe that will be the jump my body needs. So I'm on this. I'm not happy right now, but i'm on this.
As for the little troubles in my life....I felt this morning that I was just getting kicked all over again. I just feel sometimes I can't win for losing. But I won't feel sorry for myself. nope, I will fix this and move forward. That is all any of us can do. I messed up and it cost me, lesson learned, life will continue.
I am off now to get a move on for the coming day. I have to work till four and then i'm free free free for one whole day. That is what my life has come to. Work and more work.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
This blog should be about the road I'm on but in reality it is about my road with my son. I received a note from him telling me how terrible a person I am. Well world this isn't so. I'm just a parent with an addict for a child and I guess through his eyes I'm unworthy of my role as a parent because at this crossroads in his life he is now out of his fathers home and with "friends" yet again. We have all tried to get him into rehab..........truth is he won't go. Oh he will get clean for a week, month, maybe two but then the lying starts again and he is coming in drunk, saying things to the ones he loves, losing another job. You get the picture. He is now 21 and as a parent the time has come to untie the knot of being a mom. No it isn't easy, but it is the only option I have left. So with a heavy heart I have told him that I'm done. I need to take care of me a child trapped in an adult body. The first step in therapy is admitting you have a problem, the next is getting help. He won't do neither and I'm too tired to keep picking up the pieces of his life.
Now I know this vent isn't something I normally write about but I'm tired. I have let him eat up my mind and my sanity since he was a young teen. We have been through it.....cops bringing him home, jail (3 times), running away, stealing, and finally I just had to let him go. It was causing so much turmoil here with my husband and I have another child and she needed me also. Maybe not as much as her brother but she still needed me. Of course I heard how I chose my husband over him, and how he hated my husband. Oh the stress. No wonder I was overweight and over depressed for so long. Anyhow just like my journey I had to open my eyes and take care of me. Now I have to move forward with this pray he is safe, and if not pray that the Lord will see to him. I have nothing more to give. I'm tired.
So as my heading states we have to take action for ourselves. Weather it is in this journey of diet change, life in general, our finances, we have to take action and fix what we can and let the rest go. Life is too short to live with regret. And yes I regret alot. I always wondered if I could of fixed it, If I could of been a better parent, could I have punished him more, given love more. I always will wonder but in the back of my mind I know the truth........I was a good parent and I can't stop the outside forces from getting to my child no matter what. So I leave you with this.........I"m strong and I will survive this. It may not be easy and it may leave a bit of me that no one will ever get to but i'm strong and i'm here.
Thank you all for the ear, the friendship, and the help with this journey itself.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow.”
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Today is wonderful but if it goes not according to plan you always have tomorrow. I know many of us hear this day after day and wonder if it really means much at all. For me it means I may have made mistakes but I have time to fix the ones I can and work on the ones I can't. I had an awesome weigh in this week i'm down 1.4# for the week. This puts me back where I was before my three pound gain and now this is my fresh start. Funny it has put me at a place I haven't been in a long time..........determined.
I tell myself I have tomorrow and then tomorrow comes and I make the same ole mistakes....Not this time. I've got a friend who challenged me to get this finished. I'm going to get this done. No more why's, whats, or hows, I know these reasons now it is time to move forward one day at a time and one pound at a time.
I love my teams that help me along, I love my friends that push me along, but most of all i'm learning to love myself that carries me along. I used to think I had no will power, not true, without that I wouldn't be here after two and a half years with spark and still moving down the scales. I wouldn't have lost the weight and kept it off this long. I have plenty of will power. Now it is time to work it for good.
I'm off to get ready for another day of work. Man this is day seven. I have been giving so much to work that i'm letting the little things slide at home...I have company coming in a couple of weeks and i've got to get myself together. I need to get this place together. I need to learn balance. I'm working on it in my diet maybe it can spill over to my home chores also. I mean shoot I have tomorrow right?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw
As I walk this journey I have come to realize it is all about finding the new me. The me I like. It is a hard thing to realize you don't like you much. When you start peeling off the layers that make us us me find we don't like the us we once were and now it is time to be the self we want. I'm taking this journey one step at a time to reach my "magic number" but i've found along the way it isn't about the number it is about finding myself.
At first I was a bit nervous with what was coming out. I mean you start losing weight and people notice you. Me? I'm the one hiding in the back most of the time. But you shed a few pounds and suddenly people are seeing you. That means being pulled to the frond and it can be a bit daunting. The you lose a bit more and people are telling you to stop. You are getting too thin. I mean you know you have a few pounds to go yet, but they see you at your peak. This is when the journey gets a bit tough. I have to regroup, replan, restart so many times because I begin to believe them. Hey i'm looking good, why bother with a number on the scales?
But for me it is all about that "magic number". The doc says you can reach it, your mind says you can reach it, and surely you can. Surely that number is attainable and without much effort you can reach it right? Wrong, now is the time it takes much more effort now, more mind concentration, more determination. So I'm up for the challenge. Or I want to believe I am anyways. I will reach my "magic number" I will see this through, the ones that think I should quit? they are no where near their goals and so they have no idea the thrill of seeing that number after months, or years of the journey. To them I say " don't give in or up".
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water
- Rabindranath Tagore
Its funny that I work in a pharmacy and I see so many who head to the diet section and want that magic pill. I've talked about this before. One doesn't exist. Our pharmacists here won't even talk to you about that pill on the shelf. They won't recommend it. The truth of the matter is if you want it you have to work for it, you have to be willing to give something up to get it. Sorry but the truth hurts. This journey is all about change. Change in our diet, our minds, our routines, and most of all our bodies.
I've begun what I call the "back on track challenge". I know it is going to take my one pound at a time to reach my goal. I know that I was not getting there cheating my way through the week then hopeing against hope that the scales were going to show a loss that I didn't earn. So for the last four days i've been on a new journey. A journey for me, my mind, and my willpower. I have taken to saying to myself each morning "one pound at a time will get me there". So far i've had three good days in a row this week so far. So something is working. Really it is my mindset that is doing the job. I had to get back to that place we are at when we begin this journey. You know the one where your so excited to try new things, you get all the new foods, you follow your plan to a tee, and then you hop on the scales and see a wonderful loss for the first few weeks then you start to slide. That is where I need to be. To the excitement again. I was just not there. I was starting to get bored with my plan, my fault, I could change this up any time I choose. I just was being lazy. So I decided it was up to me and no one else.
I'm doing it a moment at a time. I would love to say i've mastered this but heck i've been working on this since I began spark some two years ago. The only thing that i'm proud of at this moment is that the weight that i've taken off is so far staying off because it is coming off slow. So i'm happy for that. I'm happy of my choices most of the time still have trouble with the mindless eating when i'm bored or tired but working on that also. So i'm off the tackle my Wednesday. Over the hump day and my favorite day of the week, means it is downhill from here. lol.
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