Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Well for the most part my brain has been telling my body that it can't do a darn thing. But the truth is I had a "aha moment" if you will the other day. I was sick had to go to the doctors and get meds and a shot, of course first thing you do is step on the darn scales. Up wayyyyyyy up that number went. I swallowed, and just shook my head. I had allowed myself to reach a number higher than I had begun this journey some five years ago. Why? At what point did this become ok? You know what i'm talking about ok to eat and eat, ok to just kind of sail through the exercise with no destination, strength training is non existant and the good foods and water? Heck they don't even enter into it. But you keep lying to yourself and you think your just fine.
Well i'm here to tell you i'm not just fine. I'm at a point where I don't like me much, the lies I've told me over and over have come to light and the truth is I've been sitting this out for some time. So two days now, I know just the beginning, I've tracked and kept me in check. Why? Because I want health. I don't like the me I've allowed myself to become. I don't like the lazy, uncomfortable person I see each day in the mirror. So I've decided to take on myself. Because.....
I'm all I have to compete with.
So if you think eating private won't tell on you in public i'm here to tell you it will. And let me be the first to say it won't whisper dear it will scream it loud.
Sunday, October 06, 2013
At some point you realize that life is just that: life. Ups, downs, good, bad, it's all just life. It all balances out, and letting every little bump in the road sideline you is no way to live.
Oh I hit the wall, square on and with my face. I didn't just hit it I fell over it and never looked back.
I had forgotten how to do this. I was just pretending to myself and all of you. Oh I came here and I earned points, but for what really? They didn't mean anything. So I just gave up on myself. I didn't give up on you, I cheered each of you on, I gave up on me, never cheering my good but always seeing the bad.
Well no more. It is time to face my faults and fix my failures. How am I to do this you may wonder??? well one day at a time like spark says. I will aim for on pound at a time as that is achievable. No more crying in my Wheaties...I must face up to my failures. I will begin with a food journal, pen, and stickers. I will then report to spark. I will get my waters, exercise (which is the only thing I do get regular because I love it), but it will be in the planning and structure of my meals that I will be the most diligent. I seem to have veered off the path on that so far it may be tough to get back on but I can do this one step at a time.
There it is out there for you and for me. I weighed in this morning at 156.6. Not pretty and not laughable. That is my highest weight yet and at 5' 1" i'm now obese. Now there in is a word that will make you sit up and take notice if nothing else does. My number one goal is to see a healthy BMI. I'm not aiming for a certain pound at this point but to be normal would be awesome. I don't want to be "skinny" I want to be healthy. So today I begin. My conscience is clear, my mind is in the right place, and i'm ready to take on myself.
Wednesday, October 02, 2013
What does that mean exactly? I'm so confused and just seem to be making myself crazy. My mind is so full of what I should do, how to do it, what is going wrong, how much to each, what not to eat, what to write, when to write, how to count....STOP THE MADNESS is what I want to yell out to my mind. I'm so tired. Tired of standing still, tired of eating all the wrong things, tired of not liking the body I have been given and always wanting something better. I'm just tired of it all.
Each morning I awake and I think i'm ready to begin now. Today is the day. Well I start off great. I do what is needed, then I come home from work, tired, hungry, and well we all know those two words don't actually work together. So I eat and I eat. Then I go to bed with the sick full feeling and again the "loser" feeling and not in a good way. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't just get one day in without messing it up? What is it going to take to get me to take care of myself once again? To want to take care of myself again is the better question to ask I guess. Because as the days, ;months, and years have gone on I've come to the conclusion that I just don't want this enough to make the changes. I mean if I truly did I would be able to right? Man I just want to wake up and like the me i'm right now. So what will I do to make this happen? Well there in lies the trouble.
So staying focused? I'm just not so sure right now if that is possible. I want to just give up....wait I have done that already. I mean heck it shows in my blogs, my weight, my diet, even my exercise which I love. I'm even tired of hearing how great all my friends are doing. Even my daughter is on the losing wagon....35 pounds down so far. but me???? staying right where I always was. Oh I lost for while even maintained for a bit, then gained and have held......My mind isn't in a good place right now. I just need to rest for a bit.
But rest will only mean giving up on me...right?
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
Wow October already. Man how time flies and i'm still sitting still. Well not literally but maybe figuratively and no pun was intended there. This is a new day, month, new goals. It is time to heal the past, forge ahead, and just be happy that i'm me and be happy the lord has given me another day to try and get this right.
My goals for this month are simple really...more water, more fruits and veggies. When I reach these goals I have a feeling the rest will fall into place. I may need to tweak a bit here and there but I can do this simple task this month.
Today i'm choosing me.
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