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My Roller Coaster ride (I want to get off)

Saturday, October 08, 2011

"Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb
"Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never." - Winston Churchill
"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson

This morning I have to tell ya i'm wondering why do I bother? I had my usual weigh in this morning and it was down 0.2. I mean what is up with that. I just can't get my mind in the game lately. I don't mean a few weeks lately I mean months. I think i've lost almost a year somehow on this roller coaster I like to call a "lifestyle" change. I have fallen, gotten back up, restarted, replanned, moved more, less, eaten more, less, I've quit Weight Watchers, rejoined, took out favorite foods, put them back, you name it i've done it. I've weighed once a week, twice, daily. I've hidden the scales, kept them in full view. Packed away clothes, took them back out and repacked others, you get the picture. This year has not been a happy one. I have cried, kicked, yelled, fought back and just plain fallen to my knees and asked the lord what more I could do? I've seen the Doctor and the sad truth is it is me. Can't even blame it on my thyroid this time around. So roller coaster ride it is this time. I just want to get off now.

I have had good weeks this year.....not many but a few. I have had determination and then again i've just been at the bottom and really thought it would be easier to stay there. Why am I telling you this today? Because I want to see change. I figure if I put it out there, reread it a few times, it just might make some kind of sense to me. The figuring it out part and the why am I wanting to throw in the towel part that is.

I help lead a couple of great teams and sometimes I question should I be in the lead when I haven't yet figured out myself yet? Can I be a good leader with my mind in this place? The answer guys is YES. I want others to know that this lifestyle change is just that. A lifestyle. It won't fix itself overnight, it won't quit you, only you can quit it. And every day it is a struggle to find ;your place in it. Those that say it isn't are lying through their teeth. It is a daily struggle to wake up and eat that healthy breakfast when what you really want is a pastry. It is a struggle to cook after a long day at work when the drive through looks wonderful from here. It is a struggle to get up a bit early to work out before work when it would be so much easier to stay in that bed. So when you see that person that seems to have it all together, remember it is hard work to keep it there.

So am I capable of reaching my goals and helping others to reach theirs? YOU BETCHA. With each ohter we can accomplish anything and that includes getting off this darn Roller Coaster ride from hell. So spark friends please don"t let go of my hand.

Michelle. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAKAROO 10/9/2011 8:33AM

    Thanks for hanging in! You can succeed - any pounds lost no matter how small is still pounds lost

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IUHRYTR 10/9/2011 7:48AM

    More than a lifestyle struggle, losing weight is a constant battle we fight every day until we are victorious in reaching our weight loss goal. -- Lou

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TEXASGIDGET 10/8/2011 11:00PM

    Michelle, we're in this together, my friend! I'm on this roller coaster ride with you. Sometimes it seems like a really wild ride, but we can do this! One step at a time! Some days we just have to hold each other's hand and other days we need to hold each other up, but we're in it together! emoticon emoticon

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JENNA3FROG 10/8/2011 10:57PM

    I am SO right there with you, Michelle! There are so many times I read one of your replies to a thread or questions of the day and then your answer that I think 'that is so ME right now'. So just know that you are not alone on this roller coaster ... you've got lots of friends along for the ride and we're all in this together. Good luck and best wishes as we journey on along and we WILL get there slowly but surely as we hang on for all the ups and downs and twists and turns!

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LJKSHS 10/8/2011 11:43AM

    Michelle, as I was reading your blog I said to my husband "this lady is telling my story".

I know WW is probably the healthiest, but losing .2 here and there can be very discouraging. But I don't want to go on fad diets, lose the weight, and then gain it all back and even more.

So my friend hang in there, I guess those .2's will add up.

emoticon/we can together

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NELLJONES 10/8/2011 10:52AM

    Never give up, sure, but you also don't want to do the same thing over and over expecting different results, without making some slight change with each effort. It's so easy to wake up full of resolve, and go through most of the day full of resolve, but if you can't keep that resolve during those tiny little moments when your evil angel whispers in your ear, it won't work. I had to analyze those moments down to their smallest components and be willing to make changes. I don't walk down certain aisles in the grocery store. I don't keep certain foods in the house. I'll leave a party early if necessary. I eat out very seldom, no matter how lazy I feel. I could have said "I really want those things and can handle them", but that would be fooling myself. I can fool myself but not the scale, which is why we weigh in in the first place. The hardest part is how to find resolve when faced with the overwhelming, gut-wrenching desire for "just this". It has only gotten easier for me because I know how fleeting that desire is, that I can get past it, and I am willing to go to any lengths to either avoid it or move through it. The roller coaster of desire never goes away, but the roller coaster of the scale CAN move behind us. Hard to believe when in the throes of wrenching desire, but it's true.

