Monday, August 30, 2010
everyone see's the changes, you don't. everyone pats you on the back and tells you how great you look, you still don't see what all the hype is about. The scales show you near your goal, you still can't see past the old body standing on them.
Why? Why do we think that we are the same, Why do we jump the tracks when we should be on the straight and narrow by now, why do we struggle with the same old troubles when we are so close to goal that we must of done something right to get this far?
Why? These questions I beat myself up with daily. I know i've come so far but then I slip, I trip, I fall on my face and then I feel like I haven't learned a thing. I step back and I see the changes of water instead of cola all day long, I see that I exercise daily and walk at lunch, I see that I eat more veggies and even fruits then ever before. I see all these changes, it is my body that i'm having trouble seeing.
We put on clothes and suddenly they are too large. Did we not dry them in the dryer because this can't be anything we did. I mean i'm still snacking on the weekends like nobodys business. I haven't taught myself anything along those lines. How to work past it. How to walk away and tell myself I don't need or want those snacks. I don't need the chips, I don't want that candy, I can live without that snack cake. And not one or two but sometimes a binge fest like I can't get enough. Why? I have no answer to these questions. I say i'm going to work on it but really I don't. I say i'm going to come up with a new plan, but I don't. Or rather I do I just don't follow it.
I want to stay on track, I want to see losses each week, I want to see the same person everyone else sees when they look at me. I want to see how good i've done. I want to inspire just one other person to take better care of themselves. but how can you do that when you don't inspire yourself to change the one habit that is holding you back? I'm not sure, i'm still working on this. this is the one habit that is going to keep me on this roller coaster for a long time. Oh i'm going through the motions. I'm doing what i'm suppose to, to an extent, but then I get bored and allow that to determine my day. I allow the junk to get in my way. I have to say enough. I have to want it bad enough to see the problem and work it out. I look over my foods for yesterday and all I see is junk. Oh I counted it all. All 32 points worth. that is 12 over my daily allowance. twelve points of nonesense. Twelve points of just plain laziness.
I have to move on from here. I have to work through this. I have to give myself the credit I deserve for the changes i've made, but i also at the same time have to work past this need to munch.
I'm sorry this blog just kept going. I set my timer and turned it off because this was going to take longer then I thought. I now am off to get my morning workout in. I love how exercise makes me feel. I love how I feel when i'm eating right and losing. So maybe I have to give these feelings a chance and let the self pity, the self loathing, the self punishment stop. So what i'm taking forever to lose 30 pounds. So what i'm not perfect. Who is? I mean really. I need to stop trying to be and just go forward with my goals.
I''m going to close with a few words from a mily cyrus song called the climb....it's always going to be an uphill battle, theres always going to be things you have to move, it isn't about how long it takes to get there it's about the climb. Don't worry about what's on the other side.
I love that song, and if you get the chance listen. It is us on this journey.
Friday, August 27, 2010
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
We all make choices in our lives. We chose to eat it, we chose to exercise, we chose to get fit, we chose to make changes. It is how we follow through with those changes that make us who we are.
I will follow through on my changes. I have sat back and looked over my last week. The choices i've made, the options I could of chosen, the moments I missed. I sit here and wonder if I could of done more, less, a bit extra. Oh for sure. but I won't let those choices define me.
So today I chose to follow my plan, drink my water, get up and move, put that snack back in its bag, and I chose my life. I have set goals for myself, I have plans for my future and they don't include sitting on the couch with a bag of chips and that heart attack waiting to happen. Nope for me health is my choice.
It is funny I had a nickname growing up of "bones". My dad gave it to me and he called me that for the longest time. I saw my dad the other day (we don't see each other much because of issues) and he said your getting boney....Hey you've earned your nickname of bones back. That moment made me smile. I have wanted to reach this point for years. ever since my daughter was born some, omg 24 years ago. Well it happened. I finally made up my mind to succeed and I'm doing it. One day at atime, one step at a time, and one mouthful at a time.
Oh sure I could of reached my goal weight by now, but I took it slow. Well really it took me slow. I had stops, starts, restarts, and just plain moments of laziness. then one day it clicked. I found I enjoyed exercise, I liked the foods I was eating. Oh I still partake of the foods that cause me trouble, the ones that lead me astray. I keep telling myself I won't but then the munchy monster that lives in my mind comes calling. He tried to call last night but I kept putting him off. I would say just a minute, and that minute turned into all night. Now will I do that again today? I can't say for sure. I can only try each day to succeed.
I"m off now to begin the new me trend. I have plans for myself and they don't include gaining all the weight back that i've lost, they include exercise, good choises and let's be honest lots of hard work.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
As I sit here writing this blog i'm wondering what exactly i've done with myself or my goals this week. I have to be honest, I worked out, but I should of done more, I ate well, and that means I ATE well everything within my grasp. I slept good, heck I was on vacation so i'm sleeping really good. I also think that has a lot to do with the eating frenzy i've been on. The vacation that is.
Oh it started off innocent enough....a snack here, a bite there. You know your on vacation and all of a sudden your starving. I mean really your not, you just think you are. I mean I did good the first two days. Morning and evening exercised, ate the right foods, made good choices.....then the rains came. I mean it rained all day and night while we were in florida. No beach for us. So there went the walks, I mean I shopped but really was that enough? I dare say not. Then the bordem hits....I eat. It is a vicious cycle for me.
Ok, so now that is off my chest. Did I get back on the wagon when I got home? you bet I did. I wrote it all down, I drank my waters, I got in my exercise. I sparked, a lot. So i'm back, somewhat. I can't undo what I did but heck it was a few days out of my life. I can very easily get those back. Or will I? I mean we say were going to get back to it, but then it is one more helping, one more snack, one less bit of exercise and before you know it your messed up for good.
Well that won't be me. IN fact the truth is I really hated myself. You know the self loathing you get when you don't do as your suppose to. When you know your not making wise choices but the voice in your head is telling you it is going to be ok, have that big cheesburger and those onion petals. They are a vegtable afterall. Lol. I'm ready for some change. I know this week it may be in the form of a gain. Kinda sucks for me because I had a good loss finally after three weeks of staying the same last week. But maybe this is what I needed to get myself back in form. I really want to see the movement head in the downward direction but I won't lie to myself.
I will step on those scales this week and just chock it up to experience and a good time had by all. I won't appoligize to anyone least of all myself for having a good time and enjoying a few treats I don't normally have. I won't knock myself down when I should be picking myself up. This is life. it will move on.
So did I have a great time in clearwater? Oh yeah, so much so. And really isn't that all that counts? For me it is. So till next time. Good night my spark friends. Don't think less of me when I weigh in this week. I'm still here, i'm still strong, and i'm still headed for my goal and the magic number.
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