Wednesday, September 01, 2010
September is here. My 44th birthday is looming around the corner. I had set goals for myself and did I succeed? nope. Came darn close but no cigar this time. Am I going to just pack it in and call it a day? nope, i'm still plodding along and hoping for the next month to be the one.
I"m stronger then I was say a month ago. Maybe not physically but surely mentally. I'm stronger minded then I was. I have new goal and renewed energy to meet it. My ww team has so many new challenges going on that i'm sure to break past all my defenses. I say mine because i'm what is standing in my way of reaching my goals. I do the self sabatage thing a lot. I have a friend that blogged about her fears and they made me see mine. I'm not a very outgoing person. I like to be kept in the background no attention brought to me. And I find this loss is doing just that. People are starting to take notice, which draws attention to myself. I said that was what I wanted, but really I don't know if it is. I have a lot of issues from my previous life that I thought were gone, but i'm guessing i'm still working those out.
So this month i've reset my goals. I will do what is needed to reach my goals. Nope, it may not be by the end of the month, it may not even be by the end of the year, but each pound lost is one step closer to those goals. As long as i'm not giving in, i'm not giving up. I'm beating those old demons that still play in my head. I'm strong, i'm determined and i'm me. I can do this.
So, today is day one, but i've been practicing a few things for a few days now, each night I go to bed with points leftover is a win for me. Each night I use one point of free points is a win for me. I need to learn to eat what is ok for the day and treat myself on occasion not all the time. I need to rethink a few things and i'm working on that. I'm planning a bit better now and that is a step in the right direction. I have to say I feel it is the exercise that has gotten me where i'm at today. sure not eating all the food in sight has helped also, but the exercise is key.
Yesterday I had another compliment. That was a good feeling, but a coworker pipes up with "yeah yeah don't brag" when I answered the customers question about my loss. I just said calmly I'm not braging it took a lot of hard work to get to this point. I don't want anyone to think this is easy. it isn't for the faint at heart. I'm strong to be on this journey as long as I have without going back. And truth told, In the almost two years it has taken me to get to this point i've not gone back to the old starting weight. so that is a big feather is my cap.
So my friends i will bid you farewell. I have some exercise to get too and that means me getting dressed and heading out. I hope all your dreams come true in september.
Monday, August 30, 2010
everyone see's the changes, you don't. everyone pats you on the back and tells you how great you look, you still don't see what all the hype is about. The scales show you near your goal, you still can't see past the old body standing on them.
Why? Why do we think that we are the same, Why do we jump the tracks when we should be on the straight and narrow by now, why do we struggle with the same old troubles when we are so close to goal that we must of done something right to get this far?
Why? These questions I beat myself up with daily. I know i've come so far but then I slip, I trip, I fall on my face and then I feel like I haven't learned a thing. I step back and I see the changes of water instead of cola all day long, I see that I exercise daily and walk at lunch, I see that I eat more veggies and even fruits then ever before. I see all these changes, it is my body that i'm having trouble seeing.
We put on clothes and suddenly they are too large. Did we not dry them in the dryer because this can't be anything we did. I mean i'm still snacking on the weekends like nobodys business. I haven't taught myself anything along those lines. How to work past it. How to walk away and tell myself I don't need or want those snacks. I don't need the chips, I don't want that candy, I can live without that snack cake. And not one or two but sometimes a binge fest like I can't get enough. Why? I have no answer to these questions. I say i'm going to work on it but really I don't. I say i'm going to come up with a new plan, but I don't. Or rather I do I just don't follow it.
I want to stay on track, I want to see losses each week, I want to see the same person everyone else sees when they look at me. I want to see how good i've done. I want to inspire just one other person to take better care of themselves. but how can you do that when you don't inspire yourself to change the one habit that is holding you back? I'm not sure, i'm still working on this. this is the one habit that is going to keep me on this roller coaster for a long time. Oh i'm going through the motions. I'm doing what i'm suppose to, to an extent, but then I get bored and allow that to determine my day. I allow the junk to get in my way. I have to say enough. I have to want it bad enough to see the problem and work it out. I look over my foods for yesterday and all I see is junk. Oh I counted it all. All 32 points worth. that is 12 over my daily allowance. twelve points of nonesense. Twelve points of just plain laziness.
I have to move on from here. I have to work through this. I have to give myself the credit I deserve for the changes i've made, but i also at the same time have to work past this need to munch.
I'm sorry this blog just kept going. I set my timer and turned it off because this was going to take longer then I thought. I now am off to get my morning workout in. I love how exercise makes me feel. I love how I feel when i'm eating right and losing. So maybe I have to give these feelings a chance and let the self pity, the self loathing, the self punishment stop. So what i'm taking forever to lose 30 pounds. So what i'm not perfect. Who is? I mean really. I need to stop trying to be and just go forward with my goals.
I''m going to close with a few words from a mily cyrus song called the climb....it's always going to be an uphill battle, theres always going to be things you have to move, it isn't about how long it takes to get there it's about the climb. Don't worry about what's on the other side.
I love that song, and if you get the chance listen. It is us on this journey.
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