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Thank you all

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


May the world be kind to you, and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I want to thank all for their prayers and comments on my blog yesterday. My son arrived last night and is fine (so far). He is at the first leg of his new self, and with prayer and the help of all us he will be fine. I have great hope and much faith in god.

As for mom, im holding my own. As I received the phone call letting me know he had arrived safe, I let out a breath. Now I can get past the worry, for now, and work on mom. That is a tough on as I have always worried most about my children and Josh has gotten the most of that worry and I hope I have never short changed my daughter. But as the parent of any addict will tell ya one child or two will go to the wayside because we have to give so much of ourselves to the other or the one in trouble I should say. It is never easy to push any needy child aside. Though I must confess I wanted to many times.

Some gave suggestions of counseling for me, been there and I learned a lot about myself during that phase. I learned to let him fall down, even if that meant death, because I can't live his life. I can only be there to help when i'm needed. I may want to turn my back but as a mom I can't, because under that exterior is my baby boy whom I know is loving, kind, and sweet. The devil just took over and he needs to lend a hand to god and let him in. I have to say that he did wake up one morning not so long ago and ask god to help him. Now he is away getting that help. God does answer our prayers just in his own way and time.

As for my spark journey, I"m doing awesome. I have been back to running every morning for the last three days, today of course it is raining and I must use the inside equipment but that is ok also. so I haven't given up on me. Now that josh is taken care of mom can go full tilt ahead for her.

So till next time, I"m going to get there from here, I just have to take it one day, step, and week at atime.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 3/17/2010 10:53AM

    Sadly, sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first. Hang in there. You're making good progress. -- Lou

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THE_JULES1 3/17/2010 10:39AM

    emoticon

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WMG6044 3/17/2010 10:20AM

  Hi, I am new to spark and your comment touched my heart. I know how difficult it is to have a child that is an addict.I want you to know how encouraging your comment was to me. I tend to focus on the problem instead of myself, so It was great to hear you taking care of yourself. God is in control all the time. A tool I used was to close my eyes and picture me placing my son in God's hands. Of course I have to leave him there to keep my serenity.

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BEACH_BUMM 3/17/2010 9:03AM

    Well said. I'm glad your son is ok and he will be ok. Great job on focusing on YOU! that's all you can do for now. So while your waiting on your son to get better, take all your emotions and use them as energy to get through your workouts. When your son is able to come home, you will both be brand new people.

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BUTTERFLYEMERGE 3/17/2010 8:35AM

    You are going to make it sweet friend. You have what it takes, you know what to do and God is there for you. Big emoticon.
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A mothers worst fears

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

As I sit here getting ready for work and blogging with the last few minutes I have something I need to clear off my mind for the day to progress............. My son in an addict and as any parent of such our lives are turned upside down and every way but loose. Today he is on a plane headed for help. I hope he takes this gift and uses it to the best of his ability but a part of me is having trouble believing this is going to happen.

He doesn't know i've got this cancer thing going and I wanted it that way, I wanted him to go. If he knew there may be something here he wouldn't of got on that plane and as sad as this is to say, and I say this with tears down my face, I'm glad for the repreave myself. Life is tough when you are being pulled in so many directions. Sometimes I feel like maybe this is why i'm not at my goal yet, stress is a big deterant for weight loss. But I know that now is the time to take care of me.

I have his dog as I have blogged before. We go for daily runs, the dog doesn't walk believe me when I say this, I say my prayers during this time and each time I pray for my son most of all and the rest just fall to the wayside. I have asked god if maybe I wasted my prayers on my son and didn't leave any for myself? He hasn't answered but a friend did, NO, The lord never gives us more than we can handle and as my daughter told me last night, god wouldn't of given me Josh if he didn't think I could handle it. But oh lord it gets so tough, the tears, the trials, the courts, the jails. So much so that sometimes I have wondered if it is worth him being alive. I know that is horrible for a parent to think but when your child is a drug addict it could happen. And then I have to wonder does god feel he is strong enough to handle the addiction or is he being tested and failing. He will have to pay for this somehow.

