MALEXANDER4   174,194
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Time to change

Sunday, March 24, 2013

We are all here for the same thing CHANGE. I personally have overcome a lot in my life and i'm stronger for it. But while I would love to think that overcoming weight issues would be again easy i'm so very off the mark. All the turmoil in my life was nothing compared to ;this.

I put a few of my much hidden secrets out there on a message board and guess what? Nobody disowned me. Yup i'm a statistic. I've been molested as a child, abused by way of "punishment", married a alcoholic, had a child at the tender age of 19 and yup divorced by the time my second child was a little over two, single mom, remarriage, you get the pic. I'm a statistic from way back. Now i'm here trying to lose this baggage I call a sheild. Because lets be honest that is what it is. If you dig deep enough in your own background you will find what is troubling you.

I reached my goal and then I gained it all back. Why you may wonder, because I think the answer lies in people started to notice me and I was standing out. I had tried for so long to be in the background that when I was finally in the forefront OMG. Not a good feeling because they would notice that I wasn't perfect. I was a statistic. But guess what? So what. I am who I am because of being that statistic. So now I want to be the me I have always wanted to be. The outgoing me, the me that doesn't have to be ashamed anymore. I am who I am and for whatever reasons my path was already set. So now it is time to finish this. No more sitting on the side lines wanting and wishing for what I fear I will never have. I have me and that is all I need at this time. MYSElF and with the help of a few wonderful FRIENDS i'm going to be a success not only in my weightloss but also in my future.

So Im not done with my journey by a long shot. I may come and blog about the sorrow, the anger, the troubles along the way but I will do it for me. To clear my head and know that this is a new day full of such promise. I will try to learn to go to bed happy that I made the choises I did and there is no sense in getting upset with the ones I chose wrong. I had choices and they were my choices. Not someone elses.

Michelle. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERESA6262 3/26/2013 8:10AM

    As always, your blogs say a LOT! You CAN and you WILL make it happen.
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WALLAHALLA 3/24/2013 11:15PM

    Never give up, cause you are worth every good thing this world has to offer, and so much more.

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FISHINGLADY66 3/24/2013 9:23PM

    Great Blog Michelle. As we always say "Take it One Day at a Time". You are a much stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You can change your thinking and you do have a Choice and Chance to Change. You are loved by your Spark Friends. I hope I am on your friends list also. God Bless you. ((Hugs)). Irene

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SLIMPAM23 3/24/2013 4:33PM

    You are such a brave person. And I know it must be scary to have people "notice" you when you have spent so much time and effort to blend into the background. I am proud of you for continuing to strive to do better. And I I know that you are proud of yourself for refusing to give up or give in. You are an inspiration to others - even if you don't want to be!!!! We can't help but want keep trying like you keep trying. And we can't help but keep cheering for you as well!!
You are awesome my cyber friend---don't EVER forget that!
Pam

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SHERYLDS 3/24/2013 10:41AM

    emoticon I hope to be on the FRIENDS list emoticon

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EVIE4NOW 3/24/2013 9:09AM

  You are who you are. Hold your head up high because guess what? Nobody is perfect and nobody has the right to judge anyone. The past is the past and can't be undone or relived. Can only live in the present and plan for the future. emoticon

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 3/24/2013 9:02AM

    emoticon emoticon I am so very, very proud of you. Moving FORWARD from this day on.
Hugs,
Joan

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Oh my

Friday, March 22, 2013

Oh my is right. Wow I sure don't want to see what those pesky scales have to say this week. I"ve stayed pretty much the same for two weeks and now this week I see a break through but believe me it isn't in the way I would like to see them move... emoticon nope more like emoticon Yup poor poor me.

ok I think I know who I want to be....the best me I can be. But I don't seem to be proving that to myself or anyone right now. I have fallen and can't seem to get back up. I mean it isn't like it is a day off or a weekend of not planning. Nope this is like two years of " I will do this" and then more " darn i'm failing myself yet again".

