Wednesday, May 15, 2013
You get one shot at life. Grab it and take control of your destiny starting today!
This was a quote from Spark guy on my email today. It just speaks so loudly to me at this time in my journey as I've been going through a few things and this is just one thing I have forgotten.....I have control of my destiny. The food doesn't control me I control it. I'm just a bit confused at this time and a bit mixed up about what is what and who is still in charge. But this week I've been on vacation from work but not from myself. Since i'm at home i'm spending time on me, my home, and my destiny. I'm walking and it feels awesome. I'm eating (for the most part) as I should. Now I say for the most part because I can't lie and say i'm perfect....whom of us is? I mean really?????
But i'm getting my water, choosing it over diet drinks, having my popcorn air popped and not in the bag. I found I can have the same amount for half the calories if I do it myself. Funny maybe there is something to less processed. I've been cooking our meals at night again, which I had slacked on big time. So we shall see how this week ends. So far i'm feeling pretty good about ME.
Now a few days back I was having issues. Ok they are still there, i'm just learning to work them to best fit me. I can't do what you do and you can't do what I do so looking at a friend and saying "well i'm doing the same as her and i'm not losing" that isn't going to cut it. I have to work my plan for me. I need help, I need hands to hold, I need a pat on the back, but only I can do what is needed in the end. That is a big responsibility for me but i'm going to see this through. Rome wasn't built in a day and I guess the Michelle I so want to become isn't going to be either.
So I set off for tomorrow and my new destiny. After all it is up to me how that turns out.
Monday, May 13, 2013
SparkPeople community moderator Denise says:
Changing habits takes time, but it is time well spent.
Well I've certainly been working on that. Lets see so far this week I've walks seven miles since Saturday. Now I am moving but the food department is still in the works. Oh I know what to do as I've done all this before...you know in a past life where I lost all my weight, was wearing smaller clothes, beginning to run. Yeah that was me. Now I'm the one back where I started, the smaller clothes? yeah well that is better left unsaid and the big clothes I once wore? Some of those are even too tight, running? you've got to be kidding. I just did a yoga stretch from my desk chair and I couldn't breathe. Belly was in the way.
So what am I going to do to fix all this? Well yeah i'm working on that. As I said I know what to do it is just in the doing i'm haing a bit of trouble. You see I always seem to eat the wrong foods. I know they don't need to be in this house and I know that I have control over what goes in my cart...yada yada, but my hubby has it here. No excuse because it is his snacks. I really shouldn't be in them. I need to weigh and measure my foods, use the scales and cups I have at the ready but really they are too much work to use. Exercise? I'm working on that. As I've said I've walked seven miles so far this week. I'm off of work and it is easy for me to get out and do this. Now next week may be another story. I will have to use my home gym, walk when I can, and just move forward.
Since walking again my anxiety level is down. No hives for two whole days. Progress? Yeah I would say so. I can't say the scales will share in the progress thing or not this coming week but i'm going to work hard to see a change for the good. Even if they don't I will be pleased with the amount of movement I've gotten in so far. Ok I may be a bit upset if they don't move, but I shouldn't be. I have worked hard so far and tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I would love to just take a moment and wish each of my spark friends a very Happy Mothers Day. Parenting doesn't come with a instruction manual and sometimes we make mistakes...but being a mom is so much more than anyone can know. Whether you are a mom to your own or a mom of the heart bless each of you for the lives you touch each and everyday.
I got out and walked for my mothers day. I got in 2 miles and I even found time to do the mom things....laundry, dishes, and dinner. To be fair my hubby was laying our new hardwood in our den so it was well worth the work on my end. And who is a mom and doesn't have to work each and everyday.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott
As I said yesterday in my blog things inside me have about run dry. Well the tears seem to fall pretty easily lately but the other part the caring is running dry. Well today I woke to that quote in my email. I felt like I was being sent a message. I had my coffee and I headed out for a walk with my little walking partner. "Harley" and I haven't walked in so long together. I know she enjoyed it as much as I did. But I will be honest I'm really out of shape. But we did three miles and survived. I got home and got my sheets changed and in the wash. Then I headed back for a curtain that my husband had spilled milk of all things and it got on them. Well that led to all the curtains and the dust from too little time spent on anything that really matters lately would show, then of course the windows had to be cleaned and the blinds hosed. next thing I know I'm vaccuming all the little spaces in that room. when that was done I got my home gym cleaned. Man dust and dirt everywhere. Moral of all this....the walk gave my mind a much needed cleaning as much as my getting into that mess at home did for the room.
