Sunday, October 11, 2009
well i would love to say i survived two days in a row but i would just be lying to me and you. i did fine for a bit, then it happend.....the munchy elf in me came to play. oh we played alright.....chips, peanut butter bar, two cookies...you get the picture. the truth of the matter is i wasn't even hungry. after the moment or three passed, i lay there, because i couldn't move without wanting to throw up, and i hated myself. so i got up and went into the bathroom...no guys i didn't purge.....i looked in the mirror and had a heart to heart with myself. i hated the way i felt, i was upset, and i let me know i can't get there doing all this in one day. what i did was out of boredom. i worked all day with getting done much needed tasks i had put off. i was so proud of me. i ate a good breakfast so that wasn't the trouble, i had a decent lunch.....i just caved when it was time to sit down and relax.
i need to stop with this. it is becoming a habit again and i don't like it. i have beat myself up over this and i have decided to move on. what is done is done. i can't go back. i can only move ahead. what i want you all to know is that i 'm ok with this. i want to reach my goal. i have to reach it for me. i haven't ever finished with anything. i start all gung ho then i taper off. just as now. but i want my spark friends to know this is the first time in a long time that i have stuck with something.
i got my cetification in pharmacy teching, took a year but i did it, i got baptized, took a lifetime but i did it, i raised two wonderful children, for the early years alone, i survived with a great story to tell. i saw my son go from an addict to a great young man, i stood by his side, not always in body, but a heck of a lot in spirit. somethings have to be done alone.
so when i look back over my life at where i have come from and i see where i want to go, i know that i can overcome this setback. maybe not today and maybe it will take a bit longer than i had first thought. but i will succeed. i have triumphed over a lot in my 43 years of life and i won't let some silly bag of chips defeat me. they are gone (not litterally) but i mean from me. i will not purchase them anylonger as i see the damage they cause to my pyche. i f i so choose to have them it will be the tiny bags for .33 cents at walmart.
you know i said i bit back in this blog i never finished anything. after writing all this i have finished so much in my life. sometimes alone, sometimes with help of family and friends. so this challenge is nothing for me. that which doesn't kill us just makes us stronger. i'm still around and i know i'm much stronger than that young mother left to raise two young kids alone. god sent me my hubby, and he is my rock in times of trouble. so i will lean on him a bit longer for this. i have to thank todd for a lot, he eats turkey burgers and never complains, he let's me cook what i want and if i know he won't eat it he fends for himeself. so i'm greatly blessed.
ok my morning of rambling is over. i have to get ready for church. i want to wish all my spark friends old and new a blessed day. we are going to get there from here. we just have to have faith. i may not have a lot but faith i have. michelle.