I see him thin, teeth bad, dirty, and it tears me up. But I have long ago learned to control this around him and just pretend all is fine. when in the quiet I cry out to god to lead him down a much better road. I know god will take care in his time and not mine. If it was up to me he would be the college grad I know he could of been.

I'm sorry to make this blog so troublesome but you get to a point in life where you can't talk about this stuff with family, they have seen too much, and friends try to help but do they really understand. I"m not asking spark readers to understand because I don't, but if there are any other parents out there with the same issues you will understand the aloneness we feel sometimes.

I'm going to end this blog with a God bless, because there comes a time when we all need that. And today is my day. though I carry god with me daily, today I feel him stronger than ever. I am going to get there from here, one day, step, and moment at a time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BER7506 3/18/2010 4:38PM

    As a child of an adict, a granddaughter, neice, and a sister in law of adicts as well, if there is one saying I have learned after a few family treatment retreats is: "Let go and LOVE- For you cannot help them, they must help themselves."
I say this with tears coming down my face as well.. I have sat where you have sat so many times and felt that hopelessness... but it will get better! Josh is where he needs to be to get better, focus on yourself and control only the things you have the power to control.
Keep praying for God will hear your prayers.
*You may roll the dice but God determains how they land - that is in psalms somewhere (I feel foolish for not knowing where, when I use it so often!)

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KAHOLLIDAY 3/18/2010 1:50PM

  My prayers are with you and your family. May God bless you and keep you all safe.

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GODZDESIGN95 3/18/2010 1:46PM

    prayers going up!!

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PSALMISTLD 3/18/2010 12:50PM

    I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling, but I know the GOD of our salvation has heard every word you've uttered and even the ones you were afraid to utter. HE hears your heart and knows every detail, and believe me, HE has sent every angel who is assigned to every facet of your life for which you have prayed out to accomplish what HE has set them to do. You find yourself under a seemingly impossible burden to carry, but the burden isn't yours to carry. I know it seems impossible to not be burdened by all that is going on right now, but I pray that the peace and strength that GOD has for you, you begin to tap into them even more than you have (and you have or else you would have given up long ago). You have made it this far and with your faith in GOD and your continued pleas to HIM (keep the lines of communication open at all times, both ways, listening, as well as pouring out your heart) do not fall on deaf ears. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and you will get there, regardless of what the enemy tries to tell you. I will be praying for your entire situation.
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RITAROSE 3/18/2010 12:39PM

  May the Lord give you rest in your soul. May he answer the many prayers for you and your son. May the counselors reach your son so that he turns away from drugs and is repulsed by the idea of taking them ever again. I am praying for you dear friend! Mother's sometimes have heavy burdens to carry over their children, but we have a Savior who loves his children and provides the rest for our souls. emoticon
Ritarose

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BIGDAD1211 3/18/2010 12:27PM

    You now when the prodigal son took all that he had and left and went into the world, I am sure that his father continued to pray and worry him, but Go didn't stop helping the father. He continued to bless the father and his household. And when the son finally came to his senses, he came home and asked forgiveness of his father and God. And until your son does as the prodigal son and gets his life together, there is nothing you can do for him but continue to pray for him, but remember this, there is never a limit to the prayers God hears from us. We have so many lost ones in our families and God is waiting to hear our requests for each one. AND He is waiting to hear your prayers for your self too! He will never leave us nor forsake us and He knows about every tear you have shed. Trust in Him to do His Will in His time according to us Plan. I am praying for you and your son my friend. Just Trust God.
In Jesus Name
Greg

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WENDYSPARKS 3/18/2010 10:24AM

    I am praying for you and your son. You need to take care of yourself... and your son needs to get the help he needs to help him get better. Make sure you take care of yourself also and get the help that you need too! God Bless You and your family at this time!! Take care, HUGS Wendy

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RE2BAH 3/18/2010 10:13AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon!

Feel for you! Take care of yourself! Yes, your son had your best, and found others and things that were not best for him. I'm praying that he finds what he needs now!

