Saturday, October 15, 2011
Let every day be the first day
of the rest of your life,
but especially let today be a new beginning.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Funny I began this week so full of energy and renewed determination. But like most weeks it ended on a gain. Why? Well me of course. I can't and I won't blame this on any one thing or any one choice. It was bad choices all week long. It was like one day just ran into the next. Oh I gave it the ole college try in the morning but by lunch I had added, or over eaten and that continued on to bed. I told myself I was hungry but the truth is I was stressed and just lazy. I made choices that were better left in the freezer, cabinet, or on the grocery shelves all together. So what if anything have a learned from this? I don't like where i'm at and the only way to change is for me to make the right choices regarding myself and my plan. So again today I begen with renew energy. Yeah how is this any different from the other weeks? Let me count the ways........first off this isn't a few pounds any longer. The pile of clothes that don't fit is adding up and it isn't the big ones this time, My self esteem is about nill right now. I don't like the me in the mirror, I've found that i'm not moving like I once did, chooseing to read at lunch than walk. And the final straw......I really don't like the me i've become. I hate lazy, and i'm the picture of it right now. So there the truth is out, and i'm free to begin fresh today.
I need to hold me accountable. I've said that before but that was before the clothes that I once was so proud to wear are now sitting on a shelf waiting on me. That is a big downer if you don't already know my pain. Kinda like failure spelled out in big letters on the wall. So since i've never gave up on anything I'm not about to now. I will begin fresh again today. I have a doctors appointment week after next and I will have the blood work and see what is what. BUt in the end it is going to come down to me putting in the work.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
When you get into a tight place
and everything goes against you,
till it seems you cannot hold on a minute longer,
never give up then, for that is just
the place and time the tide will turn.
- Harriet Beecher Stowe
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Obstacles are those frightful things you see
when you take your eyes off your goals.
- Henry Ford
Circumstances don't defeat you -
you defeat yourself when you give up.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday you all helped me more than you can know. Thank you all. Today I told my husband I needed his support. He wanted to know why. I told him I had regained 10 pounds and he told me he didn't notice. He loved me just the way I was. I told him I didn't love me the way I am. Now this is my delemma. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, Now is the time to do just that. WAKE UP and get moving. I will not give in or up, I will not cry is my wheaties over poor poor me. I have the strength and the want power to see this through.
Some see my weight tracker and have said " oh you only have 10 pounds to lose, don't beat yourself up", what you don't see is the old tracker. I began is journey at 154 pounds and that was down from 175. I'm 5' 1" and I should weigh a lot less. what you don't see is that i've regained 9 pounds. Yes I was almost to my goal. So never ever look at the face value of anything. We never know the struggles that people have gone through or what they are going through. My struggles are no less because I have less to lose. They are your struggles. I still fall down, and drag myself back up most days. But the thing is I drag me up.
Last night I asked myself what it was I wanted. why was I doing this, tracking, weighing and such if I was just going to keep eating my way through the day? I just cried. Crying isn't going to stop me from eating. I know i've got people here saying to just relax, take it slow, go off for a while and then restart. I can't do that. Oh I can take this slow, I do. BUt Going off isn't going to help me succeed. I read a response this morning and the lady said " I want to feel the excitement I felt when I first began" you know what that is exactly what is missing in me. The excitement for this. Somewhere along the line I lost it and i'm having a hard time finding it again.
So today I begin day one. Is the excitement there? Not really but hope is alive and I have a lot of that.
