Saturday, October 08, 2011
"Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb
"Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never." - Winston Churchill
"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson
This morning I have to tell ya i'm wondering why do I bother? I had my usual weigh in this morning and it was down 0.2. I mean what is up with that. I just can't get my mind in the game lately. I don't mean a few weeks lately I mean months. I think i've lost almost a year somehow on this roller coaster I like to call a "lifestyle" change. I have fallen, gotten back up, restarted, replanned, moved more, less, eaten more, less, I've quit Weight Watchers, rejoined, took out favorite foods, put them back, you name it i've done it. I've weighed once a week, twice, daily. I've hidden the scales, kept them in full view. Packed away clothes, took them back out and repacked others, you get the picture. This year has not been a happy one. I have cried, kicked, yelled, fought back and just plain fallen to my knees and asked the lord what more I could do? I've seen the Doctor and the sad truth is it is me. Can't even blame it on my thyroid this time around. So roller coaster ride it is this time. I just want to get off now.
I have had good weeks this year.....not many but a few. I have had determination and then again i've just been at the bottom and really thought it would be easier to stay there. Why am I telling you this today? Because I want to see change. I figure if I put it out there, reread it a few times, it just might make some kind of sense to me. The figuring it out part and the why am I wanting to throw in the towel part that is.
I help lead a couple of great teams and sometimes I question should I be in the lead when I haven't yet figured out myself yet? Can I be a good leader with my mind in this place? The answer guys is YES. I want others to know that this lifestyle change is just that. A lifestyle. It won't fix itself overnight, it won't quit you, only you can quit it. And every day it is a struggle to find ;your place in it. Those that say it isn't are lying through their teeth. It is a daily struggle to wake up and eat that healthy breakfast when what you really want is a pastry. It is a struggle to cook after a long day at work when the drive through looks wonderful from here. It is a struggle to get up a bit early to work out before work when it would be so much easier to stay in that bed. So when you see that person that seems to have it all together, remember it is hard work to keep it there.
So am I capable of reaching my goals and helping others to reach theirs? YOU BETCHA. With each ohter we can accomplish anything and that includes getting off this darn Roller Coaster ride from hell. So spark friends please don"t let go of my hand.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
“You can have results or you can have your excuses. You cannot have both.” ~ Unknown
Ok, no more excuses, no more giving in, no more wishing. Today is the day to make changes. I have the plan, I have the foods, I have the equipment, Now to find the want power. I seem to have been searching for that for sometime now but all along it was inside of myself. I just didn't dig deep enough or maybe I just didn't want this enough. I guess after a while the work got to be too much. I mean come on what do you mean I can have anything I want and still lose. No I can't. If I do that then really i'm no better off than I have been for all those years before. No I have to be true to my journey and true to myself.
I picked up some chips yesterday. Oh I know I can have one serving....or can I? No i'm like the alcoholic...one is too many and a thousand is never enough. Yup that is me. I ate the whole bag. Now what did I learn from this? Well I learned that one big bag of kettle cooked jalapeno chips have nine servings, and in WW points that adds up to about 36 points a bag. So as you can see I bit I wrote. Now I have to say I thought about lieing. Wiping the truth under the table...but who would I have been kidding? Surely not myself. I knew what I had done. Oh I enjoyed each bite...while the guilt wasn't riding shotgun. But it hit. And I hated me at that moment for being weak. But was I weak to eat them, or weak to buy them? It all began the second I put them in my cart. I know myself, I know my addiction to chips, but It didn't stop me.
So that is it. I can't buy, eat just one, or have them near me. No more thinking i'm getting better because i'm not. I may never be. To anyone else this would seem crazy...an addiction to food, but to my spark family you all have come to find this isn't funny. It is a sad thing to allow food to have such a hold over us. I know for me it is that lack of power over myself with certain foods that really is the reason I get so upset. I'm a strong woman, I've lived through abuse, a child whom is an addict, i've lived through bankruptcy and came out ahead, but I can't seem to get past this little thing in my life....weight.
So I've decided to take myself on. It is time to face facts, come up with new answers and new ideas. It is time to stop facing the scales on Saturday mornings and holding my breath. No more fear.
Today is my Day one, and as the quote says I can have results or I can have excuses. I want results this time.
Monday, September 19, 2011
As some of you may know i've been struggling on a off for months now. Well I rejoined Weight Watchers online, i've cut back on some of my teams here at spark, am giving more time to a couple of the ones dear to my heart. I have recommited to me. I know this could be temporary as have so much of this journey been as of late, but today at this moment i'm ready for change. I have to be honest it is a struggle to go this alone. When I first began this journey I had a few friends on the ride. They got off and haven't been back since. They are back to prediet weight. I'm not. But I don't want to be either. My daughter and her hubby walk each evening now, my mother has rejoined Weight Watchers and now I have a few supporters to got this journey with again. Now don't get me wrong....spark is wonderful. But I need people here to push me as much as you all do.
You see I can say what I want on paper, or computer as the case may be, but they know me, see me, see what i'm going through. Now it is nice to have someone to walk the walk with, to make us hold ourselves accountable to. I know I should only be accountable to me but that is tough. You see I don't like me much. I'm weak in some areas and strong in others. I need someone to push the weak parts me and reenergize the strong. So today I begin a new day, filled with new hope. Oh i'm not looking for miracles, i'm not looking for large numbers to fall off my body, i'm just looking to myself to gain a bit of strength on this journey. I thought I had before when I was so close to goal, but that went by the wayside and now i'm struggling to regain lost ground.
Pam, Kristi, Joan, without you three I would never have gotten this far. You have kept me on spark and I thank you for that. Now guys lets give this journey all we have. I want to succeed and I know I can't get there from where i've been. So the new road starts now. A different path is filled with new challenges, new stepping blocks, new dangers. but it is also filled with new promise, new joys, and new goals to attain.
As my favorite song says: Its not whats waiting on the otherside...it's the climb.
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