God bless!
Maria

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EWEINHISPASTURE 3/18/2010 10:10AM

    I am praying for your son and for you. emoticon

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THINWITHIN18 3/16/2010 11:03PM

    Judaism has a specific prayer for health: it asks for physical cure as well as spiritual healing, and for blessing, compassion, restoration, and strength for the sick and for everyone in the community who is facing illness. It would be my privilege to pray for your family, and I wish you only good things in the days ahead.

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JUNEBUG1944 3/16/2010 7:20PM

    I am so sorry. You have a lot to handle but you will do it. I wish both you and your son the best. God is with you and will help.

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TESHIE4ME 3/16/2010 12:42PM

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad your son is seeking the help that he needs and I pray for you that you take care of yourself through all of this. Don't lose faith. Today's life lessons don't usually make sense for a long time. emoticon emoticon

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PURPLELVR7 3/16/2010 12:02PM

    My prayers are with you and your son. God does not give us more then we can handle - but I pray he will do 2 miracles in your life. One for your son and one for you.

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A10TIVTRTL 3/16/2010 12:01PM

    Sad but true - almost every family has at least one member who suffers from addiction. In our family I watched someone I love ruin herself financially and physically trying to take care of someone who wasn't ready or willing to change. I know what you mean about how even other family members eventually get burned out with even hearing about it and trying to figure out what to do, and how you sometimes feel so alone. The truth is that you are not alone. When we went to an Alanon group and described something that we thought was so horrible, there were people there who understood and had similar and even worse stories to tell. A support group might help but until you find one you have Spark. We love you and support you and thank goodness you are also a person of faith, because the grace of God can see us through the worst of times. You are wise to pray for your son but also to pray for and care for yourself. At my church we say, "The Light of God surrounds you, the Love of God enfolds you. The Power of God protects you. The Presence of God watches over you. Wherever you are, God is..." and you are loved. You can say the same prayer for your son. Take care.

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IUHRYTR 3/16/2010 11:46AM

    Hang in there. Prayers are sent for you and your son. -- Lou

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BEACH_BUMM 3/16/2010 10:25AM

    My prayers are with you and your family. BIG emoticon you WILL get thru this and so will your son. Keep your head up and remember we are all here for you.

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THE_JULES1 3/16/2010 9:45AM

    My uncle was an addict. It is hard. He had no wife or kids so it was up to us, his family, to try to help out. I can tell you that nothing we did helped until he was ready to do it on his own. And he finally did. He finally gave up all the alcohol and drugs.
But we had to try. God puts us here for that purpose. If we see someone stumble and do not help him, that is sin, too.
I know my uncle is not my child and that the grief I had for who he could have been is not the same as what you have for your son, but you aren't alone.
There are support groups for family members of addicts. I think you should try one or two. It might help.

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BUTTERFLYEMERGE 3/16/2010 9:44AM

    Yes we will get there, my sweet friend. I have a special needs daughter ... adopted with mental illness, drug problems now that she's grown, and a host of other things to go along with that lifestyle she's chosen. I ate my way to 300 pounds trying to help her when she was younger. And I've healed my way back to a more normal size with God's help. He'll be here for us every moment. And friends will be here too. I understand what you're going through. It's the toughest battle we can be asked as mothers to fight. Thankfully, God helps us carry this burden because sometimes it does feel too large to carry it all by ourselves.

I'm so glad we're on this journey together. emoticon
Cathy emoticon

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BREEZE-FITNESS 3/16/2010 9:40AM

    What a wonderful person you are putting you son needs before your. A mother love for her son is something that cannot be explain,
I have been through up and downs with my own son and I can say today I am so glad I stuck by in in times when I just wanted to give up on him. He has turned the corner and hopefully he on the right track now.
Look after your self . god bless

Trish emoticon

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Weekly weigh in

Monday, March 15, 2010

emoticonI'm down one pound and an inch and a half total for the week. emoticon Now i'm moving on to this new week. I handled yesterday and the weekend pretty good, had pizza saturday night but allowed for it and didn't go over my points. Even had free ones left for the week. WW has a points system and I use that, it is easier for me somehow.

