Sunday, May 12, 2013
I would love to just take a moment and wish each of my spark friends a very Happy Mothers Day. Parenting doesn't come with a instruction manual and sometimes we make mistakes...but being a mom is so much more than anyone can know. Whether you are a mom to your own or a mom of the heart bless each of you for the lives you touch each and everyday.
I got out and walked for my mothers day. I got in 2 miles and I even found time to do the mom things....laundry, dishes, and dinner. To be fair my hubby was laying our new hardwood in our den so it was well worth the work on my end. And who is a mom and doesn't have to work each and everyday.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott
As I said yesterday in my blog things inside me have about run dry. Well the tears seem to fall pretty easily lately but the other part the caring is running dry. Well today I woke to that quote in my email. I felt like I was being sent a message. I had my coffee and I headed out for a walk with my little walking partner. "Harley" and I haven't walked in so long together. I know she enjoyed it as much as I did. But I will be honest I'm really out of shape. But we did three miles and survived. I got home and got my sheets changed and in the wash. Then I headed back for a curtain that my husband had spilled milk of all things and it got on them. Well that led to all the curtains and the dust from too little time spent on anything that really matters lately would show, then of course the windows had to be cleaned and the blinds hosed. next thing I know I'm vaccuming all the little spaces in that room. when that was done I got my home gym cleaned. Man dust and dirt everywhere. Moral of all this....the walk gave my mind a much needed cleaning as much as my getting into that mess at home did for the room.
I know I must sound like a petulant child whining about the weight, the stress, the work, the well life in general. But if you have never had this thing called depression or anxiety you just wouldn't understand the mess it makes of your whole being. I can't really say i'm depressed but i'm sure anxious about something. though I did go all day with no zyrtec and all is well. no hives. but then again i'm off work for vacation this week so time will tell. I just miss feeling whole. what does that mean really? Does anyone really know? I mean we each are so different and that is a good thing, so what is whole for me may not be for someone else. Ok i'm getting a bit too deep even for me so time to back away from all that.
I had a pretty good food day, not perfect, but I made better choices than I could of being home all day alone. I moved more than I have in forever and now i'm ready for a moment. that is a "International coffee" for those that don't know. so i'm going to close now and I want to say to those that read this....we have to take it day by day. we may not get it right but I think I for one need to understand my journey. I need to learn to love me and find out what makes me tick. So I'm going to head off on this new week tomorrow and not look back. Ok that may be a bit of a lie. I will look back because to go forward I really need to spend time finding out why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling and fix the problem.
Friday, May 10, 2013
As I sit down to type this blog i'm saddened by my progress on this journey, my lack of energy, my total disregard for the me that I so dream of being. But lets be honest here it is only a dream until I get up off my A#$ and do something about it. I have honestly had a crappy week. I've eaten ok for the most part but i'm so stressed from work that I have hives. Yup itching and living on zyrtec isn't the way to be. It isn't just work it is all of this in general. I worry constantly over what i'm eating, i'm eating too much, or maybe I should choose something else, exercising but am I exercising enough, the scales aren't moving but my clothes fit a bit better. I get ready to go out somewhere and the clothes on the floor of the bath tell the true story of me and how i'm hating myself. nothing fits, if it fits it looks awful. So what do I do.....I eat more, I cry, I get myself worked up. I hate this feeling. I'm so ready to throw away my books, close my accounts, and just live with myself the way i'm at. But in truth is that what I really want? No never, I ate the me I've become. I can't stand to look in ;the mirror because the woman looking back at me isn't the me in my mind. So where is the me in my mind? She is on a break and not coming back for a while. I'm taking to pretending i'm so happy and really i'm hating myself and those around me that are showing progress because they figured it out and i'm still wallowing in my self pity.
I don't want to hear anyone say it will get better, or your doing fine, or anything. That is just not what I want to hear at this time. What I want is for me, Michelle, to get off my butt and get this job done. what I want is to step on the scales at the end of the week and see some movement, what I want is to go to work and get through a day with no crap and to not have to fix all the problems in the Pharmacy. I actually threw my badge and walked out this week. I'd had enough. I came back with much coaxing from my boss. I know childish now that I've thought it out. and i'm so happy that she talked me out of making a big mistake, but would it have been? I don't know but I know that living with this stress is going to kill me. I know I need to enjoy this week off I have and I know I need to get happy with me or no one is ever going to be happy with the me that i'm becoming.
then to top it off i'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Now that is probably the biggest trigger to all this i'm feeling. I know it will cause my weight to slow, but hell enough is enough. I'm going to the doctors this week and i'm going to get something for the anxiety, and talk to her about this weight and hormones. Who knows maybe a pill is the way to go. I just don't know anymore and right now i'm just ready to breathe through the tears and smile when it is over.
Ok I know I've vented wayyy more than anyone needed. But damn i'm tired of feeling like this about myself and then coming on here each day and not really putting any effort into this site because to be honest i'm lying not only to myself ;but to all of you. I mean most reach goals here, most find the new them here, all I've found is the same old me and when I say that I mean it. My weight is the same. dang that sucks.
My only shining light is the friends I've made here. You all give me the want power to keep coming back. I don't want to miss a moment of your journeys even when mine is such a joke right now. So never think otherwise. I just right now really don't want to hear any negative comments. And if you've never felt like this be glad. Because we overcome so much in our lives and then to not be able to overcome this is just devastating for all involved. so thanks for your time, your friendship, your inspirations and for never giving on me even when I've given up on myself.
I'm going to close for now as i'm just so tired. life will go on but in truth I want so much for a brighter path to shine for me. But I need to find the light and so far it isn't happening with my mind in such a mess.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I"m only at the step of I can do it, but I'm getting up those steps one by one. We all begin this journey with a destination, at some point the view gets a bit foggy, but for the most part we continue forward. Yes we may take a detour on the road less traveled, we may stop and rest, or we may just make a new path. But we never quit. We are not quitters. At least so far I'm not.
Now I won't lie, I've thought about it a time or two. Oh how I've wanted to just say the heck with this and do what I wanted. I mean what is the use right, the numbers aren't changing and I'm not liking myself at this stage. Well where would I be if I quit? Nowhere. Surely not here with you all and surely not proud of each step I do take in the right direction. So I continue on.
Only when life is difficult, are we challenged to become our greatest selves.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
So where are you in this journey? Just beginning, in the middle, maybe on a plateau, or at the end. Wherever you may be is where you are because you worked hard and now you will work harder still to get to the next level....we all want to reach the top step and "I did it" phase.
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