I've often thought about giving up and just walking away and trying to just be happy with who I am at this moment. The problem with that is that in reality I hate the person I am right this moment. I'm ashamed that I have gained all the weight I lost back, i'm tired to the point of why bother it isn't going to change anything. I do what I should for a week, sometimes two and then I step on the scales and nothing. Nada, zip, zilch. Either i'm the same or im up yet again. I mean since January i've been "back on track"...I'm exactly one pound less today than I was on January 1st. Now that isnt because I worked at it. Nope that is because I didn't believe enough in myself to even hardly begin. I went on vacation a couple of weeks ago and had to "borrow" a few things from my mom so I had something to wear...I was at her house in Florida and what I packed didn't fit. Meaning that anything I had of packed wouldn't of fit. that is the place i'm at. My weekend wear is sweats, my work wear is clothes that fit but they are navy blue and Khaki, the colors of Walmart. So you see there I have to shop for what will fit as I have to have something to wear to the Pharmacy each day...they frown on nudity.....but I digress. It isn't funny. It is sad. I"m sad, mad, upset, ashamed, and mostly envious of all that have or are succeeding at this point. Why? When i'm the reason for the setbacks should I be jealous of anyone? Because I was there. I was the one with the "I lost again this week" posts. I was the one that ate what was good for me and I even found a few things I really liked that I would of never eaten before. I have exercised and I love that part. Probably a good thing or I would way over what I am right now. So as I close tonight, i'm still trying find my way. I won't end this blog because to be honest it doesn't end here. This is the beginning. I have so much baggage inside me right now that I feel like I need to blog it out one day at a time. I may not find a miracle but maybe after i've put it out there I will find a way to heal.

I so want to be the me I know I can be. I'm strong, i'm capable, i'm a doer, and it is time to start doing something that will do me good instead of the things that I have done to myself to hurt me.

Michelle. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EVERGREEN0587 3/23/2013 8:58PM

    "A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence."

I agree with UMBILICAL, Don't let the scale own you. It's just a number it can't dictate who you are or who your going to be.

Let go of all those things that upset you, forget them, there in the past and no longer matter. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow the sun will rise and life will go on.

You are STRONG! You CAN do this! Dig deep inside yourself and refuse to waver!

emoticon Cristina


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MIDROAD 3/23/2013 11:22AM

    emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/24/2013 12:27:29 PM

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SUGARSMOM2 3/23/2013 9:58AM

  sure its hard but anything worth doing is not easy . if it where easy it would not be the goal you want in your life . do not give up . YOu are worth so much . keep your chin up and stand the ground . it will be worth it in the end . be strong .

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 3/23/2013 3:46AM

    Michelle, I like what Fishlady66 had to say. Come back each day and read what you have written. I so know how you feel because I'm right there with you. But...I cannot afford to give up on myself, and neither can you. I want to tell you emoticon but unless we emoticon and pushing ourselves, then no we won't do it. There is a lot of people here for you and I know you know I top that list.
Hugs,
Joan

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WALLAHALLA 3/23/2013 12:31AM

    Hang in there...you CAN do this!

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FISHINGLADY66 3/22/2013 10:50PM

    Come back and read you blog every day and stay committed. emoticon Don't ever just give up. Take it One Day at a Time. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AM217PERRY 3/22/2013 10:25PM

    Resin your focus one day at a time. emoticon

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UMBILICAL 3/22/2013 10:03PM

  Don't let the scales own you.

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TERESA6262 3/22/2013 10:00PM

    emoticon
You'll get there, Michelle!

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MYBULLDOGS 3/22/2013 9:59PM

    emoticon


i have not gained a pound in over a year.

i gave up sugar and grain products and lost 44 pounds at age 61.

my sister lost 105 pounds at age 63 by walking 15000 steps a day and has not gained a pound back either in over a year

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Do it for your HEALTH

Saturday, March 16, 2013



There comes a point at which you ask yourself is this really worth all the effort I have to put into getting healthy???? The answer is always a resounding YES!!! If you don't take care of your body it won't take care of you. That may seem like a cliche or quote you've heard a million times before but it is very true. Diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, all can be controled with a bit of effort. These three diseases alone are the cause of many deaths in the U.S. and can be prevented with just a bit of work.

So now that i've given my health speech the reason isn't for you. It is for me. I have to remind myself quite a bit that this is for me. I'm doing this for my health and the other part, the vain part isn't even in the running. So when I get up and get my morning exercise no matter if it is ten minutes or thirty minutes before work i'm doing this because A. it is a habit, and B. it is for my health. So when I step on the scales and they may not always say what I want them to it isn't that I didn't give it a lot of thought, it is that on that day, at that moment, my body for whatever reason has decided that it needs to hold on to that last little bit for some reason. So I have to shake my head and hold it high as I step away and begin anew yet again. This isn't a one week thing, this is forever. So getting upset today isn't going to fix the problem in the long run.

