MALEXANDER4   160,332
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To be or not, that is the question

Friday, May 10, 2013

As I sit down to type this blog i'm saddened by my progress on this journey, my lack of energy, my total disregard for the me that I so dream of being. But lets be honest here it is only a dream until I get up off my A#$ and do something about it. I have honestly had a crappy week. I've eaten ok for the most part but i'm so stressed from work that I have hives. Yup itching and living on zyrtec isn't the way to be. It isn't just work it is all of this in general. I worry constantly over what i'm eating, i'm eating too much, or maybe I should choose something else, exercising but am I exercising enough, the scales aren't moving but my clothes fit a bit better. I get ready to go out somewhere and the clothes on the floor of the bath tell the true story of me and how i'm hating myself. nothing fits, if it fits it looks awful. So what do I do.....I eat more, I cry, I get myself worked up. I hate this feeling. I'm so ready to throw away my books, close my accounts, and just live with myself the way i'm at. But in truth is that what I really want? No never, I ate the me I've become. I can't stand to look in ;the mirror because the woman looking back at me isn't the me in my mind. So where is the me in my mind? She is on a break and not coming back for a while. I'm taking to pretending i'm so happy and really i'm hating myself and those around me that are showing progress because they figured it out and i'm still wallowing in my self pity.

I don't want to hear anyone say it will get better, or your doing fine, or anything. That is just not what I want to hear at this time. What I want is for me, Michelle, to get off my butt and get this job done. what I want is to step on the scales at the end of the week and see some movement, what I want is to go to work and get through a day with no crap and to not have to fix all the problems in the Pharmacy. I actually threw my badge and walked out this week. I'd had enough. I came back with much coaxing from my boss. I know childish now that I've thought it out. and i'm so happy that she talked me out of making a big mistake, but would it have been? I don't know but I know that living with this stress is going to kill me. I know I need to enjoy this week off I have and I know I need to get happy with me or no one is ever going to be happy with the me that i'm becoming.

then to top it off i'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Now that is probably the biggest trigger to all this i'm feeling. I know it will cause my weight to slow, but hell enough is enough. I'm going to the doctors this week and i'm going to get something for the anxiety, and talk to her about this weight and hormones. Who knows maybe a pill is the way to go. I just don't know anymore and right now i'm just ready to breathe through the tears and smile when it is over.

Ok I know I've vented wayyy more than anyone needed. But damn i'm tired of feeling like this about myself and then coming on here each day and not really putting any effort into this site because to be honest i'm lying not only to myself ;but to all of you. I mean most reach goals here, most find the new them here, all I've found is the same old me and when I say that I mean it. My weight is the same. dang that sucks.

My only shining light is the friends I've made here. You all give me the want power to keep coming back. I don't want to miss a moment of your journeys even when mine is such a joke right now. So never think otherwise. I just right now really don't want to hear any negative comments. And if you've never felt like this be glad. Because we overcome so much in our lives and then to not be able to overcome this is just devastating for all involved. so thanks for your time, your friendship, your inspirations and for never giving on me even when I've given up on myself.

I'm going to close for now as i'm just so tired. life will go on but in truth I want so much for a brighter path to shine for me. But I need to find the light and so far it isn't happening with my mind in such a mess.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERESA6262 5/11/2013 11:50AM

    Much love is coming your way! Teresa
(check your mail!)

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KENDRACARROLL 5/11/2013 11:41AM

    Good vent, now move on.
Don't get mad at me for saying that, girl; you said you wanted no sympathy.
Your SparkFriends are here for you!!
Hope today is better.


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KENTUCKYWOMAN 5/11/2013 6:39AM

    Won't tell you it will get easier, won't even tell you that your doing find, cause we both know your not. However....I will say....I'm here vent all you need or want to.
Hugs,
Joan

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WALLAHALLA 5/10/2013 10:32PM

    Right now, I'm relating too well, and thinking it sucks to be me. I love your honesty and it is refreshing. You are not the only one discouraged by lack of progress.