Ok i'm off for my morning run, I have to get used to the dark in the mornings but i'm loving the weather. I have a new friend to take this morning and I have to allow time for the change. My new friend is my son's dog we are keeping for him while he is away getting himself together. So my babies are going to have to adapt to a new four legged friend and they aren't enjoying this so far. But to help my son get himself together I will do most anything to ease his way.

Today is my day to shine, i'm going to get there from here....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEACH_BUMM 3/16/2010 8:22AM

    YAY for you!! Hope you have a good week. I use to belong to WW and lost a lot, then quit, gained. tried to get back into it. Seems once I do something and stop I can't get back into it.

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THE_JULES1 3/15/2010 3:02PM

    Yay! I am glad you are a pound down! Woo Hoo!

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DOCYJK 3/15/2010 10:11AM

    Good for you on your week! It's fun to see progress, not to mention the great way that you feel! Keep it up!

- Yvonne

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PATRISNA 3/15/2010 9:41AM

    I am so happy the scale is moving down! emoticon

I think your babies and sons dog will all adjust to each other. I am going to be taking care of Susie the beagle and BoBo the cat later this week. The sisters and DH are going to go see their Dad. Louie likes both of them so no problem. I just won't be able to leave Susie alone. She is still a chewer.

Have a great week! emoticon
Pat

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IUHRYTR 3/15/2010 8:41AM

    Down is always good progress. Keep up the good effort. -- Lou

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JZAPRN 3/15/2010 8:27AM

  I think points are easier too. But I have found tracking in SP more helpful in that it really helps me see what I am eating and where my diet is lacking.

Congrats on the weight loss!

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BUTTERFLYEMERGE 3/15/2010 8:20AM

    emoticon on your progress ... and on being an emoticon Mom. What a blessing you are to your son.
Big Hugs,
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LOSINGJESS 3/15/2010 7:41AM

    way to go on the one pound loss and sticking to your points this weekend. I know what you mean about points seeming easier... Its much less daunting to keep up with like 29 points then it is to keep up with 1500 calories.... or at least it seems that way when you start out. I switched to calorie counting this past janurary but the points system worked good for me the first year.

Have a great week!

~ Jess emoticon

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Today is your day

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today is your day to Spread Wing and Soar.
Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You know I often wonder if i'm living each day to its fullest. Sometimes I think I have missed the boat and the end will come and I will have not done some great thing that I wanted to do. Spring comes and brings with it so many wonderful things I want to do in summer, then summer comes and fall follows and I have yet to get any of the things done, or gone to places, or just sat and enjoyed. Today is your day, mine also, to get done, go places, make those plans. We have to live today for all we can. Who is to say there is tomorrow. The lord didn't promise us tomorrow.

I myself am going ot enjoy this new time change to its fullest. This means i can go out for an evening stroll and just relax from a day of work, I can sit on the swing and gently sway away my troubles. So many things to do, so little time. For me this is my day, I have to live each one. If I succeed on my journey one day at a time then I have succeeded. So let's get out and spark. Show others what we can do, show ourselves what we can do. Afterall It is up to us to prove to us the great things we can do each day. God bless on this new spring day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KATRET 3/28/2010 8:27AM

    Great thoughts! Good way to start the day.

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GOSPELCLOWN 3/14/2010 2:25PM

    Enjoy the people that are around you and the scenery that surrounds you. Life is to be savoured. Why are we trying to live at warp speed?

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PEPPERLEAH 3/14/2010 12:16PM

    Spring does bring many wonderful things! Enjoy your day! It is so important to take time to stop and smell the roses. Life gets so busy sometimes, that we simply MUST take some down time to enjoy the things God has given us.

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WENDYSPARKS 3/14/2010 12:08PM

    I loved this blog!!

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BUTTERFLYEMERGE 3/14/2010 12:01PM

    I'm taking a page from you and purposefully enjoying this time change. Living on purpose. Yes, a huge key to enjoying life. Thanks for a beautiful blog!
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IUHRYTR 3/14/2010 11:49AM

    A emoticon message of hope, rejuvenation and determination. If we allow life's pleasures to pass us by we will forever regret not having taken the time to enjoy them. -- Lou

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TDEMJANEC 3/14/2010 9:02AM

    Thank you! emoticon

Best,
-Tanya
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MR.NET1 3/14/2010 7:31AM

    emoticon

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NUTRON3 3/14/2010 7:28AM

    I love this!

