Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I'm still here, i'm still working the program, and i'm still in the game. I had company for a bit and it derailed me some, but i'm here and i'm ready to work. I need to focus now and see my goal. I found that with company I didn't stick to my plan as I should, I didn't exercise as I could. But I had a wonderful visit, my daughters shower was awesome, and she had no idea about the party or her grandmother and aunts coming from vermont for it. It was so good to see my mom and sisters. I haven't seen my sisters for a few years and it was just nice to catch up.
But the fun is over, the work needs to begin and I need to step up to the plate and hit this ball out of the park. I have set my goals, I have a plan and now is the time to get it going in motion. Time change means time to walk after work if I so choose, and it means more daylight for me to just relax on the swing if I want....on the flip side it means shorts, tank tops, and smaller clothes. So today is the beginning of spring warm ups. Spring is this sunday and I want to be prepared if not ready for the season.
So as I leave you know that i'm fine, doing well and now that my life is somewhat back to order till the wedding, I have six weeks to get it together and be at my goal, I need to focus on me. I'm what is important right now.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.
- Pope John XXIII
Sometimes I get so frustrated at me. I want so much to succeed but it is me that lets me down each and every time I don't. I have been tracking and actually following some kind of plan this week. So far i'm good, had a day yesterday where I had to buy my lunch and I made pretty good choices but they could of been better. why is it we feel the need to beat ourselves up when we make a mistake that really isn't much of one at all? I do this to me all the time. Funny how food and this "magic number" journey has become an obsession. I find I envy those that can eat a bit here and there and move forward, those that measure portions and move forward. I eat from the box and then slap my head and think "now why did I eat all that" I know better then to sit down with the box or bag and yet I still do it. Why? that is the age old question.
I won't quit the task of finding Michelle. She is out there, she is strong and I want to get to know her better. She is determined all the time, she never gives up, she knows right from wrong and I want to meet her. I will continue on this journey until I do.
So never give up, for that may be the place and time of change.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Whoever is happy will make others happy too.
- Anne Frank
Hopeful thinking can get you out of your fear zone and into your appreciation zone.
- Martha Beck
Today I found a new team off of an old teams page...."accountability and determination", So far it looks great. I've spent time inputting all the important info and now i'm ready to begin.
My goals for the week are 500 fitness minutes and I would love to lose about three pounds this month. I know I can accomplish this if I just set my mind to it. I don't think I have been lately. I 've just been going along with no real goals or plan in mind. Oh I say I do, I think I do, but in reality I don't. I don't try to change any of the bad habits, I just hope for the best and when that doesn't happen I just get upset (again at me) and promise myself I will do differently and then I don't. It is a vicious cycle I need to change, If not I fear I may end up where I first was, overweight and very unhappy.
So I pledge today to begin fresh. the past is the past, I can't go back but I sure can move forward. I will do my best to work the program and not let the scales work me. ( thanks for this Butterfly), I can succeed. I will succeed one day at a time.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.
- Ana´s Nin
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.
- Nelson Mandela
When one door of happiness closes, another opens,
but often we look so long at the closed door
that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
- Helen Keller
Funny I was going along great, or so I thought, and then wham I got kicked and then while I was down someone came along and kicked dirt in my eyes. You ever have days like that?
It all began the other day with a error in my checking account that cost me, then yesterday I get a notice from the IRS, I owe 179.00 more from last year, I guess the three they got wasn't enough, then this morning I hop on those scales expecting to see maybe not a loss but not a gain.......nope 1.6 up. Three, don't most garbage come in three's? Ok, then I should be on my way to ok right?
I get my quotes in my email and these are what I got.....coincidence? I think someone is trying to tell me something. So I pick up my head, pay the bank fee (my fault), pay the IRS at the end of the month, and work more on my weight issues. Lessons learned the hard way.
My weight I thought was yoyoing because of something I was doing or not doing, now I see it is a pattern...can we say plateau? I sure can. So I have to change a thing here or there and see where that gets me. I know next week is going to be back down, and then it is up to me to break it the next week, of course I have family coming and we know what that means....food glorious food. But maybe that will be the jump my body needs. So I'm on this. I'm not happy right now, but i'm on this.
As for the little troubles in my life....I felt this morning that I was just getting kicked all over again. I just feel sometimes I can't win for losing. But I won't feel sorry for myself. nope, I will fix this and move forward. That is all any of us can do. I messed up and it cost me, lesson learned, life will continue.
I am off now to get a move on for the coming day. I have to work till four and then i'm free free free for one whole day. That is what my life has come to. Work and more work.
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
This blog should be about the road I'm on but in reality it is about my road with my son. I received a note from him telling me how terrible a person I am. Well world this isn't so. I'm just a parent with an addict for a child and I guess through his eyes I'm unworthy of my role as a parent because at this crossroads in his life he is now out of his fathers home and with "friends" yet again. We have all tried to get him into rehab..........truth is he won't go. Oh he will get clean for a week, month, maybe two but then the lying starts again and he is coming in drunk, saying things to the ones he loves, losing another job. You get the picture. He is now 21 and as a parent the time has come to untie the knot of being a mom. No it isn't easy, but it is the only option I have left. So with a heavy heart I have told him that I'm done. I need to take care of me a child trapped in an adult body. The first step in therapy is admitting you have a problem, the next is getting help. He won't do neither and I'm too tired to keep picking up the pieces of his life.
Now I know this vent isn't something I normally write about but I'm tired. I have let him eat up my mind and my sanity since he was a young teen. We have been through it.....cops bringing him home, jail (3 times), running away, stealing, and finally I just had to let him go. It was causing so much turmoil here with my husband and I have another child and she needed me also. Maybe not as much as her brother but she still needed me. Of course I heard how I chose my husband over him, and how he hated my husband. Oh the stress. No wonder I was overweight and over depressed for so long. Anyhow just like my journey I had to open my eyes and take care of me. Now I have to move forward with this pray he is safe, and if not pray that the Lord will see to him. I have nothing more to give. I'm tired.
So as my heading states we have to take action for ourselves. Weather it is in this journey of diet change, life in general, our finances, we have to take action and fix what we can and let the rest go. Life is too short to live with regret. And yes I regret alot. I always wondered if I could of fixed it, If I could of been a better parent, could I have punished him more, given love more. I always will wonder but in the back of my mind I know the truth........I was a good parent and I can't stop the outside forces from getting to my child no matter what. So I leave you with this.........I"m strong and I will survive this. It may not be easy and it may leave a bit of me that no one will ever get to but i'm strong and i'm here.
Thank you all for the ear, the friendship, and the help with this journey itself.
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