Wednesday, October 02, 2013
What does that mean exactly? I'm so confused and just seem to be making myself crazy. My mind is so full of what I should do, how to do it, what is going wrong, how much to each, what not to eat, what to write, when to write, how to count....STOP THE MADNESS is what I want to yell out to my mind. I'm so tired. Tired of standing still, tired of eating all the wrong things, tired of not liking the body I have been given and always wanting something better. I'm just tired of it all.
Each morning I awake and I think i'm ready to begin now. Today is the day. Well I start off great. I do what is needed, then I come home from work, tired, hungry, and well we all know those two words don't actually work together. So I eat and I eat. Then I go to bed with the sick full feeling and again the "loser" feeling and not in a good way. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't just get one day in without messing it up? What is it going to take to get me to take care of myself once again? To want to take care of myself again is the better question to ask I guess. Because as the days, ;months, and years have gone on I've come to the conclusion that I just don't want this enough to make the changes. I mean if I truly did I would be able to right? Man I just want to wake up and like the me i'm right now. So what will I do to make this happen? Well there in lies the trouble.
So staying focused? I'm just not so sure right now if that is possible. I want to just give up....wait I have done that already. I mean heck it shows in my blogs, my weight, my diet, even my exercise which I love. I'm even tired of hearing how great all my friends are doing. Even my daughter is on the losing wagon....35 pounds down so far. but me???? staying right where I always was. Oh I lost for while even maintained for a bit, then gained and have held......My mind isn't in a good place right now. I just need to rest for a bit.
But rest will only mean giving up on me...right?