Friday, May 10, 2013
As I sit down to type this blog i'm saddened by my progress on this journey, my lack of energy, my total disregard for the me that I so dream of being. But lets be honest here it is only a dream until I get up off my A#$ and do something about it. I have honestly had a crappy week. I've eaten ok for the most part but i'm so stressed from work that I have hives. Yup itching and living on zyrtec isn't the way to be. It isn't just work it is all of this in general. I worry constantly over what i'm eating, i'm eating too much, or maybe I should choose something else, exercising but am I exercising enough, the scales aren't moving but my clothes fit a bit better. I get ready to go out somewhere and the clothes on the floor of the bath tell the true story of me and how i'm hating myself. nothing fits, if it fits it looks awful. So what do I do.....I eat more, I cry, I get myself worked up. I hate this feeling. I'm so ready to throw away my books, close my accounts, and just live with myself the way i'm at. But in truth is that what I really want? No never, I ate the me I've become. I can't stand to look in ;the mirror because the woman looking back at me isn't the me in my mind. So where is the me in my mind? She is on a break and not coming back for a while. I'm taking to pretending i'm so happy and really i'm hating myself and those around me that are showing progress because they figured it out and i'm still wallowing in my self pity.
I don't want to hear anyone say it will get better, or your doing fine, or anything. That is just not what I want to hear at this time. What I want is for me, Michelle, to get off my butt and get this job done. what I want is to step on the scales at the end of the week and see some movement, what I want is to go to work and get through a day with no crap and to not have to fix all the problems in the Pharmacy. I actually threw my badge and walked out this week. I'd had enough. I came back with much coaxing from my boss. I know childish now that I've thought it out. and i'm so happy that she talked me out of making a big mistake, but would it have been? I don't know but I know that living with this stress is going to kill me. I know I need to enjoy this week off I have and I know I need to get happy with me or no one is ever going to be happy with the me that i'm becoming.
then to top it off i'm in the beginning stages of menopause. Now that is probably the biggest trigger to all this i'm feeling. I know it will cause my weight to slow, but hell enough is enough. I'm going to the doctors this week and i'm going to get something for the anxiety, and talk to her about this weight and hormones. Who knows maybe a pill is the way to go. I just don't know anymore and right now i'm just ready to breathe through the tears and smile when it is over.
Ok I know I've vented wayyy more than anyone needed. But damn i'm tired of feeling like this about myself and then coming on here each day and not really putting any effort into this site because to be honest i'm lying not only to myself ;but to all of you. I mean most reach goals here, most find the new them here, all I've found is the same old me and when I say that I mean it. My weight is the same. dang that sucks.
My only shining light is the friends I've made here. You all give me the want power to keep coming back. I don't want to miss a moment of your journeys even when mine is such a joke right now. So never think otherwise. I just right now really don't want to hear any negative comments. And if you've never felt like this be glad. Because we overcome so much in our lives and then to not be able to overcome this is just devastating for all involved. so thanks for your time, your friendship, your inspirations and for never giving on me even when I've given up on myself.
I'm going to close for now as i'm just so tired. life will go on but in truth I want so much for a brighter path to shine for me. But I need to find the light and so far it isn't happening with my mind in such a mess.