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JANELMARIESTAR 5/10/2013 10:14PM

    Some days are rougher than others. On hard days I find a parkbench sit quietly and practice my breathing. (Maybe what I am saying is annoying it isnt meant to be!) I wish you all success on your weightloss journey. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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It's all what you make it.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013





This journey is all up to us. We control our destinies and the outcome. So smile through your tears and pick yourself up.......




You have the ability to change you just don't think you do. So today take a moment and and just be.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/10/2013 9:47AM

    So very true. Hang in there, you are doing this!!
emoticon

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SWEETROSIE2 5/8/2013 11:58PM

    emoticon

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WALLAHALLA 5/8/2013 10:14PM

    emoticon pics...inspiring

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FISHINGLADY66 5/8/2013 7:10PM

    emoticon

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GAILRUU 5/8/2013 1:39PM

    emoticon

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KENDRACARROLL 5/8/2013 1:06PM

    Yes, we can!!
emoticon

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SHERYLDS 5/8/2013 7:35AM

    gotta luv Dolly

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CAT609 5/8/2013 7:28AM

    Woohoo! thanks

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DARJR50 5/8/2013 6:58AM

  Thanks!!!

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ARW715 5/8/2013 6:52AM

    Like! Love the message. I am thinking about you and hope you are happy and pushing on.

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Reaching

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I"m only at the step of I can do it, but I'm getting up those steps one by one. We all begin this journey with a destination, at some point the view gets a bit foggy, but for the most part we continue forward. Yes we may take a detour on the road less traveled, we may stop and rest, or we may just make a new path. But we never quit. We are not quitters. At least so far I'm not.

Now I won't lie, I've thought about it a time or two. Oh how I've wanted to just say the heck with this and do what I wanted. I mean what is the use right, the numbers aren't changing and I'm not liking myself at this stage. Well where would I be if I quit? Nowhere. Surely not here with you all and surely not proud of each step I do take in the right direction. So I continue on.




Only when life is difficult, are we challenged to become our greatest selves.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

So where are you in this journey? Just beginning, in the middle, maybe on a plateau, or at the end. Wherever you may be is where you are because you worked hard and now you will work harder still to get to the next level....we all want to reach the top step and "I did it" phase.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERYLDS 5/7/2013 9:57PM

    emoticon she's back emoticon

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WALLAHALLA 5/7/2013 2:12PM

    I keep tripping and falling down the staircase, picking myself up, and starting up again. Currently, I am in a downward roll.

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KENDRACARROLL 5/7/2013 1:33PM

    I keep thinking that this journey never really ends... we reach one goal and then there will be another, and another. As long as we keep moving forward...
emoticon

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FISHINGLADY66 5/7/2013 12:16PM

    emoticon One Day at a Time.

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/7/2013 9:32AM

    And we are going to get there and do a happy dance and maybe even shout a few times when we get to the top!!


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DARJR50 5/7/2013 7:52AM

  thanks

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CAKAROO 5/7/2013 7:31AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Weekly weigh-in

Sunday, May 05, 2013

Yup that is what my goals are. Pretty simple really. But with that comes the real journey. Getting into those super clothes takes hard work and much dedication to YOU. This week I rocked the scales. I lost 2.6 pounds and I'm more than ready to take on this coming week. Why? Because I've stayed the same for so long now that to finally have those scales move and change is making it easier for me to get back on the "calorie bus" and move somemore. I'm ready for the next stop on the ride.

A friend made a suggestion on a team post...work at it ten pounds at a time. Well since I have twenty-five total to lose i'm going to work at this five pounds at a time. So i'm ready to take off the next half of that and then head for new territory.

So in closing I'm taking the long way home. Because I want to arrive in a great outfit and toned body and that is going to take a bit of work. lol.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEETROSIE2 5/9/2013 12:00AM

    What a great weight loss you are doing so well good on you. Love your blog.