This week has been awesome. I've met my exercise minutes, i've eaten on plan, i've enjoyed a walk at lunch to the shoe store by work and gotten a new pair of cool shoes, i've gotten new makeup and thrown out the old, i'm moving more and worrying less. So tomorrow when I see those scales, no matter what they say I know in my heart I did fine. Could I have done better??? No doubt about it but you know what i'm not here to win a race or lose this weight and be done with it....I know this isn't going to happen so why lie to myself....i'm here to get healthy. It is the demons of my family history i'm trying to change.

So I smile through the tears and I begin each day anew. How it ends is all up to ME.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 3/20/2013 9:41PM

    Good, positive attitude! emoticon -- Lou

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WALLAHALLA 3/17/2013 1:11AM

    You are entirely emoticon Yet another emoticon blog!

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FISHINGLADY66 3/16/2013 7:36PM

    You are so right Michelle. emoticon for your emoticon

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TERESA6262 3/16/2013 5:34PM

    As usual, you are SPOT ON! I just said to my niece this morning.... it's about health as well as looks. I'm not denying i want to look better... but one's heart must be strong, and one must have toned muscles, strong lungs and endurance TOO! Those are benefits for RIGHT now, not just for later "when you're old." Thanks for posting this. I'm probably 75% motivated by "looking good" (just being honest) and 25% motivated by health benefits. I'm heading out for my evening bike ride and am hoping to get some weight off, improve my plantar faciitis and get back to walking, too!
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KENDRACARROLL 3/16/2013 4:13PM

    Glad you had a good week of building good habits. These good days are never lost as they build on each other. Keep up the good work my friend.

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MIDROAD 3/16/2013 10:55AM

    With your attitude and your effort you WILL succeed ! Congratulations on such a good week!

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CAKAROO 3/16/2013 10:09AM

    emoticon

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SHERYLDS 3/16/2013 9:53AM

    AMEN....

Great Blog Michelle. and so true

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Back to work...Vacation is over.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Well my vacation is over today. I was up on the scales a bit but not too much. Because I will be honest it wasn't all vacation. You have to put in something to get something out. So on that note I have to tell ya my time away was emoticon . I haven't laughed that much in a long time. I really enjoy time spent with my parents and my daughter. A laugh a minute they are. My mothers friend was also there from Vermont and she was wonderful. She fixed all the meals. I mean she didn't want us in the kitchen and who are we to say no....so I ate what she made and it was wonderful. I learned a few new things, gained some knowledge along with the weight....and now i'm home and ready to clean up my act. Yup today was wonderful all my emoticon and I even got some time on the emoticon . So as I get ready to settle down for the night I have to say i'm blessed today and everyday just for having a wonderful family and for time I was able to spend with them.

Never give up on your dreams, for that is the time and place that things will change.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 3/13/2013 7:20PM

    Being in the midst of happy people sounds like a delightful way to spend time and not having to cook had to be an added bonus. emoticon -- Lou

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SWIMLOVER 3/12/2013 11:31PM

  emoticon

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FISHINGLADY66 3/11/2013 10:25PM

    I'm so glad you enjoyed your vacation with your family.

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MIDROAD 3/11/2013 10:07AM

    There's nothing like a great vacation! So glad it included great food and lots of laughte!

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KENDRACARROLL 3/11/2013 12:45AM

    I'm glad you had a wonderful time with family :)

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WALLAHALLA 3/10/2013 11:23PM

    happy you had such a lovely time

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TERESA6262 3/10/2013 10:22PM

    Vacations are never long enough! Good luck getting back in the groove.

I have two weeks of work before spring break......then I get a Friday plus all of the following week before Easter off. 6 work days/ 10 calendar days off in a row! YAY!

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 3/10/2013 9:11PM

    I'm so glad you had a great time on vacation. Now for moving onwards!!
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STUDLEEJOE 3/10/2013 8:57PM

    emoticon

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LYNMEINDERS 3/10/2013 8:46PM

    Awesome...so glad you enjoyed your vacation....it great when we can say that

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How????

