Sunday, March 24, 2013
We are all here for the same thing CHANGE. I personally have overcome a lot in my life and i'm stronger for it. But while I would love to think that overcoming weight issues would be again easy i'm so very off the mark. All the turmoil in my life was nothing compared to ;this.
I put a few of my much hidden secrets out there on a message board and guess what? Nobody disowned me. Yup i'm a statistic. I've been molested as a child, abused by way of "punishment", married a alcoholic, had a child at the tender age of 19 and yup divorced by the time my second child was a little over two, single mom, remarriage, you get the pic. I'm a statistic from way back. Now i'm here trying to lose this baggage I call a sheild. Because lets be honest that is what it is. If you dig deep enough in your own background you will find what is troubling you.
I reached my goal and then I gained it all back. Why you may wonder, because I think the answer lies in people started to notice me and I was standing out. I had tried for so long to be in the background that when I was finally in the forefront OMG. Not a good feeling because they would notice that I wasn't perfect. I was a statistic. But guess what? So what. I am who I am because of being that statistic. So now I want to be the me I have always wanted to be. The outgoing me, the me that doesn't have to be ashamed anymore. I am who I am and for whatever reasons my path was already set. So now it is time to finish this. No more sitting on the side lines wanting and wishing for what I fear I will never have. I have me and that is all I need at this time. MYSElF and with the help of a few wonderful FRIENDS i'm going to be a success not only in my weightloss but also in my future.
So Im not done with my journey by a long shot. I may come and blog about the sorrow, the anger, the troubles along the way but I will do it for me. To clear my head and know that this is a new day full of such promise. I will try to learn to go to bed happy that I made the choises I did and there is no sense in getting upset with the ones I chose wrong. I had choices and they were my choices. Not someone elses.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Oh my is right. Wow I sure don't want to see what those pesky scales have to say this week. I"ve stayed pretty much the same for two weeks and now this week I see a break through but believe me it isn't in the way I would like to see them move... nope more like Yup poor poor me.
ok I think I know who I want to be....the best me I can be. But I don't seem to be proving that to myself or anyone right now. I have fallen and can't seem to get back up. I mean it isn't like it is a day off or a weekend of not planning. Nope this is like two years of " I will do this" and then more " darn i'm failing myself yet again".
I've often thought about giving up and just walking away and trying to just be happy with who I am at this moment. The problem with that is that in reality I hate the person I am right this moment. I'm ashamed that I have gained all the weight I lost back, i'm tired to the point of why bother it isn't going to change anything. I do what I should for a week, sometimes two and then I step on the scales and nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Either i'm the same or im up yet again. I mean since January i've been "back on track"...I'm exactly one pound less today than I was on January 1st. Now that isnt because I worked at it. Nope that is because I didn't believe enough in myself to even hardly begin. I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and had to "borrow" a few things from my mom so I had something to wear...I was at her house in Florida and what I packed didn't fit. Meaning that anything I had of packed wouldn't of fit. that is the place i'm at. My weekend wear is sweats, my work wear is clothes that fit but they are navy blue and Khaki, the colors of Walmart. So you see there I have to shop for what will fit as I have to have something to wear to the Pharmacy each day...they frown on nudity.....but I digress. It isn't funny. It is sad. I"m sad, mad, upset, ashamed, and mostly envious of all that have or are succeeding at this point. Why? When i'm the reason for the setbacks should I be jealous of anyone? Because I was there. I was the one with the "I lost again this week" posts. I was the one that ate what was good for me and I even found a few things I really liked that I would of never eaten before. I have exercised and I love that part. Probably a good thing or I would way over what I am right now. So as I close tonight, i'm still trying find my way. I won't end this blog because to be honest it doesn't end here. This is the beginning. I have so much baggage inside me right now that I feel like I need to blog it out one day at a time. I may not find a miracle but maybe after i've put it out there I will find a way to heal.
I so want to be the me I know I can be. I'm strong, i'm capable, i'm a doer, and it is time to start doing something that will do me good instead of the things that I have done to myself to hurt me.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
There comes a point at which you ask yourself is this really worth all the effort I have to put into getting healthy???? The answer is always a resounding YES!!! If you don't take care of your body it won't take care of you. That may seem like a cliche or quote you've heard a million times before but it is very true. Diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, all can be controled with a bit of effort. These three diseases alone are the cause of many deaths in the U.S. and can be prevented with just a bit of work.