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KENDRACARROLL 5/5/2013 10:00PM

    Great job! Congratulations!

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WALLAHALLA 5/5/2013 5:52PM

    emoticon because you are an emoticon lady!

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FISHINGLADY66 5/5/2013 10:37AM

    Your motivation is rising. emoticon Congratulations. Don't you feel better now. emoticon Never give up or give in. Keep riding that bus.

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/5/2013 10:16AM

    Awesome!! Sounds like a fantastic plan Michelle!
And congratulations on the love from the scale today! :)

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ARW715 5/5/2013 7:41AM

    Congratulations! Way to go! I want to be on the calorie bus!

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RIDLEYRIDER 5/5/2013 7:23AM

  5 at a time is wonderful goal! Congrats, and keep up the great work! emoticon

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Sometimes we share our space

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Yesterday I wrote a blog about a moment in my day that was let's just say...not my best. Little Debbies came into play and then the comments were what where they doing in my house? and I have control over my shopping cart. Well guys life is like this in this house....there are two of us. My hubby loves little Debbies and he isn't overweight...so do I make him give up his snack because I "sneak" into the pantry on occasion? NO loud and clear NO. this is a journey about me, not him. I have to learn to do what is right for me and so far that is following a plan. Sometimes that plan includes roadblocks in the form of Little Debbies snack cakes.

Now I'm not saying my eating it was the right thing to do. but truth is I sneak....I won't eat like that in front of my hubby because I'm trying to lose the weight and I don't want him to see me as not strong. because I have a illness called addiction. So like most addicts I do it in the secret of the night. Sometimes when i'm alone during the day. If the monster rears his head i'm going to have whatever it is that doesn't work. or should I say whatever it is that works at the moment.

So to end this blog here is the thing......Don't judge by what is or isn't in somebodies shopping cart because we share our spaces and sometimes we need to pull up our big girl panties and just say "No thank you I don't eat that anymore". But the reality is that isn't going to happen when i'm in the midst of a PMS power struggle so I ate it and i'm moving forward.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 5/4/2013 4:08PM

    emoticon emoticon

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WALLAHALLA 5/3/2013 7:05PM

    Due to stress at work this week I have been cleaning the goodies off the work table like a vulture on road kill. Unbelievable how much garbage I have consumed. Next week is a new beginning, hopefully a better one. I know better, but, it is what it is.

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/2/2013 9:13PM

    Good for you, Michelle. You wrote honestly about your relationship with food and yes, for some of us, we can't always keep a perfectly "clean" pantry! I don't buy junk food often because I know I will eat it, but I can't deny my daughter an occasional treat either. So if I buy something for her and then I sneak in and eat in when she isn't home -- that's MY fault. That's MY lack of self control and that is something I need to work on for myself.
One day at a time, hon, you are doing great!!!
Hugs,
Kristi

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GWTRIKER 5/2/2013 9:10PM

    Very nice blog. Unfortunately a lot of judgmental people like to voice their opinions. Everyone slips from time to time. Try to keep looking forward to your goals and you will achieve them.

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FISHINGLADY66 5/2/2013 3:01PM

    And that's the way it should be Michelle. No one should criticize someone until they walk a mile in their shoes. We are not all perfect like some people. ha ha . Fall down... get back up.... and keep going. You are on a journey for you and you alone. You go girl. emoticon emoticon emoticon Cheers to you dear friend. ((Hugs)) I believe in you.

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KENDRACARROLL 5/2/2013 10:35AM

    Good for you, Michelle! Oh, and one Little Debbie won't make you fat, btw :)
I eat junk often (too often actually). Just depends on what you balance it with.
Sounds like it would be great step forward if you could work towards owning what you're eating and towards getting out of the cupboard/pantry. Who are you fooling anyway? I know that's a big step, but ultimately it will set you free.
emoticon emoticon

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