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 10/8/2011 10:01AM

    Oh my dear friend, I am so right there with you now. Ever since I had my last surgery, I just cannot seem to get my head in the game and stay there for very long at a time.
Sweetie, we have to remember what will happen if we completely give up, so lets keep plugging alone, and hopefully one day that dang light bulb moment will happen for both of us. I'm here if you need me, you can count on that.

Hugs,
Joan

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CRAZYWOMAN10 10/8/2011 8:34AM

    I am right there with you girl! I think you know that part of both of our problems is that our age makes things so much more difficult. And stressing about the whole process really does hinder our progress...it is a proven fact.

We also have to learn to start being greatful for any bit of progress we do make! We have to do this for US! We have to live life and not let the lifestyle change consume our every thought.

Maybe changing these few things will help make this journey more satisfying...if that makes sense.

Im right here for you...my hand is just a click away!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/8/2011 8:37:53 AM

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HYPERTHRON 10/8/2011 7:56AM

  Wish you luck!

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The weekend was a huge success

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Now for me that is saying a lot. I did have a gain this past week. I ended the month exactly at what I first began it. So what does that tell me? I have some work to do. But this weekend was an awesome start. I went for a hike with my daughter at the lake, and today I stayed on plan and snack free. I do have to tell ya that my daughter had her weigh in here this week. She lost 3.6lbs. That is awesome. She is so ready to take on the next week and that makes me ready to help her along. We have walked each night we are able and then the hike this weekend. Now I have to tell ya my baby is overweight and never ever tried to lose any weight before now. She would begin today and by lunch she was done. But she is learning she can still eat out, still have the things she wants, she just has less. And of course the exercise. How does that make a mom feel for her baby? Like I could shout from the roof tops. The look on her face today spoke volumes to me. No matter how much we say we are fine with ourselves most of the time we aren't. We just don't want others to see our pain.

This month I so want to see changes in myself. I have to say i'm wearing a pair of jeans today that a month ago I couldn't wear. they had gotten tight again. but the extra movement this month did help with that. So even though the scales didn't move my inches have. I will take that non scale victory. It is a victory no matter how you measure it.

So onwards and downwards for me this month. With this weekend over and a new week beginning i'm in the right mind to make anything happen.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 10/5/2011 11:18PM

    Any victory is a positive, right? Hoping this month shows better scale results for you. -- Lou

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CAKAROO 10/3/2011 6:18AM

    wishing you and your daughter success in the new month!

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CRAZYWOMAN10 10/3/2011 4:47AM

    You know...this month I didnt lose but like 2 lbs, but i lost a tremendous amount of inches!! So maybe take measurements at the beginning of each month as well...That is what I do...you can see how i do it on my page. Sometimes the weight rolls like that when we dontt have a whole lot to lose but the inches really show the success.

I know how you feel about feeling the pain for your daughter. Im so happy for her to start working in the right direction.
Remember to tell her to take mini steps...set small goals. and NOT TO focus on the long range picture.!

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KARIDIAN1 10/2/2011 6:23PM

    You still made progress in my eyes!

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Plan in place: Now for myself

Sunday, September 25, 2011

“You can have results or you can have your excuses. You cannot have both.” ~ Unknown

Ok, no more excuses, no more giving in, no more wishing. Today is the day to make changes. I have the plan, I have the foods, I have the equipment, Now to find the want power. I seem to have been searching for that for sometime now but all along it was inside of myself. I just didn't dig deep enough or maybe I just didn't want this enough. I guess after a while the work got to be too much. I mean come on what do you mean I can have anything I want and still lose. No I can't. If I do that then really i'm no better off than I have been for all those years before. No I have to be true to my journey and true to myself.

I picked up some chips yesterday. Oh I know I can have one serving....or can I? No i'm like the alcoholic...one is too many and a thousand is never enough. Yup that is me. I ate the whole bag. Now what did I learn from this? Well I learned that one big bag of kettle cooked jalapeno chips have nine servings, and in WW points that adds up to about 36 points a bag. So as you can see I bit I wrote. Now I have to say I thought about lieing. Wiping the truth under the table...but who would I have been kidding? Surely not myself. I knew what I had done. Oh I enjoyed each bite...while the guilt wasn't riding shotgun. But it hit. And I hated me at that moment for being weak. But was I weak to eat them, or weak to buy them? It all began the second I put them in my cart. I know myself, I know my addiction to chips, but It didn't stop me.