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

I borrowed this from a friend on her blog. I just spoke to me today. She also had written this :

"It's natural to look around and see how other people are doing.
Sometimes it makes you feel inadequate,
Sometimes it makes you feel more successful, "

The reason this spoke to me is because i've been struggling yet again. I know I jsut can't wrap my mind around this lately. But it has gotten to where i'm not eating the garbage so much as just eating wayyyyy too much of the good stuff. Can that be possible you may ask??? YES. I saw a motitivation on spark: I hear this all the time, from friends, emplyees where I work, family, myself even because i've heard it so much. But in reality I have got a bit to go and NO i'm not there yet. I've been so very close and then ended back up here. So my blot is entitled HOW??? because how and when did getting so out of shape become ok. At what point did I wake up and decide I liked hating myself, not fitting into my clothes, not being comfortable in my own skin. Because that is what happened. I became the same person I was some five years ago when I began spark. Yup, I lost it and I thought I had it made. Oh I was cute in my workout gear....now I wear those darn big t-shirts and sweats again...I was cute in my new clothes for work....not I can't even button those cute clothes and they are in the goodwill bin....I knew what was ok, how much to have, I could eye a 3 oz piece of meat in a second. Now....yup you guessed it I eat the whole thing and then I have more. Now i'm not saying i'm by any means a little piggy but I have seen days I can out eat my hubby. What happened to the woman who was finally coming into her own? Where is she now, I need to speak to her, I need to become her friend again. I miss her so.

I know where she went....people started noticing me again, I wasn't in the corner any longer I was out in the open, the more people noticed my loss or how "good" I looked the more I ate, the less I moved. It was fine when it was just me. Yeah i'm the kid of childhood abuse, the father that left the family to raise another one that wasn't his, the mom that had to struggle to make ends meet because I had married a dead beat, alcoholic husband. Yeah I was a statistic. Hell i'm still the statistic....I have a wonderful hubby of 17 years but he sees not problem in me so I should just be happy with that...right??? wrong. Anyhow people who have lived and grown up with insecurities, know just where i'm coming from here. I think this menopause thing is bringing it all back to the forfront once again. Oh not the troubles, i'm over that part, or so I thought, I just want to have the confidence some women have in themselves no matter their size. I don't. It is like if i'm not perfect then I'm failing in some way. So why bother with the work, i'm going to fail anyhow because hell that is what always happens. Right???

Wrong again.

This is my time to become the new me. The sky is the limit. Will it be easy? nope, but I have spark and I have this darn blog and I can put it outthere and work my way through whatever is not working for me. So I'm not going to end this with a nice little word of it's fine, i'm fine, I got this. because right now I don't have anything but a lot of guilt over why i'm back at the beginning. So I have to deal with that first and move forward. So You can follow me on my journey and see what is what or I can do this alone, but you know what???? HOW???? One step at a time, one pound at a time that is how.

MIchelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 3/10/2013 1:03AM

    My dear, sweet friend, you have not failed! Failure is a dirty word. You've survived the hard times, you've raised children, you've lost the past and gained a wonderful husband and have grandchildren to enjoy. Failure?? You?? No way!! There is no such thing as perfection, and if there was, it would bore us to pieces. Each day you get up and work on being the best you can be is a day that you succeed.
I know what you are talking about when you start to get noticed. That's what happend to me a year ago and I got right back where I was. I felt so vulnerable, so open to scrutiny. Even though people were complimenting me, I wanted them to STOP -- I didn't want to be looked at so closely. That is just something we need to work on. Why do we not feel worthy of the compliments of others? Why do we feel uncomfortable in our own skin? Why can't we be the confident women we want to be? We can. It is just going to take some work and some believing in ourselves. We've got this.
I'm still cheering for you just as loudly as I can.

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KENDRACARROLL 3/6/2013 11:43AM

    You can do this, my SparkFriend :)
My life seemed to fall into place after I discovered my passion for hiking. (Well, my SparkLife anyway :)). Still struggling with real life quite a bit at times.
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FISHINGLADY66 3/6/2013 10:32AM

    Wishing you the emoticon of courage to stay motivated. You can do it, by taking it One Day at a Time, and One step at a time. When you get discouraged, come back here and re-read your blog. ((Hugs)) Irene

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WALLAHALLA 3/5/2013 11:05PM

    great blog

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TERESA6262 3/5/2013 8:05PM

    Michelle, your openness and honesty, and willingness to be vulnerable has always been one of the reasons I like you. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm starting over, too. I gained back 45 of the 46 lbs I lost 3 years ago. You have a lot of truth ringing in your blogs. I guess we each have to find our own way (with the help pf SPARK and friends). I having been reflecting on whether I feed and calm my hurts and emotions with food, instead "dealing" at the foot of the cross. I don't drink, don't smoke, don't cuss, don't do drugs but I SURE CAN EAT! :D Food is my diversion of choice! Thanks again for posting. Enjoy your vacation in Florida! Wave hello if you pass through Chiefland!
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