So now that i've given my health speech the reason isn't for you. It is for me. I have to remind myself quite a bit that this is for me. I'm doing this for my health and the other part, the vain part isn't even in the running. So when I get up and get my morning exercise no matter if it is ten minutes or thirty minutes before work i'm doing this because A. it is a habit, and B. it is for my health. So when I step on the scales and they may not always say what I want them to it isn't that I didn't give it a lot of thought, it is that on that day, at that moment, my body for whatever reason has decided that it needs to hold on to that last little bit for some reason. So I have to shake my head and hold it high as I step away and begin anew yet again. This isn't a one week thing, this is forever. So getting upset today isn't going to fix the problem in the long run.
This week has been awesome. I've met my exercise minutes, i've eaten on plan, i've enjoyed a walk at lunch to the shoe store by work and gotten a new pair of cool shoes, i've gotten new makeup and thrown out the old, i'm moving more and worrying less. So tomorrow when I see those scales, no matter what they say I know in my heart I did fine. Could I have done better??? No doubt about it but you know what i'm not here to win a race or lose this weight and be done with it....I know this isn't going to happen so why lie to myself....i'm here to get healthy. It is the demons of my family history i'm trying to change.
So I smile through the tears and I begin each day anew. How it ends is all up to ME.
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
I borrowed this from a friend on her blog. I just spoke to me today. She also had written this :
"It's natural to look around and see how other people are doing.
Sometimes it makes you feel inadequate,
Sometimes it makes you feel more successful, "
The reason this spoke to me is because i've been struggling yet again. I know I jsut can't wrap my mind around this lately. But it has gotten to where i'm not eating the garbage so much as just eating wayyyyy too much of the good stuff. Can that be possible you may ask??? YES. I saw a motitivation on spark: I hear this all the time, from friends, emplyees where I work, family, myself even because i've heard it so much. But in reality I have got a bit to go and NO i'm not there yet. I've been so very close and then ended back up here. So my blot is entitled HOW??? because how and when did getting so out of shape become ok. At what point did I wake up and decide I liked hating myself, not fitting into my clothes, not being comfortable in my own skin. Because that is what happened. I became the same person I was some five years ago when I began spark. Yup, I lost it and I thought I had it made. Oh I was cute in my workout gear....now I wear those darn big t-shirts and sweats again...I was cute in my new clothes for work....not I can't even button those cute clothes and they are in the goodwill bin....I knew what was ok, how much to have, I could eye a 3 oz piece of meat in a second. Now....yup you guessed it I eat the whole thing and then I have more. Now i'm not saying i'm by any means a little piggy but I have seen days I can out eat my hubby. What happened to the woman who was finally coming into her own? Where is she now, I need to speak to her, I need to become her friend again. I miss her so.
I know where she went....people started noticing me again, I wasn't in the corner any longer I was out in the open, the more people noticed my loss or how "good" I looked the more I ate, the less I moved. It was fine when it was just me. Yeah i'm the kid of childhood abuse, the father that left the family to raise another one that wasn't his, the mom that had to struggle to make ends meet because I had married a dead beat, alcoholic husband. Yeah I was a statistic. Hell i'm still the statistic....I have a wonderful hubby of 17 years but he sees not problem in me so I should just be happy with that...right??? wrong. Anyhow people who have lived and grown up with insecurities, know just where i'm coming from here. I think this menopause thing is bringing it all back to the forfront once again. Oh not the troubles, i'm over that part, or so I thought, I just want to have the confidence some women have in themselves no matter their size. I don't. It is like if i'm not perfect then I'm failing in some way. So why bother with the work, i'm going to fail anyhow because hell that is what always happens. Right???
This is my time to become the new me. The sky is the limit. Will it be easy? nope, but I have spark and I have this darn blog and I can put it outthere and work my way through whatever is not working for me. So I'm not going to end this with a nice little word of it's fine, i'm fine, I got this. because right now I don't have anything but a lot of guilt over why i'm back at the beginning. So I have to deal with that first and move forward. So You can follow me on my journey and see what is what or I can do this alone, but you know what???? HOW???? One step at a time, one pound at a time that is how.
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