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Start living now

Friday, March 12, 2010

quote from Johnathan Lockwood daily inspiration:

Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey

You know it is funny that this showed up on my quotes for the day. Yesterday I got the dreaded call from the doctor. My pap is Positive for HPV. Now I'm still not sure about what all that means, they are sending info, but as of right now it means my cancers cells are active in my cervix. I go in the 23rd and they are going to do a tissure test to see for sure. I really could use prayer at this moment. As I recieved that call all I could think was how wonderful I felt and how can you feel that good when poison is in your body?

I'm healthy, I eat right, I exercise daily, so why me? well this virus decided it wanted to reek havoc on my life at this time. But I'm going to win this battle. Afterall I'm spark strong, and spark born and raised (at least the last year), But this has gotten my hubby and I to thinking. YOu never know what tomorrow will bring. We have to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. Now what I have is no longer life threatening if treated right. They did catch this at the very early stages (i'm a 1 on a scale of 0-10) so I can't stress enough how important it is to get your yearly checkups. Since I use the same doctor and I go yearly, the change was noticed right off.

I guess I will end this blog by saying taking care of oneself means getting checkups regurally and eating right and exercising. they go hand in hand. Never feel embarrassed to go to the doctor and never feel like you can't talk to your doctor, If you do, then move on to the next. there are some great ones out there. I know I have one of the best.

So people keep sparking, I'm going to get there from here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GOSPELCLOWN 3/14/2010 2:30PM

    I like your attitude. I went for biopsies and my diagnosis was healthy in the end. I feel for you and you start this journey. Please know that medicine has made huge steps in this field in the last 15 years.

Rest in His Love and continue to eat in a healthy manner. Get rest and exercise! You are in my prayers!

Karen

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TESHIE4ME 3/12/2010 11:12AM

    I'm so glad it was caught early. Stay strong. I believe in the healing power of positive thinking and prayer. Praying for you and a quick 100% recovery.

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TITUS2WMN 3/12/2010 11:11AM

    Praying!!!
:o) Christine

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SPYKEY_RYE 3/12/2010 10:11AM

    Oh honey, I really feel for you, I'm waiting for my second test because I had an abnormal result recently. It's a horrible time, and you do feel like "why me?" when you do everything right and still get ill.

It's because you're doing everything right that you've caught this early. Nowadays, they don't even let it develop into cancer, they normally have a look and see if they need to remove them (apparently not painful, using a laser) and if they do then you'll be in really quickly to get rid of them.

I do have friends who have had them removed and then had clear results ever since, so keep your chin up. You are doing the right thing by testing regularly and keeping your body healthy xxx

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BUTTERFLYEMERGE 3/12/2010 8:26AM

    Big emoticon and agreeing with you in prayer that your doctor will advise the correct treatment and that your body will respond in appropriate fashion. I'm so glad you are taking such good care of you and getting your yearly exams. They really are THAT important!
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IUHRYTR 3/12/2010 8:18AM

    You have done what you could. Now it is is the hands of God and the doctors. Prayers and positive thoughts will be with you. Please keep a good attitude and keep us updated. -- Lou

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JHADZHIA 3/12/2010 7:43AM

    There is nothing you can do about having the HPV, lots of women do and don't even know it. It had nothing to do with your healthy lifestyle. I am all for girls getting vaccinated against this virus at a young age before the run the risk of catching it. And absolutely women need to get regular check ups, just like men for their prostrate should be doing also.
Very, very glad they caught it early. I wish you all the best, you will be in my thoughts...
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NUOVAELLE 3/12/2010 7:39AM

    I'm sending a big prayer towards you. You deserve congratulations. You're a responsible person who doesn't forget her annual tests and because of that you're facing the less possible danger. I hope everything goes well for you. I know the "Why me?" question is hard and inevitable but you will never get an answer to that. Be strong. Lots of prayers for you.


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MR.NET1 3/12/2010 7:32AM

    emoticon

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