Saturday, March 27, 2010
I'm hoping this is my day to shine. All is working out well with my daughter and her home. She just had to be patient. Pathways from fannie mae is awesome for first time homebuyers like her.
As for mom? i'm holding my own. My hubby and I hare having a few problems and I know deep in my heart it is my fault this is happening. Now don't get me wrong he is by no means perfect, I mean after all he is a male, lol.. He just don't understand my stress right now and really I just need to work on me. I'm in need of some me time. Last night I took it. Went for a drive, alone, went to a store and bought something for me. I got some new pjs finally, and I must admitt, they are a juniors 7/9 and they look darn good. I had to stop in the mirror this morning and just gaze at the wide wonder I had found. (borrowed that from a song). I should of done this a bit ago but maybe I wasn't ready. I had to grow, and learn. OH yes i'm learning about me all the time.
My children have always been my first and formost priority, then my hubby, the dogs, you get the picture, I fall to the very bottom. Soaking in a tub? you have to be crazy that entails me to undress, too much effort there. Do my nails? who has time to just sit still for any length of time, too much to do.
Now I must confess as my spark friends know, my children are grown, no longer at home. And I must confess I don't know how to take care of me. Even when I say I will, I don't. Where do you begin? How do you do it without the guilt of "I should be doing such and such"? This is where i'm at. I was so young when I had my kids I went from teenager to mom in zero point two seconds. I have been focused on family for so long when I do for me the guilt is aweful and heavy.
But alas this is my day to shine. The sun is out, I have new pj's, new panties, new socks, darn I"m a new person already. I have the warm weather, and a day to be me. My new life starts today. Move out of my way Michelle is coming through and nothing is going to stop her this time around. The guilt will still be there at times, like i'm letting someone down, but that is not for me, I"m not letting anyone down except me.
I didn't spend 20.00 yesterday and that 20.00 made me feel like a million buck this morning. I'm going to get there from here, one step, day, and week at a time. Not only am I going to reach my goal for the first time in my life, i'm going to take better care of me.
Friday, March 26, 2010
As I sit here about to get ready for another day of work, though it is friday thank goodness, and my exercise routine i'm aware that this is the norm now and not the occasional doings it used to be. that is the exercise. Each morning as I get up have a cup of coffee, yes some of us do survive on a cup, and I do a coach nicole video or just some of my own strength, then off to outdoors or the elliptical depending on the weather. then it is shower and off to work. My routine is not hard, not tiring, and I'm usually on time to work. Now mind you I do get up about 30 min. to an hour earlier than I could but is it worth it? You bet ya!!
As this week has been full of activity and mind numbing experiences i'm so glad for the even keel of my morning routine. Without it I would be so frazzled. My daughter is trying to purchase her first home, it isn't new by any means, needs work, and she is having trouble with her loan because of this, she calls and is upset and mom has to lend a ear, an arm, and a hug. That is my job, but I have to repeat to her as I often have, anything worth having never comes easy. If this home isn't the one there will be others to choose from. She doesn't like to hear this and I wish financially I could give this to her but I can't. We don't always get what we want, but we always get what we need.
I also have the tests that I took the other day for cervical cancer in the back of my mind. I say the back because I'm trying not to ponder the whys, where to fors, and such of this little trouble. It isn't the cancer that scares me as much as the tests and the pain of each one. I had a good cry last night, not out of pitty, but for my daughter and her dilemmas, me and mine, and just for the injustices in general. Does anyone else ever just feel like you have to cry to clear your head? I do!
I'm writing all this in that is seems to go hand in hand with this journey i'm on for my weight,....again nothing worth having comes easy, this is hard work. Getting healthy and staying there is hard work. I can't give up and I can't give in. What will be will be. I have faith that will see me through. I'm going to end this blog now as I have to get ready for a walk outside. Weather is permitting this and i'm ready. I can't run at this time due to healing from dr.s appointment but I can walk.
I will get there from here, one day, step, and week at a time.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
I have only a minute, i'm going with my daughter to see a house and then i'm off to work. I wanted to let you all know I will not know anything about tests for a week my doctor said. There is something there, but it is a waiting game now. His last words as he left the room where "don't worry till I call you". Yeah right. as we got in the car my husband said to me " your already doing what he told you not to". Are they crazy, don't worry? yeah, like that is going to happen. I"m not afraid of the cancer, I just don't want it here if we can get rid of it. And to me waiting is the worse part I need to be doing. So i;m doing. I'm exercising and eating right and the piece he took yesterday I have to be honest hurt like the devil, but it had to be done. That is one area that shouldn't be bothered with. lol. But because i've been taking care of me for a while now, i'm fine. and by yesterday afternoon and a walk at lunch i was feeling much better. I never was one to sit around and this has never been truer than now.
I will keep all my spark buddies posted as I hear. Life is so much more fun with spark buddies praying and just giving you a kind word. If any of you need anything let me know. I will move heaven and earth to get it for you. God bless you all.
I"m getting there from here, one step, day, and week at a time. I think I'm going to us this as my new motto on my signature. works for me and says it all.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I want to just give myself an update on me. Your holding your own right now. You have made it through two whole days with weighing and measureing food and your not gaunt yet. I think you may hold out another day...
Tomorrow is my doctors appointment for more tests for these darn cancer cells. I'm going to be fine. My neighbors little girl brought me over a cake, pound none the less, and I took it graciously as she is only about nine, and I had a small sliver, this way I can say I had some and enjoyed it. My point is she has no idea about what is going on with me, and for me this was the lord reaching out and telling me all is going to be fine. I heard from my son tonight also for the first time since he left. He is holding his own. My prayers go out to him, I hope he gets clean.
My buddy whom got me started on spark is back at it. she began today and i'm so thrilled to have her back. I so missed her on this journey. It is nice to have someone to share ideas with in person. I love my spark friends very much, but I love my spark buddy very much also.
Ok that is about it for now, i'm getting there from here, one step, day and week at a time.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I'm updating my trackers to show the weight on the ww scales. It will seem to me and others that I have gained but the case is i'm actually down .2. I just find it easier to see my weight in one location then to be discouraged when I step on the scales. So to not have to keep figuring out the loss and getting upset when I step on the scales I decided to show this weight.
I'm still holding my own, i'm going to try a new dvd I borrowed from my daughter, biggest loser cardio . I figureed this would be good on days of rain and such. So i'm off to try it now.
I have all my housework done this sunday morning and the rest of the day is mine. I love sundays. they are my day to chill, church, and have a nice dinner with my husband before the work week takes over once again.
I'm going to get there from here. God bless you all this sunday morning.
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