So that is it. I can't buy, eat just one, or have them near me. No more thinking i'm getting better because i'm not. I may never be. To anyone else this would seem crazy...an addiction to food, but to my spark family you all have come to find this isn't funny. It is a sad thing to allow food to have such a hold over us. I know for me it is that lack of power over myself with certain foods that really is the reason I get so upset. I'm a strong woman, I've lived through abuse, a child whom is an addict, i've lived through bankruptcy and came out ahead, but I can't seem to get past this little thing in my life....weight.

So I've decided to take myself on. It is time to face facts, come up with new answers and new ideas. It is time to stop facing the scales on Saturday mornings and holding my breath. No more fear.

Today is my Day one, and as the quote says I can have results or I can have excuses. I want results this time.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 10/1/2011 8:35PM

    Today I bought potato chips and had some with lunch but didn't enjoy them. I feel funny tossing them but know, like you, if I keep them I will eat them and again not enjoy them so, here's to biting the bullet and not the chips. emoticon Bye, bye. -- Lou

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CANDOK1260 10/1/2011 8:06AM

    WITH YOUR mindset S YOU WILL HAVE GREAT Results THIS TIME AROUND emoticon

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KENDRACARROLL 9/25/2011 12:33PM

    Maybe you're digging too deep...
Sometimes it's best not to overthink things.
Next time you go and buy an entire bag of chips give yourself permission to eat the entire bag and see what happens.
You're strong and you can do this, but if the chips are stronger, stop fighting them. It will take away the power they have over you and - YOU WIN!


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HUMMINGBIRDFLY 9/25/2011 10:36AM

    Joyce Meyer says you can't be powerful and pitiful at the same time...you have to choose one or the other. Michelle, you are powerful and you can have results.
emoticon

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CRAZYWOMAN10 9/25/2011 10:36AM

    Here to finding that inner strength! Im searching for it myself. Good for you for getting back on track...now set some mini goals and go get em girl!

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Weigh in and forget it

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Life is too short, time is too precious,
and the stakes are too high
to dwell on what might have been.
- Hilary Clinton

Today was my first weigh in with Weight Watchers. I'm down 0.4 lb. Would I have been happy to have lost more? Well of course but wouldn't all of us. But like the quote says "life is too short to dwell on what might of been" so i'm happy it was a loss, and i'm taking that one with a smile and moving forward to a new week.

I have a cold that hasn't made me very active, I got it in but not like I really wanted. The energy for it just isn't there. Today I head to the grocery store and my plan is in place. But there is room to tweak as I go. I mean afterall this is my journey right? I can make it anything I want.

So i'm ready, i'm willing, and i'm more than able to see this through...I know from the las three years that sometimes a little rain must fall and I just have to smile and keep moving forward. I will not quit till i've seen the goal weight pop up on the scales. Sorry I know that is prideful but isn't that what we all secretly want? You know i'm right.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMPAM23 9/24/2011 9:08PM

    You go girl!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

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PATTYCAKE17 9/24/2011 1:51PM

    emoticon emoticon

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JUSTCHELLE75 9/24/2011 11:40AM

    .4 is so much more than we ever give it credit for being. You have under 10 to go, right? .4 is a big part of that number

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KENDRACARROLL 9/24/2011 11:12AM

    It's going the right way! Just keep chipping away, one day at a time.
If you work your program, do the food, do your workouts, you won't have to worry about the scale.
Wishing you a successful week.
emoticon

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CAKAROO 9/24/2011 9:55AM

    congrats on the weight loss! Hope your cold goes away soon!

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CHINAGAL 9/24/2011 8:18AM

    sooooo right!
emoticon emoticon
Edna

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TRYINGTOLOSE64 9/24/2011 7:58AM

    emoticon

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Recommited

Monday, September 19, 2011

As some of you may know i've been struggling on a off for months now. Well I rejoined Weight Watchers online, i've cut back on some of my teams here at spark, am giving more time to a couple of the ones dear to my heart. I have recommited to me. I know this could be temporary as have so much of this journey been as of late, but today at this moment i'm ready for change. I have to be honest it is a struggle to go this alone. When I first began this journey I had a few friends on the ride. They got off and haven't been back since. They are back to prediet weight. I'm not. But I don't want to be either. My daughter and her hubby walk each evening now, my mother has rejoined Weight Watchers and now I have a few supporters to got this journey with again. Now don't get me wrong....spark is wonderful. But I need people here to push me as much as you all do.

