Saturday, November 12, 2011
Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw
Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it,
Begin it now.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Funny this week I was on vacation and I had that aha moment. I can't pinpoint when it happened it just came to me like in a dream. I was sitting there and I thought to myself "when had I allowed food to become my best friend?" That is exactly what I had done. I had allowed food to rule my waking moments. Fill my head and my heart. My only desire had become when I was going to eat and what. I mean I was suppose to be working on me and suddenly I was working on eating and what I could get. Oh I can have that it won't show. Oh i've had days like this before and still lost. The only difference was I was having days like that everyday and not just once a week.
I would sit here on my days off, weekends were the worst, and I would eat my way through them. Oh I would get a few things done but the rest of the time was spent with food in my mouth. Why? It was my comfort. Instead of getting up and finding something to do to help me I just went to the pantry and found something else. The thing is what I was eating was eating me. It wasn't helping it was hurting. My choices were not the best. I would choose chips over fruit, I mean if I'm so hungry I can eat chips why can't I eat the fruit.....I really wan't hungry. Mostly I just wanted the comfort I could find in that bag, box, or bar.
As this thought hit me I decided I wanted change. I had been saying I wanted it but I was so attached to the mindless eating that I couldn't allow that to change. The scales just went up and up. For six months now i've steadily gained ten pounds back. It isn't a pretty thing to say...I gained back a lot of my weight I had lost. I mean I had lost twenty-two pounds and half of that is back. I have to tell ya it makes me feel like a failure.
But here is where the "aha moment" comes in......I"m not a failure. I'm just in need of something more. I don't want to be the sit at home person. Oh I thought I was but when I was on vacation I so enjoyed going and going. I lost 1.6 pounds this week and that is on vacation. Did I eat out? yup. But I made better choices and I limited my snacking. One day I thought food hadn't taken over my mind in days. It was like a rebirth. The peanuts didn't call my name in fact I really don't want them now, The chips, nope, the candy, not what I want. I have been back to making better choices and that feels good. I'm in control of me right now. I can't say what tomorrow will bring but i'm ready for today.
And so it begins: my Journey back to me.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Let every day be the first day
of the rest of your life,
but especially let today be a new beginning.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Funny I began this week so full of energy and renewed determination. But like most weeks it ended on a gain. Why? Well me of course. I can't and I won't blame this on any one thing or any one choice. It was bad choices all week long. It was like one day just ran into the next. Oh I gave it the ole college try in the morning but by lunch I had added, or over eaten and that continued on to bed. I told myself I was hungry but the truth is I was stressed and just lazy. I made choices that were better left in the freezer, cabinet, or on the grocery shelves all together. So what if anything have a learned from this? I don't like where i'm at and the only way to change is for me to make the right choices regarding myself and my plan. So again today I begen with renew energy. Yeah how is this any different from the other weeks? Let me count the ways........first off this isn't a few pounds any longer. The pile of clothes that don't fit is adding up and it isn't the big ones this time, My self esteem is about nill right now. I don't like the me in the mirror, I've found that i'm not moving like I once did, chooseing to read at lunch than walk. And the final straw......I really don't like the me i've become. I hate lazy, and i'm the picture of it right now. So there the truth is out, and i'm free to begin fresh today.
I need to hold me accountable. I've said that before but that was before the clothes that I once was so proud to wear are now sitting on a shelf waiting on me. That is a big downer if you don't already know my pain. Kinda like failure spelled out in big letters on the wall. So since i've never gave up on anything I'm not about to now. I will begin fresh again today. I have a doctors appointment week after next and I will have the blood work and see what is what. BUt in the end it is going to come down to me putting in the work.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
When you get into a tight place
and everything goes against you,
till it seems you cannot hold on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just
the place and time the tide will turn.
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Obstacles are those frightful things you see
when you take your eyes off your goals.
- Henry Ford
Circumstances don't defeat you -
you defeat yourself when you give up.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday you all helped me more than you can know. Thank you all. Today I told my husband I needed his support. He wanted to know why. I told him I had regained 10 pounds and he told me he didn't notice. He loved me just the way I was. I told him I didn't love me the way I am. Now this is my delemma. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, Now is the time to do just that. WAKE UP and get moving. I will not give in or up, I will not cry is my wheaties over poor poor me. I have the strength and the want power to see this through.
Some see my weight tracker and have said " oh you only have 10 pounds to lose, don't beat yourself up", what you don't see is the old tracker. I began is journey at 154 pounds and that was down from 175. I'm 5' 1" and I should weigh a lot less. what you don't see is that i've regained 9 pounds. Yes I was almost to my goal. So never ever look at the face value of anything. We never know the struggles that people have gone through or what they are going through. My struggles are no less because I have less to lose. They are your struggles. I still fall down, and drag myself back up most days. But the thing is I drag me up.
Last night I asked myself what it was I wanted. why was I doing this, tracking, weighing and such if I was just going to keep eating my way through the day? I just cried. Crying isn't going to stop me from eating. I know i've got people here saying to just relax, take it slow, go off for a while and then restart. I can't do that. Oh I can take this slow, I do. BUt Going off isn't going to help me succeed. I read a response this morning and the lady said " I want to feel the excitement I felt when I first began" you know what that is exactly what is missing in me. The excitement for this. Somewhere along the line I lost it and i'm having a hard time finding it again.
So today I begin day one. Is the excitement there? Not really but hope is alive and I have a lot of that.
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