Wednesday, March 17, 2010
May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I want to thank all for their prayers and comments on my blog yesterday. My son arrived last night and is fine (so far). He is at the first leg of his new self, and with prayer and the help of all us he will be fine. I have great hope and much faith in god.
As for mom, im holding my own. As I received the phone call letting me know he had arrived safe, I let out a breath. Now I can get past the worry, for now, and work on mom. That is a tough on as I have always worried most about my children and Josh has gotten the most of that worry and I hope I have never short changed my daughter. But as the parent of any addict will tell ya one child or two will go to the wayside because we have to give so much of ourselves to the other or the one in trouble I should say. It is never easy to push any needy child aside. Though I must confess I wanted to many times.
Some gave suggestions of counseling for me, been there and I learned a lot about myself during that phase. I learned to let him fall down, even if that meant death, because I can't live his life. I can only be there to help when i'm needed. I may want to turn my back but as a mom I can't, because under that exterior is my baby boy whom I know is loving, kind, and sweet. The devil just took over and he needs to lend a hand to god and let him in. I have to say that he did wake up one morning not so long ago and ask god to help him. Now he is away getting that help. God does answer our prayers just in his own way and time.
As for my spark journey, I"m doing awesome. I have been back to running every morning for the last three days, today of course it is raining and I must use the inside equipment but that is ok also. so I haven't given up on me. Now that josh is taken care of mom can go full tilt ahead for her.
So till next time, I"m going to get there from here, I just have to take it one day, step, and week at atime.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
As I sit here getting ready for work and blogging with the last few minutes I have something I need to clear off my mind for the day to progress............. My son in an addict and as any parent of such our lives are turned upside down and every way but loose. Today he is on a plane headed for help. I hope he takes this gift and uses it to the best of his ability but a part of me is having trouble believing this is going to happen.
He doesn't know i've got this cancer thing going and I wanted it that way, I wanted him to go. If he knew there may be something here he wouldn't of got on that plane and as sad as this is to say, and I say this with tears down my face, I'm glad for the repreave myself. Life is tough when you are being pulled in so many directions. Sometimes I feel like maybe this is why i'm not at my goal yet, stress is a big deterant for weight loss. But I know that now is the time to take care of me.
I have his dog as I have blogged before. We go for daily runs, the dog doesn't walk believe me when I say this, I say my prayers during this time and each time I pray for my son most of all and the rest just fall to the wayside. I have asked god if maybe I wasted my prayers on my son and didn't leave any for myself? He hasn't answered but a friend did, NO, The lord never gives us more than we can handle and as my daughter told me last night, god wouldn't of given me Josh if he didn't think I could handle it. But oh lord it gets so tough, the tears, the trials, the courts, the jails. So much so that sometimes I have wondered if it is worth him being alive. I know that is horrible for a parent to think but when your child is a drug addict it could happen. And then I have to wonder does god feel he is strong enough to handle the addiction or is he being tested and failing. He will have to pay for this somehow.
I see him thin, teeth bad, dirty, and it tears me up. But I have long ago learned to control this around him and just pretend all is fine. when in the quiet I cry out to god to lead him down a much better road. I know god will take care in his time and not mine. If it was up to me he would be the college grad I know he could of been.
I'm sorry to make this blog so troublesome but you get to a point in life where you can't talk about this stuff with family, they have seen too much, and friends try to help but do they really understand. I"m not asking spark readers to understand because I don't, but if there are any other parents out there with the same issues you will understand the aloneness we feel sometimes.
I'm going to end this blog with a God bless, because there comes a time when we all need that. And today is my day. though I carry god with me daily, today I feel him stronger than ever. I am going to get there from here, one day, step, and moment at a time.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm down one pound and an inch and a half total for the week. Now i'm moving on to this new week. I handled yesterday and the weekend pretty good, had pizza saturday night but allowed for it and didn't go over my points. Even had free ones left for the week. WW has a points system and I use that, it is easier for me somehow.
Ok i'm off for my morning run, I have to get used to the dark in the mornings but i'm loving the weather. I have a new friend to take this morning and I have to allow time for the change. My new friend is my son's dog we are keeping for him while he is away getting himself together. So my babies are going to have to adapt to a new four legged friend and they aren't enjoying this so far. But to help my son get himself together I will do most anything to ease his way.
Today is my day to shine, i'm going to get there from here....
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Today is your day to Spread Wing and Soar.
Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You know I often wonder if i'm living each day to its fullest. Sometimes I think I have missed the boat and the end will come and I will have not done some great thing that I wanted to do. Spring comes and brings with it so many wonderful things I want to do in summer, then summer comes and fall follows and I have yet to get any of the things done, or gone to places, or just sat and enjoyed. Today is your day, mine also, to get done, go places, make those plans. We have to live today for all we can. Who is to say there is tomorrow. The lord didn't promise us tomorrow.
I myself am going ot enjoy this new time change to its fullest. This means i can go out for an evening stroll and just relax from a day of work, I can sit on the swing and gently sway away my troubles. So many things to do, so little time. For me this is my day, I have to live each one. If I succeed on my journey one day at a time then I have succeeded. So let's get out and spark. Show others what we can do, show ourselves what we can do. Afterall It is up to us to prove to us the great things we can do each day. God bless on this new spring day.
Friday, March 12, 2010
quote from Johnathan Lockwood daily inspiration:
Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey
You know it is funny that this showed up on my quotes for the day. Yesterday I got the dreaded call from the doctor. My pap is Positive for HPV. Now I'm still not sure about what all that means, they are sending info, but as of right now it means my cancers cells are active in my cervix. I go in the 23rd and they are going to do a tissure test to see for sure. I really could use prayer at this moment. As I recieved that call all I could think was how wonderful I felt and how can you feel that good when poison is in your body?
I'm healthy, I eat right, I exercise daily, so why me? well this virus decided it wanted to reek havoc on my life at this time. But I'm going to win this battle. Afterall I'm spark strong, and spark born and raised (at least the last year), But this has gotten my hubby and I to thinking. YOu never know what tomorrow will bring. We have to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. Now what I have is no longer life threatening if treated right. They did catch this at the very early stages (i'm a 1 on a scale of 0-10) so I can't stress enough how important it is to get your yearly checkups. Since I use the same doctor and I go yearly, the change was noticed right off.
I guess I will end this blog by saying taking care of oneself means getting checkups regurally and eating right and exercising. they go hand in hand. Never feel embarrassed to go to the doctor and never feel like you can't talk to your doctor, If you do, then move on to the next. there are some great ones out there. I know I have one of the best.
So people keep sparking, I'm going to get there from here.
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