You see I can say what I want on paper, or computer as the case may be, but they know me, see me, see what i'm going through. Now it is nice to have someone to walk the walk with, to make us hold ourselves accountable to. I know I should only be accountable to me but that is tough. You see I don't like me much. I'm weak in some areas and strong in others. I need someone to push the weak parts me and reenergize the strong. So today I begin a new day, filled with new hope. Oh i'm not looking for miracles, i'm not looking for large numbers to fall off my body, i'm just looking to myself to gain a bit of strength on this journey. I thought I had before when I was so close to goal, but that went by the wayside and now i'm struggling to regain lost ground.

Pam, Kristi, Joan, without you three I would never have gotten this far. You have kept me on spark and I thank you for that. Now guys lets give this journey all we have. I want to succeed and I know I can't get there from where i've been. So the new road starts now. A different path is filled with new challenges, new stepping blocks, new dangers. but it is also filled with new promise, new joys, and new goals to attain.

As my favorite song says: Its not whats waiting on the otherside...it's the climb.

Michelle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IUHRYTR 10/1/2011 8:33PM

    It is always inspiring to read of other's success and their difficulties because while it is easy to relate to seeing their pounds lost it is often encouraging to know how other people deal with problems we, too, face. Wishing you continued success. -- Lou

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KENDRACARROLL 9/20/2011 12:17PM

    Nothing better than exercise buddies. Taking a class at the gym gives me the same motivation. Just having real life like-minded people around is a great help. I could never do this on my own.

SP friends are nice for inspiration. It definitely would be harder without my SP friends.

Life friends and virtual friends, they each serve a different purpose and together they help us stay in the game.

Enjoy your walks with your family.

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HUMMINGBIRDFLY 9/20/2011 7:05AM

    It's tougher doing this without a support network. I'm glad you've got family right there with you to help you.
emoticon emoticon

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SLIMPAM23 9/19/2011 5:39PM

    You help all of us too my dear!!! But it's time now to start heading in the direction that we want to go!! FORWARD works for me!!! We can do this - and I'm glad that you have family on the journey too - My family has always helped me too - and I couldn't do it without them!!
WE ROCK!!
Pam

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JUSTCHELLE75 9/19/2011 3:01PM

    Michelle.. I am glad you are getting the support now at home that you need. I love spark and am committed to it but I know without going live and in person to meetings I would fall off the wagon. I need in life support as much as online supprot.

I am jealous of those who can do it on there own but smart enough to admit I need help

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 9/19/2011 11:52AM

    Michelle, reading your blog this morning has really got me thinking. This month has been so disappointing to me. I am doing (mostly) what I need to be doing, and the scale is at a stand still. It is so frustrating I've felt like just throwing in the towel. "Oh, one little break from it all won't hurt me" but I know what would happen..that "break" would turn into forever. I don't want that. I understand how it is when you have no one physically around you to share the journey with, because that is where I am. I depend on you guys to help me through this, and sometimes you do need someone physically there to walk with you, to encourage you...someone who shares some of your goals. I'm glad you are finding that support within your family. Michelle, you are stronger than you know, more beautiful that you will ever imagine. Your friendship has seen me through many rough spots here, and I'll continue to be here, cheering for you. I wish you the best - I think we can both recommit and make this work. We will see us reach our goals, I know we will!!!
Hugs to you!
Kristi

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KENTUCKYWOMAN 9/19/2011 10:54AM

    It is the climb. I think Patty has the right idea....hitting the RESTART button. We can do this and Michelle, I am so glad you now have a network that can help you on this journey.

Hugs,
Joan

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PATTYCAKE17 9/19/2011 10:32AM

    I'm pushing the Restart button myself, so I feel for you. I had a good thing going for a couple of weeks and then, crash.I even blogged about it when I was on a roll. I'm trying to exercise a little more in spite of my wheelchair, and change my eating habits which suddenly got sloppy again. Funny about these slippery slopes we get on! Hope your new motivations work for you. Real live people are the best motivation there is!

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DAWNSYOGAFLOW 9/19/2011 9:13AM

    You're right! It's all about the climb and being present in the moment. We aren't guaranteed time to enjoy 'the thin' time should it ever come to pass. Nothing wrong with us just the way we are!!


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