I know I must sound like a petulant child whining about the weight, the stress, the work, the well life in general. But if you have never had this thing called depression or anxiety you just wouldn't understand the mess it makes of your whole being. I can't really say i'm depressed but i'm sure anxious about something. though I did go all day with no zyrtec and all is well. no hives. but then again i'm off work for vacation this week so time will tell. I just miss feeling whole. what does that mean really? Does anyone really know? I mean we each are so different and that is a good thing, so what is whole for me may not be for someone else. Ok i'm getting a bit too deep even for me so time to back away from all that.
I had a pretty good food day, not perfect, but I made better choices than I could of being home all day alone. I moved more than I have in forever and now i'm ready for a moment. that is a "International coffee" for those that don't know. so i'm going to close now and I want to say to those that read this....we have to take it day by day. we may not get it right but I think I for one need to understand my journey. I need to learn to love me and find out what makes me tick. So I'm going to head off on this new week tomorrow and not look back. Ok that may be a bit of a lie. I will look back because to go forward I really need to spend time finding out why i'm feeling the way i'm feeling and fix the problem.
Friday, May 10, 2013
As I sit down to type this blog i'm saddened by my progress on this journey, my lack of energy, my total disregard for the me that I so dream of being. But lets be honest here it is only a dream until I get up off my A#$ and do something about it. I have honestly had a crappy week. I've eaten ok for the most part but i'm so stressed from work that I have hives. Yup itching and living on zyrtec isn't the way to be. It isn't just work it is all of this in general. I worry constantly over what i'm eating, i'm eating too much, or maybe I should choose something else, exercising but am I exercising enough, the scales aren't moving but my clothes fit a bit better. I get ready to go out somewhere and the clothes on the floor of the bath tell the true story of me and how i'm hating myself. nothing fits, if it fits it looks awful. So what do I do.....I eat more, I cry, I get myself worked up. I hate this feeling. I'm so ready to throw away my books, close my accounts, and just live with myself the way i'm at. But in truth is that what I really want? No never, I ate the me I've become. I can't stand to look in ;the mirror because the woman looking back at me isn't the me in my mind. So where is the me in my mind? She is on a break and not coming back for a while. I'm taking to pretending i'm so happy and really i'm hating myself and those around me that are showing progress because they figured it out and i'm still wallowing in my self pity.
I don't want to hear anyone say it will get better, or your doing fine, or anything. That is just not what I want to hear at this time. What I want is for me, Michelle, to get off my butt and get this job done. what I want is to step on the scales at the end of the week and see some movement, what I want is to go to work and get through a day with no crap and to not have to fix all the problems in the Pharmacy. I actually threw my badge and walked out this week. I'd had enough. I came back with much coaxing from my boss. I know childish now that I've thought it out. and i'm so happy that she talked me out of making a big mistake, but would it have been? I don't know but I know that living with this stress is going to kill me. I know I need to enjoy this week off I have and I know I need to get happy with me or no one is ever going to be happy with the me that i'm becoming.
then to top it off i'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Now that is probably the biggest trigger to all this i'm feeling. I know it will cause my weight to slow, but hell enough is enough. I'm going to the doctors this week and i'm going to get something for the anxiety, and talk to her about this weight and hormones. Who knows maybe a pill is the way to go. I just don't know anymore and right now i'm just ready to breathe through the tears and smile when it is over.
Ok I know I've vented wayyy more than anyone needed. But damn i'm tired of feeling like this about myself and then coming on here each day and not really putting any effort into this site because to be honest i'm lying not only to myself ;but to all of you. I mean most reach goals here, most find the new them here, all I've found is the same old me and when I say that I mean it. My weight is the same. dang that sucks.
My only shining light is the friends I've made here. You all give me the want power to keep coming back. I don't want to miss a moment of your journeys even when mine is such a joke right now. So never think otherwise. I just right now really don't want to hear any negative comments. And if you've never felt like this be glad. Because we overcome so much in our lives and then to not be able to overcome this is just devastating for all involved. so thanks for your time, your friendship, your inspirations and for never giving on me even when I've given up on myself.
I'm going to close for now as i'm just so tired. life will go on but in truth I want so much for a brighter path to shine for me. But I need to find the light and so far it isn't happening with my mind in such a mess.
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