Saturday, October 08, 2011
"Fall seven times, get up eight." - Japanese Proverb
"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Chinese Proverb
"Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never." - Winston Churchill
"Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance." - Samuel Johnson
This morning I have to tell ya i'm wondering why do I bother? I had my usual weigh in this morning and it was down 0.2. I mean what is up with that. I just can't get my mind in the game lately. I don't mean a few weeks lately I mean months. I think i've lost almost a year somehow on this roller coaster I like to call a "lifestyle" change. I have fallen, gotten back up, restarted, replanned, moved more, less, eaten more, less, I've quit Weight Watchers, rejoined, took out favorite foods, put them back, you name it i've done it. I've weighed once a week, twice, daily. I've hidden the scales, kept them in full view. Packed away clothes, took them back out and repacked others, you get the picture. This year has not been a happy one. I have cried, kicked, yelled, fought back and just plain fallen to my knees and asked the lord what more I could do? I've seen the Doctor and the sad truth is it is me. Can't even blame it on my thyroid this time around. So roller coaster ride it is this time. I just want to get off now.
I have had good weeks this year.....not many but a few. I have had determination and then again i've just been at the bottom and really thought it would be easier to stay there. Why am I telling you this today? Because I want to see change. I figure if I put it out there, reread it a few times, it just might make some kind of sense to me. The figuring it out part and the why am I wanting to throw in the towel part that is.
I help lead a couple of great teams and sometimes I question should I be in the lead when I haven't yet figured out myself yet? Can I be a good leader with my mind in this place? The answer guys is YES. I want others to know that this lifestyle change is just that. A lifestyle. It won't fix itself overnight, it won't quit you, only you can quit it. And every day it is a struggle to find ;your place in it. Those that say it isn't are lying through their teeth. It is a daily struggle to wake up and eat that healthy breakfast when what you really want is a pastry. It is a struggle to cook after a long day at work when the drive through looks wonderful from here. It is a struggle to get up a bit early to work out before work when it would be so much easier to stay in that bed. So when you see that person that seems to have it all together, remember it is hard work to keep it there.
So am I capable of reaching my goals and helping others to reach theirs? YOU BETCHA. With each ohter we can accomplish anything and that includes getting off this darn Roller Coaster ride from hell. So spark friends please don"t let go of my hand.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
“You can have results or you can have your excuses. You cannot have both.” ~ Unknown
Ok, no more excuses, no more giving in, no more wishing. Today is the day to make changes. I have the plan, I have the foods, I have the equipment, Now to find the want power. I seem to have been searching for that for sometime now but all along it was inside of myself. I just didn't dig deep enough or maybe I just didn't want this enough. I guess after a while the work got to be too much. I mean come on what do you mean I can have anything I want and still lose. No I can't. If I do that then really i'm no better off than I have been for all those years before. No I have to be true to my journey and true to myself.
I picked up some chips yesterday. Oh I know I can have one serving....or can I? No i'm like the alcoholic...one is too many and a thousand is never enough. Yup that is me. I ate the whole bag. Now what did I learn from this? Well I learned that one big bag of kettle cooked jalapeno chips have nine servings, and in WW points that adds up to about 36 points a bag. So as you can see I bit I wrote. Now I have to say I thought about lieing. Wiping the truth under the table...but who would I have been kidding? Surely not myself. I knew what I had done. Oh I enjoyed each bite...while the guilt wasn't riding shotgun. But it hit. And I hated me at that moment for being weak. But was I weak to eat them, or weak to buy them? It all began the second I put them in my cart. I know myself, I know my addiction to chips, but It didn't stop me.
So that is it. I can't buy, eat just one, or have them near me. No more thinking i'm getting better because i'm not. I may never be. To anyone else this would seem crazy...an addiction to food, but to my spark family you all have come to find this isn't funny. It is a sad thing to allow food to have such a hold over us. I know for me it is that lack of power over myself with certain foods that really is the reason I get so upset. I'm a strong woman, I've lived through abuse, a child whom is an addict, i've lived through bankruptcy and came out ahead, but I can't seem to get past this little thing in my life....weight.
So I've decided to take myself on. It is time to face facts, come up with new answers and new ideas. It is time to stop facing the scales on Saturday mornings and holding my breath. No more fear.
Today is my Day one, and as the quote says I can have results or I can have excuses. I want results this time.
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